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1873 




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THE M O IST I K I N S 



THE MONIKINS 



BY 

J. PEN IM ORE COOPER 



" Then thou knowest her ? " said the Knight. 

" Not I," answered the Squire ; " but the person who told me the story 
6aid,it was so true and certain, that if ever I should chance to tell it again, 
I might affirm upon oath that I had seen it with my own eyes." 

Sakcuo Panza. 



NEW YORK: 
T>. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 

549 & 55 1 BROADWAY. 

1873. 




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Entered, according to the Act of Congress, in tlie year 1S60, by 

W. A. TOWNSEND & COMrANY, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Soutlicrn District of New York. 



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INTRODUCTION. 



It is not improbable that some of those who read 
this book, may feel a wish to know in what manner I 
became possessed of the mannscript. Such a desire 
is too jnst and natural to be thwarted, and the tale 
shall be told as briefly as possible. 

During the summer of 1S28, while travelling among 
those valleys of Switzerland which lie between the 
two great ranges of the Alps, and in which both the 
Ehone and the Khine take their rise, I had passed 
from the sources of the latter to those of the former 
river, and had reached that basin in the mountains 
that is so celebrated for containing the glacier of the 
Rhone, when chance gave me one of those rare 
moments of sublimity and solitude, which are the 
more precious in the other hemisphere from their in- 
frequency. On every side the view was bounded by 
high and ragged mountains, their peaks glittering 



INTEODTJOTION. 



near the sun, while directly before me, and on a level 
with the eye, lay that miraculous frozen sea, out of 
whose drippings the Rhone starts a foaming river, to 
glance away to the distant Mediterranean. For the 
first time, during a pilgrimage of years, I felt alone 
with nature m Europe. Alas! the enjoyment, as all 
such enjoyments necessarily are amid the throngs of 
tlie old world, was shorfc and treacherous. A party 
came round the angle of a rock, along the narrow 
bridle-path, in single file ; two ladies on horseback, 
followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and preceded 
by the usual guide. It was but small courtesy to rise 
and salute the dove-like eyes and blooming cheeks of 
the former, as they passed. They were English, and 
the gentlemen appeared to recognize me as a country- 
man. One of the latter stopped, and politely inquired 
if the passage of the Furca was obstructed by snow. 
He was told not, and in return for the information, 
said that I would find the Grimsel a little ticklish ; 
"but," he added, smiling, "the ladies succeeded in 
crossing, and you will scarcely hesitate." I thought 
I might get over a difficulty that his fair companions 
had conquered. He then told me Sir Herbert Tay- 
lor was made adjutant- general, and wished me good 
morning. 

I sat reflecting on the character, hoj)es, pursuits, 
and interests of man, for an hour, concluding that 
the stranger was a soldier, who let some of the or- 
dinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this brief 
and casual interview. To resume my solitary jour- 
ney, cross the Rhone, and toil my way up the rugged 
side of tlie Grimsel, consumed two more hours, and 



IXTEODUOTION- 



glad was I to come in view of the little cliill-looking 
sheet of water on its summit, which is called the Lake 
of the Dead. The path was filled with snow, at a 
most critical point, where, indeed, a misplaced foot- 
step might betray the incautious to their destruction. 
A large party on the other side appeared fully aware 
of the difficulty, for it had halted, and was in earnest 
discussion with the guide, touching the practicability 
of passing. It was decided to attempt the enterprise. 
First came a female of one of the sweetest, serenest 
countenances I had ever seen. She, too, was English ; 
and though she trembled, and blushed, and laughed 
at herself, she came on with spirit, and would have 
reached my side in safety, had not an unlucky stone 
turned beneath a foot that was much too pretty for 
those wild hills. I sprang forward, and was so happy 
as to save her from destruction. She felt the extent of 
the obligation, and expressed her thanks modestly but 
with fervor. In a minute w^e were joined by her hus- 
band, who grasped my hand with warm feeling, or 
rather with the emotion one ought to feel who had 
witnessed the risk he had just run of losing an angel. 
The lady seemed satisfied at leaving us together. 

" You are an Englishman ?" said the stranger. 

"An American." 

"An American ! This is singular will you par- 
don a question? — You have more than saved my life 

• — you have probably saved my reason will you 

pardon a question ? Can money serve you ?" 

I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to 
him, that though an American, I was a gentleman, 
lie appeared embarrassed, and his fine face worked, 



Vin INTEODTJCTION. 

until I began to jnty him, for it was evident lie wished 
to show me in some way, how much he felt he was 
my debtor, and yet he did not know exactly what to 
propose. 

"We may meet again," I said, squeezing his hand. 

" Will you receive my card ?" 

" Most willingly." 

He put " Yiscount Householder" into my hand, and 
in return I gave him my own humble appellation. 

He looked from the card to me, and from me to the 
card, and some agreeable idea appeared to flash upon 
his mind. 

"Shall you visit Geneva this summer?" he asked, 
earnestly. 

" Within a month." 

" Your address " 

" Hotel de I'Ecu." 

" You shall hear from me. Adieu." 

We parted, he, his lovely wife, and his guides de- 
gcending to the Khone, while I pursued my way to the 
Hospice of the Grimsel. Within the month I received 
a large packet at PEcu. It contained a valuable 
diamond ring, with a request that I wonld wear it, as 
a memorial of Lady Householder, and a fairly written 
manuscript. The following short note explained the 
wishes of the writer : 

"Providence brought us together for more purposes than 
were at first apparent. I have long hesitated about publishing 
the accompanying narrative, for in England there is a disposition 
to cavil at extraordinary facts, but the distance of America from 
my place of residence will completely save me from ridicule. 
The world must have the truth, and I see no better means than 



INTRODXrOTIOIT. ix 

by resorting to your agency. All I ask is, that you will have the 
book fairly printed, and that you will send one copy to my ad- 
dress, Householder Hall, Dorsetshire, England, and another to 
Captain Noah Poke, Stonington, Connecticut, in your OM*n coun- 
try. My Anna prays for you, and is ever your friend. Do not 
forget us. 

" Yours, most faithfully, 

" HOUSEHOLDEE." 

I have rigidly complied with this request, and hav- 
ing sent the two copies according to direction, the rest 
of the edition is at the disposal of any one who may 
feel an inclination to pay for it. In return for the copy 
sent to Stonington, I received the following letter : 

" On board the Debby and Dolly, 
Stpnnin'tun, April Ist^ 1835. 

"Author of The Spy, Esquiee : 

''''Dear Sir: — Your favor is come to hand, and found me in 
good health, as I hope these few lines will have the same advan- 
tage with you. I have read the book, and must say there is some 
truth in it, which, I suppose, is as much as befalls any book, the 
Bible, the Almanac "nd the State Laws excepted. I remember 
Sir John well, and shall gainsay nothing he testifies to, for the 
reason that friends should not contradict each other. I was also 
acquainted with the four Monikins he speaks of, though I knew 
them by different names. Miss Poke says she wonders if it's 
all true, which I wunt tell her, seeing that a little unsartainty 
makes a woman rational. As to my navigating without geome- 
try, thats a matter that wasn't worth booking, for it's no curos- 
ity in these parts, bating a look at the compass once or twice a 
a day, and so I take my leave of you, with offers to do any com- 
mission for you among the Sealing Islands, for which I sail to- 
morrow, wind and weather permitting. 

"Yours to sarve, 

"Noah Poke. 

"To the Author of The Spy, Esquire, 
• town, county, Tork state. 



X INTKODUCTION. 

"P. S. — 1 always told Sir John to steer clear of too much jour- 
nalizing, but he did nothing but write, night and day, for a week; 
and as you brew, so you must bake. The wind has chopped, and 
we shall take our anchor this tide; so no more at present. 

"JSr. B. — Sir John is a little out about my eating the monkey, 
which I did, four years before I fell in with him, down on the 
Spanish Main. It was not bad food to the taste, but was won- 
derful narvous to the eye. I r'ally thought I had got hold of Miss 
Poke's youngest born." 




THE MONIKINS. 



CHAPTER I. 

THE author's pedigree, — ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER. 

The pliilosoplier wlio broaches a new theory is bound to 
furnish, at least, some elementary proofs of the reasonableness 
of his positions, and the historian who ventures to record mar- 
vels that have hitherto been hid from human knowledge, owes 
it to a decent regard to the opinions of others, to produce 
some credible testimony in favor of his veracity. I am pecul- 
iarly placed in regard to these two great essentials, having 
little more than its plausibility to offer in favor of my philos- 
ophy, and no other witness than myself to establish the im- 
portant facts that are now about to be laid before the reading 
world for the first time. In this dilemma, I fully feel the 
weight of responsibility under which I stand ; for there are 
truths of so little apparent probability as to appear fictitious, 
and fictions so like the truth that the ordinary observer is very 
apt to affirm that he was an eye-witness to their existence : 
two facts that all our historians would do well to bear in mind, 
since a knowledge of the circumstances might spare them the 
mortification of having testimony that cost a deal of trouble, 
discredited in the one case, and save a vast deal of painful and 
unnecessary labor, in the other. Thrown upon myself, there- 
fore, for what the French call les ineces justijicatives of my 
theories, as well as of my facts, I see no better way to prepare 
the reader to believe me, than by giving an unvarnished nar- 



12 THEMONIKINS. 

rative of my descent, birth, education, and life, up to the time 
I became a spectator of those wonderful facts it is my hap- 
piness to record, and with which it is now his to be made 
acquainted. 

I shall begin with my descent, or pedigree, both because it 
is in the natural order of events, and because, in order to turn 
this portion of my narrative to a proper account, in the way of 
giving credibility to the rest of it, it may be of use in helping 
to trace effects to their causes. 

I have generally considered myself on a level with the 
most ancient gentlemen of Europe, on the score of descent, 
few fiimilies being more clearly and directly traced into the 
mist of time than that of which I am a member. My descent 
from my father is undeniably established by the parish reg- 
ister as well as by the will of that person himself, and I believe 
no man could more directly prove the truth of the whole ca- 
reer of his family than it is in my power to show that of my 
ancestor up to the hour when he was found, in the second 
year of his age crying with cold and hunger, in the parish 
of St. Giles, in the city of Westminster, and in the United 
Kingdom of Great Britain. An orange-woman had pity on 
his sufferings. She fed him with a crust, warmed him with 
purl, and then humanely led him to an individual with whom 
she was in the habit of having frequent but angry interviews 
— the parish officer. The case of my ancestor was so ob- 
scure as to be clear. No one could tell to whom he belonged, 
whence he came, or what was likely to become of him ; and 
as the law did not admit of the starvation of children in the 
street, under circumstances like these, the parish officer, after 
making all proper efforts to induce some of the childless and 
benevolent of his acquaintance to believe that an infant thus 
abandoned was intended as an especial boon from Providence 
to each of them in particular, was obliged to commit my 
father to the keeping of one of the regular nurses of the par- 
ish, It was fortunate for the authenticity of this pedigree, 



THEMONIKINS. 13 

tLat such was the result of the orange-woman's application 
for, had my worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy ac- 
cidents and generous caprices of voluntary charity, it is more 
than probable I should be driven to throw a veil over those 
important years of his life that were notoriously passed in the 
workhouse, but which, in consequence of that occurrence, are 
now easily authenticated by valid minutes and documentary 
evidence. Thus it is that there exists no void in the annals 
of our family, even that period w^hich is usually remembered 
thjough gossiping and idle tales in the lives of most men, 
being matter of legal record in that of my progenitor, and so 
continued to be down to the day of his presumed majority, 
since he was indebted to a careful master the moment the 
parish could with any legality, putting decency quite out of 
the question, get rid of him. I ought to have said, that the 
orange-woman, taking a hint from the sign of a butcher op- 
posite to whose door my ancestor was found, had very cleverly 
given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf. 

This second important transition in the affairs of my father, 
might be deemed a presage of his future fortunes. He was 
bound apprentice to a trader in fancy articles, or a shopkeeper 
who dealt in such objects as are usually purchased by those 
who do not well know what to do with their money. This 
trade was of immense advantage to the future prosperity of 
the young adventurer ; for, in addition to the known fact that 
they who amuse are much better paid than they who instruct 
their fellow-creatures, his situation enabled him to study those 
caprices of men, which, properly improved, are of themselves 
a mine of wealth, as well as to gain a knowledge of the im- 
portant truth that the greatest events of this life are much 
oftener the result of impulse than of calculation. 

I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed from the 
lips of my ancestor, that no one could be more lucky than 
himself in the character of his master. This personage, who 
came, in time, to be my maternal grandfather, was one of 



14 THEMONIKINS. 

those wary traders wlio encourage others in their follies, with 
a view to his own advantage, and the experience of fifty years 
had rendered him so expert in the practices of his caUing, that 
it was seldom he struck out a new vein in his mine, without 
finding himself rewarded for the enterprise, by a success that 
was fully equal to his expectations. 

" Tom," he said one day to his apprentice, when time had 
produced confidence and awakened sympathies between 
them, "thou art a lucky youth, or the parish officer would 
never have brought thee to my door. Thou little knowest 
the wealth that is in store for thee, or the treasures that are 
at thy command, if thou pro vest diligent, and in particular 
faithful to my interests." My provident grandfather never 
missed an occasion to ihrow in a useful moral, notwith- 
standing the general character of veracity that distinguished 
his commerce. "Now, what dost think, lad, may be the 
amount of my capital ?" 

My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, for, hitherto, 
his ideas had been confined to the profits ; never having dared 
to lift his thoughts as high as that source from which he could 
not but see they flowed in a very ample stream ; but thrown 
upon himself by so unexpected a question, and being quick 
at figures, after adding ten per cent, to the sum which he 
knew the last year had given as the net avail of their joint 
ingenuity, he named the amount, in answer to the interroga- 
toiy. 

My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of my direct 
lineal ancestor. 

" Thou judgest, Tom," he said, when his mirth was a little 
abated, "by what thou thinkest is the cost of the actual 
stock before thine eyes, when thou shouldst take into the 
account that which I term our Jloating capital." 

Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that his mas- 
ter had money in the funds, he did not account that as any 
portion of the available means connected with his ordinary 



THEMONIKINS. J5 

business; and as for a floating capital, lie did not well sec 
how it could be of much account, since the disproportion 
between the cost and the selling prices of the different arti- 
cles in which they dealt was so great, that there was no par- 
ticular use in such an investment. As his master, however, 
rarely paid for any thing until he was in possession of returns 
from it that exceeded the debt some seven-fold, he began to 
think the old man was alluding to the advantages he ob- 
tained in the way of credit, and after a little more cogitation, 
he ventured to say as much. 

Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a hearty fit of 
laughter. 

" Thou art clever in thy way, Tom," he said, " and I like 
the minuteness of thy calculations, for they show an aptitude 
for trade ; but there is genius in our calling as well as clever- 
ness. Come hither, boy," he added, drawing Tom to a win- 
dow whence they could see the neighbors on their way to 
church, for it was on a Sunday that my two provident pro- 
genitors indulged in this moral view of humanity, as best 
fitted the day, " come hither, boy, and thou shalt see some 
small portion of that capital which thou seemest to think 
hid, stalking abroad by daylight, and in the open streets. 
Here, thou seest the wife of our neighbor, the pastry-cook ; 
with what an air she tosses her head and displays the bauble 
thou sold' st her yesterday: well, even that slattern, idle and 
vain, and little worthy of trust as she is, carries about with 
her a portion of my capital 1" 

My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew the other 
to be guilty of so great an indiscretion as to trust a woman 
whom they both knew bought more than her husband was 
willing to pay for. 

" She gave me a guinea, master, for that which did not 
cost a seven-shilling piece !" 

" She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity that urged 
her to it. I trade upon her folly, younker, and upon that of 



THE MO NIKINS. 



all mankind ; now dost tliou see with what a capital I carry 
on affairs? There — there is the maid, carrying the idle 
hussy's pattens in the rear ; I drew upon my stock in that 
wench's possession, no later than the last week, for half-a- 
ero wn !" 

Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of his provi- 
dent master, and although he understood them about as well 
as they will he understood by the owners of half the soft 
humid eyes and sprouting whiskers among my readers, by 
dint of cogitation he came at last to a practical understand- 
ing of the subject, which before he was thirty he had, to use 
a French term, pretty well exjyloite, 

I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also from the 
mouths of his contemporaries, that the opinions of my an- 
cestor underwent some material changes between the ages 
of ten and forty, a circumstance that has often led me to 
reflect that people might do well not to be too confident of 
the principles, during the pliable period of life, when the 
mind, like the tender shoot, is easily bent aside and subjected 
to the action of surrounding causes. 

During the earlier years of the plastic age, my ancestor 
was observed to betray strong feelings of compassion at the 
sight of charity-children, nor was he ever known to pass a 
child, especially a boy that was still in petticoats, who was 
crying with hunger in the streets, without sharing his own 
crust with him. Indeed, his practice on this head was said 
to be steady and uniform, whenever the rencontre took place 
after my worthy father had had his own sympathies quickened 
by a good dinner ; a fact that may be imputed to a keener 
sense of the pleasure he was about to confer. 

After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on 
the subject of politics, a topic, on which he came to be both 
expert and eloquent before twenty. His usual theme was 
justice and the sacred rights of man, concerning which he 
sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments, and such a^ were 



THE MONIKINS. l7 

altogether becoming in one who was at the bottom of the 
great social pot that was then, as now, actively boiling, and 
where he was made to feel most, the heat that kept it in 
ebullition. I am assured that on the subject of taxation, and 
on that of the wrongs of America and Ireland, there were 
few youths in the parish who could discourse with more zeal 
and unction. About this time, too, he was heard shouting 
'' Wilkes and liberty !" in the public streets. 

But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there 
was a concentration of powers in the mind of my ancestor, 
which soon brought all his errant sympathies, the mere exu- 
berance of acute and overflowing feelings, into a proper and 
useful subjection, centring all in the one absorbing and 
capacious receptacle of self. I do not claim for my father 
any peculiar quality in this respect, for I have often observed 
that many of those who (like giddy-headed horsemen that 
raise a great dust, and scamper as if the highway were too 
narrow for their eccentric courses, before they are fairly 
seated in the saddle, but who afterward drive as directly at 
their goals as the arrow parting from the bow), most indulge 
their sympathies at the commencement of their careers, are the 
most apt toward the close to get a proper command of their 
feelings, and to reduce them within the bounds of common 
sense and prudence. Before five-and-twenty, my father was 
as exemplary and as constant a devotee of Plutus as was then 
to be found between Ratcliffe Highway and Bridge Street : — 
I name these places in particular, as all the rest of the great 
capital in which he was born is known to be more indifferent 
to the subject of money. 

My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, who like 
himself was a bachelor, very unexpectedly, and a good deal 
to the scandal of the neighborhood, introduced a new inmate 
into his frugal abode, in the person of an infant female child. 
It would seem that some one had been speculating on his 
stock of weaknes^i too, for this poor, little, defenceless, and 



18 THEMONIKINS. 

dependent being was thrown upon his care, like Tom himself, 
through the vigilance of the parish officers. There were 
many good-natured jokes practised on the prosperous fancy- 
dealer, by the more witty of his neighbors, at this sudden 
turn of good fortune, and not a few ill-natured sneers were 
given behind his back; most of the knowing ones of the 
vicinity finding a stronger likeness between the little girl and 
all the other unmarried men of the eight or ten adjoining 
streets, than to the worthy housekeeper who had been 
selected to pay for her support. I have been much disposed 
to admit the opinions of these amiable observers as authority 
in my own pedigree, since it would be reaching the obscurity 
in which all ancient lines take root, a generation earlier, than 
by allowing the presumption that little Betsey was my direct 
male ancestors master's daughter ; but, on reflection, I have 
determined to adhere to the less popular but more simple 
version of the affair, because it is connected with the trans- 
mission of no small part of our estate, a circumstance of itself 
that at once gives dignity and importance to a genealogy. 

Whatever may have been the real opinion of the reputed 
father touching his rights to the honors of that respectable 
title, he soon became as strongly attached to the child, as if 
it really owed its existence to himself. The little girl was 
carefully nursed, abundantly fed, and throve accordingly. 
She had reached her third year, when the fancy-dealer took 
the smallpox from his little pet, who was just recovering from 
the same disease, and died at the expiration of the tenth day. 
This was an unlooked-for and stunning blow to my ances- 
tor, who was then in his thirty-fifth year and the head shop- 
man of the establishment, which had continued to grow with 
the growing follies and vanities of the age. On examining 
his master's will, it was found that my father, who had cer- 
tainly aided materially of late in the acquisition of the 
money, was left the good-will of the shop, the command of 
all the stock at cost, and the sole executorship of the estate. 



THEMONIKINS. 19 

He was also intrusted with the exclusive guardianship of 
little Betsey, to whom his master had" affectionately devised 
every farthing of his property. An ordinary reader may be 
surprised that a man who had so long practised on the foibles 
cf his species, should have so much confidence in a mere 
shopman, as to leave his whole estate so completely in his 
power; but, it must be remembered, that human ingenuity 
has not yet devised any means by which we can carry our 
personal effects into the other world; that "what cannot be 
cured must be endured ;" that he must of necessity have con- 
fided this important trust to some fellow-creature, and that 
it was better to commit the keeping of his money to one 
who, knowing the secret by which it had been accumulated, 
had less inducement to be dishonest, than one wdio was ex- 
posed to the temptation of covetousncss, without having a 
knowledge of any direct and legal means of gratifying his 
longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that the testa- 
tor thought, by giving up his trade to a man who was as 
keenly alive as my ancestor to all its perfections, moral and 
pecuniary, he provided a sufficient protection against his 
falling into the sin of peculation, by so amply supplying him 
with simpler means of enriching himself. Besides, it is fair 
to presume that the long acquaintance had begotten sufficient 
confidence to weaken the effect of that saying which some 
wit has put into the mouth of a wag, " Make me your exec 
utor, father ; I care not to whom you leave the estate." Let 
all this be as it might, nothing can be more certain than that 
piy worthy ancestor executed his trust with the scrupulous 
fidelity of a man whose integrity had been severely schooled 
in the ethics of trade. Little Betsey was properly educated 
for one in her condition of life ; her health was as carefully 
watched over as if she had been the only daughter of the 
sovereign instead of the only daughter of a fancy-dealer ; her 
morals were superintended by a superannuated old maid ; her 
mind left to its original purity; her person jealously pro- 



20 THEMONIKINS. 

tccted against tlic designs of greedy fortune-liunters ; and, to 
complete the catalogue of his paternal attentions and solici- 
tudes, my vigilant and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, 
and to counteract the chances of life, so far as it might be 
dene by human foresight, saw that she was legally married, 
the day she reached her nineteenth year, to the person 
whom, there is every reason to think, he believed to be the 
most unexceptionable man of his acquaintance — in other 
words, to himself. Settlements were unnecessary between 
parties who had so long been known to each other, and, 
thanks to the liberality of his late master's will in more ways 
than one, a long minority, and the industry of the ci-devant 
head shopman, the nuptial benediction was no sooner pro- 
nounced, than our family stepped into the undisputed posses- 
sion of four hundred thousand pounds. One less scrupulous 
on the subject of religion and the law, might not have 
thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a settlement 
so satisfactory, at the termination of her wardship. 

I was the fifth of the children who were the fruits of this 
union, and the only one of them all that passed the first year 
of its life. My poor mother did not survive my birth, and I 
can only record her qualities through the medium of that 
great agent in the archives of the family, tradition. By all 
that I have heard, she must have been a meek, quiet, domes- 
tic woman ; who, by temperament and attainments, was ad- 
mirably qualified to second the prudent plans of my father 
for her welfare. If she had causes of complaint, (and that 
she had, there is too much reason to think, for who has ever 
escaped them ?) they were concealed, with female fidelity, in 
the sacred repository of her own heart; and if truant imagi- 
nation sometimes dimly drew an outline of married happiness 
different from the facts that stood in dull reality before her 
eyes, the picture was merely commented on by a sigh, and 
consigned to a cabinet whose key none ever touched but her* 
self, and she seldom. 



Til E M O N I K I N S . 21 

Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I fear it some- 
times reached that intensity of feeling, my excellent and in- 
defatigable ancestor appeared to have no suspicion. He 
pursued his ordinary occupations with his ordinary single- 
minded devotion, and the last thing that would have crossed 
his brain was the suspicion that he had not punctiliously done 
his duty by his ward. Had he acted otherwise, none surely 
W'ould have suffered more by his delinquency than her hus- 
band, and none would have a better right to complain. Now, 
as her husband never dreamt of raakinsr such an accusation, 
it is not at all surprising that my ancestor remained in ignor- 
ance of his wife's feelings to the hour of his death. 

It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the 
fancy-dealer underwent some essential changes between the 
ages of ten and forty. After he bad reached his twenty- 
second year, or, in other words, the moment he began to 
earn money for himself, as well as for his master, he ceased 
to cry "Wilkes and liberty?" He was not heard to breathe 
a syllable concerning the obligations of society toward the 
weak and unfortunate, for the five years that succeeded his 
majority ; he touched lightly on Christian duties in general, 
after he got to be worth fifty pounds of his own ; and as for 
railing at human follies, it would have been rank ingratitude 
in one who so very unequivocally got his bread by them. 
About this time, his remarks on the subject of taxation, how- 
ever, were singularly caustic, and well applied. He railed at 
the public debt, as a public curse, and ominously predicted 
the dissolution of society, in consequence of the burdens and 
incumbrances it was hourly accumulating on the already 
overloaded shoulders of the trader. 

The period of his marriage and his succession to the 
hoardings of his former master, may be dated as the second 
cpocha in the opinions of my ancestor. From this moment 
his ambition expanded, his views enlarged in proportion to 
his means, and his contemplations on the subject of his great 



22 THE MONIKINS. 

floating capital became more profomid and pliilosopliical. A 
man of my ancestor's native sagacity, whose whole soul was 
absorbed in the pursuit of gain, who had so long been form- 
ing his mind, by dealing as it were with the elements of 
human weaknesses, and who already possessed four hundred 
thousand pounds, was very likely to strike out for himself 
some higher road to eminence, than that in which he had 
been laboriously journeying, during the years of painful proba- 
tion. The property of my mother had been chiefly invested 
in good bonds and mortgages ; her protector, patron, bene- 
factor, and legalized father, having an unconquerable repug- 
nance to confiding in that soulless, conventional, nondescript 
body corporate, the public. The first indication that was 
given by my ancestor of a change of purpose in the direction 
of his energies, was by calling in the whole of his outstand- 
ing debts, and adopting the Napoleon plan of operations, by 
concentrating his forces on a particular point, in order that 
he might operate in masses. About this time, too, he sud- 
denly ceased railing at taxation. This change may be 
likened to that which occurs in the language of the minis- 
terial journals, when they cease abusing any foreign state 
with whom the nation has been carrying on a war, that it is, 
at length, believed politic to terminate; and for much the 
same reason, as it was the intention of my thrifty ancestor to 
make an ally of a power that he had hitherto always treated 
as an enemy. The whole of the four hundred thousand 
pounds were liberally intrusted to the country, the former 
fancy-dealer's apprentice entering the arena of virtuous and 
patriotic speculation, as a bull; and, if with more caution, 
with at least some portion of the energy and obstinacy of the 
desperate animal that gives title to this class of adventurers. 
Success crowned his laudable eff'orts; gold rolled in upon 
him like water on a flood, buoying him up, soul and body, to 
that enviable height, where, as it would seem, just views can 
alone be taken of society in its innumerable phases. All hi& 



THE MONIKINS. 23 

tbrmor views of life, which, in common with others of a 
similar origin and similar political sentiments, he had im- 
bibed in early years, and which might with propriety be 
called near views, were now completely obscured by the sub- 
limer and broader prospect that was spread before him. 

I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, that my 
ancestor was never charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the 
term ; but then, he always maintained that his interest in his 
fellow-creatures w^as of a more elevated cast, taking a com- 
prehensive glance at all the bearings of good and evil — being 
of the sort of love which induces the parent to correct the 
child, that the lesson of present suffering may produce the 
blessings of future respectability and usefulness. Acting on 
these principles, he gradually grew more estranged from his 
species in appearance; a sacrifice that was probably exacted 
by the severity of his practical reproofs for their growing 
wickedness, and the austere policy that was necessary to en- 
force them. By this time, my ancestor was also thoroughly 
impressed with what is called the value of money ; a senti- 
ment which, I believe, gives its possessor a livelier percep- 
tion than common of the dangers of the precious metals, as 
well as of their privileges and uses. He expatiated occasion- 
ally on the guarantees that it was necessary to give to society, 
for its own security ; never even voted for a parish officer 
unless he were a warm substantial citizen ; and began to be 
a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other similar 
little moral and pecuniary buttresses of the government, 
whose common and commendable object was, to protect our 
country, our altars, and our firesides. 

The death-bed of my mother has been described to me aa 
a touching and melancholy scene. It appears that as this 
meek and retired woman was extricated from the coil of mor- 
tality, her intellect grew brighter, her powers of discernment 
stronger, and her character in every respect more elevated 
and commandino-. Althoui2:h she had said much less about 



2i THE MONIKINS. 

our firesides and altars tlian her husband, I see no reason to 
doubt that she had ever been quite as faithful as he could be 
to the one, and as much devoted to the other. I shall de- 
scribe the important event of her passage from this to a bet- 
ter world, as I have often had it repeated from the 'ips of one 
who was present, and who has had an important agency in 
since making me the man I am. This person was the clergy- 
man of the parish, a pious divine, a learned man, and a gen- 
tleman in feeling as well as by extraction. 

My mother, though long conscious that she was drawing 
near to her last great account, had steadily refused to draw 
her husband from his absorbing pursuits, by permitting him 
to be made acquainted with her situation. He knew that 
Bhe was ill ; very ill, as he had reason to think ; but, as ho 
not only allowed her, but even volunteered to order her all 
the advice and relief that money could command (my ances- 
tor was not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word), he 
thought that he had done all that man could do, in a case of 
life and death — interests over which he professed to have no 
control. He saw Dr. Etherington, the rector, come and go 
daily, for a month, without uneasiness or apprehension, for 
ho thought his discourse had a tendency to tranquilize my 
mother, and he had a strong affection for all that left him 
undisturbed, to the enjoyment of the occupation in which 
his whole energies were now completely centred. The 
physician got his guinea at each visit, with scrupulous punct- 
uality; the nurses were well received and were well satisfied, 
for no one interfered with their acts but the doctor ; and 
every ordinary duty of commission was as regularly dis- 
charged by my ancestor, as if the sinking and resigned 
creature from whom he was about to be forever separated 
had been the spontaneous choice of his young and fresh 
affections. 

When, therefore, a servant entered to say that Dr. Ether- 
ington desired a private interview, my worthy ancestor, who 



THE MONIZINS. 25 

Iiad no consciousness of having neglected any obligation that 
became a friend of church and state, was in no small measure 
surprised. 

" I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty," said the 
pious rector, entering the private cabinet to which his appli- 
cation had for the first time obtained his admission ; " the 
fatal secret can no longer be concealed from you, and your 
wife at length consents that I shall be the instrument of re- 
vealing it." 

The Doctor paused ; for on such occasions it is perhaps as 
well to let the party that is about to be shocked receive a 
little of the blow through his own imagination ; and busily 
enough was that of my poor father said to be exercised on 
this painful occasion. He grew pale, opened his eyes until 
they again filled the sockets into which they had gradually 
been sinking for twenty years, and looked a hundred ques- 
tions that his tongue refused to put. 

" It cannot be, Doctor," he at length querulously said, " that 
a woman like Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events 
connected with the last great secret expedition, and which 
have escaped my jealousy and experience !" 

" I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has obtained 
glimpses of the last great and secret expedition on which we 
must all, sooner or later, embark, that have entirely escaped 
your vigilance. But of this I will speak some other time. 
At present it is my painful duty to inform you it is the 
opinion of the physician that your excellent wife cannot out- 
live the day, if, indeed, she do the hour." 

]\[y father was struck with this intelligence, and for more 
than a minute he remained silent and without motion. 
Casting his eyes toward the papers on which he had lately 
been employed, and which contained some very important 
calculations connected with the next settling day, he at length 
resumed : 

"If this bo really so, Doctor, it may be well for me to go 



2C THEMONIKINS. 

to her, since one in the situation of the poor woman may in- 
deed have something of importance to communicate." 

"It is with this object that I have now come to tell you 
the truth," quietly answered the divine, who knew that 
nothing was to be gained by contending with the besetting 
weakness of such a man, at such a moment. 

My father bent his head in assent, and, first carefully en- 
closing the open papers in a secretary, he followed his com- 
panion to the bedside of his dying wife. 



TIIEMONIKINS. 27 



CHAPTER II. 

TOUCHING irrSELF AM) TEN THOUSAND POUNDS. 

Although my ancestor was mucli too ^Yise to refuse to 
look back upon his origin in a worldly point of view, lie 
never threw his retrospective glances so far as to reach the 
sublime mystery of his moral existence; and while his 
thoughts might be said to be ever on the stretch to attain 
glimpses into the future, they were by far too earthly to ex- 
tend beyond any other settling day than those which were 
regulated by the ordinances of the stock exchange. With 
him, to be born was but the commencement of a speculation, 
and to die was to determine the general balance of profit and 
loss. A man who had so rarely meditated on the grave 
changes of mortality, therefore, was consequently so much 
the less prepared to gaze upon the visible solemnities of a 
death-bed. Although he had never truly loved my mother, 
for love was a sentiment much too pure and elevated for one 
whose imagination dwelt habitually on the beauties of the 
stock-books, he had ever been kind to her, and of late he was 
even much disposed, as has already been stated, to contribute 
as much to her temporal comforts as comported with his pur- 
suits and habits. On the other hand, the quiet temperament 
of my mother required some more exciting cause than the 
affections of her husband, to quicken those germs of deep, 
placid, womanly love, that certainly lay dormant in her heart, 
like seed withering with the ungenial cold of winter. The 
last meeting of such a pair was not likely to be attended with 
any violent outpourings of grief. 

My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck with the 
physical changes in the appearance of his wife. 



28 THEMONIKINS. 

" Thou art much emaciated, Betsey," he said, taking he/ 
hand Idndty, after a long and solemn pause; "much more so 
than I had thought, or could have believed! Does mirse 
give thee comforting soups and generous nourishment ?" 

My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death ; but waved 
licr hand, with loathing, at his suggestion. 

"All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf," she answered, 
speaking with a distinctness and an energy for which she had 
long been reserving her strength. "Food and raiment are 
no longer among my wants." 

" Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food 
nor raiment, cannot be said to be in great suffering, after all ; 
and I am glad that thou art so much at ease. Dr. Ethering- 
ton tells me thou art far from being Avell bodily, however, and 
I am come expressly to see if I can order any thing that will 
help to make thee more easy." 

"Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life are 
nearly over ; a short hour or two will remove me beyond the 
world, its cares, its vanities, its ." My poor mother prob- 
ably meant to add, its heartlessness or its selfishness; but 
she rebuked herself, and paused: "By the mercy of our 
blessed Redeemer, and through the benevolent agency of 
this excellent man," she resumed, glancing her eye upward 
at first with holy reverence, and then at the divine with meek 
gratitude, " I quit you without alarm, and were it not for one 
thing, I might say without care." 

"And what is there to distress thee, in particular, Betsey?" 
asked my father, blowing his nose, and speaking with unusual 
tenderness ; " if it be in my power to set thy heart at ease 
on this, or on any other point, name it, and I will give orders 
to have it immediately performed. Thou hast been a good 
pious woman, and canst have little to reproach thyself with." 

My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her husband. 
Never before had he betrayed so strong an interest in her 
happiness, and had it not, alas ! been too late, this glimmer- 



THE MONIKINS. 29 

mg of kindness might liave lighted the matrimonial torch 
into a brighter flame than had ever yet glowed upon the 
past. 

"Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son " 

" We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to hear that 
the physician thinks the boy more likely to live than either 
of his poor brothers and sisters." 

I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of 
maternal nature that caused my mother to clasp her hands, 
to raise her eyes to heaven, and, while a gleam flitted 
athwart her glassy eyes and wan cheeks, to murmur her 
thanks to God for the boon. She was herself hasteninc: 
away to the eternal bliss of the pure of mind and the re- 
deemed, and her imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had 
dirawn pictures in which she and her departed babes were 
standing before the throne of the Most High, chanting his 
glory, and shining amid the stars — and yet was she now re- 
joicing that the last and the most cherished of all her off'spring 
was likely to be left exposed to the evils, the vices, nay, to 
the enormities, of the state of being that she herself so 
willingly resigned. 

" It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. Golden- 
calf," replied my mother, when her secret devotion was ended. 
" Tho child will have need of instruction and care ; in short, 
of both mother and father." 

" Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the latter." 

" You are much wrapped up in your business, Mr. Golden- 
calf, and are not-, in other respects, qualified to educate a boy 
born to the curse and to the temptations of immense riches." 

My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought his dying 
consort had in sooth finally taken leave of her senses. 

"There are public schools, Betsey; I promise thee the 
child shall not be forgotten: I will have him well taught, 
though it cost me a thousand a year !" 

His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to that of my 



30 THE MONIKINS. 

father, and pressed the latter with as much force as a dying 
mother could use. For a fleet moment she even appeared to 
have gotten rid of her latest care. But the knowledge of 
character that had been acquired by the hard experience of 
thirty years, was not to be unsettled by the gratitude of a 
moment. 

" I wish, Mr. Goldcncalf," she anxiously resumed, " to re- 
ceive your solemn promise to commit the education of our 
boy to Dr. Etherington — you know his worth, and must have 
full confidence in such a man." 

" Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my dear Bet- 
sey ; and if Dr. Etherington will consent to receive him, I will 
send Jack to his house this very evening ; for, to own the 
truth, I am but little qualified to take charge of a child under 
a year old. A hundred a year, more or less, shall not spoil 
so good a bargain." 

The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave at this 
speech, though, meeting the anxious eyes of my mother, his 
own lost their displeasure in a glance of reassurance and 
pity. 

" The charges of his education will be easily settled, Mr. 
Goldencalf," added my mother; "but the Doctor has con 
sented with difficulty to take the responsibility of my poor 
babe, and that only under two conditions." 

The stock-dealer required an explanation with his eyes. 

" One is, that the child shall be left solely to his own care, 
after he has reached his fourth year ; and the other is, that 
you make an endowment for the support of two poor scholars, 
at one of the principal schools." 

As my mother got out the last words, she fell back on her 
pillow, whence her interest in the subject had enabled her to 
lift her head a little, and she fairly gasped for breath, in the 
intensity of her anxiety to hear the answer. My ancestor con- 
tracted his brow, like one who saw it was a subject that re« 
quired reflection. 



THE MONIKINS. 31 

*' Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these endow- 
ments swallow up a great deal of money — a great deal — and 
often very uselessly." 

"Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been agreed 
upon between Mrs. Goldencalf and me," steadily remarked\ 
the Doctor, who, in my soul, I believe had hoped that his 
condition would be rejected, having yielded to the impor- 
tunities of a dying woman, rather than to his own sense of 
that which might be either very desirable or very useful. 
" Ten thousand pounds 1" 

My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in mak- 
ing an imploring sign of assent. 

" Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, my dear 
Betsey — a very great deal !" 

The color of my mother changed to the hue of death, and 
by her breathing she appeared to be in the agony. 

" Well, well, Betsey," said my father a little hastily, for 
he was frightened at her pallid countenance and extreme dis- 
tress, " have it thine own way — the money, yes, yes — it shall 
be given as thou wishest — now set thy kind heart at rest." 

The revulsion of feeling was too great for one whose sys- 
tem had been wound up to a state of excitement like that 
which had sustained my mother, who, an hour before, had 
seemed scarcely able to speak. She extended her hand to- 
ward her husband, smiled benignantly in his face, whispered 
the word " Thanks," and then, losing all her powers of body, 
-.nk into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the infant drops its 
head on the bosom of the nurse. This was, after all, a sud- 
den, and, in one sense, an unexpected death : all who wit- 
nessed it were struck with awe. My father gazed for a whole 
minute intently on the placid features of his wife, and left tho 
room in silence. He was followed by Dr. Etherington, who 
accompanied him to the private apartment where they had 
first met that night, neither uttering a syllable until both 
were seated. 



32 THE MONIKINS. 

" She was a good woman, Dr. Etheringtoii !" said tlio 
widowed man, shaking his foot with agitation. 

-* She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf." 

"And a good wife, Dr. Etherington." 

" I have always believed her to be a good wife, sir." 

" Faithful, obedient, and frugal." 

"Three qualities that are of much practical use in the 
affairs of this world." 

" I shall never marry again, sir." 

The divine bowed. 

" Nay, I never could find such another match !" 

Again the divine inclined his head, though the assent was 
accompanied by a slight smile. 

" Well, she has left me an heir." 

"And brought something that he might inherit," observed 
the Doctor, dryly. 

My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but 
apparently most of the sarcasm was thrown away. 

" I resign the child to your care. Dr. Etherington, conform- 
ably to the dying request of my beloved Betsey." 

" I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, conformably to my 
promise to the deceased ; but you will remember that there 
was a condition coupled with that promise which must be 
faithfully and promptly fulfilled." 

My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect the 
punctilios of trade, whose code admits of frauds only in cer- 
tain categories, which are sufficiently explained in its con- 
ventional rules of honor; a sort of specified morality, that is 
bottomed more oil the convenience of its votaries than on 
the general law of right. He respected the letter of his 
promise while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit ; and his 
wits were already actively seeking the means of doing that 
which he so much desired. 

"I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly," 
he answered, in the way of one who pondered, " and 



TIIEMONIKINS. 33 

if. was a ^'►romisc, too, made under very solemn circum 
btances." 

"The promises made to tlie dead arc doubly binding; 
since, by their departure to the world of spirits, it may be 
said they leave the performance to the exclusive superin- 
tendence of the Being Avho cannot lie." 

My ancestor quailed ; his whole frame shuddered, and his 
purpose was shaken. 

" Poor Betsey left you as her representative in this case, 
however. Doctor," he observed, after the delay of more than 
a minute, casting his eyes wistfully toward the divine. 

" In one sense, she certainly did, sir." 

"And a representative with full powers is legally a princi- 
pal under a different name. I think this matter might be 
arranged to our mutual satisfaction. Dr. Etherington, and the 
intention of poor Betsey most completely executed; she, 
poor woman, knew little of business, as was best for her sex; 
and when women undertake affairs of magnitude, they are 
very apt to make awkward work of it." 

" So that the intention of the deceased be completely ful- 
filled, you will not find me exacting, Mr. Goldencalf." 

" I thought as much — I knew there could be no difficulty 
between two men of sense, who were met with honest views 
to settle a matter of this nature. The intention of poor 
Betsey, Doctor, was to place her child under your care, with 
the expectation — and I do not deny its justice — that the boy 
would receive more benent from your knowledge than he 
possibly could from mine." 

Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these premises, 
and too polite to admit them without an inclination of ac- 
knowledgement. 

"As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, concerning 
the preliminaries," continued my ancestor, " we will enter a 
little nearer into the details. It appears to me to be no more 
than strict justice, that he who does the work should receive 



34 THEMONIKINS. 

tlie reward. This is a principle in wliich I have been edu- 
cated, Dr. Etherington ; it is one in which I could wish to 
have my son educated ; and it is one on which I hope always 
to practise." 

Another inclination of the body conveyed the silent assent 
of the divine. 

"Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her! — for she was a 
meek and tranquil companion, and richly deserves to be re- 
warded in a future state — but, poor Betsey had little knowl- 
edge of business. She fancied that, in bestowing these ten 
thousand pounds on a charity, she was acting well ; whereas 
she was in fact committing injustice. If you are to have the 
trouble and care of bringing up little Jack, who but you 
should reap the reward ?" 

" I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will furnish the 
means to provide for the child's wants." 

" Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak," interrupted my 
ancestor, both promptly and proudly. " I am a wary man, 
and a prudent man, and am one who knows the value of 
money, I trust ; but I am no miser, to stint my own flesh 
and blood. Jack shall never want for any thing, while it is 
in my power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir, as 
the neighborhood supposes; but then I am no beggar. I 
dare say, if all my assets were fairly counted, it might be 
found that I am worth a plum." 

" You are said to have received a much larger sum than 
that with the late Mrs. Goldencalf," the divine observed, not 
without reproof in his voice. 

"Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar rumor is — 
but I shall not undermine my own credit; and we will change 
the subject. My object, Dr. Etherington, was merely to do 
justice. Poor Betsey desired that ten thousand pounds 
might be given to found a scholarship or two : now, what 
have these scholars done, or what are they likely to do, for 
me or mine ? The case is different with you, sir ; you will 



THE MONIKINS. 35 

nave trouble — much trouble, I make no doubt; and it is 
proper that you should have a sufficient compensation. I 
was about to propose, therefore, that you should consent to 
receive my check for three, or four, or even for five thousand 
pounds," continued my ancestor, raising the offer as he saw 
the frown on the brow of the Doctor deepen. " Yes, sir, I 
will even say the latter sum, which possibly will not be too 
much for your trouble and care ; and we will forget the 
womanish j^lan of poor Betsey in relation to the two scholar- 
ships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down. Doc- 
tor, for yourself, and the subject of the charity forgotten for- 
ever." 

When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, 
he awaited its effect with the confidence of a man who had 
long dealt with cupidity. For a novelty, his calculation 
failed. The face of Dr. Etherington flushed, then paled, and 
finally settled into a look of melancholy reprehension. He 
arose and paced the room for several minutes in silence; dur- 
ing which time his companion believed he was debating with 
himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for his con- 
sent, when he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor 
in a tnild but steady tone. 

" I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said, " to ad- 
monish you of the precipice over which you hang. The love 
of money, which is the root of all evil, which caused Judas 
to betray even his Saviour and God, has taken deep root in 
your soul. You are no longer young, and although still 
proud in your strength and prosperity, are much nearer to 
your great account than you may be willing to believe. It 
is not an hour since you witnessed the departure of a peni- 
tent soul for the presence of her God ; since you heard the 
dying request from her lips ; and since, in such a presence 
and in such a scene, you gave a pledge to respect her wishes, 
and, now, with the accursed spirit of gain uppermost, you 
would trifle with these most sacred obligations, in order to 



36 THE MONIKINS. 

keep a little worthless gold in a Land that is already full to 
overflowing. Fancy that the pure spirit of thy confiding 
and single-minded wife were present at this conversation; 
fancy it mourning over thy weakness and violated faith — nay, 
I know not that such is not the fact ; for there is no reason 
to believe that the happy spirits are not permitted to watch 
near, and mourn over us, until we are released from this mass 
of sin and depravity in which we dwell — and, then, reflect 
what must be her sorrow at hearing how soon her parting 
request is forgotten, how useless has been the example of her 
holy end, how rooted and fearful are thine own infirmities !" 

My father was more rebuked by the manner than by the 
words of the divine. He passed his hand across his brow, 
as if to shut out the view of his wife's spirit ; turned, drew 
his writing materials nearer, wrote a check for the ten thous- 
and pounds, and handed it to the Doctor with the subdued 
air of a corrected boy. 

"Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir," he said, as the 
paper was delivered, " whenever it may be your pleasure to 
send for him." 

They parted in silence ; the divine too much displeased, 
and my ancestor too much grieved, to indulge in words of 
ceremony. 

When my father found himself alone, he gazed furtively 
about the room, to assure himself that the rebuking spirit of 
his wife had not taken a shape less questionable than air, and 
then he mused for at least an hour, very painfully, on all tho 
principal occurrences of the night. It is said that occupa- 
tion is a certain solace for grief, and so it proved to be in the 
present case ; for luckily my father had made up that very 
day his private account of the sum total of his fortune. Sit- 
ting down, therefore, to the agreeable task, he went through 
the simple process of subtracting from it the amount for 
which he had just drawn, and, finding that he was still mas- 
ter of seven hundred and eighty-two thousand three hundred 



T.UE MONIKINfi. 37 

and eleven pounds odd shillings and even pence, lie found a 
very natural consolation for the magnitude of the sum he 
had just given away, by comparing it with the magnitude of 
that which was left. 



38 TUEMONIKJNfi. 



CHAPTER III. 

OPINIONS OP OUR author's ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HW 
OWN, AND SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE'S. 

Dfw Etherington was both a pious man and a gentleman. 
The second son of a baronet of ancient lineage, he had been 
educated in most of the opinions of his caste, and possibly 
he was not entirely above its prejudices ; but, this much ad- 
mitted, few divines were more willing to defer to the ethics 
and principles of the Bible than himself. His humility had, 
of course, a decent regard to station ; his charity was judi- 
ciously regulated by the articles of faith ; and his philanthropy 
was of the discriminating character that became a warm sup- 
porter of church and state. 

In accepting the trust which he was now obliged to assume, 
he had yielded purely to a benevolent wish to smooth the 
dying pillow of my mother. Acquainted with the character 
of her husband, he had committed a sort of pious fraud, in 
attaching the condition of the endowment to his consent; 
for, notwithstanding the becoming language uf his own re- 
buke, the promise, and all the other little attendant circum- 
stances of the night, it might be questioned which felt the 
most surprise after the draft was presented and duly honored, 
he who found himself in possession, or he who found him- 
self deprived, of the sum of ten thousand pounds sterling. 
Still Dr. Etherington acted with the most scrupulous integ- 
rity in the whole affair ; and although I am aware that a 
writer who has so many wonders to relate, as must of neces- 
sity adorn the succeeding pages of this manuscript, should 
observe a guarded discretion in drawing on the credulity of 
his readers, truth compels me to add, that every farthing of 



THE MONIKINS. 39 

tlie money was duly invested witli a single eye to tlic wishca 
of the dying Christian, who, under Providence, had been the 
means of bestowing so much gold on the poor and unlettered. 
As to the manner in which the charity was finally inoproved, 
I shall say nothing, since no inquiry on my part has ever 
enabled me to obtain such information as would justify my 
fipeaking with authority. 

As for myself, I shall have little more to add touching the 
events of the succeeding twenty years. I was baptized, 
nursed, breeched, schooled, horsed, confirmed, sent to the 
university, and graduated, much as befalls all gentlemen of 
the established church in the united kingdoms of Great 
Britain and Ireland, or, in other words, of the land of my 
ancestor. During these pregnant years. Dr. Ethcrington ac- 
quitted himself of a duty that, judging by a very predominant 
feeling of human nature (which, singularly enough, renders 
us uniformly averse to being troubled with other people's af- 
fairs), I think he must have found suflSciently vexatious, quite 
as well as my good mother had any right to expect. Most 
of my vacations were spent at his rectory ; for he had first 
married, then become a father, next a widower, and had ex- 
changed his town living for one in the country, between the 
periods of my mother's death and that of my going to Eton; 
and, after I quitted Oxford, much more of my time was passed 
beneath his friendly roof than beneath that of my own 
parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter. He paid my bills, 
furnished me with pocket-money, and professed an intention 
to let me travel after I should reach my majority. But, 
satisfied with these proofs of paternal care, he appeared will- 
ing to let me pursue my own course very much in my own 
way. 

My ancestor was an eloquent example of the truth of that 
political dogma which teaches the eflScacy of the division of 
labor. No manufacturer of the head of a pin ever attained 
greater dexterity in his single-minded vocation than was 



40 •rilEMONIKINS. 

reached by my father in the one pursuit to which ho devoted, 
so far as human ken could reach, both soul and body. As 
any sense is known to increase in acuteness by constant exer- 
cise, or any passion by indulgence, so did his ardor in favor 
of the great object of his aflfections grow with its growth, 
and become more manifest as an ordinary observer would be 
apt to think the motive of its existence at all had nearly 
ceased. This is a moral phenomenon that I have often had 
occasion to obscive, and which, there is some reason to think, 
depends on a principle of attraction that has hitherto escaped 
the sagacity of the philosophers, but which is as active in 
the immaterial, as is that of gravitation in the material world. 
Talents like his, so incessantly and unweariedly employed, 
produced the usual fruits. He grew richer hourly, and at 
the time of which I speak he was pretty generally known to 
the initiated to be the warmest man who had any thing to 
do with the stock exchange. 

I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor underwent 
as many material changes between the ages of fifty and 
seventy as they had undergone between the ages of ten and 
forty. During the latter period the tree of life usually gets 
deep root, its inclination is fixed, whether obtained by bend- 
ing to the storms, or by drawing toward the light ; and it 
probably yields more in fruits of its own, than it gains by 
tillage and manuring. Still my ancestor was not exactly the 
same man the day he kept his seventieth birthday as he had 
been the day he kept his fiftieth. In the first place, he was 
worth thrice the money at the former period that he had 
been worth at the latter. Of course his moral system had 
undergone all the mutations that are known to be dependent 
on a change of this important character. Beyond a ques- 
tion, during the last five-and-twenty years of the life of my 
ancestor, his political bias, too, was in favor of exclusive 
privileges and exclusive benefits. I do not mean that he was 
an aristocrat in the vulgar acceptation. To him, feudality 



THEMONIKINS. 41 

was a blank ; lie had probably never beard the word. Port- 
cullises rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and 
embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, so far as 
his imagination was concerned. He cared not for the days 
of courts leet and courts baron; nor for the barons them- 
selves ; nor for the honors of a pedigree (why should he ? — ' 
no prince in the land could more clearly trace his family into 
obscurity than himself), nor for the vanities of a court, nor 
for those of society ; nor for aught else of the same nature 
that is apt to have charms for the weak-minded, the imagin- 
ative, or the conceited. His political prepossessions showed 
themselves in a very different manner. Throughout the 
whole of the five lustres I have named, he was never heard 
to whisper a censure against government, let its measures, or 
the character of its administration, be what it would. It was 
enough for him that it was government. Even taxation no 
longer excited his ire, nor aroused his eloquence. He con- 
ceived it to be necessary to order, and especially to the pro- 
tection of property, a branch of political science that he had 
so studied as to succeed in protecting his own estate, in a 
measure, against even this great ally itself. After he became 
worth a million, it was observed that all his opinions grew 
less favorable to mankind in general, and that he was much 
disposed to exaggerate the amount and quality of the few 
boons which Providence has bestowed on the poor. The 
report of a meeting of the whigs generally had an effect on 
his appetite; a resolution that was suspected of emanating 
from Brookes's commonly robbed him of a dinner, and the 
radicals never seriously moved that he did not spend a sleep- 
less night, and pass a large portion of the next day in utter- 
ing words that it would be hardly moral to repeat. I may 
without impropriety add, however, that on such occasions he 
did not spare allusions to the gallows : Sir Francis Burdett, 
in particular, was a target for a good deal of billingsgate ; 
and men as upright and as respectable even as my lords 



42 THE MONIKINS. 

Grey, Landsdowne, and Holland, were treated as if tliey wero 
no better than they should be. But on these little details it 
is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject of common 
remark, that the more elevated and refined men become in 
their political ethics, the more they are accustomed to throw 
dirt upon their neighbors. I will just state, however, that 
most of what I have here related has been transmitted to me 
by direct oral traditions, for I seldom saw my ancestor, and 
when we did meet, it was only to settle accounts, to eat a leg 
of mutton together, and to part like those who, at least, have 
never quarrelled. 

Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say nothing of 
my own merits) had attached him to one who owed so much 
to his care, and his doors were always as open to me as if I 
had been his own son. 

It has been said that most of my idle time (omitting the 
part misspent in the schools) was passed at the rectory. 

The excellent divine had married a lovely woman, a year 
or two after the death of my mother, who had left him a 
widower, and the father of a little image of herself, before the 
expiration of a twelvemonth. Owing to the strength of his 
affections for the deceased, or for his daughter, or because he 
could not please himself in a second marriage as well as it 
had been his good fortune to do in the first, Dr. Ethering- 
ton had never spoken of forming another connection. He ap- 
peared content to discharge his duties, as a Christian and a 
gentleman, without increasing them by creating any new re- 
lations with society.^ 

Anna Etherington was of course my constant companion 
during many long and delightful visits at the rectory. Three 
years my junior, the friendship on my part had commenced 
by a hundred acts of boyish kindness. Between the ages of 
seven and twelve, I dragged her about in a garden-chair, 
pushed her on the swing, and wiped her eyes and uttered 
words of friendly consolation when any transient cloud ob- 



THE MONIKINS. 43 

scared tlie sunny briglitness of her childhood. From twelve 
to fourteen, I told her stories ; astonished her with narratives 
of my own exploits at Eton, and caused her serene blue eyes 
to open in admiration at the marvels of London. At four- 
teen, I began to pick up her pocket-handkerchief, hunt for 
her thimble, accompany her in ducts, and to read poetry to 
her, as she occupied herself with the little lady-like employ- 
ments of the needle. About the ao;e of seventeen I beiran 
to compare cousin Anna, as I was permitted to call her, with 
the other young girls of my acquaintance, and the comparison 
was generally much in her favor. It was also about this 
time that, as my admiration grew more warm and manifest, 
she became less confiding and less frank; I perceived too 
that, for a novelty, she now had some secrets that she did not 
choose to communicate to me, that she was more with her 
governess, and less in my society than formerly, and on one 
occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight) she actually recounted 
to her father the amusing incidents of a little birthday fete 
at which she had been present, and which was given by a 
gentleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a hint to 
me, touching the delight she had experienced on the occa- 
sion! I was, however, a good deal compensated for the 
slight by her saying, kindly, as she ended her playful and 
humorous account of the afi'air : 

" It would have made you laugh heartily. Jack, to see the 
droll manner in which the servants acted their parts ;" (there 
had been a sort of mystified masque) " more particularly the 
fat old butler, of whom they had made a Cupid, as Dick 
GriflSn said, in order to show that love becomes drowsy and 
dull by good eating and drinking — I do wish you could have 
been there, Jack." 

Anna was a gentle feminine girl, -with a most lovely and 
winning countenance, and I did inherently like to hear her 
pronounce the word "Jack" — it was so diff'erent from the 



44 THEMONIKINS. 

boisterous screecli of the Eton boys, or the swaggering call 
of my boon companions at Oxford ! 

" I should have liked it excessively myself, Anna," I an- 
swered ; " more particularly as you seem to have so much en- 
joyed the fun." 

" Yes, but that could not 6e," interrupted Miss-Mrs. Norton, 
the governess. " For Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about 
his associates, and you know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, 
though a very respectable young man himself, could not ex- 
pect one" of the oldest baronets of the county to go out of 
his way to invite the son of a stock-jobber to be present at a 
fete given to his own heir." 

Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington had walked 
away the moment his daughter ended her recital, or she 
might have met with a disagreeable commentary on her 
notions concerning the fitness of associations. Anna herself 
looked earnestly at her governess, and I saw a flush mantle 
over her sweet face that reminded me of the ruddiness of 
morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it was some 
time before she spoke. 

The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle under a 
window of the library, where my person was concealed by 
the shrubbery, when I heard the melodious voice of Anna 
wishing the rector good morning. My heart beat quicker as 
she approached the casement, tenderly inquiring of her 
parent how he had passed the night. The answers were as 
affectionate as the questions, and then there was a little 
pause. 

" What is a stock-jobber, father?" suddenly resumed Anna, 
whom I heard rustling the leaves above my head. 

"A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and sells in the 
public funds, with a view to profit." 

"And is it thought a imrticularhj disgraceful employ- 
ment ?" 

"Why, that depends on circumstances. On 'Change it 



THEMONIKINS. 45 

seems to be well enouo'li — amonix mercliants and bankcra 
there is some odium attached to it, I believe." 

"And can you say why, father?" 

" I believe," said Dr. Etherington, laughing, " for no other 
reason than that it is an uncertain calling — one that is liable 
to sudden reverses — what is termed gambling — and whatever 
renders property insecure is sure to obtain odium among 
those whose principal concern is its accumulation ; those who 
consider the responsibility of others of essential importance 
tc themse ves." 

" But is it a dishonest pursuit, father !" 

"As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; though it may 
readily become so." 

"And is it disreputable, generally, with the world?" 

" That depends on circumstances, Anna. When the stock- 
jobber loses, he is very apt to be condemned; but I rather 
think his character rises in proportion to his gains. But why 
do you ask these singular questions, love ?" 

I thouo;ht I heard Anna breathe harder than usual, and it 
is certain that she leaned far out of the window to pluck a 
rose. 

" Why, Mrs. Norton said Jack was not invited to Sir Harry 
Griffin'^because his father was a stock-jobber. Do you think 
she was right, sir?" 

" Very likely, my dear," returned the divine, who I fancied 
was smiling at the question. " Sir Harry has the advantages 
of birth, and he probably did not forget that our friend 
Jack was not so fortunate — and, moreover. Sir Harry, while 
he values himself on his wealth, is not as rich as Jack's 
father by a million or two — in other words, as they say on 
'Change, Jack's father could buy ten of him. This motive 
was perhaps more likely to influence him than the first. In 
addition. Sir Harry is suspected of gambling himself in the 
funds through the aid of agents ; and a gentleman who re- 
sorts to such means io increase his fortune is a little apt to 



4G THEMONIKINS. 

exaggerate liis social advantages by way of a set-oflf to tlio 
liurailiation." 

^^ And gentlemen do really become stock-jobbers, father?" 

"Anna, the world has undergone great changes in my 
time. Ancient opinions have been shaken, and governments 
themselves are getting to be little better than political estab 
lishments to add facilities to the accumulation of money. 
This is a subject, however, you cannot very well understand, 
nor do I pretend to be very profound in it myself." 

"But is Jack's father really so very, very rich?" asked 
Anna, whose thoughts had been wandering from the thread 
of those pursued by her father. 

"He is believed to be so." 

"And Jack is his heir." 

" Certainly — he has no other child ; though it is not easy 
to say what so singular a being may do with his money." 

" I hope he will disinherit Jack !" 

"You surprise me, Anna! You, who are so mild and 
reasonable, to wish such a misfortune to befall our young 
friend John Goldencalf !" 

I gazed upward in astonishment at this extraordinary 
speech of Anna, and at the moment I would have given all 
my interest in the fortune in question to have seen her face 
(most of her body was out of the window, for I heard her 
again rustling the bush above my head), in order to judge 
of her motive by its expression ; but an envious rose grew 
exactly in the only spot where it was possible to get a 
glimpse. 

" Why do you wish so cruel a thing ?" resumed Dr. Ether- 
ington, a little earnestly. 

"Because I hate stock-jobbing and its riches, father. 
Were Jack poorer, it seems to me he would be better es- 
teemed." 

As this was uttered the dear girl drew back, and I then 
perceived that I had mistaken her cheek for one of the 



THEMONIKINS. 47 

largest and most blooming of the flowers. Dr. Etlierington 
laughed, and I distinctly heard him kiss the blushing face of 
his daughter. I think I would have given up my hopes in 
another million to have been the rector at Tenthpig at that, 
instant. 

"If that be all, child," he answered, "set thy heart at 
rest. Jack's money will never bring him into contempt un- 
less through the use he may make of it. Alas ! Anna, wo 
live in an age of corruption and cupidity ! Generous motives 
appear to be lost sight of in the general desire of gain ; and 
he who would manifest a disposition to a pure and disinter- 
ested philanthropy is either distrusted as a hypocrite or de- 
rided as a fool. The accursed revolution amonor our nei2:h- 
bors the French has quite unsettled opinions, and religion 
itself has tottered in the wild anarchy of theories to which 
it has given rise. There is no worldly advantage that has 
been more austerely denounced by the divine writers than 
riches, and yet it is fast rising to be the god of the ascendant. 
To say nothing of an hereafter, society is getting to be cor- 
rupted by it to the core, and even respect for birth is yielding 
to the mercenary feeling." 

"And do you not think pride of birth, father, a mistaken 
prejudice as well as pride of riches ?" 

" Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be defended 
on evangelical principles; but surely some distinctions among 
men are necessary, even for quiet. Were the leveUing prin- 
ciple acknowledged, the lettered and the accomplished must 
descend to an equality with the ignorant and vulgar, since 
all men cannot rise to the attainments of the former class, 
and the world would retrograde to barbarism. The charac- 
ter of a Christian gentleman is much too precious to trifle 
with in order to carry out an impracticable theory." 

Anna was silent. Probably she was confused between the 
opinions which she most liked to cherish and the faint glim- 
merings of truth to which we are reduced by the ordinarv 



48 THE M0NIKIN3. 

relations of life. As for the good rector himself, I had no 
difficulty in understanding his bias, though neither his prem- 
ises nor his conclusions possessed the logical clearness that 
used to render his sermons so delightful, more especially 
when he preached about the higher qualities of the Saviour's 
dispensation, such as charity, love of our fellows, and, in 
particular, the imperative duty of humbling ourselves before 
God. 

A month after this accidental dialogue, chance made me 
auditor of what passed between my ancestor and Sir Joseph 
Job, another celebrated dealer in the funds, in an interview 
that took place in the house of the former in Cheapside. As 
the difference was so ^m^e?2i5, as the French express it, I shall 
furnish the substance of what passed. 

"This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. 
Goldencalf," observed Sir Joseph, " and calls for union and 
cordiality among the holders of property. Should these 
damnable opinions get fairly abroad among the people, what 
would become of us ? I ask, Mr. Goldencalf, what would be- 
come of us?" 

"I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming! — 
frightfully alarming !" 

" We shall have agrarian laws, sir. Your money, sir, and 
mine — our hard earnings — will become the prey of political 
robbers, and our children will be beggared to satisfy the 
envious longings of some pitiful scoundrel without a six- 
pence !" 

" 'Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph ; and government 
is very culpable that it don't raise at least ten new regi- 
ments." 

" The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that there are 
some jack-a-napeses of the aristocracy who lead the rascals 
on and lend them the sanction of their names. It is a great 
mistake, sir, that we give so much importance to birth in 
this island, by which means proud beggars set unwashed 



THE MONIKINS. 49 

blackguards m motion, and the substantial subjects are tbc 
sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger, and property is the 
only true basis of society." 

" I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the smallest use 
in birth." 

" It is of no use but to beget pensioners, Mr. Goldencalf. 
Now with property it is a different thing— money is the 
parent of money, and by money a state becomes powerful 
and prosperous. But this accursed revolution among our 
neighbors the French has quite unsettled opinions, and, alas ! 
property is in perpetual danger !' 

" Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every nerve of my 
Dody, Sir Joseph." 

"We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. Goldencalf, else 
both you and I, men warm enough and substantial enough at 
present, will be in the ditch. Do you not see that we are in 
actual danger of a division of property ?" 

"God forbid!" 

" Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger !" 

Here Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by the hand 
and withdrew. I find, by a memorandum among the papers 
of my deceased ancestor, that he paid the broker of Sir 
Joseph, that day month, sixty-two thousand seven hundred 
and twelve pounds difference (as bull and bear), owing to 
the fact of the knight having got some secret information 
through a clerk in one of the offices ; an advantage that ena- 
bled him, in this instance, at least, to make a better bargain 
than one who was generally allowed to be among the 
shrewdest speculators on 'Chano-e. 

My mind was of a nature to be considerably exercised (as 
the pious purists express it), by becoming the depository of 
sentiments so diametrically opposed to each other as those 
of Dr. Etherington and those of Sir Joseph Job. On the 
one side, I was taught the degradation of birth; on the 
other, the dangers of property. Anna was usually my con- 



50 THE MONIKINS. 

fidant, but on tliis subject I was tongue-tied, for I dared not 
confess that I had overheard the discourse with her father, 
and I was compelled to digest the contradictory doctrines by 
mvself in the best manner I could. 




THE M NIKINS. 51 



CHAPTER IV. 

BHOWlNa THE UPS AND DOWNS, TKE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE 
VAGARIES OP LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OP 
AN INHERITANCE. 

From my twentieth to my twenty-third year no event 
occurred of any great moment. The day I became of age 
my father settled on me a regular allowance of a thousand a 
year, and I make no doubt I should have spent my time 
much as other young men had it not been for the peculiarity 
of my birth, which I now began to see was wanting in a few 
of the requisites to carry me successfully through a struggle 
for place with a certain portion of what is called the great 
world. While most were anxious to trace themselves into 
obscurity, there was a singular reluctance to effecting the ob- 
ject as clearly and as distinctly as it was in my power to do. 
From all which, as well as from much other testimony, I 
have been led to infer that the doses of mystification which 
appear to be necessary to the happiness of the human race 
require to be mixed with an experienced and a delicate hand. 
Our organs, both physically and morally, are so fearfully con- 
stituted that they require to be protected from realities. As 
the physical eye has need of clouded glass to look steadily 
at the sun, so it would seem the mind's eye has also need of 
something smoky to look steadily at truth. But, while I 
avoided laying open the secret of my heart to Anna, I sought 
various opportunities to converse with Dr. Etherington and 
my father on those points which gave me the most concern. 
From the first, I heard principles which went to show that 
society was of necessity divided into orders ; that it was not 



62 THEMONIKINC. 

only impolitic but wicked to wealicn the barriers by which 
they were separated ; that Heaven had its seraphs and 
cherubs, its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely 
happy, and that, by obvious induction, this world ought to 
have its kings, lords, and commons. The usual winding-up 
of all the Doctor's essays was a lamentation on the confusion 
in classes that w*as visiting England as a judgment. My an- 
cestor, on the other hand, cared little for social classification, 
or for any other conservatory expedient but force. On this 
topic he would talk all day, regiments and bayonets glitter- 
ing in every sentence. When most eloquent on this theme 
he would cry (like Mr. Manners Sutton), " ORDER — order !" 
nor can I recall a single disquisition that did not end with, 
"Alas, Jack, property is in danger!" 

I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped confusion 
among these conflicting opinions, although I luckily got a 
glimpse of one important truth, for both the commentators 
cordially agreed in fearing and, of necessity, in hating the 
mass of their fellow-creatures. My own natural disposition 
was inclining to philanthropy, and as I was unwilling to ad- 
mit the truth of theories that arrayed me in open hostility 
against so large a portion of mankind, I soon determined to 
set up one of my own, which, while it avoided the faults, 
should include the excellences of both the others. It was, 
of course, no great affair merely to form such a resolution ; 
but I shall have occasion to say a word hereafter on the man- 
ner in which I attempted to carry it out in practice. 

Time moved on, and Anna became each day more beauti- 
ful. I thought that she had lost some of her frankness and 
girlish gayety, it is true, after the dialogue with her father ; 
but this I attributed to the reserve and discretion that be- 
came the expanding reason and greater feeling of propriety 
that adorn young womanhood. With me she was always in- 
genuous and simple, and were I to live a thousand years the 
angelic serenity of countenance with which she invariably 



THBMONIKINS. 53 

listened to the tlieories of my busy brain would not be 
era&ed from recollection. 

We were talking of these things one morning quite alone. 
Anna heard me when I was most sedate with manifest 
pleasure, and she smiled mournfully when the thread of my 
argument was entangled by a vagary of the imagination. I 
felt at my heart's core what a blessing such a mentor would 
be, and how fortunate would be my lot could I succeed in 
securing her for life. Still I did not, could not, summon 
courage to lay bare my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon 
that in these moments of transient humility I feared I never 
should be worthy to possess. 

" I have even thought of marrying," I continued — so oc- 
cupied with my own theories as not to weigh, with the ac- 
curacy that becomes the frankness and superior advantages 
which man possesses over the gentler sex, the full import of 
my words — "could I find one, Anna, as gentle, as good, as 
beautiful, and as wise as yourself who would consent to be 
mine I should not wait a minute ; but, unhappily, I fear this 
is not likely to be my blessed lot. I am not the grandson 
of a baronet, and your father expects to unite you with one 
who can at least show that the ' bloody hand' has once been 
borne on his shield ; and, on the other side, my father talks 
of nothing but millions." During the first part of this speech 
the amiable girl looked kindly np at me, and with a seeming 
desire to soothe me ; but at its close her eyes dropped upon 
her work and she remained silent. " Your father says that 
every man who has an interest in the state should give it 
pledges" — here Anna smiled, but so covertly that her sweet 
mouth scarce betrayed the impulse — " and that none others 
can ever control it to advantage. I have thought of asking 
my father to buy a borough and a baronetcy, for with the 
first, and the influence that his money gives, he need not 
long wish for the last ; but I never open my lips on any mat- 
ter of the sort that he does not answer, ' Fol lol der rol, 



54 THE MOXIKIXS. 

Jack, witli your kniglithoods, and social order, and bishop- 
rics, and boroughs — property is in danger ! — loans and regi- 
ments, if thou wilt — give us more order — " ORDER — order" 
— ^bayonets are what we want, boy, and good wholesome 
taxes, to accustom the nation to contribute to its own wants 
and to maintain its credit. Why, youngster, if the interest 
on the debt were to remain unpaid twenty-four hours, your 
body corporate, as you call it, would die a natural death ; 
and what would then become of your knights-barro-knights ? 
— and barren enough some of them are getting to be by 
their wastefulness and extravagance. Get thee married. Jack, 
and settle prudently. There is neighbor Silverpenny has an 
only daughter of a suitable age ; and a good hussy is she in 
the bargain. The only daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will 
be a suitable wife for the only son of Thomas Goldencalf ; 
though I give thee notice, boy, that thou wilt be cut off with 
a competency ; so keep thy head clear of extravagant castle- 
building, learn economy in season, and, above all, make no 
debts.' " Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the well- 
known intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a cloud dark- 
ened her bright features when I concluded. 

"Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your father," I 
resumed, "and he thought with me that the idea of the 
borough and the baronetcy was a good one. * You would be 
the second of your line. Jack,' he said, * and that is always 
better than being the first ; for there is no security for a 
man's being a good member of society hke that of his hav- 
ing presented to his eyes the examples of those who have 
gone before him, and who have been distinguished by their 
services or their virtues. If your father would consent to 
come into parliament and sustain government at this critical 
moment, his origin would be overlooked, and you would have 
pride in looking back on his acts. As it is, I fear his whole 
soul is occupied with the unworthy and debasing passion of 
mere gain. Money is a necessary auxiliary to rank, and 



THE MO NIK INS. 55 

without rank tliere can be no order, and witliout order no 
liberty; but when tlie love of money gets to occupy the 
place of respect for descent and past actions, a community 
loses the very sentiment on which all its noble exploits are 
bottomed.' So you see, dear Anna, that our parents hold 
very different opinions on a very grave question, and between 
natural affection and acquired veneration I scarcely know 
which to receive. If I could find one sweet, and wise, and 
beautiful as thou, and who could pity me, I would marry to- 
morrow, and cast all the future on the happiness that is to be 
found with such a companion." 

As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she did not, 
however, view matrimony with exactly the same eyes as my- 
self was clearly proved the very next day, for young Sir Harry 
Griffin (the father was dead) offered in form and was very 
decidedly refused. 

Although I was always happy at the rectory, I could not 
help feeling rather than seeing that, as the French express it, 
I occupied a false position in society. Known to be the ex- 
pectant of great wealth, it was not easy to be overlooked 
altogether in a country whose government is based on a rep- 
resentation of property, and in which boroughs are openly 
in market ; and yet they who had obtained the accidental 
advantage of having their fortunes made by their grand- 
fathers were constantly convincing me that mine, vast as it 
was thought to be, \vas made by my father. Ten thousand 
times did I wish (as it has since been expressed by the great 
captain of the age), that I had been my own grandson ; for 
notwithstanding the probability that he who is nearest to the 
founder of a fortune is the most likely to share the largest in 
its accumulations, as he who is nearest in descent to the 
progenitor who has illustrated his race is the most likeJy to 
feel the influence of his character, I was not long in per- 
ceiving that in highly refined and intellectual communities 
the public sentiment, as it is connected with the respect and 



66 THE MONIKINS. 

influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes the in- 
ferences of all reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was 
out of my place, uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful ; in 
short I occupied a false position^ and unluckily one from 
which I saw no plausible retreat except by falling back on 
Lombard-street or by cutting my throat. Anna alone — kind, 
gentle, serene-eyed Anna — entered into all my joys, sym- 
pathized in my mortifications, and appeared to view me as I 
was; neither dazzled by my wealth nor repelled by my 
origin. The day she refused young Sir Harry Griffin I could 
have kneeled at her feet and called her blessed ! 

It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited by its 
study. I was a hving proof of the truth of the opinion that 
brooding over one's wrongs or infirmities seldom does much 
more than aggravate the evil. I greatly fear it is in the 
nature of man to depreciate the advantages he actually en- 
joys and to exaggerate those which are denied him. Fifty 
times during the six months that succeeded the repulse of 
the young baronet did I resolve to take heart and to throw 
myself at the feet of Anna, and as often was I deterred by the 
apprehension that I had nothing to render me worthy of one 
so excellent, and especially of one who was the grand- 
daughter of the seventh English baronet. I do not pretend 
to explain the connection between cause and effect, for I am 
neither physician nor metaphysician; but the tumult of 
spirits that resulted from so many doubts, hopes, fears, res- 
olutions, and breakings of resolutions, began to aftect my 
health, and I was just about to yield to the advice of my 
friends (among whom Anna was the most earnest and the 
most sorrowful), to travel, when an unexpected call to attend 
the death-bed of my ancestor was received. I tore myself 
from the rectory and hurried up to town with the diligence 
and assiduity of an only son and heir summoned on an oc- 
casion so solemn. 

I found my ancestor still in the possession of his senses, 



THEMONIKINS. 57 

tliougli given over by tlie physicians; a circumstance that 
proved a degree of disinterestedness and singleness of pur- 
pose on their part that was scarcely to be expected toward a 
patient who it was commonly believed was worth more than 
a million. My reception by the servants and by the two or 
three friends who had assembled on this melancholy occasion, 
too, was sympathizing, warm, and of a character to show their 
solicitude and forethought. 

My reception by the sick man was less marked. The total 
abstraction of his faculties in the one great pursuit of his 
life ; a certain sternness of purpose which is apt to get the 
ascendant with those who are resolute to gain, and which 
usually communicates itself to the manners; and an absence 
of those kinder ties that are developed by the exercise of the 
more famihar charities of our existence had opened a breach 
between us that was not to be filled by the simjDle unaided 
fact of natural affinity. I say of natural affinity, for notwith- 
standing the doubts that cast their shadows on that branch 
of my genealogical tree by which I was connected with my 
maternal grandfather, the title of the king to his crown is not 
more apparent than was my direct lineal descent from my 
father. I always believed him to be my ancestor de jure as 
well as dc facto ^ and could fain have loved him and honored 
him as such had my natural yearnings been met with more 
lively bowels of sympathy on his side. 

Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that 
had thus existed between the father and son, the meeting on 
the present occasion, was not entirely without some manifest- 
ations of feeling. 

" Thou art come at last, Jack," said my ancestor, " I was 
afraid, boy, thou might'st be too late." 

The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, and broken 
utterance of my father struck me with awe. This was the 
first death-bed by which I had ever stood ; and the admon- 
ishing picture of time passing into eternity was indelibly 



58 THE MONIKINS. 

stauiped on my memory. It was not only a death-bed scene, 
but it was a family deatli-bed scene. I know not bow it Avas, 
but I thought my ancestor looked more like the Goldencalfa 
than I had ever seen him look before. 

" Thou hast come at last, Jack," he repeated, " and I'm 
glad of it. Thou art the only being in w^hom I have new 
any concern. It might have been better, perhaps, had I 
lived more with my kind — but thou wilt be the gainer. Ah ! 
Jack, we are but miserable mortals after all ! To be called 
away so suddenly and so young !" 

My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birthday ; but un- 
happily he had not settled all his accounts with the world, 
although he had given the physician his last fee and sent 
the parson away with a donation to the poor of the parish 
that would make even a beggar merry for a whole life. 

" Thou art come at last. Jack ! Well, my loss will be thy 
gain, boy ! Send the nurse from the room." 

I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves. 

"Take this key," handing me one from beneath his pil- 
low, " and open the upper drawer of my secretary. Bring me* 
the packet which is addressed to thyself." 

I silently obeyed ; when my ancestor, first gazing at it with 
a sadness that I cannot well describe — for it was neither 
worldly nor quite of an ethereal character, but a singular and 
fearful compound of both — put the papers into my hand, re- 
linquishing his hold slowly and with reluctance. 

"Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?" 

A tear burst from out its source and fell upon the emaciated 
hand of my father. He looked at me wistfully, and I felt a 
slight pressure that denoted affection. 

" It might have been better. Jack, had we known more of 
each other. But Providence made me fatherless, and I have 
lived childless by my own folly. Thy mother was a saint, I 
believe ; but I fear I learned it too late. "Well, a blessing 
often comes at the eleventh hour !" 



THE MO NIK INS. 5i) 

As my ancestor now manifested a desire net to be dis- 
turbed, I called tlie nurse and quitted the room, retiring to 
my own modest cliamber, wliere the packet, a large bundle 
of papers sealed and directed to myself in the handwriting 
of the dying man, was carefully secured under a good lock 
I did not meet my father again but once under circumstances 
which admitted of intelligible communion. From the time 
of our first interview he gradually grew worse, his reason tot- 
tered, and, like the sinful cardinal of Shakspeare, " he died 
and gave no sign." 

Three days after my arrival, however, I was left alone with 
him, and he suddenly revived from a state approaching to 
stupor. It was the only time since the first interview in which 
he had seemed even to know me. 

"Thou art come at last!" he said, in a tone that was al- 
ready sepulchral. " Canst tell me, boy, why they had golden 
rods to measure the city?" His nurse had been reading to 
him a chapter of the Revelations which had been selected by 
himself. " Thou seest, lad, the wall itself was of jasper and 
the city was of pure gold — I shall not need money in m> 
new habitation — ha ! it will not be wanted there !— I am not 
crazed, Jack — would I had loved gold less and my kind 
more. The city itself is of pure gold and the walls of jas- 
per — precious abode ! — ha ! Jack, thou hearest, boy — I am 
happy — too happy, Jack ! — gold — gold !" 

The final words were uttered with a shout. They were 
the last that ever came from the lips of Thomas Goldencalf. 
The noise brought in the attendants, who found him dead. 
I ordered the room to be cleared as soon as the melancholy 
truth was fairly established, and remained several minutes 
alone with the body. The countenance was set in death. 
The eyes, still open, had that revolting glare of frenzied de- 
light with which the spirit had departed, and the whole 
face presented the dread picture of a hopeless end. I knelt 
and, though a Protestant, prayed fervently for the soul of 



60 TIIEMONIKINS. 

the deceased. I then took my leave of tbe first and the last 
of all my ancestors. 

To this scene succeeded the usual period of outward sor- 
row, the interment, and the betrayal of the expectations of 
the survivors. I observed that the house was much fre- 
quented by many who rarely or never had crossed its 
threshold during the life of its late owner. There was much 
cornering, much talking in an undertone, and looking at me 
that I did not understand, and gradually the number of reg- 
ular visitors increased until it amounted to about twenty. 
Among them were the parson of the parish, the trustees of 
several notorious charities, three attorneys, four or five well- 
known dealers of the stock-exchange, foremost aniong whom 
was Sir Joseph Job, and three of the professionally benevo- 
lent, or of those whose sole occupation appears to be that of 
quickening the latent charities of their neighbors. 

The day after my ancestor was finally removed from our 
sight, the house was more than usually crowded. The secret 
conferences increased both in earnestness and in frequency, 
and finally I was summoned to meet these ill-timed guests in 
the room which had been the sanctum sanctorum of the late 
owner of the dwelling. As I entered among twenty strange 
faces, wondering why I, who had hitherto passed through 
life so little heeded, should be unseasonably importuned. Sir 
Joseph Job presented himself as the spokesman of the 
party. 

" We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf," the knight com- 
menced, decently wiping his eyes, "because we think that 
respect for our late much-esteemed, most excellent, and very 
respectable friend requires that we no longer neglect his final 
pleasure, but that we should proceed at once to open his will, 
in order that we may take prompt measures for its execution. 
It would have been more regular had we done this before he 
was interred, for we cannot have foreseen his pleasure con- 
cerning his venerable remains ; but it is fully my determina 



THEMONIKINS. 61 

tioii to have every thing done as he has ordered, even though 
we may be compelled to disinter the body." 

I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature 
has not denied me a proper spirit. What Sir Joseph Job, or 
any one but myself, had to do with the will of my ancestor 
did not strike me at first sight ; and I took care to express as 
:nuch, in terms it was not easy to misunderstand. 

"The only child and, indeed, the only known relative of 
the deceased," I said, "I do not well see, gentlemen, how 
this subject should interest in this lively manner so many 
strangers !" 

"Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir," returned Sir 
Joseph, smiling ; " but you ought to know, young gentleman, 
that if there are such things as heirs there are also such 
things as executors !" 

This I did know already, and I had also somewhere im- 
bibed an opinion that the latter was commonly the most 
lucrative situation. 

" Have you any reason to suppose. Sir Joseph Job, that mv 
late father has selected you to fulfil this trust?" 

" That will be better known in the end, young gentleman. 
Your late father is known to have died rich, very rich — not 
that he has left as much by half a million as vulgar report 
will have it — but what I should term comfortably off; and it 
is unreasonable to suppose that a man of his great caution 
and prudence should suffer his money to go to the heir-at- 
law, that heir being a youth only in his twenty-third year, 
ignorant of business, not overgifted with experience, and 
having the propensities of all his years in this ill-behaving 
and extravagant age, without certain trusts and provisions 
which will leave his hard earnings for some time to come 
under the care of men who like himself know the full value 
of money." 

" No, never ! — 'tis quite irapossible^'tis more than impos- 
sible 1" exclaimed the bystanders, all shaking their heads. 



C2 THEMONIKINS. 

"And tlie late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of 
the substantial names on 'Change, and particularly with Sir 
Joseph Job !" added another. 

Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, 
and stood waiting for my reply. 

"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph," I said, ironically; 
" but it matters not. If there is a will it is as much my in- 
terest to know it as it can possibly be yours ; and I am quite 
willing that a search be made on the spot." 

Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but being a man of 
business he took me at my word, and, receiving the keys I 
offered, a proper person was immediately set to work to open 
the drawers. The search was continued for four hours with- 
out success. Every private drawer was rumaged, every paper 
opened, and many a curious glance was cast at the contents 
of the latter, in order to get some clew to the probable 
amount of the assets of the deceased. Consternation and 
uneasiness very evidently increased among. most of the spec- 
tators as the fruitless examination proceeded ; and when the 
notary ended, declaring that no will was to be found, nor any 
evidence of credits, every eye was fastened on me as if I 
were suspected of stealing that which in the order of nature 
was likely to be my own without the necessity of crime. 

" There must be a secret repository of papers somewhere," 
said Sir Joseph Job, as if he suspected more than he wished 
just then to express, " Mr. Goldencalf is largely a creditor on 
the public books, and yet here is not so much as a scrip for a 
pound !" 

I left the room and soon returned, bringing with me the 
bundle that had been committed to me by my father. 

" Here, gentlemen," I said, " is a large packet of papers 
that were given to me by the deceased on his death-bed with 
his own hands. It is, as you see, sealed wdth his seal and 
especially addressed to me in his own handwriting, and it is 
not violent to suppose that the contents concern me only. 



THEMONIKINS. 63 

Still, as you take so great an interest in tlie affairs of the 
deceased, it shall now be opened, and those contents, so far 
as you can have any right to know them, shall not be hid 
from you." 

I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw the packet 
and. had examined the handwriting of the envelope. All, 
however, expressed their satisfaction that the search was now 
most probably ended. I broke the seals and exposed the 
contents of the envelope. Within it there were several 
smaller packets, each sealed with the seal of the deceased, 
and each addressed to me in his own handwritino; like the 
external covering. Each of these smaller packets, too, had 
a separate endorsement of its contents. Taking them as they 
lay I read aloud the nature of each before I proceeded to the 
next. They were also numbered. 

"No. 1," I commenced. "Certificates of public stock held 
by Tho. Goldencalf, June 12th, 1815." We were now at 
June 29th of the same year. As I laid aside this packet I 
observed that the sum endorsed on its back greatly exceeded 
a million. " No 2. Certificates of Bank of England stock." 
This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds. "No. 
3. South Sea Annuities." Nearly three hundred thousand 
pounds. "No. 4. Bonds and mortgages." Four hundred 
and thirty thousand pounds. "No. 5. The bond of Sir Joseph 
Job for sixty-three thousand pounds." 

I laid down the paper and involuntarily exclaimed, "Prop- 
erty is in danger !" Sir Joseph turned pale, but he beckoned 
to me to proceed, saying, "We shall soon come to the will, sir." 

"No. 6. " I hesitated; for it was an assignment to 

myself, which from its very nature I perceived was an abortive 
attempt to escape the payment of the legacy duty. 

"Well, sir. No. 6?" inquired Sir Joseph, with tremulous 
exultation. 

"Is an instrument affecting myself, and with which you 
have no concern, sir." 



64 



THE M O N I K I N S . 



" ^^'e shall see, sir, we shall see, sir — if you refuse to ex- 
hibit the paper there are laws to compel you." 

"To do what, Sir Joseph Job? To exhibit to my father's 
debtors' papers that are exclusively addressed to me and 
which can affect me only ? But here is the paper, gentle- 
men, that you so much desire to see. * No. 7. The last will 
and testament of Tho. Goldencalf, dated June lYth, 1816.'" 
(lie died June the 24th of the same year.) 

"Ah! the precious instrument!" exclaimed Sir Joseph 
Job, eagerly extending his hand as if expecting to receive the 
will. 

" This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen," I said, holding 
it up in a manner that all present might see it, " is especially 
addressed to myself, and it shall not quit my hands until I 
learn that some other has a better right to it." 

I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, for I had 
seen but little of my father and I knew that he had been a 
man of very peculiar opinions as well as habits. The will 
was all in his own handwriting, and it was very short. Sum- 
moning courage I read it aloud in the following words : 

" In the name of God — Amen : I, Tho. Goldencalf, of the 
parish of Bow, in the city of London, do publish and declare 
this instrument to be my last will and testament : 

" That is to say ; I bequeath to my only child and much- 
beloved son, John Goldencalf, all my real estate in the parish 
of Bow and city of London, aforesaid, to be held in fee-sim- 
ple by him, his heirs, and assigns, forever. 

" I bequeath to my said only child and much-beloved son, 
John Goldencalf, all my personal property of every sort and 
description whatever of which I may die possessed, includ- 
ing bonds and mortgages, public debt, bank stock, notes of 
hand, goods and chattels, and all others of my effects, to him, 
his heirs, or assigns. 

" I nominate and appoint my said much-beloved son, John 
Goldencalf, to be the sole executor of this my last will and 



THE MONITilNS. 



testament, counselling him not to confide in any of those wlio 
may profess to have been my friends; and particularly to turn 
a deaf ear to all the pretensions and solicitations of Sir Joseph 
Job, Knight. In witness whereof," etc., etc. 

This will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the 
nurse, his confidential clerk, and the housemaid. 

" Property is in danger, Sir Joseph !" I dryly remarked, as 
I gathered together the papers in order to secure them. 

"This will may be set aside, gentlemen !" cried the kniglit 
in a fury. " It contains a libel !" 

" And for whose benefit. Sir Joseph ?" I quietly inquired. 
" With or without the will my title to my father's assets 
would seem to be equally valid." 

This was so evidently true that the more prudent retired 
m silence ; and even Sir Joseph after a short delay, during 
which he appeared to be strangely agitated, withdrew. The 
next week his failure was announced, in consequence of some 
extravagant risks on 'Change, and eventually I received but 
three shillings and four-pence in the pound for my bond of 
sixty-three thousand. 

When the money was paid I could not help exclaiming 
mentally, " Property is in danger 1" 

The following morning Sir Joseph Job balanced his ac- 
count with the world by cutting his throat. 



66 THE MO NIK INS. 



CHAPTER V. 

AROin THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATIOJ? 
AND OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES. 

The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settle- 
ment as those of a pauper. In twenty-four hours I was com- 
pletely master of them, and found myself if not the richest, 
certainly one of the richest subjects of Europe. I say sub- 
jects, for sovereigns frequently have a way of appropriating 
the effects of others that would render a pretension to rivalry 
ridiculous. Debts there were none ; and if there had been, 
ready money was not wanting : the balance in cash in my 
favor at the bank amounted in itself to a fortune. 

The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. 
Without a solitary claim on either my time or my estate, 1 
was in the enjoyment of an income that materially exceeded 
the revenues of many reigning princes. I had not an expen- 
sive nor a vicious habit of any sort. Of houses, horses, 
hounds, packs, and menials, there were none to vex or per- 
plex me. In every particular save one I was completely my 
own master. That one was the near, dear, cherished senti- 
ment that rendered Anna in my eyes an angel (and truly she 
wa3 little short of it in those of other people), and made her 
the polar star to which every wish pointed. How gladly 
would I have paid half a million just then to be the grand- 
son of a baronet with precedency from the seventeenth 
century ! 

There was, however, another and a present cause for un- 
easiness that gave me even more concern than the fact that 
my family reached the dark ages with so much embarrassing 
facility. In witnessing the dying agony of my ancestor I had 



THEMONIKINS. Gl 

got a dread lesson on tlie vanity, tlie hopeless character, the 
dangers, and the delusions of wealth that time can never 
eradicate. The history of its accumulation was ever present 
to mar the pleasure of its possession. I do not mean that I 
suspected what by the world's convention is deemed dis- 
honesty — of that there had been no necessity — but simply 
that the heartless and estranged existence, the waste of ener- 
gies, the blunted charities, and the isolated and distrustful 
habits of my father appeared to me to be but poorly requited 
by the joyless ownership of its millions. I would have given 
largely to be directed in such a way as while escaping the 
wastefulness of the shoals of Scylla I might in my own case 
steer clear of the miserly rocks of Charybdis. 

When I drove from between the smoky lines of the Lon- 
don houses into the green fields and amid the blossoming 
hedges, this earth looked beautiful and as if it were made to 
be loved. I saw in it the workmanship of a divine and 
beneficent Creator, and it was not difiicult to persuade my- 
self that he who dwelt in the confusion of a town in order 
to transfer gold from the pocket of his neighbor to his own 
had mistaken the objects of his being. My poor ancestor 
who had never quitted London stood before me with his 
dying regrets ; and my first resolution was to live in open 
communion with my kind. So intense, indeed, did my 
anxiety to execute this purpose become that it might have led 
even to frenzy had not a, fortunate circumstance interposed to 
save me from so dire a calamity. 

The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely 
avoided the parade and trouble of postchaise and servants), 
passed through a market town of known loyalty on the eve 
of a contested election. This appeal to the intelligence and 
patriotism of the constituency had occurred in consequence 
of the late incumbent having taken office. The new minis- 
ter, for he was a member of the cabinet, had just ended his 
canvass, and he was about to address his fellow-subjects from 



68 THE MONIKINS. 

a window of the tavern in wliicli lie lodged. Fatigued, but 
ready to seek mental relief by any means, I tlirew myself 
from the coach, secured a room, and made one of the mul- 
titude. 

The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded 
by his principal friends, among whom it was delightful to see 
earls, lords John, baronets, dignitaries of the church, trades- 
men of influence in the borough, and even a mechanic or 
two, all squeezed together in the agreeable amalgamation of 
p^olitical affinity. Here then, thought I, is an example of the 
heavenly charities ! The candidate himself, the son and lieir 
of a peer, feels that he is truly of the same flesh and blood as 
his constituents ; how amiably he smiles ! — how bland are 
his manners ! — and with what cordiality does he shake hands 
with the greasiest and the worst ! There must be a cor- 
rective to human pride, a stimulus to the charities, a never- 
ending lesson of benevolence in this part of our excellent 
system, and I will look farther into it. The candidate ap- 
peared and his harangue commenced. 

Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the 
precise language of the orator, but his opinions and precepts 
are so deeply graven on my recollection that I do not fear 
misrepresenting them. He commenced with a very proper 
and eloquent eulogium on the constitution, which he fear- 
lessly pronounced to be in its way the very perfection of 
human reason ; in proof of which he adduced the well-ascer- 
tained fact that it had always been known throughout the 
vicissitudes and trials of so many centuries to accommodate 
itself to circumstances, abhorring change. " Yes, my friends," 
he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic and constitutional fervor, 
"whether under the roses or the lilies — the Tudors, the 
Stuarts, or the illustrious house of Brunswick, this glorious 
structure has resisted the storms of faction, has been able to 
receive under its sheltering roof the most opposite elements 
of domestic strife, affording protection, warmth, aye, and foot] 



THE MO NIK INS. 69 

and raiment" — (bere tlie orator happily laid liis hand on the 
shoulder of a butcher, who wore a frieze overcoat that made 
him look not unlike a stall-fed beast) — " yes, food and raiment, 
victuals and drink, to the meanest subject in the realm. Nor 
is this all ; it is a constitution peculiarly English : and who 
is there so base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his fathers, 
to his descendants, as to turn his back on a constitution that 
is thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution that he 
has inherited from his ancestors, and which by every obliga- 
tion both human and divine he is bound to transmit un- 
changed to posterity ;" — here the orator, who continued to 
speak, however, was deafened by shouts of applause, and that 
part of the subject might very fairly be considered as defin- 
itively settled. 

From the constitution as a whole the candidate next pro- 
ceeded to extol the particular feature of it that was known 
as the borough of Householder. According to his account 
of this portion of the government, its dwellers were animated 
by the noblest spirit of independence, the most rooted de- 
termination to uphold the ministry of which he was the least 
worthy member, and were distinguished by what in an 
ecstasy of political eloquence he happily termed the most 
freeborn understanding of its rights and privileges. This 
loyal and judicious borough had never been known to w^aste 
its favors on those who had not a stake in the community. 
It understood that fundamental principle of good govern- 
ment which lays down the axiom that none w^ere to be trusted 
but those who had a visible and an extended interest in the 
country ; for without these pledges of honesty and independ- 
ence what had the elector to expect but bribery and cor- 
ruption — a traffic in his dearest rights, and a bargaining that 
might destroy the glorious institutions under which he dwelt. 
This part of the harangue was listened to in respectful 
silence, and shortly after the orator concluded; when the 
electors dispersed, with, no doubt, a better opinion of them' 



70 THEMONIKINS. 

selves and the constitution than it had probably been their 
good fortune to entertain since the previous election. 

Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) 
at the same table with an attorney who had been very active 
the whole morning among the Householders, and who I soon 
learned, from himself, was the especial agent of the owner of 
the independent borough in question. He told me that he had 
come down with the expectation of disposing of the whole 
property to Lord Pledge, the ministerial candidate named ; 
but the means had not been forthcoming as he had been led 
to hope, and the bargain was unluckily broken off at the very 
moment when it was of the utmost importance to know to 
whom the independent electors rightfully belonged. 

" His lordship, however," continued the attorney, winking, 
"has done what is handsome; and there can be no more 
doubt of his election than there would be of yours did you 
happen to own the borough." 

"And is the property now open for sale ?" I asked. 

" Certainly — my principal can hold out no longer. The 
price is settled, and I have his power of attorney to make the 
preliminary bargain. 'Tis a thousand pities that the public 
mind should be left in this undecided state on the eve of an 
election." 

"Then, sir, I will be the purchaser." 

My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. 
He had transacted too much business of this nature, how- 
ever, not to feel his way before he was cither off or on. 

" The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five 
tliousand pounds, sir, and the rental is only six J" 

" Be it so. My name is Goldencalf : by accompanying 
me to town you shall receive the money." 

"Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the 
late Thomas Goldencalf of Cheapside ?" 

" The same. My father has not been dead a month." 

" Pardon me, sir — convince me of your identity — we must 



THEMONIKINS. 71 

be particular in matters of this sort — and you shall have 
possession of the property in season to secure your own 
election or that of any of your friends. I will return Lord 
Pledge his small advances, and another time he will know 
better than to fail of keeping his promises. What is a 
borough good for if a nobleman's word is not sacred ? You 
will find the electors, in particular, every way worthy of your 
favor. They are as frank, loyal, and straightforward a con- 
stituency as any in England. No skulking behind the ballot 
for them ! — and in all respects they are fearless Englishmen 
who will do what they say, and say wliatever their landlord 
shall please to require of them." 

As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, 
nothing was easier than to convince the attorney of my 
identity. He called for pen and ink ; drew out of his pocket 
the contract that had been prepared for Lord Pledge ; gave 
it to me to read ; filled the blanks ; and affixing his name, 
called the waiters as witnesses, and presented me the paper 
with a promptitude and respect that I found really delight- 
ful. So much, thought I, for having given pledges to society 
by the purchase of a borough. I drew on my bankers for 
three hundred and twenty-five thousand pounds, and arose 
from table virtually the owner of the estate of Householder 
and of the political consciences of its tenantry. 

A fact so important could not long be unknown ; and in a 
few minutes all eyes in the coff'ee-room were upon me. The 
landlord presented himself and begged I would do him the 
honor to take possession of his family parlor, there being no 
other at his disposal. I was hardly installed before a servant 
in a handsome livery presented the followincr note * 

" Dear Mr. Goldencalf : 

" I have this moment heard of your being in town, and 
am exceedingly rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with 
your late excellent and most loyal father justifies my claiming 



72 THE MONIKINS. 

you for a friend, and I waive all ceremony (official, of course, 
is meant, there being no reason for any other between us), 
and beg to be admitted for half an hour. 
" Dear Mr. Goldencalf, 

" Yours very faithfully and sincerely, 

"Pledge. 

» Goldencalf, Esquire, 

Monday evening.''^ 

I beo-o'cd that the noble visitor mi^ht not be made to wait 
a moment. Lord Pledge met me like an old and intimate 
friend. lie made a hundred handsome inquiries after my 
dead ancestor; spoke feelingly of his regret at not having 
been summoned to attend his death-bed; and then very in- 
genuously and warmly congratulated me on my succession to 
so large a property. 

" I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. 
I could not make it convenient just at this particular moment 
to conclude my own arrangement — but it is a good thing. 
Three hundred and twenty thousand, I suppose, as was men- 
tioned between me and the other party V 

" Three hundred and twenty-j^^e thousand, Lord Pledge." 

I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate 
that I had paid the odd five thousand as a fine — a circum- 
stance which accounted for the promptitude of the attorney 
in the transaction, he most probably pocketing the difference 
himself. 

" You mean to sit, of course 2" 

" I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general 
election ; but at present I shall be most happy to aid your 
return." 

"My dear Mr. Goldencalf " 

" Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, 
the noble sentiments I heard you express this morning were 
so very proper, so exceedingly statesmanlike, so truly English,' 
that I shall feel infinitely more satisfaction in knowing that 



THEMONIKINS. 73 

you fill tlie vacant seat than if it were in my own posses- 
eion." 

" I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish 
to God there was more of it in the world. But you can 
count on our friendship, sir. What you have just remarked 
is true, very true, only too true, true to a hair — a-a-a — I 
mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those senti- 
ments of mine which — a-a-a — I say it, before God, without 
vanity — but which, as you have so very ably intimated, are 
so truly proper and English." 

" I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have 
said it. I am peculiarly situated myself. With an immense 
fortune, without rank, name, or connections, nothing is easier 
than for one of my years to be led astray; and it is my ardent 
desire to hit upon some expedient that may connect me prop- 
erly with society." 

" Marry, my dear young friend — select a wife from among 
the fair and virtuous of this happy isle — unluckily I can 
propose nothing in this way myself — for both my own sisters 
are disposed of." 

"I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand 
times, my dear Lord Pledge; although I scarcely dare 
execute my own wishes. There are objections — if I were 
only the child, now, of a baronet's second son, or " 

" Become a baronet yourself," once more interrupted my 
noble friend, with an evident relief from suspense ; for I 
verily believe he thought I was about to ask for something 
better. " Your affair shall be arranged by the end of the 
week — and if there is any thing else I can do for you, I beg 
you to name it without reserve." 

" If I could hear a few more of those remarkable senti- 
ments of yours, concerning the stake we should all have in 
Bociety, I think it would relieve my mind." 

My companion looked at me a moment with a very awk- 
4 



74 THEMONIKINS. 

ward sort of an intensity, drew Ms liand across Lis brows, 
reflected, and then obligingly complied. 

"You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a 
few certainly very just but very ill-arranged ideas. That a 
man without a proper stake in society is little better than 
the beasts of the fields, I hold to be so obvious that it is un- 
necessary to dwell on the point. Eeason as you will, forward 
or backward, you arrive at the same result — he that hath 
nothing is usually treated by mankind little better than a 
dog, and he that is little better than a dog usually has 
nothing. Again. What distinguishes the savage from the 
civilized man? Why, civilization to be sure. Now, what is 
civilization? The arts of life. What feeds, nourishes, sus- 
tains the arts of life ? Money or property. By consequence, 
civihzation is property, and property is civilization. If the 
control of a country is in the hands of those who possess the 
property, the government is a civilized government ; but, on 
the other hand, if it is in the hands of those who have no 
property, the government is necessarily an uncivilized gov- 
ernment. It is quite impossible that any one should become 
a safe statesman who does not possess a direct property in- 
terest in society. You know there is not a tyro of our polit- 
ical sect who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom." 

"Mr. Pitt?" 

" Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way ; but 
then, you will recollect, he was the immediate representative 
of the tories, who own most of the property of England." 

"Mr. Fox?" 

"Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you 
know. No, my dear Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall 
always arrive at the same results. You will, of course, as you 
have just said, take one of the seats yourself at the next 
general election ?" 

"I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate." 

Tliis speech sealed onr friendship ; for it was a pledge to 



THE MONIKINS. 75 

my noble acquaintance of his future connection with the 
borough. He was much too high-bred to express his thanks 
in vulgar phrases (though high-breeding rarely exhibits all 
its finer qualities pending an election), but — a man of the 
world, and one of a class whose main business it is to put 
the S2iaviter in onodo, as the Prench have it, en evidence — the 
reader may be sure that when we parted that night I was in 
perfect good humor with myself and, as a matter of course, 
with my new acquaintance. 

The next day the canvass was renewed, and we had 
another convincing speech on the subject of the virtue of "a 
stake in society ;" for Lord Pledge was tactician enough to 
attack the citadel, once assured of its weak point, rather than 
expend his efforts on the outworks of the place. That night 
the attorney arrived from town with the title-deeds all prop- 
erly executed (they had been some time in preparation for 
Lord Pledge), and the following morning early the tenants 
were servegl with the usual notices, with a handsomely ex- 
pressed sentiment on my part in favor of " a stake in society." 
About noon Lord Pledge walked over the course, as it is 
expressed at Newmarket and Doncaster. After dinner we 
separated, my noble friend returning to town, while I pur- 
sued my way to the rectory. 

Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elev- 
ated above mortality, than when we met, a week after I had 
quitted Householder, in the breakfast-parlor of her father's 
abode, 

" You are beginning to look like yourself again. Jack," she 
said, extending her hand with the simple cordiality of an 
Englishwoman; "and I hope we shall find you more 
rational." 

"Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at 
your feet, and tell you how much and what I feel, I should 
be the happiest fellow in all England." 

"As it is you are the most miserable !" the laughing girl 



76 THEMONIZINS. 

answered as, crimsoned to tlie temples, she drew away the 
hand I was foolishly pressing against my heart. " Let ns go 
to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf — my father has ridden across the 
country to visit Dr. Liturgy." 

"Anna," I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of 
tea from fingers that were rosy as the morn, " I fear you are 
the greatest enemy that I have on earth." 

"John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, turning 
pale and then flushing violently. " Pray explain yourself." 

"I love you to my heart's core — could marry you, and 
then, I fear, worship you, as man never before worshipped 
woman." 

Anna laughed faintly. 

"And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?" she at 
length succeeded in saying. 

" No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies — of 
losing a broad and safe hold of life — of losing my proper 
stake in society — of — in short, of becoming as useless to my 
fellows as my poor, poor father, and of making an end as 
miserable. Oh ! Anna, could you have witnessed the hope- 
lessness of that death-bed, you could never wish me a fate 
like his !" 

My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the ex- 
pression with which Anna regarded me. Wonder, doubt, 
apprehension, affection, and anguish were all beaming in her 
eyes ; but the unnatural brightness of these conflicting senti- 
ments was tempered by a softness that resembled the pearly 
lustre of an Italian sky. 

"If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condi- 
tion differ from that of my miserable father's? He con- 
centrated his feelings in the love of money, and I — yes, I 
feel it here, I know it is here — I should love you so intensely 
as to shut out every generous sentiment in favor of others. I 
have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders — wealth, gold ; 
gold beyond limits ; and to save my very soul I must extend 



TIIEMONIKINS. 77 

not narrow my interest in my fellow-creatures. Were there 
a hundred such Annas I might press you all to my heart — 
but, one ! — no — no — 'twould be misery — 'twould be perdition ! 
The very excess of such a passion would render me a heart- 
less miser, unworthy of the confidence of my fellow-men !" 

The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read 
my soul; and when I had done speaking she arose, stole 
timidly to my side of the table, as woman approaches when 
she feels most, placed her velvet-like hand on my burning 
forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her heart, 
burst into tears, and fled. 

We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. 
The manner of Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate ; 
but she carefully avoided the subject of the morning. As 
for myself, I was constantly brooding over the danger of 
concentrating interests, and of the excellence of the social- 
stake system. 

" Your spirits will be better, Jack, in a day or two," said 
Anna, when we had taken wine after the soup. " Country 
air and old friends will restore your freshness and color." 

"If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as 
man was never happy before ! But I must not, dare not, 
lessen my hold on society." 

"All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. 
But here comes Francis with yesterday morning's paper — let 
us see what society is about in London." • 

After a few moments of intense occupation with the jour- 
nal, an exclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet 
girl. On raising my eyes I saw her gazing (as I fancied) 
fondly at myself. 

"Read what you have that seems to give you so much 
pleasure." 

She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice 
the following paragraph : 

"His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise 



78 TIIEMONIKINS. 

Jolin Goldencalf of Houseliolder Hall, in the county of Dor- 
set, and of Cheapside, Esquire, to the dignity of a baronet 
of the united kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland." 

" Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your 
liealth and happiness !" cried the delighted girl, brightening 
like the dawn, and wetting her pouting lip with liquor less 
ruby than itself. " Here, Francis, fill a bumper and drink to 
the new baronet." 

The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good 
grace, and then hurried into the servants' hall to communicate 
the news. 

" Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on 
you, whatever hold you may have on society." 

I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it 
showed that Lord Pledge had some sense of gratitude (al- 
though he afterward took occasion to intimate that I owed 
the favor chiefly to hope)^ and I believe my eyes never ex- 
pressed more fondness. 

"Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after 
all, dearest Anna." 

"As applied to one. Sir John, it might possibly do ; but not 
as applied to a hundred." Anna laughed, blushed, burst into 
tears once more, and again fled. 

What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single- 
hearted and excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident 
that the subject distresses her — she is unequal to its discus- 
sion, and it is unmanly and improper in me to treat it in this 
manner. I must be true to my character as a gentleman and 
a man — aye, and, under present circumstances, as a baronet ; 
and — I will never speak of it again as long as I live. 

The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his 
daughter, with the avowed intention of travelling for a year 
or two. The good rector gave me much friendly advice, flat- 
tered me with expressions of confidence in my discretion, 
find, squeezing me warmly by the hand, begged me to recol- 



THE MONIKINS. 79 

lect that I had always a home at the rectory. When 1 
had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a sorrowful 
heart, in quest of the daughter. She w^as still in the little 
breakfast-parlor — that parlor so loved! I found her pale, 
timid, sensitive, bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb 
that heavenly quality in the dear girl ; if she laughed,- it was 
with a restrained and moderated joy ; if she wept, it was like 
rain falling from a sky that still shone with the lustre of the 
sun. It was only when feeling and nature were unutterably 
big within her, that some irresistible impulse of her sex 
betrayed her into emotions like those I had twice witnessed 
so lately. 

"You are about to leave us, Jack," she said, holding out 
her hand kindly and without the aflfectation of an indiffer- 
ence she did not feel ; " you will see many strange faces, but 
you will see none who " 

I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although 
she struggled hard for self-possession, it was never finished. 

"At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be un- 
becoming to remain at home, when, if I may so express it, 
* human nature is abroad.' I go to quicken my sympathies, 
to open my heart to my kind, and to avoid the cruel regrets 
that tortured the death-bed of my father." 

" Well — well," interrupted the sobbing girl, " we will talk 
of it no more. It is best that you should travel; and so 
adieu, with a thousand — nay, millions of good wishes for 
your happiness and safe return. You will come back to us, 
Jack, when tired of other scenes !" 

This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so 
winning that it came near upsetting all my philosophy ; but 
I could not marry the whole sex, and to bind down my 
affections in one would have been giving the death-blow to 
the development of that sublime principle on which I was 
bent, and which I had already decided was to make me 
worthy of my fortune and the ornament of my species. Had 



80 THEMONIKINS 

I been offered a kingdom, however, I could not speak. I 
took the unresisting girl in my arms, folded her to my heart, 
pressed a burning kiss on her cheek, and withdrew. 

" You will come back to us, Jack ?" she half whispered, aa 
her hand was reluctantly drawn through my own. 

Oh ! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and 
gentle confidence, thy radiant beauty, thy serene affections, 
and all thy womanly virtues, in order to practise my newly- 
discovered theory ! Long did thy presence haunt me — nay, 
never did it entirely desert me — putting my constancy to a 
severe proof, and threatening at each remove to contract the 
lengthening chain tluit still bound me to thee, thy fireside, 
and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad upon the 
earth with a heart expanding toward all the creatures of 
God, though thy image was still enshrined in its inmost core, 
shining in womanly glory, pure, radiant, and without spot, 
like the floating prism that forms the lustre of the diamond. 



I'lIB MONIKINS. 81 



CHAPTER VI. 

A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY — SOME PEACTICAL IDEAS, AND TU£ 
COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES. 

The recollection of the intense feelings of that important 
period of my life has, in some measure, disturbed the con- 
nection of the narrative, and may possibly have left some 
little obscurity in the mind of the reader on the subject of 
the new sources of happiness that had broken on my own 
intelligence. A word here in the way of elucidation, there- 
fore, may not be misapplied, although it is my purpose to 
refer more to my acts, and to the wonderful incidents it will 
shortly be my duty to lay before the world, for a just under- 
standing of my views, than to mere verbal explanations. 

Happiness — happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. 
I aimed at a life of useful and active benevolence, a death- 
bed of hope and joy, and an eternity of fruition. With such 
an object before me, my thoughts, from the moment that I 
witnessed the dying regrets of my father, had been intensely 
brooding over the means of attainment. Surprising as, no 
doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained the clew to 
this sublime mystery at the late election for the borough of 
Householder, and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like 
other important discoveries, it is very simple when under- 
stood, being easily rendered intelligible to the dullest capac- 
ities, as, indeed, in equity, ought to be the case with every 
principle that is so intimately connected with the well-being 
of man. 

It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the 
only legitimate object of all human associations. The ruled 
concede a certain portion of their natural rights for tho 



82 THEMONIKINa. 

benefits of peace, security, and order, with the understanding 
that they are to enjoy the remainder as their own proper in- 
defeasible estate. It is true that there exist in different 
nations some material differences of opinion on the subject 
of the quantities to be bestowed and retained ; but these ab- 
errations from a just medium are no more than so many 
caprices of the human judgment, and in no manner do they 
affect the principle. I found also that all the wisest and best 
of the species, or what is much the same thing, the most 
responsible, uniformly maintain that he who has the largest 
stake in society is, in the nature of things, the most qualified 
to administer its affairs. By a stake in society is meant, 
agreeable to universal convention, a multiplication of those 
interests which occupy us in our daily concerns — or what is 
vulgarly called property. This principle works by exciting 
us to do right through those heavy investments of our own 
which would inevitably suffer were we to do wrong. The 
proposition is now clear, nor can the premises readily be 
mistaken. Happiness is the aim of society ; and property, 
or a vested interest in that society, is the best pledge of our 
disinterestedness and justice, and the best qualification for 
its proper control. It follows as a legitimate corollary that a 
multiplication of. those interests will increase the stake, and 
render us more and more worthy of the trust by elevating us 
as near as may be to the pure and ethereal condition of the 
angels. One of those happy accidents which sometimes 
make men emperors and kings, had made me, perhaps, the 
richest subject of Europe. "With this polar star of theory 
shining before my eyes, and with practical means so ample, 
it would have been clearly my own fault had I not steered 
my bark into the right haven. If he who had the heaviest 
investments was the most likely to love his fellows, there 
could be no great difficulty for one in my situation to take 
the lead in philanthropy. It is true that with superficial ob- 
servers the instance of my own immediate ancestor might be 



THE MO NIK INS, S3 

supposed to form an exception, or rather an objection, to the 
theory. So far from this being the case, however, it proves 
the very reverse. My father in a great measure had con- 
centrated all his investments in the national debt ! Now, 
beyond all cavil, he loved the funds intensely ; grew violent 
when they were assailed ; cried out for bayonets when the 
mass declaimed against taxation ; eulogized the gallows when 
there were menaces of revolt, and in a hundred other ways 
proved that " where the treasure is, there will the heart be 
also." The" instance of my father, therefore, like all ex- 
ceptions, only went to prove the excellence of the rule. lie 
had merely fallen into the error of contraction, when the 
only safe course was that of expansion. I resolved to ex- 
pand ; to do that which probably no political economist had 
ever yet thought of doing — in short, to carry out the principle 
of the social stake in such a way as should cause me to love 
all things, and consequently to become worthy of being in- 
trusted with the care of all things. 

On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to 
my Lord Pledge. At first I had felt some doubts whether 
the baronetcy would or would not aid the system of philan- 
thropy ; for by raising me above a large portion of my kind, 
it was in so much at least a removal from philanthropical 
sympathies ; but by the time the patent was received and 
the fees were paid, I found that it might fairly be con- 
sidered a pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently 
brought within the rule I had prescribed for my own gov- 
ernment. 

The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in 
making the purchases that were necessary to attach me to 
mankind. A month was diligently occupied in this way. 
As ready money was not wanting, and I was not very par- 
ticular on the subject of prices, at the end of that time I 
began tD have certain incipient sentiments which went to 
prove the triumphant success of the experiment. In other 



84 TIIEMONIKINS. 

words I owned much, and was beginning to take a lively in- 
terest in all I owned. 

I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, 
and Wales. This division of real property was meant to 
equalize my sentiments justly between the different portions 
of my native country. Not satisfied with this, however, I 
extended the system to the colonies. I had East India 
shares, a running ship, Canada land, a plantation in Jamaica, 
sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales, an indigo con- 
cern at Bengal, an establishment for the collection of an- 
tiques in the Ionian Isles, and a connection with a shipping 
house for the general supply of our various dependencies with 
beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths, and ironmongery. From 
the British empire my interests were soon extended into 
other countries. On the Garonne and Xeres I bought vine- 
yards. In Germany I took some shares in different salt and 
coal-mines; the same in South America in the precious 
metals ; in Russia I dipped deeply into tallow ; in Switzer- 
land I set up an extensive manufactory of watches, and 
bought all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had 
silkworms in Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath 
in Lucca, and a maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily 
I sent funds for the purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept 
a connoisseur to conduct a general agency in the supply of 
British articles, such as mustard, porter, pickles, and corned 
beef, as well as for the forwarding of pictures and statues to 
the lovers of the arts and of virtu. 

By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of 
business. Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to suc- 
ceed smoothed the way, however, and I began to look about 
me and to take breath. By way of relaxation I now de- 
scended into details ; and for a few days I frequented the 
meetings of those who are called " the Saints," in order to 
see if something might not be done toward the attainment 
ot my object through their instrumentality. I cannot say 



THE M0NIKIN8. 85 

that tliis experiment met with all the success I had an- 
ticipated. I heard a great deal of subtle discussion, found 
that manner was of more account than matter, and had un- 
reasonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So near a 
view of charity had a tendency to expose its blemishes, as 
the brilliancy of the sun is known to exhibit defects on the 
face of beauty, which escape the eye when seen through 
the medium of that artificial light for which they are best 
adapted ; and I soon contented myself with sending my con- 
tributions at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. This 
experiment gave 'me occasion to perceive that human virtues, 
like little candles, shine best in the dark, and that their 
radiance is chiefly owing to the atmosphere of a " naughty 
Avorld." From speculating I returned to facts. 

The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for 
some years, and finding a singular apathy in my own bosom 
on this important subject, I bought five hundred of each sex 
to stimulate my sympathies. This led me nearer to the 
United States of America, a country that I had endeavored 
to blot out of my recollection ; for while thus encouraging a 
love for the species, I had scarcely thought it necessary to 
go so far from home. As no rule exists without an excep- 
tion, I confess I was a good deal disposed to believe that a 
Yankee might very fairly be an omission in an Englishman's 
philanthropy. But " in for a penny in for a pound." The 
negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was 
soon the owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In 
addition to these purchases I took shares in divers South-Sea- 
men, owned a coral and pearl-fishery of my own, and sent 
an agent with a proposition to King Tamamamaah to create 
a monopoly of sandal-wood in our joint behalf. 

The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my 
eyes. I had fulfilled the essential condition of the political 
economists, the jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the 
" talents and decency," and had stakes in half the societies 



86 THE MONIKINS. 

of tlie world. I was fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to 
dictate to most of tlie people of Christendom ; for I had 
taken a direct interest in their welfares by making them my 
own. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post-chaise, 
and to gallop down to the rectory in order to lay my new- 
born alliance with the species, and all its attendant felicity, at 
the feet of Anna, but the terrible thought of monogamy, and 
of its sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed my 
course. I wrote to her weekly, however, making her the 
participator of a portion of my happiness, though I never 
had the satisfaction of receiving a single line in reply. 

Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the 
species, I now quitted England on a tour of philanthropical 
inspection. I shall not weary the reader with an account of 
my journeys over the beaten tracks of the continent, but 
transport him and myself at once to Paris, in which city I 
arrived on the l7th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had seen 
much, fancied myself improved, and, by constant dwelling 
on my system, saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon 
saw the celebrated star which defied the duller vision of his 
uncle the cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens 
with those who direct all their energies to a given point, the 
opinions originally formed of certain portions of my theory 
began to undergo mutations, as nearer and more practical 
views pointed out inconsistencies and exposed defects. As 
regards Anna in particular, the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and 
yet distinct picture of womanly loveliness that was rarely 
absent from my mind, had for the past twelvemonth haunted 
me with a constancy of argument that might have unsettled 
the Newtonian scheme of philosophy itself. I already more 
than questioned whether the benefit to be derived from the 
support of one so afifectionate and true would not fully coun- 
terbalance the disadvantage of a concentration of interest, 
so far as the sex was concerned. This growing opinion was 
fast getting to be conviction, when I encountered on the 



THEMONIKINS. 87 

boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the rector's, 
who gave me the best account of the family, adding, aftei 
descanting on the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that 
the dear girl had quite lately actually refused a peer of the 
realm, who enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of 
youth, riches, birth, rank, and a good name, and who had 
selected her from a deep conviction of her worth, and of her 
ability to make any sensible man happy. As to my own 
power over the heart of Anna I never entertained a doubt. 
She had betrayed it in a thousand ways and on a hundred 
occasions ; nor had I been at all backward in letting her un- 
derstand how highly I valued her dear self, although I had 
never yet screwed up my resolution so high as distinctly to 
propose for her hand. But all my unsettled purposes became 
concentrated on hearing this welcome intelligence ; and, tak- 
ing an abrupt leave of my old acquaintance, I hurried home 
and wrote the following letter : 

" Dear — very dear, nay — dearest Anna : 

" I met your old neighbor this morning on the 

boulevards, and during an interview of an hour we did little 
else but talk of thee. Although it has been my most ardent 
and most predominant wish to open my heart to the whole 
species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone ! Absence, 
so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too 
many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent vir- 
tues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to 
think that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient 
freedom of thought and action to turn the attention I ought 
to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with me in 
idea in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land, in 
dangers and in safety, in all seasons, regions, and situations, 
and there is no sufficient reason why those who are ever 
present in the spirit should be materially separated. Thou 
liast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to breathe a 



88 THE MO NIK INS. 

wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thy feet 
and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not 
lose ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, 
but come forth again in company to acquire a new and still 
more powerful hold on this beautiful creation, of which, by 
tliis act, I acknowledge thee to be the most divine portion. 
" Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species', 
" Forever, 

"John Goldencalf. 
^To Miss Etherington." 

If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself 
when this letter was written, sealed, and fairly dispatched. 
The die was cast, and I walked into the air a regenerated 
and an elastic being ! Let what might happen, I was sure of 
Anna. Her gentleness w^ould calm my irritability ; her 
prudence temper my energies ; her bland but enduring affec- 
tions soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around me, 
myself included, and I found a sweet assurance of the wis- 
dom of the step I had just taken in the expanding sentiment. 
If such were my sensations now that every thought centred 
in Anna, what would they not become when these personal 
transports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to the 
action of the ordinary impulses ! I began to doubt of the 
infallibility of that part of my system which had given me 
so much pain, and to incline to the new doctrine that by 
concentration on particular parts we come most to love the 
whole. On examination there was reason to question 
whether it was not on this principle even that, as an especial 
landholder, I attained so great an interest in my native 
island ; for while I certainly did not own the whole of Great 
Britain, I felt that I had a profound respect for every thing 
in it that was in any, even the most remote manner, con- 
nected with my own particular possessions. 

A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness 



TIIEMONIKINS. 89 

of tliis short but heavenly period became so exciting, so ex- 
quisite, that I was on the point of giving birth to an im- 
provement on my theory (or rather on the theory of the 
political economists and constitution-mongers, for it is in fact 
theirs and not mine), when the answer of Anna was received. 
If anticipation be a state of so much happiness — happiness 
being the great pursuit of man — why not invent a purely 
probationary condition of society? — why not change its 
elementary features from positive to anticipating interests, 
which would give more zest to life, and bestow felicity unim- 
paired by the dross of realities ? I had determined to carry 
out this principle in practice by an experiment, and left the 
hotel to order an agent to advertise, and to enter into a 
treaty or two, for some new investments (without the smallest 
intention of bringing them to a conclusion), when the porter 
delivered me the ardently expected letter. I never knew 
what would be the effect of taking a stake in society by an- 
ticipation, therefore ; the contents of Anna's missive driving 
every subject that was not immediately connected with the 
dear writer, and with sad realities, completely out of my 
head. It is not improbable, however, that the new theory 
would have proved to be faulty, for I have often had occasion 
to remark that heirs (in remainder, for instance) manifest an 
hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principle of an- 
ticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for social 
consequences to which the legislator looks with so much 
anxiety. 

The letter of Anna was in the following words : 

" Good — nay, Dear John. 

"Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is 
the fifth answer I have commenced, and you will therefore 
see that I do not write without reflection. I know thy ex- 
cellent heart, John, better than it is known to thyself. It 
has either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the last 



90 THE MO NIK INS. 

importance to tliy fellow-creatures, or it has led tliee cruelly 
astray. An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy ought 
not to be abandoned on account of a few momentary misgiv- 
ings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight at 
the instant thou art soaring so near the sun ! Should we 
both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy 
wife at a future day. "We are still young, and there is no 
urgency for an immediate union. In the mean time, I will 
endeavor to prepare myself to be the companion of a philan- 
thropist by practising on thy theory, and, by expanding my 
own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of one 
who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many 
and so truly. 

''Thine imitator and friend, 

"Without change, 

"Anna Etherington. 

" To Sir John Goldenoalf, Bart. 

" P. S. — You may perceive that I am in a state of improve- 
ment, for I have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, be- 
cause I found I loved all his neighbors quite as well as I 
loved the young peer himself." 

Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the 
shape of so many demons of jealousy. Anna expanding her 
affections ! Anna taking any other stake in society than that 
I made sure she would accept through me ! Anna teaching 
herself to love more than one, and that one myself! The 
thought was madness. I did not believe in the sincerity of 
her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for a copy of the Peerage 
(for since my own elevation in life I regularly bought both 
that work and the Baronetage), and turned to the page that 
contained his name. He was a Scottish viscount who had 
just been created a baron of the united kingdom, and his 
age was precisely that of my own. Here was a rival to 



TIIEMONIKINS. 91 

excite distrust ! By a singular contradiction in sentiments, 
the more I dreaied his power to injure me, the more I un- 
dervalued his means. AVhile I fancied Anna was merely- 
playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to be 
a peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice was 
both ill-favored and awkward, and had cheekbones like a 
Tartar. While reading of the great antiquity of his family 
(which reached obscurity in the thirteenth century), I set 
it down as established that the first of his unknown prede- 
cessors was a bare-legged thief, and, at the very moment 
that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and retract- 
ing her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he 
spoke with an unintelligible border accent, and that he had 
red hair ! 

The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and 
I rushed into the open air for relief. How long or whither 
I wandered I know not; but on the morning of the fol- 
lowing day I found I was seated in a guinguette near the 
base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll and refresh- 
ing myself with sour wine. When a little recovered from 
the shock of discovering myself in a situation so novel 
(for having no investments in guinguetteSy I had not taken 
sufficient interest in these popular establishments ever 
to enter one before), I had leisure to look about and sur- 
vey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring 
classes were drinking on every side, and talking with a 
vehemence of gesticulation and a clamor that completely an- 
nihilated thought. This then, thought I, is a scene of popular 
happiness. These creatures are excellent fellows, enjoying 
themselves on liquor that has not paid the city duty ; and 
perhaps I may seize upon some point that favors my system 
among spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one 
among them is in possession of any important social secret 
it will not fail to escape him here. From meditations of 
this philosophical character I was suddenly aroused by a 



92 THE MO NIK INS. 

violent blow before me, accompanied witli an exclamation in 
very tolerable English of the word, 

" King !" 

On tlie centre of tlic board which did the office of a table, 
and directly beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful 
dimensions, that in color and protuberances bore a good 
deal of resemblance to a freshly unearthed Jerusalem arti- 
choke. Its sinews seemed to be cracking with tension, and 
the whole knob was so expressive of intense pugnacity that 
my eyes involuntarily sought its owmer's face. I had un- 
consciously taken my seat directly opposite a man whose 
stature was nearly double that of the compact, bustling, 
sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who were bawling on 
every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of joining 
in the noise, were so firmly compressed as to render the 
crevice of the mouth no more strongly marked than a 
wrinkle in the brow of a man of sixty. His complexion 
was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned the skin of his 
face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig ; those parts 
which a painter would be apt to term the "high lights" 
being indicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth- 
proof brandy. His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very 
gray ; and just at the instant they met my admiring look 
they resembled two stray coals that by some means had got 
separated from the body of adjacent heat in the face. He 
had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart which the skin 
was stretched like leather in the process of being rubbed 
down on the currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was 
carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in a way to 
show that he was abroad on a holiday excursion. 

When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me 
a nod of friendly recognition, for no better reason that I 
could discover than the fact that I did not appear to be a 
Frenchman. 

"Did mortal man ever listen to such fools, captain?'' 



THE MO NIK INS. 93 

he observed, as if certain we must think alike on tlie 
subject. 

" Really I did not attend to wbat was said ; there certainly 
is mucb noise." 

" I don't pretend to understand a word of wbat tliey arc 
saying, myself ; but it sounds like thorough nonsense." 

" My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense 
from nonsense by mere intonation and sound — but it would 
seem, sir, that you speak English only." 

" Therein you are mistaken ; for, being a great traveller, I 
have been compelled to look about me, and as a nat'ral con- 
sequence I speak a little of all languages. I do not say that 
I lise the foreign parts of speech always fundamentally, but 
then I worry through an idee so as to make it legible and of 
use, especially in the way of eating and drinking. As to 
French, now, I can say ^ don-nez-me some van^ and ^ don-nez- 
vous some 2^oin^ as well as the best of them ; but when there 
are a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these 
here chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape's 
Hill and hold a conversation with the people he will meet with 
there, as to pretend to hold a rational or a discussional dis- 
course. For my part, where there is to be a conversation, I 
like every one to have his turn, keeping up the talk, as it 
might be, watch and watch ; but among these Frenchmen it 
is pretty much as if their idees had been caged, and the door 
being suddenly opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the 
pleasure of saying they are at liberty." 

I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting 
being, his ratiocination being connected by regular links, 
and that he did not boost his philosophy on the leaping- 
stafF of impulse, like most of those who were sputtering, 
and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring lungs, in all cor- 
ners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore, that 
we should quit the place and walk into the road, where 
our discourse would be less disturbed, and consequently 



94 



THE MONIKINS. 



more satisfactory. Tlie proposal was well received, and we 
left the brawlers, walking by tbe outer boulevards toward 
my hotel in the Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs 
Ely sees. 



S)'h' 




TIIEMONIKINS. 95 



CHAPTER VII. 

TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS 
CONSEQUENCES. 

I SOON took an interest in my new acquaintance. He was 
communicative, shrewd, and peculiar ; and though apt to ex- 
press himself quaintly, it was always with the pith of one 
who had seen a great deal of at least one portion of his fellow 
creatures. The conversation, under such circumstances, did 
not flag ; on the contrary, it soon grew more interesting by 
the stranger's beginning to touch on his private interests. 
He told me that he was a mariner who had been cast ashore 
by one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way of put- 
ting in a word in his own favor, he gave me to understand 
that he had seen a great deal, more especially of that caste 
of his fellow-creatures who like himself live by frequenting 
the mighty deep. 

" I am very happy," I said, " to have met with a stranger 
who can give me information touching an entire class of 
human beings with whom I have as yet had but little com- 
munion. In order that we may improve the occasion to 
the utmost, I propose that we introduce ourselves to each 
other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or, at least, 
until we may find it convenient to dispense with the obli • 
gation." 

" For my part, I am one who like the friendship of a dog 
better than his enmity," returned my companion, with a sin- 
gleness of purpose that left him no disposition to waste his 
breath in idle compliments. " I accept the oflfer, therefore, 
vith all my heart ; and this the more readily because you 



96 THE MONIKINS. 

are the only one I have met for a week who can ask me how 
I do without saying, ''Come on, cong portez-vous.^ Being used 
to meet with squalls, however, I shall accept your offer under 
the last condition named." 

I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a proper care 
of character, and furnished a proof of responsibility. The 
condition was therefore accepted on my part as frankly as it 
had been urged on his. 

"And now, sir," I added, when we had shaken each other 
very cordially by the hand, "may I presume to ask your 
name ?" 

" I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows it. I am 
not ashamed of either of my names, whatever else I may be 
ashamed of" 

"Noah ?" 

•'* Poke, at your service." He pronounced the word slowly 
and very distinctly, as if what he had just said of his self- 
confidence were true. As I had afterward occasion to take 
his signature, I shall at once give it in the proper form — 
" Capt. Noah Poke." 

" Of what part of England are you a native, Mr. Poke ?" 

" I believe I may say of the new parts." 

"I do not know that any portion of the island was so 
designated. Will you have the good-nature to explain your- 
self?" 

" Pm a native of Stunin'tun, in the state of Connecticut, 
in old New England. My parents being dead, I was sent to 
sea a four-year-old, and here I am, walking about the king- 
dom of France without a cent in my pocket, a shipwrecked 
mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, Pd about as 
leave starve as live by speaking their d d lingo." 

" Shipwrecked — a mariner — starving — and a Yankee I" 

"All that, and may-be more, too; though, by your leave, 
commodore, we'll drop the last title. Pm proud enough to 
call myself a Yankee, but my back is apt to get up when I 



THE MONIKINS. 97 

hear an Englishman use the word. We are yet friends, and 
it may be well enough to continue so until some good comes 
of it to one or other of the parties." 

" I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not offend again. 
Have you circumnavigated the globe ?" 

Captain Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt of the 
simplicity of the question. 

" Has the moon ever sailed round the 'arth ! Look here, a 
moment, commodore" — he took from his pocket an apple, of 
which he had been munching half-a-dozen during the walk, and 
held it up to view — " draw your lines which way you will on 
this sphere ; crosswise or lengthwise, up or down, zig-zag or 
parpendic'lar, and you will not find more traverses than I've 
worked about the old ball ?" 

" By land as well as by sea ?" 

" Why, as to the land, I've had my share of that, too ; for 
it has been my hard fortune to run upon it, when a softer 
bed would have given a more quiet nap. This is just the 
present difficulty with me, for I am now tacking abo-ut among 
these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again, like an alligator 
floundering in the mud. I lost my schooner on the north- 
east coast of Kussia — somewhere hereabouts," pointing to 
the precise spot on the apple ; " we were up there trading 
in skins — and finding no means of reaching home by the 
road I'd come, and smelling salt water down hereaway, I've 
been shaping my course westward for the last eighteen 
months, steering as near as might be directly ath^s^art 
Europe and Asia ; and here I am at last within two days' 
run of Havre, which is, if I can get good Yankee planks 
beneath me once more, within some eighteen or twenty days' 
run of home." 

"You allow me, then, to call the planks Yankee?" 

" Call 'em what you please, commodore ; thougl I should 
prefar to call 'em the * Debby and Dolly of Stunin'tun,' to 
any thing else, for that was the name of the craft I lost. 
5 



98 THEMONIKINS. 

Well, the best of us are but frail, and tlie longest-winded 
man is no dolphin to swim with his head under water !" 

" Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you learned to 
speak the English language with so much purity ?" 

"Stunin'tun — I never had a mouthful of schooling but 
what I got at home. It's all homespun. I make no boast 
of scholarship ; but as for navigating, or for finding my way 
about the 'arth, I'll turn my back on no man, unless it be to 
leave him behind. Now we have people with us that think 
a great deal of their geometry and astronomies, but I hold 
to no such slender threads. My way is, when there is oc- 
(lasion to go anywhere, to settle it well in my mind as to the 
])lace, and then to make as straight a wake as natur' will 
allow, taking little account of charts, which are as apt to put 
you wrong as right ; and when they do get you into a scrape 
it's a smasher ! Depend on yourself and human natur', is 
my rule ; though I admit there is some accommodation in a 
compass, particularly in cold weather." 

"Cold weather! I do not well comprehend the dis- 
tinction." 

" Why, I rather conclude that one's scent gets to be dull- 
ish in a frost ; but this may be no more than a conceit after 
all, for the two times I've been wrecked were in summer, and 
both the accidents happened by sheer dint of hard blowing, 
and in broad .daylight, when nothing human short of a 
change of wind could have saved us." 

" And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation ?" 

" To all others, especially in the sealing-business, which is 
my raal occupation. It's the very best way in the world to 
discover islands ; and everybody knows that we sealers are 
always on the lookout for su'thin' of that sort." 

" Will you suffer me to inquire. Captain Poke, how many 
times you have doubled Cape Horn ?" 

My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at me, as if 
lie distrusted the nature of the question. 



THE MONIKINS. 99 

" Why, that is neither here nor there ; perhaps I don't 
double either of the capes, perhaps I do. I get into the 
South Sea with my craft, and it's of no great moment how- 
it's done. A skin is worth just as much in the market, 
though the furrier may not happen to have a glossary of the 
road it has travelled." 

" A glossary ?" 

"What matters a signification, commodore, when people 
understand each other ? This overland journey has put me 
to my wits, for you will understand that I've had to travel 
among natives that cannot speak a syllable of the homespun ; 
so I brought the schooner's dictionary with me as a sort of 
terrestrial almanac, and I fancied that, as they spoke gibber- 
ish to me, the best way was to give it to them back again as 
near as might be in their own coin, hoping I might hit on 
su'thin' to their liking. By this means I've come to be 
rather more voluble than formerly." 

" The idea was happy." 

"No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But having given 
you a pretty clear insight into my natur' and occupation, it 
is time that I ask a few questions of you. This is a busi- 
ness, you must know, at which we do a good deal at Stun- 
in' tun, and at which we are commonly thought to be handy." 

" Put your questions. Captain Poke ; I hope the answers 
will be satisfactory." 

"Your name?" 

"John Goldencalf — by the favor of his majesty. Sir John 
Goldencalf, Baronet." 

" Sir John Goldencalf — by the favor of his majesty, a 
baronet ! Is baronet a calling ? or what sort of a crittur or 
thing is it?" 

" It is my rank in the kingdom to which I belong." 

"I begin to understand what you mean. Among your 
nation mankind is what we call stationed, like a ship's people 
that are called to go about ; you have a certain berth in 



100 THE MONIKINS. 

that kingdom of yours, much as I should have in a seahng 
schooner." 

"Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that order, 
and propriety, and safety result from this method among 
mariners 2" 

"No doubt — no doubt, we station anew, however, each 
v'yage, according to experience ; I'm not so sure that it would 
do to take even the cook from father to son, or we might 
have a pretty mess of it." 

Here the sealer commenced a scries of questions, which he 
put with a vigor and perseverance that I fear left me without 
a single fact of my life unrevealed, except those connected 
with the sacred sentiment that bound me to Anna, and 
which were far too hallowed to escape me even under the 
ordeal of a Stunin'tun inquisitor. In short, finding that I 
was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit of neces- 
sity, and yielded up my secrets as wood in a vice discharges 
its moisture. It was scarcely possible that a mind like mine, 
subjected to the action of such a pair of moral screws, should 
not yield some hints touching its besetting propensities. 
The Captain seized this clew, and he went at the theory like 
a bull-dog at the muzzle of an ox. 

To oblige him, therefore, I entered at some length into an 
explanation of my system. After the general remarks that 
were necessary to give a stranger an insight into its leading 
principles, I gave him to understand that I had long been 
looking for one like him, for a purpose that shall now be ex- 
plained to the reader. I had entertained some negotiations 
with Tamahamaah, and had certain investments in the pearl 
and whale fisheries, it is true ; but on the whole my relations 
with all that portion of mankind who inhabit the islands of 
the Pacific, the north-west coast of America, and the north- 
east coast of the old continent, were rather loose, and gener- 
ally in an unsettled and vague condition ; and it appeared to 
me that I had been singularly favored in having a man so 



THE MONIKINS. 101 

well adapted to their regeneration tlirown as it were by 
Providence, and in a manner so unusual, directly in my way. 
I now frankly proposed, therefore, to fit out an expedition, . 
that should be partly of trade and partly of discovery, in 
order to expand my interests in this new direction, and to place 
my new acquaintance at its head. Ten minutes of earnest 
explanation on my part suJfficed to put my companion in 
possession of the leading features of the plan. When I had 
ended this direct appeal ta his love of enterprise, I was an- 
swered by the favorite exclamation of — 

"King!" 

" I do not wonder. Captain Poke, that your admiration 
breaks out in this manner; for I believe few men ftiirly enter 
into the b^uty of this benevolent system who are not struck 
equally with its grandeur and its simplicity. May I count 
on your assistance ?" 

" This is a new idee. Sir Goldencalf " 

" Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir." 

"A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circum- 
spection. Circumspection in a bargain is the certain way to 
steer clear of misunderstandings. You wish a navigator to 
take your craft, let her be what she will, into unknown seas, 
and I wish, naturally, to make a straight course for Stunin'- 
tun. You see the bargain is in apogee, from the start." 

" Money is no consideration with me, Captain Poke." 

"Well, this is an idee that has brought many a more 
difficult contract at once into perigee, Sir John Goldencalf. 
Money is always a considerable consideration with me, and I 
may say, also, just now it is rather more so than usual. But 
when a gentleman clears the way as handsomely as you have 
now done, any bargain may be counted as a good deal more 
than half made." 

A few explicit explanations disposed of this part of the 
subject, and Captain Poke accepted of my terms in the 
spirit of frankness with which they were made. Perhaps 



102 THE MONIKINS 

his decision was quickened by an offer of twenty Napoleons, 
wMcli I did not neglect making on the spot. Amicable and 
in some respects confidential relations were now established 
between my new acquaintance and myself; and we pursued 
our walk, discussing the details necessary to the execution of 
our project. After an bour or two passed in this manner, I 
invited my companion to go to my hotel, meaning that he 
should partake of my board until we could both depart for 
England, where it was my intention to purchase without 
delay a vessel for the contemplated voyage, in which I also 
had decided to embark in person. 

We were obliged to make our way through the throng 
that usually frequents the lower part of the Champs Elysees 
during the season of good weather and toward the close of 
the day. This task was nearly over when my attention was 
particularly drawn to a group that was just entering the 
place of general resort, apparently with the design of adding 
to the scene of thoughtlessness and amusement. But as I 
am now approaching the most material part of this extraor- 
dinary work, it will be proper to reserve the opening for a 
new chaoter. 



THE MONIKINS. 103 



CHAPTER VIIL 

AX INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF FHI- 
LOSOPHY, AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOilY. 

The group which drew my attention was composed of six 
individuals, two of which were animals of the genus liomo, or 
what is vulgarly termed man ; and the remainder were of 
the order primates, and of the class mammalia ; or what m 
common parlance are called monkeys. 

The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described 
as hoing ^umvashed, ragged, and carnivorous ; in color 
sivarthg ; in lineaments and expression avaricious and 
shrewd ; and in appetites voracious. The latter were of the 
common species, of the usual size, and of approved gravity. 
There were two of each sex; being very equally paired as to 
years and external advantages. 

The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the 
ordinary attire of our modern European civilization ; but 
peculiar care had been taken with the toilet of the senior of 
the two males. This individual had on the coat of a hussar, 
a cut that would have given a particular part of his body a 
more military contour than comported with his real character 
were it not for a red petticoat that was made shorter than 
common ; less, however, with a view to show a pretty foot 
and ankle than to leave the nether limbs at liberty to go 
through with certain extravagant efforts which the Savoyards 
were unmercifully exacting from his natural agility. He 
wore a Spanish hat, decorated with a few bedraggled 
feathers, a white cockade, and a wooden sword. In addition 
to the latter, he carried in his hand a small broom. 

Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this 



104 THE MO NIK INS. 

party, the ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a 
series of experiments in saltation, with the sole view, beyond 
a question, to profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive vic- 
tims of this act of brutal tyranny submitted with a patience 
worthy of the profoundest philosophy, meeting the wishes of 
their masters with a readiness and dexterity that was beyond 
all praise. One swept the earth, another leaped on the back 
of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels again and 
again without a murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to 
and fro, like a young girl in a quadrille. All this might 
have passed without calling for particular remark (since, 
alas ! the spectacle is only too common), were it not for cer- 
tain eloquent appeals that were made to me through the 
eyes by the individual in the hussar jacket. His look was 
rarely averted from my face for a moment, and in this way a 
silent communion was soon established between us. I ob- 
served that his gravity was indomitable. Nothing could 
elicit a smile or a change of countenance. Obedient to the 
whip of his brutal master, he never refused the required 
leap ; for minutes at a time his legs and petticoat described 
confused circles in the air, appearing to have taken a final 
leave of the earth ; but, the eff'ort ended, he invariably 
descended to the ground with a quiet dignity and composure 
that showed how little the inward monkey partook of the 
antics of the outward animal. Drawing my comjDanion a 
little aside, I ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on 
the subject. 

" Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great in- 
justice in the treatment of these poor creatures !" I said. 
" What right have these two foul-looking blackguards to 
Bcize upon beings much more interesting to the eye and, I 
dare say, far more intellectual than themselves, and cause 
them to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner, 
under the penalty of stripes, and without regard to their 
feelings or their convenience ? I say, sir, the measure ap- 



TIIEMONIKINS. 105 

pcai's to mc intolerably oppressive, and it calls fcr prompt 
redress." 

"King!" 

"King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of 
tlic act. What have these innocent beings done that they 
should be subjected to this disgrace? Are they not flesh 
and blood like ourselves — do they not approach nearer to 
our form and, for aught we know to the contrary, to our 
reason, than any other animal ? and is it tolerable that our 
nearest imitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt by ? 
Are they dogs that they are treated like dogs V 

"Why, to my notion. Sir John, there isn't a dog on 'artli 
that can take such a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite 
cxtraor'nary !" 

"Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppres- 
sive. Place yourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the 
situation of one of these persons ; fancy that you had a hus- 
sar jacket squeezed upon your brawny shoulders, a petticoat 
placed over your lower extremities, a Spanish hat with Be- 
draggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden sword stuck 
at your side, and a broom put into your hand ; and that 
these two Savoyards were to menace you with stripes un- 
less you consented to throw summersets for the amusement 
of strangers — I only ask you to make the case your own, sir, 
and then say what course you would take and what you 
would do?" 

" I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, 
without remorse, break the sword and broom over their 
heads, kick their sensibilities till they couldn't see, and take 
my course for Stunin'tun, where I belong." 

"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are 
young and feeble " 

* 'Twouldn't alter the case much if two of these French- 
men were in their places," put in the' Captain, glaring 
wolfishly about him. "To be plain with you. Sir John 



lOG THE MO NIK INS. 

Goldencalf, being liuman, I'd submit to no such monkey 
tricks." 

" Do not use tlie term reproaclifully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of 
you. We call these animals monkeys, it is true ; but we do 
not know what they call themselves. Man is merely an 
animal, and you must very well know " 

"Harkee, Sir John," interrupted the Captain, "I'm no 
botanist, and do not pretend to more schooling than a sealer 
has need of for finding his way about the 'arth ; but as for a 
man's being an animal, I just wish to ask you, now, if in 
your judgment a hog is also an animal ?" 

"Beyond a doubt — and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, 
and lizards, and water-devils — we are all neither more nor 
less than animals." 

"Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the 
relationship ; for in the course of my experience, which is 
not small, I have met with men that you might have mis- 
taken for hogs, in every thing but the bristles, the snout, and 
the tail. I'll never deny what I've seen with my own eyes, 
though I suffer for it ; and therefore I admit that, hogs being 
animals, it is more than likely that some men must be animals 
too." 

" We call these interesting beings monkeys ; but how do 
we know that they do not return the compliment, and call 
us, in their own particular dialect, something quite as offen- 
sive ? It would become our species to manifest a more equi- 
table and philosophical spirit, and to consider these interest- 
ing strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen into 
the hands of brutes, and which is in every way entitled to 
our commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto I 
have never sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the 
animal world by any investment in quadrupeds ; but it is my 
intention to write to-morrow to my English agent to pur- 
chase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud of horses ; and 
by way of quickening so laudable a resolution, I shall fortli* 



THE MONIKINS. 10*? 

with make propositions to the Savoyards for the speedy 
emancipation of this family of amiable foreigners. The 
slave-trade is an innocent pastime compared to the cruel op- 
pression that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular, 
is compelled to endure." 

" King !" 

"He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, 
Captain Poke ; a fact that would add tenfold agony to his 
unmerited sufferings." 

Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a nego- 
tiation with the Savoyards. The judicious application of a 
few Napoleons soon brought about a happy understanding 
betw^een the contracting j^arties, w^hen the Savoyards trans- 
ferred to my hands the strings which confined their vassals, 
as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right of 
ownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of 
Mr. Poke, I led the individual in the hussar jacket a little on 
one side, and raising my hat to show that I was superior to 
the vulgar feelings of feudal superiority, I addressed him 
briefly in the following words : 

" Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these 
Savoyards professed to have in your person and services, I 
seize an early occasion to inform you that virtually you are 
now free. As we are among a people accustomed to see 
your race in subjection, however, it may not be prudent to 
proclaim the nature of the present transaction, lest there 
might be some further conspiracies against your natural 
rights. We will retire to my hotel forthwith, therefore, 
where your future happiness shall be the subject of our more 
mature and of our united deliberations." 

The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me 
with inimitable gravity and self-command until, in tho 
warmth of feeling, I raised an arm in earnest gesticulation, 
when, most probably overcome by the emotions of delight 
that were naturally awakened in his bosom by this sudden 



108 THEMONIKINS. 

change in his fortune, he threw three summersets, or flap' 
jacks, as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolu- 
tions, in such rapid succession as to render it for a moment a 
matter of doubt whether nature had placed his head or his 
heels uppermost. 

Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my 
way directly to the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a 
constantly increasing crowd until the gate of the hotel was 
ftiirly entered; and glad was I to see my charge safely housed, 
for there were abundant indications of another design upon 
their rights in the taunts and ridicule of the living mass that 
rolled up as it were upon our heels. On reaching my own 
apartments, a courier who had been waiting my return, and 
who had just arrived express from England, put a packet into 
my hands, stating that it came from my principal English 
agent. Hasty orders were given to attend to the comfort 
and wants of Captain Poke and the strangers (orders that 
were in no danger of being neglected, since Sir John Golden- 
calf, with the reputed annual revenue of three millions of 
franks, had unlimited credit with all the inhabitants of the 
hotel), and I hurried into my cabinet and sat down to the 
eager perusal of the different communications. 

Alas ! there was not a line from Anna ! The obdurate 
girl still trifled with my misery ; and in revenge I enter- 
tained a momentary resolution of adopting the notions of 
Mahmoud, in order to qualify myself to set up a harem. 

The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embrac- 
ing many of those who were entrusted with the care of my 
interests in very opposite quarters of the world. Half an 
hour before I had been dying to open more intimate relations 
with the interesting strangers; but my thoughts instantly 
took a new direction, and I soon found that the painful 
sentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and 
happiness were quite lost in the newly awakened interests 
that lay before me. It is in this simple manner, no doubt, 



THE MONIKINS. 109 

tliat the system to which I am a convert effects no small part 
of its own great purposes. No sooner does any one interest 
grow painful by excess than a new claim arises to divert the 
thoughts, a new demand is made on the sensibilities ; and by 
lowering our affections from the intensity of selfishness to the 
more bland and equable feeling of impartiality, forms that 
just and generous condition of the mind at which the polit- 
ical economists aim when they dilate on the glories and ad- 
vantages of their favorite theory of the social stake. 

In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters 
with avidity, and with the godlike determination to rever- 
ence Providence and to do justice. Fiat justitia mat 
ccelum ! 

The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West 
India estate. He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes 
from the expected crop were destroyed by a hurricane, 
and he begged that I would furnish the means necessary to 
carry on the affairs of the plantation until another season 
might repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as a 
man of business, before I broke another seal a letter was 
written to a banker in London requesting him to supply tho 
necessary credits, and to notify the agents in the West 
Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member of par- 
liament, I seized the occasion also to press upon him the 
necessity of government's introducing some early measure 
for the protection of the sugar-growers, a most meritorious 
class of his fellow-subjects, and one whose exposures and 
actual losses called loudly for relief of this nature. As I 
closed the letter I could not help dwelling with complacency 
on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted — the 
certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments. 

The second communication was from the manager of an 
East India property, that very happily came with its oflferiug 
to fill the vacuum left by the failure of the crops just men- 
tioned. Sugar was likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and 



110 THE MONIKINS. 

my correspondent stated tliat the cost of transportation being 
so mucli greater than from the other colonies, this advantage 
would be entirely lost unless government did something to 
restore the East Indian to his natural equality. I enclosed 
this letter in one to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the 
ministry, asking him in the most laconic and pointed terms 
whether it were possible for the empire to prosper when one 
portion of it was left in possession of exclusive advantages, 
to the prejudice of all the others? As this question was put 
with a truly British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to 
open the eyes of his majesty's ministers; for much was 
shortly after said, both in the journals and in parliament, on 
the necessity of protecting our East Indian fellow-subjects, 
and of doing natural justice by establishing the national 
prosperity on the only firm basis, that of free trade. 

The next letter was from the acting partner of a large 
manufacturing house to which I had advanced quite half the 
capital, in order to enter into a sympathetic communion with 
the cotton-spinners. The writer complained heavily of the im- 
port duty on the raw material, made some poignant allusions 
to the increasing competition on the continent and in Amer- 
ica, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord of the manol* 
of Householder ought to make himself felt by the adminis- 
tration in a question of so much magnitude to the nation. 
On this hint I spake. I sat down on the spot and wrote a 
long letter to my friend Lord Pledge, in which I pointed out 
to him thejdanger that threatened our political economy; 
that we were imitating the false theories of the Americans 
(the countrymen of Captain Poke), that trade was clearly 
never so prosperous as when it was the most successful, that 
success depended on effort, and effort was the most efficient 
when the least encumbered, and in short that as it was self- 
evident a man would jump farther without being in foot- 
irons, or strike harder without being handcufi'ed, so it was 
equally apparent that a merchant would make a better bar- 



THE MONIKINS. <^ 111 

gam for liimself wlien he could have things all his o^Yn way 
than when his enterprise and industry were shackled by the 
impertinent and selfish interposition of the interests of 
others. In conclusion there was an eloquent description of 
the demoralizing consequences of smuggling, and a pungent 
attack on the tendencies of taxation in general. I have 
written and said some good things in my time, as several of 
my dependents have sworn to me in a way that even my 
natural modesty cannot repudiate ; but I shall be excused for 
the weakness if I noAv add that I believe this letter to Lord 
Pledge contained some as clever points as any thing I re- 
member in their way; the last paragraph in particular being 
positively the neatest and the best turned moral I ever pro- 
duced. 

Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder 
estate. He spoke of the difficulty of getting the rents ; a 
difficulty that he imputed altogether to the low price of 
corn. He said that it would soon be necessary to relet cer- 
tain farms ; and he feared that the unthinking cry against 
the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It was incumbent 
on the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular tenden- 
cies as respected this subject, for any material variation from 
the present system would lower the rental of all the grain- 
growing counties in England thirty per cent, at least at a blow, 
He concluded with a very hard rap at the agrarians, a party 
that was just coming a little into notice in Great Britain, and 
by a very ingenious turn, in which he completely demon- 
strated that the protection of the landlord and the support of 
the Protestant religion were indissolubly connected. There 
was also a vigorous appeal to the common sense of the sub 
ject on the danger to be apprehended by the people from 
themselves ; w^hich he treated in a way that, a little more 
expanded, would have made a delightful homily on the rights 
of man. 

I believe I meditated on the contents of this Icller fullv an 



112 , THE MONIKINS. 

liour. Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a 
fellow as ever breathed ; and I could not but admire the sur- 
prising knowledge of men which shone through every line 
he had indited. Something must be done it was clear ; and 
at length I determined to take the bull by the horns and to 
address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way of com- 
ing at the evil. lie was the political sponsor for all the new 
notions on the subject of our foreign mercantile policy ; and 
by laying before him in a strong point of view the fatal con- 
sequences of carrying his system to extremes, I hoped some- 
thing might yet be done for the owners of real estate, the 
bones and sinews of the land. 

I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent mc 
a very polite and a very statesman-like reply, in which he 
disclaimed any intention of meddhng improperly with British 
interests in any way ; that taxation was necessary to our sys- 
tem, and of course every nation was the best judge of its 
own means and resources ; but that he merely aimed at the 
establishment of just and generous principles, by which 
nations that had no occasion for British measures should not 
unhandsomely resort to them; and that certain external 
truths should stand, like so many well-constructed tubs, each 
on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased with this at- 
tention from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. Hus- 
kisson, and from that time I became a convert to most of his 
opinions. 

The next communication that I opened was from the over- 
seer of the estate in Louisiana, who informed me that the 
general aspect of things in that quarter of the world was 
favorable, but the smallpox had found its way among the 
negroes, and the business of the plantation would imme- 
diately require the services of fifteen able-bodied men, with 
the usual sprinkling of women and children. He added that 
the laws of America prohibited the further importation of 
blacks from any country without the limits of the Union, but 



TIIEMONIKINS. 113 

tliat there was a very pretty and profitable internal trade in 
the article, and that the supply might be obtained in suffi- 
cient season either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland. 
He admitted, however, that there was some choice between 
the difierent stocks of these several states, and that some 
discretion might be necessary in making the selection. The 
negro of the Carolinas was the most used to the cotton-field, 
had less occasion for clothes, and it had been proved by ex- 
periment could be fattened on red herrings; while, on the 
other hand, the negro farther north had the highest instinct, 
could sometimes reason, and that he had even been known to 
preach when he had got as high up as Philadelphia. lie 
much aff'ected, also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be 
well to purchase samples of lots from all the different stocks 
in market. 

In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the 
expediency of getting one or two of the higher castes 
from the north ; I had no objection to preaching provided 
they preached work; but I cautioned the overseer particu- 
larly against schismatics. Preaching, in the abstract, could 
do no harm ; all depending on doctrine. 

This advice was given as the result of much earnest ob- 
servation. Those European states that had the most obsti- 
nately resisted the introduction of letters, I had recently had 
occasion to remark were changing their systems, and were 
about to act on the principle of causing " fire to fight fire." 
They wore fast having recourse to school-books, using 
no other precaution than the simple expedient of writing 
them themselves. By this ingenious invention poison was 
converted into food, and truths of all classes were at once 
put above the dangers of disputations and heresies. 

naving disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned 
to the opening of the sixth seal. The letter was from the 
efficient trustee of a company to whose funds I had largely 
contributed, by way of making an investment in charity. It 



114 THE MONIKINS. 

had struck me, a short time previously to quitting home, that 
interests positive as most of those I had embarked in had a 
tendency to render the spirit worldly ; and I saw no other 
check to such an evil than by seeking for some association 
with the saints, in order to set up a balance against the dan- 
gerous propensity. A lucky occasion offered through the 
wants of the Philo-x\frican-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, 
whose meritorious efforts were about to cease for the want 
of the great charity-power — gold. A draft for five thousand 
pounds had obtained me the honor of being advertised as a 
shareholder and a patron ; and, I know not Avhy ! — ^but it 
certainly caused me to inquire into the results with far more 
interest than I had ever before felt in any similar institution. 
Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that principle in 
our nature which induces us to look after whatever has been 
our own as long as any part of it can be seen. 

The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti -compulsion- 
free-labor Society now wrote to state that some of the specu- 
lations which had gone pari passu with the charity had been 
successful, and that the shareholders were, by the funda- 
mental provisions of the association, entitled to a dividend, 
but — how often that awkward word stands between the cup 
and the lip ! — but that he was of opinion the establishment 
of a new factory near a point where the slavers most resorted, 
and where gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had 'in the 
greatest quantities, and consequently at the lowest prices, 
would equally benefit trade and philanthropy ; that by a 
judicious application of our means these two interests might 
be made to see-saw very cleverly, as cause and effect, 
effect and cause ; that the black man would be spared an in- 
calculable amount of misery, the white man a grievous bur- 
den of sin, and the particular agents of so manifest a good 
might quite reasonably calculate on making at the very least 
forty per cent, per annum on their money, beside having all 
their souls saved in the bargain. Of course I assented to a 



TIIEMONIKINS, 1J5 

proposition so reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits 
BO plausible ! 

The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial 
house in Spain in which I had taken some shares, and whose 
interests had been temporarily deranged by the throes of the 
people in their efforts to obtain redress for real or imaginary 
wrongs. My correspondent showed a proper inxlignation 01/ 
the occasion, and was not sparing in his language whenevei 
he was called to speak of popular tumults. " AVhat do the 
wretches wish !" he asked with much point — " Our lives as 
well as our property ? Ah ! my dear sir, this bitter fact im- 
presses us all (by us he meant the mercantile interests) with 
the importance of strong executives. Where should we have 
been but for the bayonets of the king? or what would have 
become of our altars, our firesides, and our persons, had it 
not pleased God to grant us a monarch mdomitable in will, 
brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote a proper an- 
swer of congratulation and turned to the next epistle, which 
was the last of the communications. 

The eighth letter was from the acting head of another com- 
mercial house in New York, United States of America, or 
the country of Captain Poke, where it would seem the 
president by a decided exercise of his authority had drawn 
upon himself the execrations of a large portion of the com- 
mercial interests of the country; since the effect of the 
measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate consequence or not, 
by hook or by crook, had been to render money scarce. 
There is no man so keen in his philippics, so acute in discov- 
ering and so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in Ids 
philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your debtor 
when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, com- 
fort, bones, sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on tile 
result ; and it is no wonder that, under so lively impressions, 
men who have hitherto been content to jog on in the regular 
and quiet habits of barter, should suddenly start up into 



116 THE MONIKINS. 

logicians, politicians, aye, or even into magicians. Sucli had 
been the case with my present correspondent, who seemed to 
know and to care as little in general of the polity of his own 
country as if he had never been in it, but who now was ready 
to split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not have 
written more complacently of the constitution if he had even 
read it. My limits will not allow an insertion of the whole 
letter, but one or two of its sentences shall be given. "Is it 
tolerable, my dear sir," he went on to say, " that the execu- 
tive of any country, I will not say merely of our own, should 
possess, or exercise, even admitting that he does possess 
them, such unheard of powers ? Our condition is worse than 
that of the Mussulmans, who in losing their money usually 
lose their heads, and are left in a happy insensibility to their 
sufferings : but, alas ! there is an end of the much boasted 
liberty of America ! The executive has swallowed up all the 
other branches of the government, and the next thing will 
be to swallow up us. Our altars, our firesides, and our per- 
sons will shortly be invaded ; and I much fear that my next 
letter will be received by you long after all correspondence 
shall be prohibited, every means of communication cut off, 
and we ourselves shall be precluded from writing, by being 
chained like beasts of burden to the car of a bloody tyrant." 
Then followed as pretty a string of epithets as I remember 
to have heard from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Bil- 
lingsgate. 

I could not but admire the virtue of the " social-stake sys- 
tem," which kept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let 
them live where they would, or under what form of govern- 
ment, which was so admirably suited to sustain truth and 
render us just. In reply I sent back epithet for epithet, 
echoed all the groans of my correspondent, and railed as 
became a man who was connected with a losing concern. 

This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose 
wearied with my labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their 



THE MO NIK INS. 



117 



fruits. It was now late, but excitement prevented sleep ; and 
before retiring for the night I could not help looking in upon 
my guests. Captain Poke had gone to a room in another 
part of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers were 
fast asleep in the antechamber. They hads upped heartily 
as I was assured, and were now indulging in a happy but 
temporary oblivion — to use an improved expression — of .ill 
their wrongs. Satisfied with this state of things, I now 
sought my own pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of 
Mr. Noah Poke, I also " turned in." 




-J^^y—S''— .-— 



118 TIIEMONIKINS, 



CHAPTER IX. 

THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, "WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTBAGB* 
BINARY ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH. 

I DARE say my head had been on the pillow fully an hoar 
before sleep closed my eyes. During this time I had abund- 
ant occasion to understand the activity of what are called 
the " busy thoughts." Mine were feverish, glowing, and rest- 
less. They wandered over a wide field ; one that included 
Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her womanly soft- 
ness, and her womanly cruelty ; Captain Poke and his pecul- 
iar opinions; the amiable family of quadrupeds and their 
wounded sensibilities; the excellences of the social-stake 
system ; and, in short, most of that which I had seen and 
heard during the last four-and-twenty hours. When sleep 
did tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment that I 
had inwardly vowed to forget my heartless mistress, and to 
devote the remainder of my life to the promulgation of the 
doctrine of the expansive-super-human-generalized-affection- 
principle, to the utter exclusion of all narrow and selfish 
views, and in which I resolved to associate myself with Mr. 
Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of this earth 
and its inhabitants, without narrowing down his sympathies 
in favor of any one place or person in particular, Stunin'tun 
and himself very properly excepted. 

It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following 
morning. My spirits were calmed by rest, and my nerves 
had been soothed by the balmy freshness of the atmosphere. 
It appeared that my valet had entered and admitted the 
mornino: air, and then had withdrawn as usual to await the 



THE MONIKINS. 



119 



signal of the bell before lie presumed to reappear. I lay 
many minutes in delicious repose, enjoying the periodical 
return of life and reason, bringing with it the pleasures of 
thought and its ten thousand agreeable associations. The 
delightful reverie into which I was insensibly dropping w^as, 
however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I 
thought, plaintive voices at no great distance from my own 
bed. Seating myself erect, I listened intently and with a 
good deal of surprise ; for it was not easy to imagine whence 
sounds so unusual for that place and hour, could proceed. 
The discourse was earnest and even animated; but it 
was carried on in so low a tone that it would have been 
utterly inaudible but for the deep quiet of the hotel. 
Occasionally a word reached my ear, and I was completely 
at fault in endeavoring to ascertain even the language. That 
it was in neither of the five great European tongues I was 
certain, for all these I either spoke or read; and there were 
particular sounds and inflexions that induced me to think that 
it savored of the most ancient of the two classics. It is true 
that the prosody of these dialects, at the same time that it is 
a shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very sounds 
of the vowels even being a matter of national convention ; 
the Latin word dux^ for instance, becoming ducks in England, 
dooJcs in Italy, and dukes in France: yet there is a ^je ne 
sais quoi,'' a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar 
that will rarely lead him astray when his ears are greeted 
with words that have been used by Demosthenes or Cicero.* 
In the present instance I distinctly heard the word my-hom- 
7/-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure was a verb in the 
dual number and second person, of a Greek root, but of a 
signification that I could not on the instant master, but which 
beyond a question every scholar will recognize as having 
a strong analogy to a well-know^n line in Homer. If I was 

* Or Cliichero, or Kickero, wliichever may happen to suit tlie prejudices of the 
reader. 



120 THE MONIKINS. 

puzzled with tlie syllables that accidentally reached me, I 
was no less perplexed with the intonations of the voices of 
the different speakers. While it was easy to understand 
they were of the two sexes, they had no direct affinity to the 
mumbling sibilations of the English, the vehement monotony 
of the French, the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, 
the noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting octaves of 
the Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heels enunciation 
of the countrymen of my particular acquaintance Captain 
Noah Poke. Of all the living languages of which I had any 
knowledge, the resemblance was nearer to the Danish and 
Swedish than to any other ; but I much doubted at the time 
I first heard the syllables, and still question, if there is ex- 
actly such a word as my-hom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be found 
in even either of those tongues. I could no longer support 
the suspense. The classical and learned doubts that beset 
me grew intensely painful; and arising with the greatest 
caution, in order not to alarm the speakers, I prepared to put 
an end to them all by the simple and natural process of 
actual observation. 

The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which 
was slightly open. Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrust- 
ing my feet into slippers, I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and 
placed my eye in such a situation as enabled me to command 
a view of the persons of those who were still earnestly talking 
in the adjoining room. All surprise vanished the moment I 
found that the four monkeys were grouped in a corner of the 
apartment, where they were carrying on a very animated 
dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male and a female) 
being the principal speakers. It was not to be expected that 
even a graduate of Oxford, although belonging to a sect so 
proverbial for classical lore that many of them knew nothing 
else, could at the first hearing decide upon the aiiailogies and 
character of a tongue that is so little cultivated even in that 
ancient seat of learning. Although I had now certainly a 



THE MONIKINS. 121 

direct clew to the root of the dialect of tlie speakers, I found 
it quite impossible to get any useful acquaintance with the 
general drift of what was passing among them. As they 
were my guests, however, and might possibly be in want 
of some of the conveniences that were necessary to their 
habits, or might even be suffering under still graver em- 
barrassments, I conceived it to be a duty to waive the or- 
dinary usages of society, and at once offer whatever it was 
in my power to bestow, at the risk of interrupting concern:', 
that they might possibly wish to consider private. Using 
the precaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as the best 
means of announcing my approach, the door was gently 
opened, and I presented myself to view. At first I was a 
little at a loss in what manner to address the strangers ; but 
believing that a people who spoke a language so difficult of 
utterance and so rich as that I had just heard, like those 
who use dialects derived from the Slavonian root, were most 
probably the masters of all others ; and remembering, more- 
over, that French was a medium of thought among all polite 
people, I determined to have recourse to that tongue. 

'•'■Messieurs et mesdames^^^ I said, inclining my body in 
sah\tation, ^^mille pardons pour cette intrusion peu con- 
venable'^ — but as I am writing in English it may be well 
to translate the speeches as I proceed ; although I abandon 
with regret the advantage of going through them literally, 
and in the appropriate dialect in which they were originally 
spoken. 

" Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body in sal- 
utation, " I ask a thousand pardons for this inopportune in- 
trusion on your retirement ; but overhearing a few of what 
I much fear are but too well-grounded complaints, touching 
the false position in which you are placed as the occupant of 
this apartment, and in that light your host, I have ventured 
to approach, w^ith no other desire than the wish that you 
would make me the repository of all your griefs, in order, if 
G 



122 THE MONIKINS. 

possible, tliat they may be repaired as soon as circumstances 
shall in any manner allow." 

The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my un- 
expected appearance, and at the substance of what I had just 
said. I observed that the two ladies were apparently in some 
slight degree even distressed, the younger turning her head 
on one side in maiden modesty, while the elder, a duenna 
sort of looking person, dropped her eyes to the floor, but 
succeeded in better maintaining her self-possession and gravity. 
The eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with digni- 
fied composure, after a moment of hesitation, and returning 
my salute by waving his tail with singular grace and decorum, 
he answered as follows. I may as well state in this place 
that he spoke the French about as well as an Englishman 
who has lived long enough on the continent to fancy he can 
travel in the provinces without being detected for a foreigner. 
Ate reste^ his accent was slightly Russian, and his enunciation 
whistling and harmonious. The females, especially in some 
of the lower keys of their voices, made sounds not unlike the 
sighing tones of the Eolian harp. It was really a pleasure to 
hear them ; but I have often had occasion to remark that, in 
every country but one, which I do not care to name, the lan- 
guage when uttered by the softer sex takes new charms, and 
is rendered more delightful to the ear. 

" Sir," said the stranger, when he had done waving his 
tail, "I should do great injustice to my feelings, and to the 
monikin character in general, were I to neglect expressing 
some small portion of the gratitude I feel on the present 
occasion. Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers and cap- 
tives, fortune has at length shed a ray of happiness on our 
miserable condition, and hope begins to shine through the 
cloud of our distress, like a passing gleam of the sun. From 
my very tail, sir, in my own name and in that of this excel- 
lent and most prudent matron, and in those of these two 
noblo and youthful lovers, I thank you. Yes! honorable 



THE MONIKINS. 123 

and humane being of the genus homoy species AnglicuSy we 
all return our most tail-felt acknowledgments of your good- 
ness ?" 

Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in 
question over their heads, touching their receding foreheads 
with the several tips, and bowed. I would have given ten 
thousand pounds at that moment to have had a good invest- 
ment in tails, in order to emulate their form of courtesy ; but 
naked, shorn, and destitute as I was, with a feeling of humil- 
ity I was obliged to put my head a little on one shoulder and 
give the ordinary English bob, in return for their more elab- 
orate politeness. 

"If I were merely to say, sir," I continued, when the 
opening salutations were thus properly exchanged, " that I 
am charmed at this accidental interview, the word would 
prove very insufficient to express my delight. Consider this 
hotel as your own; its domestics as your domestics; its 
stores of condiments as your stores of condiments, and its 
nominal tenant as your most humble servant and friend. I 
have been greatly shocked at the indignities to which you 
have hitherto been exposed, and now promise you liberty, 
kindness, and all those attentions to which it is very appar- 
ent you are fully entitled by your birth, breeding, and the 
delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate myself a thou- 
sand times for having been so fortunate as to make your ac- 
quaintance. My greatest desire has always been to stimulate 
the sympathies ; but until to-day various accidents have con- 
fined the cultivation of this heaven-born property in a great 
measure to my own species ; I now look forward, however, 
to a dalicious career of new-born interests in the whole of 
the animal creation, I need scarcely say in that of quadrupeds 
of your family in particular." 

" Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, 
is a question that has a good deal embarrassed our own 
savans,''^ returned the stranger. "There is an ambiguity in 



124 T II E M N I K I N S. 

our physical action tliat renders the point a little questiona- 
ble ; and therefore, I think, the higher castes of our natural 
philosophers rather prefer classing the entire monikin species, 
with all its varieties, as caudsc-jactans, or tail-wavers ; adopt- 
ing the term from the nobler part of the animal formation. 
Is not this the better opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?" 
he asked, turning to the youth, who stood respectfully at his 
side. 

" Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classifica- 
tion sanctioned by the academy," the young noble replied, 
with a readiness that proved him to be both well-informed 
and intelligent, and at the same time with a reserve of man- 
ner that did equal credit to his modesty and breeding. "The 
question of whether we are or are not bipeds has greatly 
agitated the schools for more than three centuries." 

"The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily rejoined, 
" my dear sir, reminds me that we are but half acquainted 
with each other. Permit me to waive ceremony, and to an- 
nounce myself at once as Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet, of 
Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, a poor 
admirer of excellence wherever it is to be found, or under 
whatever form, and a devotee of the system of the ' social- 
stake.' " 

" I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal 
introduction. Sir John. In return I beg you will suffer me to 
say that this young nobleman is, in our own dialect, No. C, 
purple ; or, to translate the appellation, my Lord Chatterino. 
This young lady is No. 4, violet, or, my Lady Chatterissa. 
This excellent and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet, 
or. Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her appellation also 
into the English tongue ; and that I am No. 22,817, brown- 
study color, or, Dr. Reasono, to give you a literal significa- 
tion of my name — a poor disciple of the philosophers of 
our race, an LL. D., and a F. U. D. G. E., the travelling tutor 
of this heir of one of the most illustrious and the most an- 



THE MO NIK INS. 125 

cient bouses of the island of Leapliigli, in tlic monikin section 
of mortality." 

" Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, tbat falls from your 
revered lips only wbets curiosity and adds fuel to tbe flame 
of desire, tempting me to inquire further into your private 
bistory, your future intentions, tbe polity of your species, 
and all tbose interesting topics tbat will readily suggest 
tliemselvcs to one of your quick apprehension and extensive 
acquirements. I dread being thought indiscreet; and yet, 
putting yourself in my position, I trust you will overlook a 
wish so natural and so ardent." 

"Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would 
aflford me greater satisfaction than to answer any and every 
inquiry you may be disposed to make." 

" Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer 
me to ask at once an explanation of the system of enumera- 
tion by which you indicate individuals ? You are called No. 
22,817, brown-study color " 

" Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will 
perhaps understand me better if I refer to a recent practice 
of the new London police. You may have observed that 
the men wear letters in red or white, and numbers on the 
capes of their coats. By the letters the passenger can refer 
to the company of the oflScer, while the number indicates 
the individual. Now, the idea of this improvement came, I 
make no doubt, from our system, under which society is 
divided into castes, for the sake of harmony and subordina- 
tion, and these castes are designated by colors and shades of 
colors that are significant of their stations and pursuits — the 
individual, as in the new police, being known by the number. 
Our own language being exceedingly sententious, is capable 
of expressing the most elaborate of these combinations in a 
very few sounds. I should add that there is no difference in 
the manner of distinguishing the sexes, with the exception 
that each is numbered apart, and each has a counterpart 



12G THE MONIKINS. 

color to tliat of the same caste in the other sex. Tims pur- 
ple and violet are both noble, the former being masculine and 
the latter feminine, and russet being the counterpart of 
brown-study color." 

" And — excuse my natural ardor to know more — and do 
you bear these numbers and colors marked on your attire in 
your own region ?" 

"As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly im- 
proved, mentally and physically, to need any. It is known 
that in all cases extremes meet. The savage is nearer to 
natm'c than the merely civilized being, and the creature that 
has passed the mystifications of a middle state of improve- 
ment finds himself again approaching nearer to the habits, 
the wishes, and the opinions of our common mother. As 
the real gentleman is more simple in manners than the dis- 
tant imitator of his deportment ; as fashions and habits are 
always more exaggerated in provincial towns than in polished 
capitals ; or as the profound philosopher has less pretensions 
than the tyro, so does our common genus, as it draws nearer 
to the consummation of its destiny and its highest attain- 
ments, learn to reject the most valued usages of the middle 
condition, and to return with ardor toward nature as to a first 
love. It is on this principle, sir, that the monikin family 
never wear clothes." 

" I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested 
some embarrassment ever since I entered — is it possible that 
their delicacy has taken the alarm at the state of my toilet ?" 

"At the toilet itself. Sir John, rather than at its state, if I 
must speak plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with 
us from infancy upward in the habits and usages of nature, 
is shocked by any departure from her rules. You will know 
how to make allowances for the squeamishness of the sex, for 
I believe it is much alike in this particular, let it come from 
what quarter of the earth it may." 

" I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my 



THE MONIKINS. 127 

ignorance, Dr. Reasono. Before I ask another question tlie 
oversight shall be repaired. I must retire into my own 
chamber for an instant, gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you 
will find such sources of amusement as first off"er until I can 
return. There are nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar is 
usually kept on that table, and perhaps the ladies might find 
some relaxation by exercising themselves on the chairs. In 
a single moment I shall be with you again." 

Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to 
lay aside the dressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remem- 
bering, however, that I was but too liable to colds in the 
head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono to step in where I was 
for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty, this excellent 
person assumed the office of preparing his female friends to 
overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the night- 
cap and slippers. 

"The ladies would think nothing of it," the philosopher 
good-humoredly remarked, by way of lessening my regrets 
at having wounded their sensibilities, "were you even to 
appear in a military cloak and Hessian boots, provided it 
was not thought that you were of their acquaintance and in 
their immediate society. I think you must have often re- 
marked among the sex of your own species, who are fre- 
quently quite indifferent to nudities (their prejudices run- 
ning counter to ours) that appear in the streets, but which 
would cause them instantly to run out of the room when ex- 
hibited in the person of an acquaintance ; these conventional 
usides being tolerated everywhere by a judicious concession 
of punctilios that might otherwise become insupportable." 

" The distinction is too reasonable to require another word 
of explanation, dear sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since 
I am at length in some degree fit to be seen." 

I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an 
approving smile from the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mis- 
tress Lynx no longer kept her eyes riveted on the floor, 



128 TIIEMONIKINS. 

but bent tliem on me witli looks of admiration and grati 
tude. 

" Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle,'' 
I resumed, "permit me to continue those inquiries which 
you have hitherto answered with so much amenity and so 
satisfactorily. As you have no clothes, in what manner is 
the parallel between your usage and that of the new London 
police practically completed?" 

"Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are 
never violated with impunity, but who is as beneficent as she 
is absolute, has furnished us with a downy covering to sup- 
ply their places wherever clothes are needed for comfort. 
We have coats that defy fashions, require wo tailors, and 
never lose their naps. But it would be inconvenient to be 
totally clad in this manner ; and, therefore, the palms of the 
hands are, as you see, ungloved ; the portions of the frame 
on which we seat ourselves are left uncovered, most probably 
lest some inconvenience should arise from taking accidental 
and unfavorable positions. This is the part of the monikin 
frame the best adapted for receiving paint, and the numbers 
of which I have spoken are periodically renewed there, at pub- 
lic offices appointed for that purpose. Our characters are so 
minute as to escape the human eye ; but by using that opera- 
glass, I make no doubt that you may still see some of my own 
enregistration, although, alas ! unusual friction, great misery, 
and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have nearly un-monikined 
me in this, as well as in various other particulars.^' 

As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and 
lo use his tail like the index of a black-board, by aid of the 
glass I very distinctly traced the figures to which he allud- 
ed. Instead of being in paint, however, as he had given me 
reason to anticipate, they seemed to be branded, or burnt in, 
indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves and negroes. 
On mentioning the fact to the philosopher, it was explained 
with his usual facility and politeness. 



THEMONIKINS. 129 

" You are quite riglit, sir," lie said ; " the omission of 
paint was to prevent tautology, an oflfence against the sim- 
plicity of tlie monikin dialect, as well as against monikin 
taste, that would have been sufficient, under our opinions, 
even to overturn the government." ' 

" Tautology !" 

" Tautology, Sir John ; on examining the background of the 
pi3ture, you will perceive that it is already of a dusky, som- 
bre hue ; now, this being of a meditative and grave charac- 
ter, has been denominated by our academy the ' brown-study 
color ;' and it would clearly have been supererogatory to lay 
the same tint upon it. No, sir ; we avoid repetitions even 
in our jH'ayers, deeming them to be so many proofs of an 
illogical and of an anti-consecutive mind. 

" The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each 
moment. You enjoy the advantage, for instance, under this 
mode of enumeration, of knowing your acquaintances from 
behind, quite as well as if you met them face to face !" 

" The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and an 
observant mind ; but it does not quite reach the motive of 
the politico-numerical-identity system of which we are speak- 
ing. The objects of this arrangement are altogether of a 
higher and more useful nature ; nor do we usually recognize 
our friends by their countenances, which at the best are no 
more than so many false signals, but by their tails." 

" This is admirable ! AVhat a facility you possess for 
recognizing an acquaintance who may happen to be up a 
tree ! But may I presume to inquire. Dr. Reasono, what are 
the most approved of the advantages of the politico-numeri 
cal-identity system ? For impatience is devouring my vitals." 

" They are connected with the interests of government. 
You know, sir, that society is established for the purposes of 
governments, and governments, themselves, mainly to facili- 
tate contributions and taxations. Now, by the numerical 
system, we have every opportunity of including the whole 



130 THE M ON IKINS. 

monikin race in tlio collections, as they arc periodically 
checked off by their numbers. The idea Avas a happy 
thought of an eminent statician of ours, who gained great 
credit at court by the invention, and, in fact, who was admit- 
ted to the academy in consequence of its ingenuity." 

" Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor," put in Lord 
Chatterino, always with the modesty, and perhaps I might 
add, with the generosity of youth, " that there are some 
among us who deny that society was made for governments, 
and who maintain that governments were made for society ; 
or, in other words, for monikins." 

" Mere theorists, my good lord ; and their opinions, even 
if true, are never practised on. Practice is every thing in 
political matters ; and theories are of no use, except as they 
confirm practice." 

" Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried, " and I 
make no doubt that the classification into colors, or castes, 
enables the authorities to commence the imposts with the 
richest, or the 'purples.' " 

" Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at 
the summit ; it seeks the base of the edifice ; and as contri- 
butions are the walls of society, we commence with the bot- 
tom. When you shall know us better, Sir John Goldencalf, 
you will begin to comprehend the beauty and benevolence 
of the entire monikin economy." 

I now adverted to the frequent use of this word "monikin ;" 
and, admitting my ignorance, desired an explanation of the 
term, as well as a more general insight into the origin, his- 
tory, hopes, and polity of the interesting strangers ; if they 
can be so called who were already so well known to me. Dr. 
Reasono admitted that the request was natural and was enti- 
tled to respect ; but he delicately suggested the necessity of 
sustaining the animal function by nutriment, intimating that 
the ladies had supped but in an indiff'erent way the evening 
before, and acknowledging that, philosopher as he -was, ho 



THE MONIKINS. lol 

sliould go tlirougli the desired explanations after improving 
the slight acquaintance he had ah-eady made with certain 
condiments in one of the armoires, with far more zeal and 
point, than could possibly be done in the present state of his 
appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible that there 
was no resisting it ; and, suppressing my curiosity as w^ell as 
[ could, the bell was rmig. I retired to my bed-chamber to 
resume so much of my attire as was necessary to the semi- 
civilization of man, and then the necessary orders were given 
to the domestics, who, by the way, were suffered to remain 
under the influence of those ordinary and vulgar prejudices 
that are pretty generally entertained by the human, against 
the monikin family. 

Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, 
however, I took him aside, and stated that I had an acquaint- 
ance in the hotel, a person of singular philosophy, after the 
human fashion, and a great traveller ; an(;l that I desired per- 
mission to let him into the secret of our intended lecture on 
the monikin economy, and to bring him with, me as an audi- 
tor. To this request, No. 22,81'7, brown-study color, or Dr. 
Reasono, gave a very cordial assent ; hinting delicately, at 
the same time, his expectation that this new auditor, who, 
of course, was no other than Captain Noah Poke, would not 
deem it disparaging to his manhood, to consult the sensibili- 
ties of the ladies, by appearing in the garments of that only 
decent and respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this 
suggestion I gave a ready approval; when each w^ent his 
way, after the usual salutations of bowing and tail-waving, 
with a mutual promise of being punctual to the appointment 



132 THE MONIKINS. 



CHAPTER X. 

A GREiT DEAL OP NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS 28 
COMPLETELY SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OP 
A TERY SECONDARY QUALITY. 

Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that liad passea, 
witli a very sedate gravity. He informed me that lie had 
witnessed so much ingenuity among the seals, and had known 
so many brutes that seemed to have the sagacity of men, 
and so many men who appeared to have the stupidity of 
brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in believing every 
word I told him. He expressed his satisfaction, too, at the 
prospect of hearing a lecture on natural philosophy and po- 
litical economy from the lips of a monkey ; although he took 
occasion to intimate that no desire to learn any thing lay at 
the bottom of his compliance ; for, in his country, these 
matters were pretty generally studied in the district schools, 
the very children who ran about the streets of ' Stunin'tuii' 
usually knowing more than most of the old people in foreign 
parts. " Still a monkey might have some new ideas ; and 
for his part, he was willing to hear what every one had to 
say ; for, if a man did'nt put in a word for himself, in this 
world, he might be certain no one else would take the pains 
to speak for him." But when I came to mention the details 
of the programme of the forthcoming interview, and stated 
that it was expected the audience would wear their own 
skins, out of respect to the ladies, I greatly feared that my 
friend would have so far excited himself as to go into fits. 
The rough old sealer swore some terrible oaths, protesting 
'that he would not make a monkey of himself, by appear- 



THE MONIKINS. 133 

iiig iu tliis garb, for all the monikin philosoj^liers, or liigli- 
born females, that could be stowed in a ship's hold ; that he 
was very liable to take cold ; that he once knew a man who 
undertook to play beast in this manner, and the first thing 
the poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail sprouting 
out of him ; a circumstance that he had always attributed to 
a just judgment for striving, to make himself more than 
Providence had intended him for ; that, provided a man's 
cars were naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole 
body was naked ; that he did not complain of the monkeys 
going in their skins, and that they ought, in reason, not to 
meddle with his clothes ; that he should be scratching him- 
self the whole time, and thinking what a miserable figure he 
cut ; that he would have no place to keep his tobacco ; that 
he was apt to be deaf when he was cold ; that he would bo 

d d if he did any such thing ; that human natur' and 

monkey natur' were not the same, and it was not to be 
expected that men and monkeys should follow exactly the 
same fashions ; that the meeting would have the appearance 
of a boxing match, instead of a philosophical lecture ; that 
he never heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun ; that he should 
feel sneaking at seeing his own shins in the presence of 
ladies ; that a ship always made better weather under some 
canvas than under bare poles; that he might - possibly be 
brought to his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up 
these, he would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor off 
his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore ; that flesh 
and blood were flesh and blood, and they liked their com- 
fort ; that he should think the whole time he was about to 
go in a swimming, and should be looking about for a good 
place to dive;" together with a great many more similai 
objections, that have escaped me in the multitude of thingi' 
of greater interest which have since occupied my time. 1 
have frequently had occasion to observe, that, when a man 
has one good, solid rcx^son for his decision, it is no easy mat>- 



134 T II E M O N I K I N S. 

tcr to shake it ; but, that he who has a great many, usually 
liuds them of far less account in the struggle of opinions. 
Such proved to be the fact with Captain Poke on the present 
occasion. I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, 
one by one, until I got him reduced to the shirt, where, like 
a stout ship that is easily brought to her bearings by the 
breeze, he "stuck and hung" in a manner to manifest it 
would require a heavy strain to bring him down any lower. 
A lucky thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There 
were a couple of good large bison-skins among my effects, 
and on suggesting to Dr. Reasono the expediency of encasing 
Captain Poke in the folds of one of them, the philosopher 
cheerfully assented, observing that any object of a natural 
and simple formation was agreeable to the monikin senses ; 
their objections were merely to the deformities of art, which 
they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On 
this explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the 
infancy of the new civilization, it would be very agreeable to 
my ancient habits, could I be permitted to use one of the 
skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupied the other. Not the 
slightest objection was raised to the proposal, and measures 
were immediately taken to prepare us to appear in good 
company. Soon after I received from Dr. Reasono a 2yrotocol 
of the conditions that were to regulate the approaching 
interview. This document was written in Latin, out of 
respect to the ancients, and as I afterward understood, it 
was drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had been educat- 
ed for the diplomatic career at home, previously to the acci- 
dent which had thrown him, alas ! into human hands. I 
translate it freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who usually 
prefer their own tongues to any others. 

Protocol of an interview that is to take place between 
Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of ' Householder Hall, in the 
kingdom of Great Britain, and No. 22,817, brown-studj 



THEMONIKINS. 135 

color, or Socrates Ileasono, F. U. D. G. E., Professoi of Prob- 
abilities in tlie University of Monikinia, and in the kingdom 
of Leapliigli : 

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. : 

Article 1. That there shall be an interview. 

Art. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable inter- 
view, and not a belligerent interview. 

Art. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explana- 
tory, and discursory. 

Art. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall 
have the privilege of speaking most, and Sir John Golden- 
calf the privilege of hearing most. 

Art. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege 
of asking questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of an- 
swering them. 

Art. 6. That a due regard shall l)e had to both human and 
monikin prejudices and sensibiHties. 

Art. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may 
accompany him, shall smooth their coats, and otherwise dis- 
pose of their natural vestments, in a way that shall be as 
agreeable as possible to Sir John Goldencalf and his friend. 

Art. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may 
accompany him, shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other 
clothing, in order to render themselves as agreeable as possi- 
ble to Dr. Reasono and his friends. 

Art. 9. That the conditions of this j^^'otocol shall be re- 
spected. 

Art. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol 
shall be interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both 
parties. 

Art. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the 
prejudice of cither the human or the monikin dialect, by the 
adoption of the Latin language on this occasion. 



13G THE MONIKINS. 

Deliglitecl with tliis proof of attention on tlie part of niy 
Lord Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young 
nobleman, and then seriously set about preparing myself, 
with an increased scrupulousness, for the fulfilment of the 
smallest condition of the compact. Captain Poke Avas soon 
ready, and I must say that he looked more like a quadruped 
on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human being. As 
for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became my 
station and charzicter. 

At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, 
Lord Chatterino appearing with a copy of the inotocol in his 
hand. This instrument was formally read, by the young 
peer, in a very creditable manner, when a silence ensued, as 
if to invite comment. I know not how it is, but I never yet 
heard the positive stipulations of any bargain, that I did not 
feel a propensity to look out for weak places in them. I had 
begun to see that the discussion might lead to argument, 
argument to comparisons between the two species, and 
something like an esiorit de corps was stirring within me. It 
now struck me that a question might be fairly raised as to 
the propriety of Dr. Reasono's appearing with three backers, 
while I had but one. The objection was therefore urged on 
my part, I hope, in a modest and conciliatory manner. In 
reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it was true the protocol 
spoke in general terms of mutual supporters, but if — 

" Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of -referring 
to the instrument itself, he would see that the backers of 
Dr. Reasono were mentioned in the plural number, while 
that of Sir John himself was alluded to only in the singular 
number." 

" Perfectly true, my lord ; but you will, however, permit 
me to remark, that two monikins w^ould completely fulfil the 
conditions in favor of Dr. Reasono, while he appears here 
with three; there certainly must be some limits to this 
plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to attend 



THE MONIKINS. ' 137 

the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of Leap- 
high." 

" The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the 
last degree to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Golden- 
calf ; but, among monikins, two females are deemed equal to 
only one male, in the eye of the law. Thus, in cases which 
require two witnesses, as in conveyances of real estate, two 
male monikins are sufficient, w^hereas it would be necessary 
to have four female signatures, in order to give the instru- 
ment validity. In the legal sense, therefore, I conceive that 
Dr. Reasono is attended by only tivo monikins. 

Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in 
the law of Leaphigh w^as a good one ; for he often had occa- 
sion to remark that Avomen, quite half the time, did not 
know what they were about ; and he thought, in general, 
that they require more ballast than men. 

"This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I 
answered, " were the 2^^'otocol purely a monikin document, and 
this assembly purely a monikin assembly. But the facts are 
notoriously otherwise. The document is drawn up in a com- 
mon vehicle of thought among scholars, and I gladly seize 
the opportunity to add, that I do not remember to have seen 
a better specimen of modern latinity." 

" It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, 
waving his tail in acknowledgment of the compliment, 
" that the protocol itself is in a language that has now become 
common property ; but the mere medium of thought, on 
such occasions, is of no great moment, provided it is neutral 
as respects the contracting parties ; moreover, in this particu- 
lar ease, article 11th of the iirotocol contains a stipulation 
that no legal consequences w^hatever are to follow the use of 
the Latin language ; a stipulation that leaves the contracting 
parties in possession of their original rights. Now, as the 
lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given by a monikin phi- 
losopher, and on monikin grounds, I humbly urge that it 



138 THE MONI KINS. 

is proper tlic interview should generally be conducted on 
monikin principles." 

" If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (wliicli 
I have a right to assume, since the greater necessarily in- 
cludes the less), I beg leave to remind your lordship, that, 
the parties are, at this moment, in a neutral country, and 
that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorial juris- 
diction, or the rights of the flag, these claims must be ad- 
mitted to be human, since the locataire of this apartment is 
a man, in control of the locus in quo^ and ^?ro hac vice, the 
suzerain." 

" Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, 
Sir John, and I beg leave to amend my plea. — All I mean is, 
that the leading consideration in this interview, is a monikin 
interest — that wc are met to propound, explain, digest, an- 
imadvert on, and embellish a monikin theme — that the acces- 
sory must be secondary to the principal — that the lesser 
must merge, not in your sense, but in my sense, in the 
greater — and, by consequence, that " 

"You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I 
hold " 

" Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to 
be excused if I say " 

" One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order 
that " 

"A thousand, very cheerfully. Sir John, but " 

" My Lord Chatterino !" 

"Sir John Goldencalf!" 

Hereupon we both began talking at the same timt, the 
noble young monikin gradually narrowing down the direction 
of his observations to the single person of Mrs. Vigilance 
Lynx, who, I afterward had occasion to know, was an excel- 
lent listener ; and I, in my turn, after wandering from eye to 
eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was especially 
addressed t :> the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My 



THE M ONI KINS. 139 

auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the bison's 
skin, and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a 
proper degree of human and clannish spirit. Wc might 
possibly have harangued in this desultory manner, to the 
present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, 
with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, by 
placing her pretty ^a^ife on the mouth of the young noble- 
man, effectually checked his volubility. When a horse 
is running away, he usually comes to a dead stop, after 
driving through lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment 
he finds himself master of his own movements, in an open 
field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find myself in 
sole possession of the argument, than I brought it to a close. 
Dr. Reasono improved the pause, to introduce a proposition 
that, the experiment already made by myself and Lord Chat- 
terino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should re- 
tire and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new ]jro- 
gramme of the proceedings. This happy thought suddenly 
restored peace ; and, while the two negotiators were absent, 
I improved the opportunity to become better acquainted 
with the lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord 
Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, who 
could turn from a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, 
to the most bland and winning courtesy, was foremost in 
promoting my wishes, inducing his charming mistress to 
throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to enter, 
at once, into a free and friendly discourse. 

Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned ; 
for it appears that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, 
as he subsequently explained it himself, a " Stunin'tun princi- 
ple," Captain Poke conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to 
dispute every proposition which came from the other party. 
This difficulty would probably have proved insuperable, had 
not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of a frank and liberal 
proposal to leave every other article, without reserve, to the 



140 T II E M N I K I N S . 

sole dictation of liis colleague, reserving to himself the same 
privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well assured that 
the philosopher was no lawyer, assented ; and the affair, once 
begun in this spirit of concession^ was soon brought to a 
close. And here I would recommend this happy expedient 
to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties, since 
it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves 
as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode 
that has yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as fol- 
lows, it having been written, in duplicate, in English and in 
Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of one of the 
negotiators gave it very much the character of a capitulation. 

Protocol of an interview, &c., &c., &c. 

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. : 

Article 1. There shall be an interview. 

Art. 2. Agreed ; provided all the parties can come and go 
at pleasure. 

Art. 3. The said interview shall be conducted generally, 
on philosophical and liberal principles. 

Art. 4. Agreed ; provided tobacco may be used at dis- 
cretion. 

Art. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of pro- 
pounding questions, and either party the privilege of answer- 
ing them. 

Art. 6. Agreed ; provided no one need listen, or no one 
talk, unless so disposed. 

Art. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to 
the abstract rules of propriety and decorum. 

Art. 8. Agreed ; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, 
from time to time, according to the state of the weather. 

Art. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly 
respected. 

Art. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by 
lawyers. 



THE MONIKINS. 141 

Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective 
documents like two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the 
means of maintaining the opinions we had before advanced, 
and which we had both shown so much cleverness in sup- 
porting. 

" Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance 
of any monikins at all at this interview !" 

" The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that 
all may come and go who may be so disposed." 

" Your pardon, my lord ; article 8 contains a direct allu- 
sion to bison-skins in the ^:>ZwmZ, and under circumstances 
from which it follows, by a just deduction, that it was con- 
templated that more than one wearer of the said skins should 
be present at the said interview." 

" Perfectly just. Sir John ; but you will suffer me to ob- 
serve that by article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be 
an interview ; and by article 3, it is furthermore agreed that 
the said interview shall be conducted * on 'philosophical and 
liberal principles ;' now, it need scarcely be urged, good 
Sir John, that it would be the extreme of illiherality to 
deny to one party any privilege that was possessed by the 
other." 

" Perfectly just, my lord, were this an aflfair of mere 
courtesy; but legal constructions must be made on legal 
principles, or else, as jurists and diplomatists, we are all 
afloat on the illimitable ocean of conjecture." 

"And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that *no advan- 
tage shall be taken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 
and 10 profoundly and in conjunction, w^e learn that it was 
the intention of the negotiators to spread the mantle of liber- 
ality, apart from all the subtitles and devices of mere legal 
practitioners, over the whole proceedings. Permit me, in 
corroboration of what is now urged, to appeal to the voices 
of those who framed the very conditions about which we 
Did you^ sir," continued my Lord Chat- 



142 THE MONIKINS. 

teriiio, turning to Captain Poke, witli empliasis and dignity ; 
" did you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated article 10 — 
did you deem that you were publishing authority of which 
the lawyers could take advantage ?" 

A deep and very sonorous " No," was the energetic reply 
of Mr. Poke. 

My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to 
the Doctor, first diplomatically waving his tail three times, 
continued : — 

" And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that 
you were supporting and promulgating illiberal 'pv'mci'ples ?" 

The question was met by a prompt negative, when the 
young noble paused, and looked at me like one who liad 
completely triumphed. 

"Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably ar- 
gumentative, and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; but 
I must be permitted to hint that the validity of all laws is 
derived from the enactment ; now the enactment, or, in the 
case of a treaty, the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived 
from the intention of the party who may happen to draw up 
a law or a clause^ but from the assent of the legal dejmties. 
In the present instance, there are two negotiators, and I now 
ask permission to address a few questions to them^ reversing 
the order of your own interrogatories ; and the result may 
possibly furnish a clue to the qtio animo, in a new light." 
Addressing the philosopher, I continued — " Did yow, sir, in 
assenting to article 10, imagine that you were defeating jus- 
tice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might to the 
injury of right?" 

The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very 
conscientious, " No." 

"And 2/ow, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in 
assenting to article 3, in the least conceive that, by any pos- 
sibility, the foes of humanity could torture your approbation 
into the means of determining that the bison-skin wearers 



TIIEMONIKINS. ]43 

were not to be upon a perfect footing with the best monikins 
of tlieland?" 

** Blast me, if I did !" 

But, Sir John Goldencalf, tlic Socratic mctlio:! of reason- 
ing " 

"Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord ^" 

"Nay, good Sir " 

" Permit me, my dear lord " 

« Sir John " 

"My lord " 

Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by 
another timely interposition of her graceful tact, she succeed- 
ed in preventing the reply. The parallel of the runaway 
horse was acted over, and I came to another stand-still. 
Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that the whole affair 
should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. I could 
not refuse ; and the plenipotentiaries retired, under a growl- 
ing accompaniment of Captain Poke, who pretty plainly de- 
clared that women caused more quarrels than all the rest of 
the world, and, from the little he had seen, he expected *t 
would turn out the same with monikinas. 

The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition 
that is denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly 
short time, the referees returned with the following^:>royra?j2me. 

Protocol of an intervicAv between, &c., &:c. 

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. : 
Article 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philo- 
sophical, ethical, liberal, general, and controversial interview. 
Art. 2. The interview shall be amicable. 
Art. 3. The interview shall be general. 
Art. 4. The interview shall be logical. 
Art. 5. The interview shall be ethical. 
Art. 0. The interview shall be philosophical. 



M4 THE MONIKINS. 

Art. v. The interview shall be liberal. 

Art. 8. The interview shall be controversial. 

Art. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, philo- 
sophical, ethical, logical, general, and amicable. 

Art. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed 
upon. 

The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidit}^ 
than Lord Ghatterino and myself pounced upon the third 
protocoZ, seeking new grounds for the argument that each 
was resolved on. 

" Auguste ! cher Auguste P^ exclaimed the lovely Chatter- 
issa, in the prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever 
heard — " Pour moi .^" 

" A moi ! monseigneur ^'' I put in, flourishing my copy of 
the protocol — I was checked in the midst of this controver- 
sial ardor, by a tug at the bison-skin ; when, casting a look 
behind me, I saw Captain Poke winking and making other 
signs that he wished to say a word in a corner. 

" I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, " if we 
ever mean to let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might 
as well be done now. The females have been cunning, but 
the deuce is in it if we cannot weather upon two women 
before the matter .is well over. In Stunin'tun, when it is 
thought best to accommodate proposals, why wo object and 
raise a breeze in the beginning, but toward the end we kind- 
er soften and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. 
The hardest gale must blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor 
the best argument the best monkey of them all can agitate !" 

" This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with 
an esiorii de corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel hu- 
man ?" 

"Kinder; but more bisonish than any thing else. Let 
them go on. Sir John ; and, when the time comes, we will 
take them aback, or set me down as a pettifogger." 



TUB MONIKINS. 145 

The Captain winked knowingly ; and I began to see that 
there was some sense in his opinion. On rejoining our 
friends, or allies, I scarce know which to call them, I found 
that the amiable Chatterissa had equally calmed the diplo- 
matic ardor of her lover, agaiu, and we now met on the best 
possible terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation ; 
and preparations were instantly commenced for the l(;otm'e 
of Dr. Reasono. 
1 



146 THE IIUNIKINH. 



CHAPTEK XL 

A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL — ^SOME 
HEASONS PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO 
FLIGHT, BY A CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS. 

Dr. Reason o was quite as reasonable, in tlie personal em- 
bellisliments of liis lyceum, as any public lecturer I remem- 
ber to have seen, wlio was required to execute bis functions 
in tbe presence of ladies. If I say tbat bis coat bad been 
brusbed, bis tail newly curled, and tbat bis air was a little 
more tban usually " solemnized," as Captain Poke described 
it in a decent wbisper, I believe all will be said tbat is eitber 
necessary or true. He placed bimself bebind a footstool, 
wbicb served as a table, smootbed its covering a little witb 
bis paws, and at once proceeded to business. It may be well 
to add tbat be lectured witbout notes, and, as tbe subject did 
not immediately call for experiments, witbout any apparatus. 

Waving bis tail toward tbe different parts of tbe room in 
wbicb bis audience were seated, tbe pbilosopber commenced. 

" As tbe present occasion, my bearers," be said, " is one 
of tbose accidental calls upon science, to wbicb all belonging 
to tbe academies are liable, and does not demand more tban 
tbe beads of our tbesis to be explained, I sball not dig into 
tbe roots of tbe subject, but limit myself to sucb general re- 
marks as may serve to furnisb tbe outlines of our pbilosopby, 
natural, moral, and political " 

" How, sir," I cried, " bave you a political as well as a 
moral pbilosopby ?" 

*' Beyond a question ; and a very useful pbilosopby it is. 
No interests require more pbilosopby tban tbose connected 



THE MONIKINS. 147 

witli politics. To resume our philosophy, natural, moral aud 
political, reserving most of the propositions, demonstrations, 
and corollaries, for greater leisure, and a more advanced state 
of information in the class. Prescribing to myself these sal- 
utary limits, therefore, I shall begin only with nature. 

" Nature is a term that we use to express the pervadii g 
and governing principle of created things. It is known both 
as a generic and a specific term, signifying in the former 
character the elements and combinations of omnipotence, as 
applied to matter in general, and in the latter its particular 
subdivisions, m connection with matter in its infinite varieties. 
It is moreover subdivided into its physical and moral attri- 
butes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions just 
named. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, mean- 
ing physically, we should be understood as alluding to those 
general, uniform, absolute, consistent, and beautiful laws, 
which control and render harmonious, as a great whole, the 
entire action, affinities, and destinies of the universe ; and 
when we say nature in the speciality, we would be under- 
stood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree, of air, fire, 
water, and land. Again ; in alluding to a moral nature in 
the abstract, we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its attractions, 
its deformities ; in a word, its totality ; while, on the other 
hand, when we use the term, in this sense, under the limits 
of a speciality, we confine its signification to the particular 
shades of natural qualities that mark the precise object 
named. Let us illustrate our positions by a few brief examples. 

" When we say * Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sub- 
lime, instructive !' — we mean that her laws emanate from a 
power of infinite intelligence and perfection ; and when we 
say * Oh nature, how art thou frail, vain and insufficient !' wq 
mean that she is, after all, but a secondary quality, inferior to 
that which brought her into existence, for definite, limited, 
and, doubtless, useful purposes. In these examples we treat 
the principle in the abstract. 



148 THE MONI.KINS. 

" The examples of nature in the speciahty will be more 
familiar, and, although in no degree more true, will be better 
understood by the generality of my auditors. Especial 
nature, in the physical signification, is apparent to the senses, 
and is betrayed in the outward forms of things, through their 
force, magnitude, substance, and proportions, and, in its more 
mysterious properties, to examination, by their laws, harmo- 
ny, and action. Especial moral nature is denoted in the 
different propensities, capacities and conduct of the different 
classes of all moral beings. In this latter sense we have 
mSnikin nature, dog nature, horse nature, hog nature, human 
nature " 

"Permit me. Dr. Rcasono," I interrupted, "to inquire if, 
by this classification, you intend to convey more than may 
be understood by the accidental arrangement of your exam- 
ples ?" 

" Purely the latter, I do assure you. Sir John." 

"And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and 
vegetable natures ?" 

"Our academies are divided on this point. One school 
contends that all living nature is to be embraced m a great 
comprehensive genus, while another admits of the distinc- 
tions you have named. I am of the latter opinion, inclining 
to the belief that Nature herself has drawn the line between 
the two classes, by bestowing on one the double gift of the 
moral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the former 
from the other. The existence of the moral nature is denot- 
ed by the presence of the will. The academy of Leaphigh has 
made an elaborate classification of all the known animals, of 
which the sponge is at the bottom of the list, and the moni- 
kin at the top V 

" Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled Noah. 

" Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, " am 
1 to understand that your savans account man an animal in a 
middle state betwen a sponge and a monkey ?" 



THE MONIKINS. 149 

" Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philo- 
sophical discussion — if you continue to indulge in it, I shall 
find myself compelled to postpone the lecture." 

At this rebuke I made a successful eflfort to restrain myself, 
although my espi-it de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, 
as well as I could, a change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who 
had stood suspended over his table with an air of doubt, 
waved his tail, and proceeded : — 

"Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, 
lizards, skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood- 
chucks, lions, Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-ou- 
tangs, men and monikins, are, beyond a question, all animals. 
The only disputed point among us is, whether they are all of 
the same genus, forming varieties or species, or whether they 
are to be divided into the three great families of the improv- 
ables^ the unimj^rovables, and the retrogressives. They who 
maintain that we form but one great family, reason by cer- 
tain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links to 
unite the great chain of the animal world. Taking man as 
a centre, for instance, they show that this creature possesses, 
in common with every other creature, some observable prop- 
erty. Thus, man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in 
another, he is like an oyster ; a hog is like a man ; the skunk 
has one peculiarity of a man ; the ourang-outang another ; 
the sloth another " 

" King !" 

" And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of 
philosophers, while it has been very ingeniously supported, is 
not, however, the one most in favor just at this moment in 
the academy of Leaphigh " 

" Just at this moment. Doctor !" 

"Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as 
well as moral, undergo their revolutions, the same as all cre- 
ated nature ? The academy has paid great attention to this 
subject ; and it issues annually an almanac, in which the dif- 



150 THE MONIKINS. 

ferent phases, the revolutions, the periods, the eclipses, 
whether partial or total, the distances from the centre of 
light, the apogee and perigee of all the more prominent 
truths, are calculated with singular accuracy ; and by the aid 
of which the cautious are enabled to keep themselves, as 
near as possible, within the bounds of reason. We deem 
this effort of the monikin mind as the sublimest of all its in- 
ventions, and as furnishing the strongest known evidence of 
its near approach to the consummation of our earthly des- 
tiny. This is not the place to dwell on that particular point 
of our philosophy, however ; and, for the present, we will 
postpone the subject." 

" Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 
1, article b, protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely 
adopted, must be supposed to contain the sinrit of that 
which was), to inquire whether the calculations of the revolu- 
tions of truth, do not lead to dangerous moral extravagances, 
ruinous speculations in ideas, and serve to unsettle society ?" 

The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chat- 
terino, to consult whether it would be prudent to admit of 
the validity of protocol "No. 1, even in this indirect manner; 
whereupon it was decided betAveen them, that, as such ad- 
mision would lay open all the vexatious questions that had 
just been so happily disposed of, clause 1 of article 5 having 
a direct connection with clause 2 ; clauses 1 and 2 forming 
the whole article; and the said article 5, in its entirety 
forming an integral portion of the whole instrument ; and 
the doctrine of constructions, enjoining that instruments are 
to be construed like wills, by their general, and not by their 
especial tendencies, it would be dangerous to the objects of 
the interview to allow the application to be granted. But, 
reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted 
into a precedent, it might be well to concede that as an act 
of courtesy, which was denied as a right. Hereupon, Dr. 
Reasono informed me that these calculations of the revolu- 



THE MONIKINS. 151 

tions of truth did lead to certain moral extravagances, and 
in many instances to ruinous speculations in ideas ; tliat the 
academy of Leaphigh, and, so far as his information extend- 
ed, the academy of every other country, had found the sub- 
ject of trut\ more particularly moral truth, the one of all 
others the most difficult to manage, the most likely to he 
abused, and the most dangerous to promulgate. I was more- 
over promised, at a future day, some illustrations of thia 
branch of the subject. 

" To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture," con- 
tinued Dr. Reasono, when he had politely made this little 
digression, " we now divide these portions of the created 
world into animated and vegetable nature ; the former is again 
divided into the im2:}rovable, and the unimprovable^ and the 
retrogressive. The improvable embraces all those species 
which are marching, by slow, progressive, but immutable 
mutations, toward the perfection of terrestrial life, or to that 
last, elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which 
the material makes its final struo-o-le with the immaterial — 
mind with matter. The improvable class of animals, agree- 
ably to the monikin dogmas, commences with those species 
in which matter has the most unequivocal ascendency, and 
terminates with those in which mind is as near perfection as 
this mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind and matter, 
in that mysterious union which connects the spiritual with 
the physical being, commence in the medium state, under- 
going, not, as some men have pretended, transmigrations of 
the soul only, but such gradual and imperceptible changes of 
both soul and body, as have peopled the world with so many 
wonderful beings ; wonderful, mentally and physically ; and all 
of which (meaning all of the improvable class) are no more 
than animals of the same great genus, on the high road of ten- 
dencies, who are advancing toward the last stage of improve- 
ment, previously to their final translation to another planet, 
and a new existence. 



152 THE MONIKINS. 

* The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens 
which, owing to their destiny, take a false direction ; which, 
instead of tending to the immaterial, tend to the material ; 
which gradually become more and more under the influence 
of matter, until, by a succession of physical translations, the 
will is eventually lost, and they become incorporated with 
the earth itself. Under this last transformation, these purely 
materialized beings are chemically analyzed in the great 
laboratory of nature, and their component parts are separa- 
ted ; thus the bones become rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits 
air, the blood water, the gristle clay, and the ashes of the 
will are converted into the element of fire. In this class we 
enumerate whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers other 
brutes, which visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that 
must speedily triumph over the less material portions of 
their natures." 

" And yet. Doctor, there are facts that militate against the 
theory ; the elephant, for instance, is accounted one of the 
most intelligent of all the quadrupeds." 

" A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in 
these little equivocations; thus, we have false suns, false 
rainbows, false prophets, false vision, and even false philoso- 
phy. There are entire races of both our species, too, as the 
Congo and the Esquimaux, for yours, and baboons and the 
common monkeys, that inhabit various parts of the world 
possessed by the human spiBcies, for ours, which are mere 
shadows of the forms and qualities that properly distinguish 
the animal in its state of perfection." 

"How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all 
the other monkeys that we see hopping and skipping about 
the streets?" 

" No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat- 
nosed, thick-lipped, low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the 
squalid, passionless, brutalized Esquimaux. I have said that 
nature delights in vagaries ; and all these are no more than 



THE MONIKINS. 153 

some of Iier mystifications. Of tliis class is tlie elepliant, 
who, while verging nearest to pure materialism, makes a de- 
ceptive parade of the quality he is fast losing. Instances of 
this species of playing trumps, if I may so express it, are 
common in all classes of beings. How often, for instance, 
do men, just as they are about to fail, make a parade of 
w^ealth, women seem obdurate an hour before they capitu- 
late, and diplomatists call Heaven to be a witness of their reso- 
lutions to the contrary, the day before they sign and seal ! In 
the case of the elephant, however, there is a slight exception 
to the general rule, which is founded on an extraordinary 
struggle between mind and matter, the former making an 
effort that is unusual, and which may be said to form an ex- 
ception to the ordinary warfare between these two principles, 
as it is commonly conducted in the retrogressive class of 
animals. The most infallible sign of the triumph of mind 
over matter, is in the development of the tail " 

"King!" 

"Of the tail. Dr. Reasono?" 

" By all means, sir — that seat of reason, the tail ! Pray, 
Sir John, what other portion of our frames did you imagine 
was indicative of intellect ?" 

" Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the 
head is the more honorable member, and, of late, w^e have 
made analytical maps of this part of our physical formation, 
by which it is pretended to know the breadth and length of 
I moral quality, no less than its boundaries." 

"You have made the best use of your materials, such as 
ihey were, and I dare say the map in question, all things 
considered, is a very clever performance. But in the compli- 
cation and abstruseness of this very moral' chart (one of 
which I perceive standing on your mantel-piece), you may 
iearn the confusion which still reigns over the human intel- 
lect. Now, in regarding us, you can understand the very 
converse of your dilemma. How much easier, for instance, 



154 THE MO NIK INS. 

is it to take a yard-stick, and by a simple admeasurement of 
a tail, come to a sound, obvious and incontrovertible conclu- 
sion as to tbe extent of the intellect of the specimen, than 
by the complicated, contradictory, self-balancing and ques- 
tionable process to which you are reduced ! Were there 
only this fact, it would abundantly establish the higher moral 
condition of the monikin race, as it is compared with that 
of man." 

" Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family 
seriously entertain a position so extravagant as this ; that a 
monkey is a creature more intellectual and more highly civi- 
lized than man ?" 

" Seriously, good Sir John ! "Why you are the first re- 
spectable person it has been my fortune to meet, who has 
even affected to doubt the fact. It is well known that both 
belong to the improvable class of animals, and that mon- 
keys, as you are pleased to term us, were once men, with all 
their passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, modes of philoso- 
phy, unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities and subserviency 
to matter; that they passed into the monikin state by de- 
grees, and that large divisions of them are constantly evapo- 
rating into the immaterial world, completely spiritualized 
and free from the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what is 
called death — for that is no more than an occasional deposit 
of matter to be resumed in a new aspect, and with a nearer 
approach to the grand results (whether of the improvable or 
of the retrogressive classes) — but those final mutations which 
transfer us to another planet, to enjoy a higher state of be- 
ing, and leaving us always on the high road toward final ex- 
cellence." 

" All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can per- 
suade me into the belief that man is an animal inferior to a 
monkey, Dr. Eeasono, you will allow me to say that you 
must prove it." 

" Ay, ay, or me, either, put in Captain Poke, waspishly. 



THE MONIKINS. 150 

" Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," continued the phi- 
losoplier, -whose spirit appeared to be much less moved by 
our doubts than ours were by his position — " I should in the 
first place refer you to history. All the monikin writers are 
agreed in recording the gradual translation of the species 
from the human family " 

"This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, 
but permit me to say that no human historian, from Moses 
down to Buflfon, has ever taken such a view of our respective 
races. There is not a word in any of all these writers on 
the subject." 

" How should there be, sir ? History is not a prediction, 
but a record of the past. Their silence is so much negative 
proof in our favor. Does Tacitus, for instance, speak of the 
French revolution ? Is not Herodotus silent on the subject 
of the independence of the American continent? — or do any 
of the Greek and Roman writers give us the annals of Stun- 
in'tun — a city whose foundations were most probably laid 
some time after the commencement of the Christian era? It 
is morally impossible that men or monikins can faithfully 
relate events that have never happened ; and as it has never 
yet happened to any man, who is still a man, to be translated 
to the monikin state of being, it follows, as a necessary con- 
sequence, that he can know nothing about it. If you want 
historical proofs, therefore, of what I say, you must search 
the monikin annals for evidence. There it is to be found 
with an infinity of curious details ; and I trust the time is 
not far distant, when I shall have great pleasure in pointing 
out to you some of the most approved chapters of our best 
writers on this subject. But we are not confined to the tes- 
timony of history, in establishing our condition to be of the 
secondary formation. The internal evidence is triumphant ; 
we appeal to our simplicity, our j^hilosophy, the state of the 
arts among us, in short, to all those concurrent proofs which 
arc dependent on the highest possible state of civilization. 



loG THE MONIKINS. 

In addition to this, we have tlie infallible testimony wliicli is 
to be derived from tlie development of our tails. Our system 
of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of the high 
improvement of the monikin reason." 

"Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Eeasono, Avhen I under- 
stand your system of caudology, or tailology, to render it 
into the vernacular, to dogmatize on the possibility that the 
seat of reason in man, which to-day is certainly in his brains, 
can ever descend into a tail?" 

" If you deem development, improvement and simplifica- 
tion a descent, beyond a question, sir. But your figure is a 
bad one, Sir John ; for ocular demonstration is before you, 
that a monikin can carry his tail as high as a man can possi- 
bly carry his head. Our species, in this sense, is morally 
nicked ; and it costs us no effort to be on a level with human 
kings. We hold, with you, that the brain is the seat of rea- 
son, while the animal is in what we call the human proba- 
tion, but that it is a reason undeveloped, imperfect and con- 
fused ; cased, as it were, in an envelope unsuited to its 
functions ; but that, as it gradually oozes out of this strait- 
ened receptacle toward the base of the animal, it acquires 
solidity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongation and development, 
point. If you examine the human brain, you will find it, 
though capable of being stretched to a great length, com- 
pressed in a diminutive compass, involved and snarled; 
whereas the same physical portion of the genus gets simplic- 
ity, a beginning and an end, a directness and consecutiveness 
that are necessary to logic, and, as has just been mentioned, 
a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, by all analog}^, 
go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing advanta- 
ges so great." 

" Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to 
prove more than you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, 
saps ascend for the purposes of fructification and usefulness ; 
and, reasoning from the analogies of the vegetable world, it 



THE MONIKINS. 157 

is far more probable that tails have ascended into brains 
than that brains have descended into tails ; and, consequently, 
that men are much more likely to be an improvement on 
monkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men." 

I spoke with warmth, I know ; for the doctrine of Dr. 
Reasono was new to me ; and by this time, my esprit de corps 
had pretty effectually blinded reflection. 

" You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John," whis- 
pered Captain Poke at my elbow ; " now, if you are so dis- 
posed, I w^ill wring the necks of all these little blackguards, 
and throw them out of the window." 

I immediately intimated that any display of brute force 
would militate directly against our cause; as the object, just 
at that moment, was to be as immaterial as possible. 

" Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and 
I'm quite as immaterial as you can wish ; but should these 
cunning varments ra'ally get the better of us in the argument, 
I shall never dare look at Miss Poke, or show my face ag'in 
in Stunin'tun." 

This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono 
was drinking a glass of cau sucree ; but he soon returned to 
the subject, with the dignified gravity that never forsook him. 

" Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human, 
ingenuity, blended, however, with the proverbial short-sight- 
edness of the species. It is very true that saps ascend for 
fructification; but what is this fructification, to which you 
allude ? It is no more than a false demonstration of the 
energies of the plant. For all the purposes of growth, life, 
durability, and the final conversion of the vegetable matter 
into an clement, the root is the seat of power and authority ; 
and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather below all 
others. This tap-root may be termed the tail of vegetation. 
Y^ou may pluck fruits with impunity — nay, you may even 
top all the branches, and the tree shall survive ; but, put the 
axe to the root, and the pride of the forest falls." 



158 THE MONIKINS- 

AU this WHS too evidently true to be denied, and I felt 
worried and badgered ; for no man likes to be beaten in a 
discussion of this sort, and more especially by a monkey. I 
bethought me of the elephant, and determined to make one 
more thrust, by the aid of his powerful tusks, before I gave 
up the point. 

" I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in as soon 
as possible, "that your savans have not been very happy in 
illustrating their theory by means of the elephant. This 
animal, besides being a mass of flesh, is too well provided 
with intellect to be passed off for a dunce ; and he not only 
has one, but he might almost be said to'be provided with tivo 
•Hails." 

" That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the 
great warfare between itself and mind, has gone on the prin- 
ciple of ' divide and conquer.' You are nearer the truth than 
you imagined, for the trunk of the elephant is merely the 
abortion of a tail ; and yet, you see, it contains nearly all 
the intelligence that the animal possesses. On the subject 
of the fate of the elephant, however, theory is confirmed by 
actual experiment. Do not your geologists and naturalists 
speak of the remains of animals, which are no longer to be 
found among living things ?" 

"Certainly, sir; the mastodon — the megatherium, iguano- 
don ; and the plesiosaurus " 

"And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of 
animal matter incorporated with rocks ? 

"This fact must be admitted, too." 

" These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than 
the final deposits which nature has made in the cases of 
those creatures in which matter has completely overcome its 
rival, mind. So soon as the will is entirely extinct, the being 
ceases to live; or it is no longer an animal. It falls and 
reverts altogether to the element of matter. The processes 
of decomposition and incorporation are longer, or shorter, 



THE M0NIKIN3. 159 

accoiding to circumstances ; and these fossil remains of whicli 
your Avriters say so much, are merely cases that have met 
with accidental obstacles to their final decomposition. As 
respects our two species, a very cursory examination of their 
qualities ought to convince any candid mind of the truth of 
our philosophy. Thus, the physical part of man is much 
greater in proportion to the spiritual, than it is in the monikin ; 
his habits are grosser and less intellectual ; he requires sauce 
and condiments in his food ; he is farther removed from sim- 
plicity, and, by necessary implication, from high civilization ; 
he eats flesh, a certain proof that the material principle i-s 
still strong in the ascendant ; he has no cauda " 

" On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your 
scholars attach any weight to traditions ?" 

"The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition 
that our species is composed of men refined, of diminished 
matter and augmented minds, with the seat of reason extri- 
cated from the confinement and confusion of the caput., and 
extended, unravelled, and rendered logical and consecutive, 
in the caudal 

Well, sir, we too have our traditions; and an eminent 
writer, at no great distance of time, has laid it down as 
incontrovertible, that men once had caudce.^^ 

" A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming 
events are known to cast their shadows before." 

" Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, 
by pointing to the stumps." 

" He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin ! 
Such errors are not unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. 
That men will have tails, I make no doubt ; but that they 
have ever reached this point of perfection, I do most solemn- 
ly deny. There arc many premonitory symptoms of their 
approaching this condition ; the current opinions of the day, 
the dress, habits, fashions, and philosophy of the species, en- 
courage the belief; but hitherto you have never reached tho 



IGO THE MONIKINS. 

enviable distinction. As to traditions, even your own are all 
in favor of our theory. Thus, for instance, you have a tra- 
dition that the earth was once peopled by giants. Now, this 
is owing to the fact that men were formerly more under the 
influence of matter, and less under that of mind than to-day. 
You admit that you diminish in size, and improve in moral 
attainments ; all of which goes to establish the truth of the 
monikin philosophy. You begin to lay less stress on physi- 
cal, and more on moral excellences; and, in short, many 
things show that the time for the final liberation and grand 
development of your brains, is not far distant. This much I 
very gladly concede ; for, while the dogmas of our schools arc 
not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that you are 
our fellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less im- 
proved condition of society." 

"King!" 

Here Dr. Reason© announced the necessity of taking a 
short intermission in order to refresh himself. I retired with 
Captain Poke, to have a little communication with my fellow- 
mortal, under the peculiar circumstances in which we were 
placed, and to ask his opinion of what had been said. Noah 
swore bitterly at some of the conclusions of the monikin phi- 
losopher, afiirming that he should like no better sport than 
to hear him lecture in the streets of Stunin'tun, where he 
assured me, sucb doctrine would not be tolerated any longer 
than was necessary to sharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun. 
Indeed, he did not know but the Doctor would be inconti- 
nently kicked over into Rhode Island, without ceremony. 

" For that matter," continued the indignant old sealer, " I 
should ask no better sport, than to nave permission to put 
the big toe of my right foot, under full sail, against the part 
of the blackguard Avhere his beloved tail is stepped. That 
would soon bring him to reason. Why, as for his cauda. if 
you will believe me. Sir John, I once sa^v a man, on the coast 
of Patagonia — a savage, to be sure, and not a philosopher, 



THE MONIKINS. 101 

as tbis fellow pretends to be — wlio had an outrigger of this 
sort, as long as a ship's ringtail-boom. And what was he, 
after all, but a poor devil who did not know a sea-lion from a 
grampus !" 

This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind consid- 
erably ; and laying aside the bison-skin, I asked him to have 
the goodness to examine the localities, with some particulari- 
ty, about the termination of the dorsal bone, in order to 
ascertain if there were any encouraging signs to be discover- 
ed. Captain Poke put on his spectacles, for time had brought 
the worthy mariner to their use, as he said, " whenever he 
had occasion to read fine print;" and, after some time, I had 
the satisfaction to hear him declare, that if it was a cauda I 
wanted, there was as good a place to step one, as could be 
found about any monkey in the universe ; " and you have 
only to say the word. Sir John, and I will just step into the 
next room, and by the help of my knife and a little judgment 
in choosing, Pll fit you out with a jury-article, which, if 
there be any ra'al vartue in this sort of thing, will qualify 
you at once to be a judge, or, for that matter, a bishop." 

We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I 
had barely time to thank Captain Poke for his obliging offer, 
which circumstances just then, however, forbade my accepting. 




■o^ls 



1G2 THE MO NIK INS. 



CHAPTER XII. 

BETTER AND BETTEE — A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON — MORE OBVIOUa 
TRUTHS, DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICU 
MIGHT DIGEST. 

*' I GLADLY quit what I fear some present may have consid- 
ered the personal part of my lecture," resumed Dr. Reasono^ 
"to turn to those portions of the theme that should possess 
a common interest, awaken common pride, and excite com- 
mon felicitations. I now propose to say a few words on that 
part of our natural philosophy which is connected with the 
planetary system, the monikin location — and, as a conse- 
quence from both, the creation of the world." 

" Although dying with impatience to be enlightened oii all 
these interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire 
€71 passantj Dr. Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic 
account of the creation or not." 

"As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no 
farther. There would be a manifest inconsistency in our giv- 
ing an antagonist validity to any hostile theory, let it come 
from Moses or Aaron ; as one of your native good sense and 
subsequent cultivation will readily perceive." 

"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction 
your philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to 
a very arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates 
the necessity of repudiating the whole of a witness's testi- 
mony, when we repudiate a part." 

"That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. 
So far from admitting the soundness of the principle, w^e 
hold that no monikin is ever wholly right, or that he will be 



THE MONIKINS. 1G3 

wliollj riglit, so long as lie remains in tlie least under the 
influence of matter ; and we therefore winnow the false from 
the true, rejecting the former as worse than useless, wdiile we 
take the latter as the nutriment of facts." 

" I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting yon, 
venerahle and learned sir ; and I entreat you will not waste 
another moment in replying to my interrogatories, but pro- 
ceed at once to an explanation of your planetary system, or 
of any other little thing it may suit your convenience to 
mention. When one listens to a real philosopher, one is 
certain to learn something that is either useful or agreeable, 
let the subject be what it may." 

"By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," continued Dr. 
Reasono, " we divide the great component parts of this earth 
into land and water. These two principles we term the primary 
elements. Human philosophy has added air and fire to the 
list; but these w^e reject cither entirely, or admit them only 
as secondary elements. That neither air nor fire is a^^rmary 
clement, may be proved by experiment. Thus, air can be 
formed, in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or 
foul ; is dependent on evaporation, being no more than ordi- 
nary matter in a state of high rarefaction. Fire has no 
independent existence ; requires fuel for its support, and is 
evidently a property that is derived from the combinations 
of other principles. Thus, by putting two or more billets of 
wood together, by rapid friction you produce fire. Abstract 
the air suddenly, and your fire becomes extinct ; abstract the 
wood, and you have the same result. From these two exper- 
iments it is shown that fire has no independent existence, 
and therefore is not an element. On the other hand, take a 
billet of wood and let it be completely saturated with water ; 
the wood acquires a new property (as also by the application 
of fire, which converts it into ashes and air), for its specific 
gravity is increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor 
more readily, and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. 



164 THE MONIKINS. 

Place the same billet under a powerful screw, and a vessel 
beneath. Compress the billet, and by a sufficient application 
of force, you will have the wood, perfectly dry, left beneath 
the screw, and the vessel will contain water. Thus is it 
shown that land (all vegetable matter being no more than 
fungi of the earth) is a primary element, and that water is 
also a primary element ; while air and fire are not. 

"Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity's 
sake, suppose the world created. In the beginning, the orb 
was placed in vacuum, stationary, and with its axis perpen- 
dicular to the plane of what is now called its orbit. Its 
only revolution was the diurnal." 

"And the changes of the seasons ?" 

"Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were 
equal ; there were no eclipses ; the same stars were always 
visible. This state of the earth is supposed, from certain 
geological proofs, to have continued about a thousand years, 
during which time the struggle between mind and matter 
was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to 
have made his appearance, so far as our documents go to 
establish the fact, about the year of the world one thousand 
and three. About this period, too, it is supposed that fire 
was generated by the friction of the earth's axis, while mak- 
ing the diurnal movement ; or, as some imagine, by the fric- 
tion of the periphery of the orb, rubbing against vacuum at 
the rate of so many miles in a minute. The fire penetrating 
the crust, soon got access to the bodies of water that fill the 
cavities of the earth. From this time is to be dated the 
existence of a new and most important agent in the terres- 
trial phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to 
appear, as the earth received warmth from within " 

" Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals ex- 
isted previously 2" 

"By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the 
weak, until the most diminutive of the animalcula was 



THE MONIKINS. 105 

readied, wlien these turned on tlieir persecutors, and profit- 
ing by their insignificance, commenced devouring the strong- 
est. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon in the 
history of man. He who by his energy and force has tri- 
umphed over his equals, is frequently the prey of the insig- 
nificant and vile. You doubtless know that the polar regions 
even in the original attitude of the earth, owing to their receiv- 
ing the rays of the sun obliquely, must have possessed a less 
genial climate than the parts of the orb that lie between the 
arctic and the antarctic circles. This was a wise provision 
of Providence to prevent a premature occupation of those 
chosen regions, or to cause them to be left uninhabited, 
until mind had so far mastered matter, as to have brought 
into existence the first monikin." 

" May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the ap- 
pearance of the first of your species?" 

"To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir — but if you 
mean to ask in what year of the world this event took place, 
I should answer, about the year 4017. It is true that certain 
of our writers aff'ect to think that divers men were approach- 
ing to the sublimation of the monikin mind, previously to 
this period ; but the better opinion is, that these cases were 
no more than what are termed premonitory. Thus, Socrates, 
Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes, and 
Seneca, were merely so many admonishing types of the 
future condition of man, indicating their near approach to 
the monikin, or to the final translation." 

** And Epicurus " 

"Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that 
denoted the retrogression of a large portion of the race 
toward brutality and matter. These phenomena are stiM of 
daily occurrence." 

" Do you then hold the opinion, for instance. Dr. Reasono, 
that Socrates is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain 
unravelled and rendered logically consecutive, and that Epi- 



166 THE MO NIKINS. 

CUIUS is transformed percliance into a hippopotamus or a rbi 
noceros, with tusks, horns, and hide ?" 

"You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not 
believe in transmigration in the individual at all, but in the 
transmigration of classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a 
given generation of men, in a peculiar state of society, attain, 
in the aggregate, a certain degree of moral improvement, or 
mentality, as we term it in the schools, that there is an 
admixture of their qualities in masses, some believe by scores, 
others think by hundreds, and others again pretend by thou- 
sands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is regularly 
instituted by nature, that the proportions are just, the mate- 
rial is consigned to the monikin birth ; if not, it is repudia- 
ted, and either kneaded anew for another human experiment, 
or consigned to the vast stores of dormant matter. Thus all 
individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, is lost." 

"But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most im- 
portant of your propositions ; while you admit that a want 
of a change in the seasons would be a consequence of the 
perpendicularity of the earth's axis to the plane of its present 
orbit, this chano;e in the seasons is a matter not to be denied. 
Flesh and blood testify against you here, no less than reason.'* 

"I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the 
birth of the monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, 
harmonious, and contemplated alteration has occurred. Na- 
ture had reserved the polar regions for the new species, with 
divers obvious and benevolent purposes. It was rendered 
uninhabitable by the obliquity of the sun's rays ; and though 
matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales, with an in- 
stinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently invaded 
their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the first em- 
bedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of strug- 
gling against destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great 
truth in the instance of the others ; who if they did enter 
the polar basins as masters of the great deep, either left their 



THE MONIKINS. 107 

bones tlierc, or returned in the same cliaracters as they went. 
From tlie appearance of animal nature on the earth, down 
to the period when the monikin race arose, the regions in 
question were not only uninhabited, but virtually uninhabit- 
able. When, however, nature, always wary, wise, beneficent, 
and never to be thwarted, had prepared the way, those phe- 
nomena were exhibited that cleared the road for the new 
species. I have alluded to the internal struggle between fire 
and water, and to their progeny, steam. This new agent was 
now required to act. A moment's attention to the manner 
in which the next great step in the progress of civilization 
was made, will show with what foresight and calculation our 
common mother had established her laws. The earth is 
flattened at the poles, as is well imagined by some of the 
human philosophers, in consequence of its diurnal movement 
commencing while the ball was still in a state of fusion, 
which naturally threw off a portion of the unkneaded matter 
toward the periphery. This was not done without the design 
of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus 
accumulated at the equator, was necessarily abstracted from 
other parts ; and in this manner the crust of the globe be- 
came thinnest at the poles. When a sufficiency of steam had 
been generated in the centre of the ball, a safety-valve was 
evidently necessary to prevent a total disruption. As there 
was no other machinist than nature, she worked with her 
own tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The 
thinnest portions of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent 
a catastrophe, when the superfluous and heated vapor es- 
caped, in a right line with the earth's axis, into vacuum. 
This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we have been able 
to ascertain, about the year 700 before the Christian era 
commenced, or some two centuries previously to the birth 
of the first monikins." 

"And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?" 
" Simply that there might be time for the new climate to 



1G8 THE MONI KINS. 

melt tlic ice that Lad accumulated about tlic islands and con- 
tinents of tliat region (for it was only at the southern ex- 
tremity of the earth that the explosion had taken place), in 
the course of so many centuries. Two hundred and seventy 
years of the active and unremitted agency of steam sufficed 
for this end ; since the accomplishment of which, the moni- 
kin race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole 
territory, together with its blessed fruits." 

*'Am I to understand," asked Captain Poke, with more 
interest than he had before manifested in the philosopher's 
lecture, " that your folks, when at hum', live to the south'ard 
of the belt of ice that we mariners always fall in with some- 
where about the parallel of 7 7° south latitude ?" 

" Precisely so — alas ! that wc should, this day, be so far 
from those regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubri- 
ty ! But the will of Providence be done ! — doubtless there 
is a wise motive for our captivity and sufferings, which may 
yet lead to the further glory of the monikin race !" 

" Will you have the kindness to proceed with your expla- 
nations, Doctor ? If you deny the annual revolution of the 
earth, in what manner do you account for the changes of the 
seasons, and other astronomical phenomena, such as the 
eclipses which so frequently occur 2" 

" You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted," 
the philosopher hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dash 
ing a tear from his eye. " Prosperity produced some of its 
usual effects among the founders of our species. For a few 
centuries, they went on multiplying in numbers, elongating 
and rendering still more consecutive their caudce, improving 
in knoAvledge and the arts, until some spirits, more audacious 
than the rest, became restive under the slow march of events, 
which led them toward perfection at a rate ill-suited to their 
fiery impatience. At this time, the mechanic arts were at 
the highest pitch of perfection amongst us — we have since, 
in a great measure, abandoned them, as unsuited to, and 



THE MO NIK INS. IG'J 

unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization — we wore 
clothes, constructed canals, and ctlected other works that 
were greatly esteemed among the species from which we had 
emigrated. At this time, also, the whole monikin family 
lived together as one people, enjoyed the same laws, and pur- 
sued the same objects. lUit a political sect arose in the 
region, under the direction of misguided and hot-headed 
leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of 
Providcucc, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages 
to remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanati- 
cism and philosophical sophisms, to attaiu its ends. It grew 
rapidly in power and numbers ; for we monikins, like men, 
as I have had occasion to observe, are seekers ol' novelties. 
At last it proceeded to absolute overt acts of treason a<i'ainst 
the laws of Providence itself. The lirst violent demonstra- 
tion of its madness and folly was, setting up the doctrine 
that injustice had been done the monikin race, by causing 
the safety-valve of the world to be opened within their 
region. Although we were manifestly indebted to this very 
circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the value of 
our possessions, the general liealthfulness of our families — 
nay, for our separate existence itself, as an independent spe- 
cies, yet did these excited and ill-ju»lging wretches absolutely 
wage war upon the most benevolent and the most unequivocal 
friend they had. Specious promises led to theories, theories 
to declamations, declamation to combination, combination to 
denunciation, and denunciation to open hostilities. The mat • 
tcr in dispute was debated for two generations, wlien the neces- 
sary degree of madness having been excited, the leaders of the 
party, who by this time had worked thomsclvcs through their 
hobby, into the general control of the monikin affairs, called a 
meeting of all their partisans and passed certain resolutions, 
which will never be blotted from the monikin memory, so fatal 
were their consequences, so ruinous for a time, their effects 1 
They were conceived in the following terms : — 
8 



IVO 



THE MONIKINS. 



"' At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikiu- 
ized of the monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat 
(we still used the human appellations, at that epoch), in the 
year of the world 3,007, and of the monikin era 317, Plau- 
sible Shout was called to the chair, and Ready Quill was 
named secretary. 

"' After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all 
present, it was unanimously resolved as follows, viz. : 

" * That steam is a curse, and not a blessing ; and that it 
deserves to be denounced by all patriotic and true monikins. 

"'That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice 
in nature, that she has placed the great safety-valve of the 
world within the lawful limits of the monikin territories. 

" ' That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forth- 
with ; and that it shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, 
forcibly if it must. 

"'That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John 
Jaw, our present estimable chief magistrate, the incorrupti- 
ble partisan, the undaunted friend of his friends, the uncom- 
promising enemy of steam, and the sound, pure, orthodox, 
and true monikin. 

"'That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of 
all monikins. 

" ' That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, 

holy, and glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the 

bones of our ancestors, and all who have gone before or who 

may come after us, to the faithful execution of our intentions. 

"'Signed, 

'"Plausible Shout, Chairman, 

" ' Ready Quill, Secretary.' 

"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead 
of being passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they 
were drawn up between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the 
private dictation of Mr. Jaw), than the public mind began 



THE M ONIKINS. I7l 

seriously to meditate proceeding to extremities. That per- 
fection in tlie meclianic arts which had hitherto formed our 
pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest enemy. It 
is thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party meant, 
in truth, to, confine themselves to certain electioneering 
effects; but who can stay the torrent, or avert the current of 
prejudice! The stream was setting against steam; the 
whole invention of the species was put in motion ; and in one 
year from the passage of the resolutions I have recited, 
mountains were transported, endless piles of rocks were 
thrown into the gulf, arches were constructed, and the hole 
of the safety-valve was hermetically sealed. You will form 
some idea of the waste of intelligence and energy on this 
occasion, when I add that it was found, by actual observation, 
that this artificial portion of the earth was thicker, stronger, 
and more likely to be durable than the natural. So far did 
infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the 
whole region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the pre- 
cise locality of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, 
and all the most zealous of his followers, removed to the 
spot, where they established the seat of their government in 
triumph. All this time nature rested upon her arms, in the 
quiet of conscious force. It was not long, however, before 
our ancestors began to perceive the consequences of their 
act, in the increase of the cold, in the scarcity of fruits, and 
in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The monikin enthusi- 
asm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible theory, but 
it invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the 
human race, better furnished with the material of physical 
resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weakness, 

but " 

"Do not flatter us with the exception. Doctor. I find so 
many points of resemblance between us, that I really begin 
to think we must have had the same origin; and if you 
would only admit that man is of the secondary formation, 



1*72 THE MONIKINS. 

and the monikins of the primary, I would accept the \Nholo 
of your pliilosophy without a moment's delay." 

•'As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and 
doctrine, I trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossi- 
bility of a Professor in the University of Leaphigh makinj^ 
the concession, even in this remote part of the world. As I 
was about to observe, the people began to betray uneasiness 
at the increasing and constant inclemency of the weather; 
and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to stimulate their pas- 
sions by a new development of his principles. His friends 
and partisans were all assembled in the great square of the 
new capital, and the following resolutions were, to use the 
language of a handbill that is still preserved in the archives 
of the Leaphigh Historical Society (for it would seem they 
were printed before they were passed), ' unanimously, enthu- 
siastically, and finally adopted,' viz. : 

^^^Hesolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for 
steam. 

*■'•'' Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and 
all other natural disadvantages. 

^^^ Resolved J That we will live forever. 

"*i2eso^wJ, That we will henceforward go naked, as the 
most eff*ectual means of setting the frost at defiance. 

" * Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the 
earth's crust in the polar regions. 

^^ *" Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for 
any public trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all 
Lis fires, and to dispense with cooking altogether. 

" * Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of 
patriotism, reason, good faith, and firmness. 

^'■^ Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die^ 

" We are told that the last resolution was just carried hy 
acclamation, when nature arose in her might, and took ample 



THE MO NIK INS. 173 

vengeance for all lier wrongs. Tlie great boiler of the earth 
burst, with a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the 
thinnest part of the workmanship, not only Mr. John Jaw, 
and all his partisans, but forty thousand square miles of ter- 
ritory. The last that was seen of them was about thirty 
seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, when the whole 
mass disappeared near the northern horizon, going at a rate 
a little surpassing that of a cannon-ball which has just left 
its gun." 

" King 1" exclaimed Noah ; " that is what we sailors call 
' to cut and run.' " 

" Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, 
my good Doctor ?" 

"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our nat- 
uralists assume that the monkeys which frequent the other 
parts of the earth are their descendants, who, stunned by 
the shock, have lost their reasoning powers, while, at the 
same time, they show glimmerings of their origin. This is, 
in truth, the better opinion of our savans; and it is usual 
with us, to disl^guish all the human species of monkeys by 
the name of 'the lost monikins.' Since my captivity, 
chance has thrown me in the way of several of these ani- 
mals, who were equally under the control of the cruel Savoy- 
ards ; and in conversing with them, in order to inquire into 
their traditions and to trace the analogies of language, I 
have been led to think there is some foundation for the 
opinion. Of this, however, hereafter." 

"Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand 
square miles of territory ?" 

" Of that we have a better account ; for one of our ves- 
sels, which was far to the northward, on an exploring expe- 
dition, fell in with it in longitude 2° from Leaphigh, latitude 
6° S., and by her means it was ascertained that divers 
islands had been already formed by falling fragments ; and, 
judging by the direction of the main body when last seen, 



1'74 TIIEMONIKINS. 

tlie fertility of that part of tlie world, and various geological 
proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the 
deposit of the remainder." 

*' And the inonikin region, sir — what was the consequence 
of this phenomenon to that part of the world ?" 

" Awful — sublime — various — atid durable ! The more im- 
portant, or the personal consequences, shall be mentioned 
first. Fully one-third of the monikin species were scalded to 
death. A great many contracted asthmas and other diseases 
of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges were 
swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and large 
stores of provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appear- 
ance and violent character of the thaw. These may be enu- 
merated among the unpleasant consequences. Among the 
pleasant, we esteem a final and agreeable melioration of the 
climate, which regained most of its ancient character, and 
a rapid and distinct elongation of our caudce^ by a sudden 
acquisition of wisdom. 

"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as 
follows : — By the suddenness and force with wliich so much 
steam rushed into space, finding its outlet several degrees 
from the pole, the earth was canted from its perpendicular 
attitude, and remained fixed, with its axis having an inclina- 
tion of 23° 27' to the plane of its orbit. At the same 
time the orb began to move in vacuum, and, restrained by 
antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called its annual 
revolution." 

"I can very well understand, friend Keasono," observed 
Noah, "why the 'arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, 
though a well-ballasted ship would right again when the puff 
was over ; but I cannot understand how a little steam leaking 
out at one end of a craft should set her agoing at the rate 
we are told this world travels V 

" If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal 
motion giving it every moment a new position, the earth 



THE MONIKINS. 17,^ 

would not be propellocl in its orbit, of a certainty, Captain 
Poke ; but as, in fact, tliis escape of the steam has the character 
of pulsation, being periodical and regular, nature has or- 
dained that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four hours, 
and this at such a time as to render its action uniform, and 
its impulsion always in the same direction. The principle on 
which the earth receives this impetus, can be easily illustra- 
ted by a familiar experiment. Take, for instance, a double- 
barrelled fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quantities 
of powder, introduce a ball and tioo wads into each barrel, 
place the breech within 4 i2i inches of the abdomen, and 

■•■ 1000 ' 

take care to fire both barrels at once. In this case, the balls 
will give an example of the action of the forty thousand 
square miles of territory, and the person experimenting will 
not fail to imitate the impulsion, or the backward movement 
of the earth." 

" While I do not deny that such an experiment would be 
likely to set both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not 
see why the 'arth should not finally stop, as the man would 
be sure to do, after he had got through with hopping, and 
kicking, and swearing." 

" The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, 
does not stop, can also be elucidated by experiment, as fol- 
lows : — Take Captain Noah Poke, provided as he is by nature 
with legs and the power of motion; lead him to the Place Yen- 
dome ; cause him to pay three sous, which will gain him admis- 
sion to the base of the column ; let him ascend to the summit ; 
thence let him leap with all his energy, in a direction at right 
angles with the shaft of the column, into the open air ; and it 
will be found that, though the original impulsion would not 
probably impel the body more than ten or twelve feet, motion 
would continue until it had reached the earth. Corollary: 
hence it is proved that all bodies in which the vis inertia has 
been overcome will continue in motion, until they come in 
contact with some -power capable of stopping them." 



ViQ T II E M O N I K I N S . 

" King ! — Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth 
makes its circuit, as much owing to this said steam of yours 
shoving, as it were, always a little on one side, acting thereby 
in some fashion as a rudder, which causes her to keep waring 
as we seamen call it, and as big crafts take more room than 
small ones in waring, why, she is compelled to run so many 
millions of miles, before, as it were, she comes up to the 
wind ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; whereas, 
I never could reconcile it to my natur', that these little bits 
of stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her course, with 
such a devil of a way on her, as we know in reason she must 
have, to run so far in a twelvemonth. Why, the smallest 
yaw — and, for a hooker of her keel, a thousand miles 
wouldn't be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a ship — 
the smallest yaw would send her aboard of the Jupiter, or 
the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-board 
work such as mortal never before witnessed !" 

" We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attrac- 
tion, sir ; nor do I see that your proposition would at all 
obviate your own objection." 

"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose 
there was a steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us 
suppose the steam up, and the craft with a broad offing ; 
let us suppose her helm lash'd hard aport, and she going at 
the rate of ten thousand knots the hour, without bringing 
up or shortening sail for years at a time. Now, all this 
being admitted, what would be her course ? Why, sir, any 
child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of 
some fifty or a hundred thousand miles in circumference ; and 
such, it appears to me, it is much more rational to suppose 
is the natur' of the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering- 
small among stars and attractions." 

"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, 
in your suggestion ; and I propose that you shall profit by 
the first occasion to lay your opinions on the subject, more 
at large, before the Academy of Leaphigh." 



THEMONIKINS, ill 

"Willi all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, 
like good liquor, is given to be passed round from one to 
another, and not to be gulped in a corner by any particular 
individle. And now I'm throwing out hints of this natur' I 
will just intimate another, that you may add to your next 
demonstration, by way of what you call a corollary ; which 
is this — that is to say — if all you tell us about the bursting 
of the bCiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the 'arth 
the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings 
of the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, and the 
Italians, on this point, are no more than so much smoke." 

" And of the Americans, too. Captain Poke," I ventured 
to observe. 

" Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well 
see how Fulton could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did 
not know the Doctor, and most probably never heard of 
Leaphigh in his life." 

We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the 
nicety of the navigator's distinctions ; and the philosopher's 
lecture, in its more didactic form, being now virtuall}'- at an 
end, a long and desultory conversation took place, in which 
a multitude of ingenious questions were put by Captain Poke 
and myself, and which were as cleverly answered by the Doc- 
tor and his friends. 

At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and 
much as he loved science, had not given himself all this 
trouble without a view to what are called ulterior considera- 
tions, came out with a frank expose of his wishes. Accident 
had apparently combined all the means for gratifying the 
burning desire I betrayed to be let into further details of the 
monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other great 
social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was 
wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper ves- 
sel would be an expenditure of no moment ; both the Doc- 
tor and Lord Chatterino were good practical geographers, 



178 THE MONIKINS. 

after they were once within the parallel of 77° south, and 
Captain Poke, according to his own account of himself, had 
]3assed half his life in poking about among the sterile and un- 
inhabited islands of the frozen ocean. AVhat was there to 
prevent the most earnest wishes of all present from being 
gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no 
doubt would be glad to get the command of a good tight 
sea-boat ; the strangers pined for home, and it was my most 
ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by taking a fur- 
ther interest in monikins. 

On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer, 
to undertake the task of restoring these amiable and enlight- 
ened strangers to their own firesides and families. The Cap- 
tain soon began to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propen- 
sity ; for the more I pressed the matter on him, the more 
readily he found objections. The several motives he urged 
for declining the proposal, may be succinctly given as fol- 
lows : — 

It was true that he wanted employment, but then he want- 
ed to see Stunin'tun too; he doubted Avhether monkeys 
would make good sailors ; it was no joke to run in among 
the ice, and it might be still less of one to find our way 
back again ; he had seen the bodies of dead seals and bears 
that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for any 
thing he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, 
for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good 
for nothing else ; how did he know these monikins might not 
catch the men, when they had once fairly got them in their 
country, and strip them, and make them throw summersets, 
as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the 
Lady Chatterissa to do? — he knew he should break his 
neck the very first flap-jack ; if he were ten years younger, 
perhaps he should like the frolic ; he did not believe the 
right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his 
part, he liked sailing under the stars and stripes ; he didn't 



THEMONIKINS. 179 

know but lie might go if lie had a crew of Stunin'tunncrs ; 
he al ways knew how to get along with such people ; he 
could scare one by threatening to tell his marm how he 
behaved, and bring another to reason by hinting that the 
gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating ; then 
there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all ; or, if 
there was, he might never find it ; as for wearing a bison- 
skin under the equator, it was quite out of the question, 
a human skin being a heavy load to carry in the calm lati- 
tudes ; and finally that he didn't exactly see what he was 
to get by it." 

These objections were met, one by one, reversing the 
order in which they were made, and commencing with the 
last. 

I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward* 
This proj)Osal brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's 
eyes, though he shook his head, as if he thought it very 
little. It was then suggested that there w^as no doubt we 
should discover certain islands that were well stored with 
seals, and that I would waive 'all claims as owner, and 
that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own 
private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, 
I thouo;ht he was about to suffer himself to be causfht. 
But he remained obstinate. After trying all our united 
rhetoric, and doubling the amount of the pecuniary offer, 
Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of the universal engine 
of human weakness, and the old sealer, who had resisted 
money — an influence of known efficacy at Stunin'tun — 
ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the 
ordinary inducements that might be thought to have 
weight with men of his class, was, in the end, hooked by 
his own vanity ! 

T\e philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure 
there would be in reading a paper before the Academy 
of Leaphigh, on the subject of the captain's peculiar views 



;^g,^ THE MONIKINS. 

touching the earth's annual revolution, and of the virtue 
of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard aport, 
when all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away 
like snow in a thaw. 



THE M0NIKIN8. 181 



CHAPTER XIII. 

A CHAPTER OF PllEPARATIONS — DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER — A TIGHT 
FIT, AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT. 

I SHALi. pass liglitly over the events of tlie succeeding 
month. During this time, the whole party were transferred 
to England, a proper ship had been bought and equipped, 
the family of strangers were put in quiet possession of their 
cabins, and I had made all my arrangements for being absent 
from England for the next two years. The vessel was a 
stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons 
burden, and had been properly constructed to encounter 
the dansfers of the ice. Her accommodati-ons were suitably 
arranged to meet all the exigencies of both monikin and 
human wants, the apartments of the ladies being very prop- 
erly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise 
rendered decorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa 
very pleasantly called their private room the gynecee, which, 
as I afterward ascertained, was a term for the women's 
apartments, obtained from the Greek, the monikins being 
quite as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their 
acquirements by the introduction of words from foreign 
tongues. 

Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship'p 
company, the service being known to be arduous, and the 
duties of a very responsible character. For this purpose, he 
made a journey expressly to Liverpool (the ship lying in 
the Greenland Dock at London), where he was fortunate 
enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two 
Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed 



182 THE MONIKINS. 

to cruising as near tlie poles as ordinary men ever succeed in 
reacliing. He was also well suited in liis cook and mates ; 
but I observed that be bad great difficulty in finding a cabin- 
boy to bis mind. More tban twenty applicants were reject- 
ed, some for tbe want of one qualification, and some for tbe 
want of anotber. As I was present at several examinations 
of different candidates for tbe office, I got a little insigbt 
into bis manner of ascertaining tbeir respective merits. 

Tbe invariablD practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum 
and a pitcber of water before tbe lad, and to order bim to 
try bis band at mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants 
were incontinently rejected for manifesting a natural in- 
aptitude at bitting tbe juste milieu, in tliis important part 
of tbe duty of a cabin-boy. Most of tbe candidates, bow 
ever, were reasonably expert in tbe art; and tbe captain 
soon came to tbe next requisite, wbicli was, to say " Sir," in 
a tone, as Noab expressed it, somewbere between tbe snap 
of a steel-trap and tbe mendicant wbine of a beggar. Four- 
teen were rejected for deficiencies on tbis score, tbe captain 
remarking tbat most of tbem " were tbe sa'ciest blackguards" 
be bad ever fallen in witb. Wben be bad, at lengtb, found 
one wbo could mix a tumbler of grog, and answer " Sir," to 
bis liking, be proceeded to make experiments on tbeir abili- 
ties in carrying a soup-tureen over a slusbed plank ; in wiping 
plates witbout a napkin, and witbout using tbeir sbirt- 
sleeves ; in snuffing candles witb tbeir fingers ; in making a 
soft bed witb few materials besides boards; in mixing tbe 
various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dougb, (wbicb 
be affectedly pronounced duff)'^ in fattening pigs on beef- 
bones, and ducks on tbe sweepings of tbe deck; in looking 
at molasses witbout licking bis lips ; and in various otber 
similar accomplisbments, wbicb be maintained were as fa- 
mibar to tbe cbildren of Stunin'tun, as tbeir singing-books 
and tbe ten commandments. Tbe nineteentb candidate, to 
my uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noab rejected 



THEMONIKINS. 183 

him for tlie want of a quality that he declared was indispen 
sable to the quiet of the ship. Ijb appeared that he was too 
bony about an essential part of his anatomy, a peculiarity 
that was very dangerous to a captain, as he himself was once 
so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of joint, by kicking 
one of those ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated vio- 
lence ; a thing that was very apt to happen to a man in a 
hurry. Luckily, No. twenty passed, and was immediate'iy 
promoted to the vacant berth. The very next day the ship 
put to sea, in good condition, and with every prospect of a 
fortunate voyage. 

I will here state that a general election occurred the week 
before we sailed ; and I ran down to Householder and got 
myself returned, in order to j^rotect the interests of those 
who had a natural right to look up to me for that small 
favor. 

We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands 
over the taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel 
in good earnest. Coming down channel, he had done little 
more than rummage about in the cabin, examine the lockers, 
and make his foot acquainted with the anatomy of poor Bob, 
as the cabin-boy was called ; who, judging from the amount 
of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited for his 
station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last holc^ 
of the land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navi- 
gator came forth in his true colors, and showed the stuff of 
which he was really made. The first thing he did was to 
cause a pull to be made on every halyard, bowline and brace 
in the ship ; he then rattled off both mates, in order to show 
them (as he afterward told me in confidence) that he was 
captain of his own vessel ; gave the people to understand he 
did not like to speak twice on the same subject and on the 
same occasion, which he said was a privilege he very willing- 
ly left to Congress-men and women ; and then he appeared 
satisfied with himself and all around him. 



184 THE MONIKINS. 

A Aveck after we liad taken our departure, I ventured to 
ask Captain Poke if it might not be well enough to take an 
observation, and to resort to some means in order to know 
where the ship was. Noah treated this idea with great dis- 
respect. He could see no use in wearing out quadrants with- 
out any necessity for it. Our course was south, we knew, 
for we were bound to the south pole ; all we had to do was 
to keep America on the starboard, and Africa on the larboard 
hand. To be sure, there was something to be said about the 
trades, and a little allowance to be made for currents now 
and then; but he and the ship would get to be better 
acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on 
like clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on 
deck just as day dawned, and to my surprise Noah, who 
was in his berth, called out to the mate, through the sky- 
light, to let him know exactly how the land bore. No one 
had yet seen any land ; but at this summons we began to 
look about us, and sure enough there was an island dimly 
visible on the eastern board! Its position by compass was 
immediately communicated to the captain, who seemed well 
satisfied with the result. Renewing his admonition to the 
ofiicer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on the lar- 
board hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap. 

I afterward understood from the mates, that we had made 
a very capital fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on 
wonderfully well, though it was quite as great a mystery to 
them as it was to me, how the captain could know where the 
ship was ; for he had not touched his quadrant, except to wipe 
it with a silk handkerchief, since we left England. About a 
fortnight after we had passed the Cape de Verds, Noah came 
on deck in a great rage, and began to storm at the mate 
and the man at the wheel for not keeping the ship her 
course. To this the former answered with spirit, that the 
only order he had received in a fortnight, was " to keep her 
jogging south, allowing for variation," and that she was 



TIIEMONIKINS. 185 

heading at tliat moment according to orders. Hereupon, 
Noali gave Bob, who happened to pass him just then, a 
smart appHcation a posteriori, and swore " that the compass 
was as big a fool as the mate ; that the ship was two points 
off her course; that south was hereaway, and not there- 
away ; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no 
northin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, where- 
as it ought to be for'ard of the beam ; that we were running 
for llio instead of Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to 
get to the latter country, we must haul up on a good taut 
bowline." The mate, to my surprise, suddenly acquiesced, 
and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He after- 
ward told me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate hav- 
ing been sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly left 
them much too close to the binnacle ; and that, in fact, the 
magnet had been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man 
at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the real 
points of the compass. I must say this little occurrence 
greatly encouraged me, leaving no doubt about our eventual 
and safe arrival as far, at least, as the boundary of ice which 
separates the human from the monikin region. Profiting by 
this feeling of security, I now began to revive the intercourse 
with the strangers, which had been partially interrupted by 
the novel and disagreeable circumstances of a sea life. 

The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the 
case with females at sea, rarely left the gynecee ; but as we 
drew near the equator, the philosopher and the young peei 
passed most of their time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono 
and I spent half of the mild nights in discussing subjects 
connected with my future travels ; and, as soon as we were 
well clear of the rain and the thunder and lightning of the 
calm latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself, began to 
study the language of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was includ- 
ed in this arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it 
convenient to take him on shore with us, since a wish to con- 



180 THE MONIKINS. 

ceal my destination had induced me to bring no servant 
along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly 
diminished the labor of the acquisition. The whole lan- 
guage was spoken and written on a system of decimals, 
which rendered it particularly easy, after the elementary 
principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human 
tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no 
departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty 
of the pillory. This provision, the captain protested, was 
the best rule of them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble ; 
for, as he knew by experience, a man might be a perfect 
adept in the language of Stunin'tun, and then be laughed 
at in New York for his pains. The comprehensiveness of 
the tongue was also another great advantage ; though, like 
all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was the 
next-door -neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord 
Chatterino obligingly explained, " loe-witch-it-me-cum,^'' means 
" Madam, I love you from the crown of my head to the tip 
of my tail ; and as I love no other half as well, it would make 
me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to 
become my wife, that we might be models of domestic pro- 
priety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and for- 
ever." In short, it was the usual and most solemn expres- 
sion for asking in marriage; and, by the laws of the land, 
was binding on the proposer until as formally declined by 
the other party. But, unluckily, the word " we-switch-it-me- 
cum," means " Madam, I love you from the crown of my 
head to the tip of my tail ; and, if I did not love another 
better^ it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if 
you would consent to become my wife, that we might be 
models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time 
henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle and insig- 
nificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal 
of heart-burning and disappointment among the young peo- 
ple, of Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of 



T II E M N I K I N S . 1 8*^ 

tliis cause, and two great j^olitical parties had taken root in 
the unfortunate mistake of a young monikin of quality, who 
happened to lisp, and who used the fatal word indiscreetly. 
Tliat feud, however, was now happily appeased, having lasted 
only a century ; but it would be wise, as we were all three 
bachelors, to take note of the distinction. Captain Poke 
said he thought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, as he 
was much accustomed to the use of the word " switchel; but 
he thought it might be very well to go before some consul 
as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a formal protest of 
our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some advantage 
should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers ; that he in 
particular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be 
as furious as a hurricane, if by an accident, he should happen 
to forget himself. The matter was deferred for future delib 
eration. 

About this time, too, I had some more interesting commu- 
nications with Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private 
histories of all the party of which he was the principal 
member. It would seem that the philosopher, though rich 
in learning, and the proprietor of one of the best developed 
caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in the more 
vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed 
freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and 
through the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his 
fellows, he was obliged to seek an especial recipient for his 
surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil, in order to pro- 
vide for the small remains of the animal that still lingered 
in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of 
the noblest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient 
houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his instruction at a 
very tender age, as had my Lady Chatterissa under that of 
Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects. This young 
and accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, in 
monikin society, for their unusual graces of person, general 



188 TUB MONIKINS. 

attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of 
thought, and soundness of principles. Every thing was pro- 
pitious to the gentle flame which was kindled in the vestal 
bosom of Chatterissa, and which was met by a passion so 
ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in the heart 
of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective par- 
tics, so soon as the budding sympathy between them was 
observed, in order to prevent the blight of wishes so appro- 
priate, had called in the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-gen- 
eral of Leaphigh, an officer especially appointed by the king 
in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance of the propri- 
eties of all engagements that are likely to assume a character 
as grave and durable as that of marriage. Dr. Reasono 
showed me the certificate issued from the Marriage Depart- 
ment on this occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he 
had contrived to conceal within the lining of the Spanish hat 
the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, and which he still 
preserved as a document that was absolutely indispensable on 
his return to Leaphigh ; else he would never be permitted to 
travel afoot in company with two young people of birth 
and of good estates, who were of the different sexes, I trans- 
late the certificate, as literally as the poverty of the English 
lano^uage will allow. 



Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, 
Leaphigh, season of nuts, day of brightness. 

Vol. 7243, p. 82. 

Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952| acres of land; 
meadow, arable and wood in just proportions. 

Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999|- acres of land; 
mostly arable. 

Decree, as of record ; it is found that the lands of my Lady 
Chatterissa possess in quality what they want in quantity. 



THEMONIKINS. 189 

Lord Chatterino : Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bas- 
tardy — four descents pure — a suspicion — one descent pure — 
a certainty. 

Lady Chatterissa : Birth ; six descents pure — three bastar- 
dies — eleven descents pure — a certainty — a suspicion — un- 
known. 

Decree as of record ; it is found that the advantage is ou 
the side of my Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the 
estate on the other side is believed to equalize the parties. 

(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy. 

(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color. 

Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial to- 
gether, under the charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of 
Probabilities in the University of Leaphigh, LL. D., F. U. 
D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, licensed duenna. 

The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, 
and it might be so usefully introduced into our own, that it 
may be well to explain it. AVhenever it is found that a 
young couple are agreeable (to use a peculiarly anglicized 
anglicism), in all the more essential requisites of matrimony, 
they are sent on the journey in question, under the care of 
prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to ascertain 
how far they may be able to support, in each other's society, 
the ordinary vicissitudes of life. In the case of candidates 
of the more vulgar classes, there are official overseers, who 
usually drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then set 
them to work at some hard labor that is especially profitable 
to the public functionaries, who commonly get the greater 
part of their own year's work done in this manner. But, as 
the moral provisions of all laws are invented less for those 
who own 126,952f acres of land, divided into meadow, arable 
and wood, in just proportions, than for those whose virtues 
are more likely to yield to the fiery ordeal of temptation, the 



190 THE M ONIKINS. 

ricli and noble, after making a proper and usefiil manifesta« 
tion of their compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire to 
their country seats, where they pass the period of probation 
as agreeably as they can ; taking care to cause to be insert- 
ed in the Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from 
their letters, describing the pains and hardships they are 
compelled to endure, for the consolation and edification of 
those who have neither birth nor country houses. In a good 
many instances the journey is actually performed by proxy. 
But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady Chat- 
terissa formed an exception even to these exceptions. It 
was thought by the authorities, that the attachment of a 
pair so illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish 
the Leaphigh impartiality ; and, on the well-known prin- 
ciple which induces us sometimes to hang an earl in Eng- 
land, the young couple were commanded actually to go 
forth with all useful eclat (secret orders being given to their 
guardians to allow every possible indulgence, at the same 
time), in order that the lieges might see and exult in the stern- 
ness and integrity of their rulers. 

Dr. Beasono had accordingly taken his departure from the 
capital for the mountains, where he instructed his wards in a 
practical commentary of the ups and downs of life, by expos- 
ing them on the verges of precipices and in the delights of 
the most fertile valleys (which, as he justly observed, was 
the greater danger of the two), leading them over flinty 
paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their tempers ; and 
setting up establishments with the most awkward peasants 
for servants, to ascertain the depth of Chatterissa's philoso- 
phy; with a variety of similar ingenious devices, that will 
readily suggest themselves to all who have any matrimonial 
experience, whether they live in palaces or cottages. When 
this part of the trial was successfully terminated (the result 
having shown that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so 
far as mere temper was concerned), the whole party w^ere 



THE MONIKINS. 101 

ordered off to the barrier of ice, which divides the monikin 
from the human region, with a view to ascertain whether the 
warmth of their attachment was of a nature hhely to resist 
the freezing colUsions of the world. Here, unfortunately, 
(for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of Dr. Rea- 
sono, who was already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devour- 
ing ambition to become also M. O. R. E., led him into the 
extreme imprudence of pushing through an opening, where he 
Lad formerly discovered an island, on an ancient expedition 
of the same sort ; and on which island he thought he saw a 
rock, that formed a stratum of what he believed to be a portion 
of the forty thousand square miles that were discomposed 
by the great eruption of the earth's boiler. The philosopher 
foresaw a thousand interesting results that were dependent 
on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all the learn- 
ing of Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five hundred 
years before, in establishing the greatest distance to which 
any fragment had been thrown on that memorable occasion, 
great attention had latterly been given to the discovery of 
the least distance any fragment had been hurled. Perhaps I 
ought to speak tenderly of the consequences of a learned 
zeal, but it was entirely owing to this indiscretion that the 
whole party fell into the hands of certain mariners who 
were sealing on the northern shores of this very island, 
(friends and neighbors, as it afterward appeared, of Cap- 
tain Poke), who remorselessly seized upon the travellers, 
and sold them to a homeward-bound Indiaman, which they 
afterward fell in with near the island of St. Helena — St. 
Helena! the tomb of him who is a model to all posterity, 
for the moderation of his desires, the simplicity of his char- 
acter, a deep veneration for truth, profound reverence for 
justice, unwavering faith, and a clear appreciation of all the 
nobler virtues. 

We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. 
Reasono concluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to 



192 THE MONIKINS. 

Captain Poke, I solemnly asked that discerning and shrewd 
seaman, — 

" If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself 
of the past — if history would not do ample justice to the 
mighty dead — if certain names would not be consigned to 
everlasting infamy for chaining a hero to a rock; and wheth- 
er his country, the land of freemen, would ever have dis- 
graced itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance ?" 

The captain heard me very calmly ; then deliberately 
helping himself to some tobacco, he replied : — 

" Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we catch a fe- 
rocious critter', we always put it in a cage. I'm no great 
mathematician, as I've often told you ; but if my dog bites 
me once, I kick him — twice, I beat him — thrice, I chain 
him." 

Alas ! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that 
they have no sympathies with the sublime. All their ten- 
dencies are direct and common-sense like. To such men, 
Napoleon appears little better than one who lived among his 
fellows more in the character of a tiger tlian in that of a 
man. They condemn him because he could not reduce his 
own sense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their 
homebred morality. Among this number, it would now 
seem, was to be classed Captain Noah Poke. 

A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and 
his companions fell into human hands, has caused me to 
overlook one or two matters of lighter moment, that should 
not, in justice to myself, however, be entirely omitted. 

When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable sur- 
prise for the monikin party was prepared and executed. I 
had caused a certain number of jackets and trousers to be 
made of the skins of different animals, such as dogs, cats, 
sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, &c., &c., with the proper accom- 
paniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws ; and, when the ladiee 
came on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were no longer of- 



THE MONIKINS. 193 

fended by our rude innovations upon nature, but the whole 
crew were flying about the rigging, like so many animals of 
the different species named. Noah and myself appeared in 
the characters of sea-lions, the former having intimated that 
he understood the nature of that beast better than any other. 
Of course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, 
and handsomely acknowledged. 

I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be 
made of cotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, 
as we got near the Falkland Islands, the real skins were re- 
sumed, with promptitude, and I might add, with pleasure. 

Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the 
scheme, saying that he should not feel safe in a ship manned 
and officered altogether by wild beasts ; but, at last, he came 
to enjoy the thing as a good joke, never failing to hail the 
men, not by their names as formerly, but, as he expressed it 
himself, " by their natures ;" calling out " You cat, scratch 
this;" "You tiger, jump here;" "You hog, out of that 
dirt;" "You dog, scamper there;" "You horse, haul away," 
and divers other similar conceits, that singularly tickled his 
fancy. The men themselves took up the ball, which they . 
kept rolling, embellished with all sorts of nautical witti- 
cisms; their surname— they had but one, viz. Smith— being 
entirely dropped for the new appellations. Thus, the sounds 
of "Tom Dog," "Jack Cat," "Bill Tiger," "Sam Hog," and 
" Dick Horse," were flying about the decks from morning to 
night. 

Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. 
From the time the ship lost sight of Staten Land, wo had 
heavy weather, with hard gales from the southward and west- 
ward ; and we had the utmost diflSculty in making our south- 
ing. Observations now became a very difl5cult matter, the 
sun being invisible for a week at a time. The marine in- 
stinct of Noah, at this crisis, was of the last importance to 
all on board. He gave us the cheering assurance, however, 
9 



11)4 THE MONIKINS. 

from time to time, that we were going south, altliougli the 
mates declared that they knew not where the ship was, or 
whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor star having 
now been seen for more than a week. 

We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about 
a fortnight, when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, 
and called for the cabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no- 
denial voice, by the name of " You Bob Ape ;" for the duty 
of Robert requiring that he should be much about the per- 
sons of the monikin-s, I had given him a dress of apes' skins, 
as a garb that would be more congenial to their tastes than 
that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon forthcoming, 
and, as he approached his master, he quietly turned his face 
from him, receiving, as a matter of course, three or four 
smart admonitory hints, by way of letting him know that he 
was to be active in the performance of the duty on which he 
was about to be sent. On this occasion I made an odd dis- 
covery. Bob had profited by the dimensions of his lower 
garment, which had been cut for a much larger boy (one of 
those who had broken down in essaying the true Doric of 
"Sir"), by stuffing it with an old union-jack — a sort of "sar- 
vice," as he afterward told me, that saved him a good deal 
of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events, how- 
ever ; when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about 
manfully, and demanded the captain's pleasure. He was told 
to bring the largest and fairest pumpkin he could find, from 
the private stores of Mr. Poke, that navigator never going to 
sea without a store of articles that he termed " Stunin'tun 
food." The captain took the pumpkin between his legs, and 
carefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, 
leaving it a globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the 
tar-bucket ; and, with his fingers, traced various marks, which 
were pretty accurate outlines of the different continents and 
the larger islands of the world. The region near the south 
pole, however, he left untouched ; intimating that it contained 



THE MOKIKINS. 19o 

certain sealing islands, wliicli he considered pretty mncli as 
tlie private property of tlie Stunin'tunners. 

" Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pumpkin, " there 
is the 'arth, and here is the tar-pot — ^just mark down the 
position of your island of Leaphigh, if you please, according 
to the best accounts your academy has of the matter. Make 
a dab here and there, if you happen to know of any rocks 
and shoals. After that, you can lay down the island where 
you were captured, giving a general idee of its headlands and 
of the trending of the coast." 

Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all 
the desired objects with great readiness and skill. Noah 
examined the work, and seemed satisfied that he had fallen 
into the 'hands of a monikin who had very correct notions 
of bearings and distances, one, in short, on whose local 
knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He then 
projected the position of Stunin'tun, an occupation in which 
he took great delight, actually designing the meeting-house 
and the principal tavern ; after which, the chart was laid 
aside. 



190 TUEMONIKINS. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

HOW TO STEER SMALL — HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP — HOW 
TO GO CLEAR — A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW-DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE- 
STONES. 

Captain Poke ho longer deliberated about the course we 
were to steer. With his pumpkin for a chart, his instinct for 
an observation, and his nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer 
stood boldly to the southward ; or, at least, he ran dead be- 
fore a stiff gale, which, as he more than once affirmed, was 
as true a norther as if bred and born in the Canadas. 

After coursing over the billows at a tremendous rate, for 
a day and a night, the captain appeared on deck, with a face 
of unusual meaning, and a mind loaded with its own re- 
flections, as was proved by his winking knowingly whenever 
he delivered himself of a sentiment ; a habit that he had 
most probably contracted, in early youth, at Stunin'tun, 
for it seemed to be quite as inveterate as it was thorough- 
bred. 

"We shall soon know. Sir John," he observed, hitching 
the sea-lion skin into symmetry, "whether it is sink or 
swim !" 

"Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke," cried I, in a little 
alarm. " If any thing serious is to happen, you are bound 
to give timely notice." 

" Death is always untimely to some critturs, Sir John." 

" Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast away the 
6hip?" 

" Not if I can help it, Sir John ; but a craft that is fore- 
ordained to be a wrack, will be a wrack, in spite of reefing 



THE MONIKINS. lOY 

and bracing. Look ahead, you Dick Lion — ay, there you 
have it!" 

There we had it, sure enough ! I can only compare the 
scene which now met my eyes, to a sudden view of the range 
of the Oberland Alps, when the spectator is unexpectedly 
placed on the verge of the precipice of the Weissenstein. There 
he would see before him a boundless barrier of glittering 
ice, broken into the glorious and fantastic forms of pinnacles, 
walls and valleys ; while here, we saw all that was sublime 
in such a view heightened by the fearful action of the bois- 
terous ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary in 
ceaseless violence. 

"Good God! Captain Poke," I exclaimed, the instant I 
caught a glimpse of the formidable danger that menaced us, 
"you surely do not mean to continue madly on, with such a 
warning of the consequences in plain view ?" 

"What would you have, Sir John? Leaphigh lies on the 
t'other side of these ice-islands !" 

"But you need not run the ship against them — why not 
go round them ?" 

" Because they go round the 'arth, in this latitude. Now 
is the time to speak. Sir John. If we are bound to Leaphigh, 
we have the choice of three pretty desperate chances ; to go 
through, to go under, or to go over that there ice. If we 
are to put back, there is not a moment to lose, for it may be 
even now questioned whether the ship would claw off, as wc 
are, with a sending sea, and this heavy norther." 

I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have given up 
all my social stakes to be well rid of the adventure. Still 
pride, that substitute for so many virtues, the greatest and the 
most potent of all hypocrites, forbade my betraying the desire 
to retreat. I deliberated, while the ship flew ; and when, at 
length, I turned to the captain to suggest a doubt that might, 
at an earlier notice, possibly have changed the whole aspect 
of affairs, he bluntl} told me it was too late. It was safer to 



198 THE MONIKINS. 

proceed tlian to return, if indeed, return were possible, in 
the present state of tlie winds and waves. Making a merit 
of necessity, I braced my nerves to meet the crisis, and re- 
mained a submissive, and, apparently, a calm spectator of 
that which followed. 

The Walrus (such was the name of our good ship) by this 
time was under easy canvas, and yet, urged by the gale, she 
rolled down with alarming velocity toward the boundary of 
foam where the congealed and the still liquid element held 
their strife. The summits of the frozen crags waved in their 
glittering glory in a way just to show that they were afloat; 
and I remembered to have heard that, at times, as their bases 
melted, entire mountains had been known to roll over, in- 
gulfing all that lay beneath. To me it seemed but a mo- 
ment, before the ship was fairly overshadowed by these 
shining cliffs, which, gently undulating, waved their frozen 
summits nearly a thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah, in 
alarm, for it appeared to me that he intentionally precipitated 
us to destruction. But, just as I was about to remonstrate, 
he made a sign with his hand, and the vessel was brought to 
the wind. Still retreat was impossible ; for the heave of the 
sea was too powerful, and the wind too heavy, to leave us 
any hope of long keeping the Walrus from drifting down 
upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy glory to leeward. 
Nor did Captain Poke himself seem to entertain any such 
design ; for, instead of hugging the gale, in order to haul off 
from the danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly 
square, and we were now running, at a great rate, in a line 
nearly parallel with the frozen coast, though gradually set- 
ting upon it. 

"Keep full ! Let her go through water, you Jim Tiger," 
said the old sealer, whose professional ardor was fairly aroused. 
" Now, Sir John, unluckily, we are on the wrong side of 
these ice mountains, for the plain reason that Leaphigh lies 
to the south' ard of them. We must be stirring, thereforCi 



THE MONIKINS. 199 

for no craft that was ever launclied could keep off these crags 
v/ith such a gale driving home upon them, for more than an 
hour or two. Our great concern, at present, is to look out 
for a hole to run into." 

" Why have you come so close to the danger, with youi 
knowledge of the consequences?" 

"To own the truth. Sir John, natur' is natur', and I'm 
getting to be a little near-sighted as I grow old ; besides, I'm 
not so sartain that danger is the more dangerous, for taking 
a good, steady look plump in its face." 

Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he wished no 
answer, and both of us were immediately occupied in gazing 
anxiously to leeward. The ship was just opening a small 
cove in the ice, which might have been a cable's length in 
depth, and a quarter of a mile across its outer, or the widest 
part. Its form was regular, being that of a semicircle ; but, 
at its bottom, the ice, instead of forming a continued barrier, 
like all the rest v/e had yet passed, was separated by a nar- 
row opening, that was bounded on each side by a frowning 
precipice. The two bergs were evidently drawing nearer 
to each other, but there was still a strait, or a watery gorge 
between them, of some two hundred feet in width. As the 
ship plunged onward, the pass was opened, and we caught a 
glimpse of the distant view to leeward. It was merely a 
glimpse — the impatient Walrus allowing us but a moment 
for examination — but it appeared sufficient for the purposes 
of the old sealer. We were already across the mouth of the 
cove, and within a cable's length of the ice again ; for as we 
drew near what may be called the little cape, we found our- 
selves once more in closer proximity to the menacing moun- 
tain. It was a moment when all depended on decision ; and 
fortunately, our sealer, who was so wary and procrastinating 
in a bargain, never had occasion to make two drafts on his 
thoughts, in situations of emergency. As the ship cleared 
the promontory on the eastern side of the cove, we again 



200 THE MONIKINS. 

oj^ened a curvatuie of tlie ice, which gave a httle more watci 
to leeward. Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put 
hard aweather. The bow of the Walrus fell off, and as she 
rose on the next wave, I thought its send would carry us 
helplessly down upon the berg. But the good craft, obedi- 
ent to her rudder, whirled round, as if sensible herself of 
the danger, and, in less time than I had ever before known 
her to wear, we felt the wind on the other quarter. Our 
cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there was no one there, 
Captain Noah Poke excepted, whose heart did not beat quick 
and hard. In much less time than usual, the yards were 
braced up on the other tack, and the ship was ploughing 
heavily against the sea, with her head to the westward. It 
is impossible to give one who has never been in such a situa- 
tion, a just idea of the feverish impatience, the sinking and 
mounting of hope, as we watch the crab-like movement of a 
vessel that is clawing off a lee-shore, in a gale. In the pres- 
ent case, it being well known that the sea Avas fathomless, wc 
had run so near the danger that not even the smallest of its 
horrors was veiled from sight. 

While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds fast shut- 
ting in to windward, by the interposition of the promontory 
of ice— the certain sign that our drift was rapid — and, as we 
drew nearer to the point, breathing became labored and even 
audible. Here Noah took a chew of tobacco, I presume on 
the principle of enjoying a last quid, should the elements 
prove fatal ; and then he went to the wheel in person. 

" Let her go through the water," he said, easing the helm 
a little — "let her jog ahead, or we shall lose command of 
her in this devil's-pot !" 

The vessel felt the slight change, and drew faster through 
the foaming brine, bringing us, with increasing velocity, 
nearer to the dreaded point. As we came up to the promon- 
tory the water fell back in spray on the decks, and there 
was an instant when it appeared as if the wind was about 



THE MONIKINS. 201 

to desert us. Happily the sbip had drawn so far ahead as 
to feel the good effects of a slight change of current that 
was caused by the air rushing obliquely into the cove ; and, 
as Noah, by easing the helm still more, had anticipated this 
alteration, which had been felt adversely but a moment be- 
fore, while struggling to the eastward of the promontory, wo 
drew swiftly past the icy cape, opening the cove handsomely 
with the ship's head falling off fast toward the gorge. 

There was but a minute or two, for squaring the yards and 
obtaining the proper position to windward of the narrow 
strait. Instead of running down in a direct line for the lat- 
ter, Captain Poke kept the ship on such a course as to lay it 
well open, before her head was pointed toward the passage. 
By this time, the two bergs had drawn so near each other as 
actually to form an arch across its mouth ; and this, too, at a 
part so low as to render it questionable whether there was 
sufficient elevation to permit the Walrus to pass beneath. 
But retreat was impossible, the gale urging the ship furiously 
onward. The width of the passage was now but little more 
than a hundred feet, and it actually required the nicest steer- 
age to keep our yard-arms clear of the opposite precipices, 
as the vessel dashed, with foaming bows, into the gorge. 
The wind drew through the opening with tremendous vio- 
lence, fairly howling, as if in delight at discovering a passage 
by which it might continue its furious career. We may have 
been aided by the sucking of the wind and the waves, both 
of which were irresistibly drawn toward the pass, or it is 
quite probable that the skill of Captain Poke did us good 
service on this awful occasion ; but, owing to the one or the 
other, or to the two causes united, the Walrus shot into the 
gorge so accurately, as to avoid touching cither of the lateral 
margins of the ice. We were not so fortunate, however, 
wuth the loftier spars ; for scarcely was the vessel beneath the 
arch, when she lifted on a swell, and her main-top-gallant- 
mast snapped off in the cap. The ice groaned and cracked 



202 THE MONIKIKS. 

over our heads, and large fragments fell both ahead and 
astern of us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks. 
One large j^iece came down within an inch of the extremity 
of Dr. Reasono's tail, just escaping the dire calamity of knock- 
ing out the brains of that profound and philo-monikin philoso- 
pher. In another instant the ship was through the pass, 
which completely closed, with the crash of an earthquake, 
as soon as possible afterward. 

Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly toward the south, 
along a channel less than a quarter of a mile in width, the 
bergs evidently closing on each side of us, and the ship, as 
if conscious of her jeopardy, doing her utmost, with Captain 
Poke still at the Avlieel. In little more than an hour, the 
worst was over — the Walrus issuing into an open basin of 
several leagues in extont, which was, however, completely 
encircled by the frozen mountains. Here Noah took a look 
at the pumpkin, after which he made no ceremony in plump- 
ly telling Dr. Reasono that he had been greatly mistaken in 
laying down the position of Captivity Island, as he himself 
had named the spot where the amiable strangers had fallen 
into human hands. The philosopher was a little tenacious 
of his opinion ; but what is argument in the face of facts ? 
Here was the pumpkin, and there were the blue waters ! The 
captain now quite frankly declared that he had great doubts 
whether there was any suck place as Leaphigh at all ; and as 
the ship had a capital position for such an object, he bluntly, 
though privately proposed to me, that we should throw all 
the monikins overboard, project the entire polar basin on his 
chart as being entirely free from islands, and then go a seal- 
ing. I rejected the propositions, firstly, as premature ; sec- 
ondly, as inhuman; thirdly, as inhospitable; fourthly, as 
inconvenient ; and lastly, as impracticable. 

There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy be- 
tween us on this point ; for Mr. Poke had begun to warm, 
and to swear that one good seal, of the true quality of fur, 



THE MONIKINS, 203 

was worth a hundred moukcys ; when most happily the pan- 
ther at the masthead cried out that two of the largest mouu' 
tains, to the southward of us, were separating, and that he 
could discern a passage into another basin. Hereupon Cap- 
tain Poke concentrated his oaths, which he caused to explode 
like a bomb, and instantly made sail again in the proper 
direction. By three o'clock, P. M., we had run the gauntlet 
of the bergs a second time, and were at least a degree nearer 
the pole, in the basin just alluded to. 

The mountains had now entirely disappeared in the south- 
ern board ; but the sea was covered, far as the eye could 
reach, with field-ice. Noah stood on, without apprehension ; 
for the water had been smooth ever since we entered the 
first opening, the wind not having rake enough to knock up 
a swell. When about a mile from the margin of the frozen 
and seemingly interminable plain, the ship Avns brought to 
the wind, and hove-to. 

Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had been six sets 
of spars of a form so singular, lying among the booms, that 
they had often been the subject of conversation between the 
mates and myself, neither of the former being able to tell 
their uses. These sticks w^ere of no great length, some fifteen 
feet at the most, of sound English oak. Two or three pairs 
were alike, for they were in pairs, each pair 'having one of 
the sides of a shape resembling different parts of the ship's 
bottom, with the exception that they wxre chiefly concave, 
while the bottom of a vessel is mainly convex. At one ex- 
tremity each pair was firmly connected by a short, massive, 
iron link, of about two feet in length ; and, at its opposite 
end, a large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, Avliere it was 
securely forelocked. When the Walrus was stationary, we 
learned, for the first time, the uses of these unusual prepara- 
tions. A pair of the timbers, which were of great solidity 
and strength, were dropped over the stern, and, sinking be- 
neath the keel, their upper extremities were separated by 



204 THE MONIKINS. 

means of iLiiiyards turned into the cyc-bolts. The lanyards 
were then brought forward to the bilge of the vessel, where, 
by the help of tackles, the timbers were rowsed up in such a 
manner that the links came close to the false keel, and the 
timbers themselves were laid snug against each side of the 
ship. As great care had been taken, by means of marks on 
the vessel, as well as in forming the skids themselves, the 
fit was perfect. No less than five pairs were secured in and 
near the bilge, and as many more were distributed forward 
and aft, according to the shape of the bottom. Fore-and-aft 
pieces, that reached from one skid to the other, w^ere then 
placed between those about the bilge of the ship, each of 
them having a certain number of short ribs, extending up- 
ward and downward. These fore-and-aft pieces were laid 
along the water-line, their ends entering the skids by means 
of mortices and tenons, where they were snugly bolted. The 
result of the entire arrangement w^as, to give the vessel an 
exterior protection against the field-ice, by means of a sort 
of network of timber, the whole of which had been so accu- 
rately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally on her frame. 
These preparations were not fairly completed before ten 
o'clock on the following morning, when JSToah stood directly 
for an opening in the ice before us, which just about that 
time began to be apparent. 

" We sha'nt go so fast for our armor," observed the cau- 
tious old sealer ; " but what we want in heels, we'll make up 
in bottom." 

For the whole of that day we worked our devious course, 
by great labor and at uncertain intervals, to the southward ; 
and at night we fastened the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for 
the return of light. Just as the day dawned, however, I 
heard a tremendous grating sound against the side of the ves- 
sel ; and rushing on deck, I found that we were completely 
caught between two immense fields, which seemed to be at- 
tracted toward each other for no other apparent purpose 



THE M0NIKIN3. 205 

tbaii to crush us. Here it was tliat tlie expedient of Captain 
Poke made manifest its merits. Protected by the massive 
timbers and false ribs, tbe bilge of the ship resisted tlie 
pressure ; and as, under such circumstances, something must 
yield, luckily nothing but the attraction of gravitation was 
overcome. The skids, through their inclination, acted as 
wedges, the links pressing against the keel; and in the 
course of an hour the Walrus was gradually lifted out of the 
water, maintaining her upright position, in consequence of 
the powerful nip of the floes. No sooner was this experi- 
ment handsomely effected, than Mr. Poke jumped upon the 
ice, and commenced an examination of the ship's bottom. 

" Here's a dry-dock for you, Sir John !" exclaimed the old 
scaler, chuckling. " I'll have a patent for this, the moment 
I put foot ag'in in Stunin'tun." 

A feeling of security, to which I had been a stranger ever 
since we entered the ice, was created by the composure of 
Noah, and by his self-congratulation at what he called his 
project to get a look at the AValrus's bottom. Notwithstand- 
ing all the fine declarations of exultation and success, how- 
ever, that he flourished among us who were not mariners, I 
was much disposed to think that, like other men of extraor- 
dinary genius, he had blundered on the grand result of his 
"ice-screws," and that it was not foreseen and calculated. 
Let this be as it may, however, all hands were soon on the 
floe, with brooms, scrapers, hammers and nails, and the 
opportunity of repairing and cleaning was thoroughly im- 
proved. 

For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained in the same 
attitude, stiff as a church, and some of us began to entertain- 
apprehensions that she might be kept on her frozen blocks 
forever. The accident had happened, according to the state- 
ments of Captain Poke, in lat. '78° 13' 26"— although I 
never knew in what manner he ascertained the important 
particular of our j)i"ccisc situation. Thinking it might be 



20G THE M0NIKIN8. 

well to get some more accurate ideas on this sabject, after so 
long and ticklish a run, I procured tlie quadrant from Bob 
Ape, and brought it down upon the ice, where I made it a 
point, as an especial favor, the weather being favorable and 
the proper hour near, that our commander would correct his 
instinct by a solar observation. Noah protested that your 
old seaman, especially if a sealer and a Stunin'tunner, had 
no occasion for such geometry operations, as he termed 
them ; that it might be well enough, perhaps necessary, for 
your counting-house, silk-gloved captains, who run between 
New York and Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and 
polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew where 
they were, except at such times ; but as for himself, he had 
little need of turning star-gazer at his time of life, and that 
as he had already told me, he was getting to be near-sighted, 
and had some doubts whether he could discern an object 
like the sun, that was known to be so many thousands of 
millions of miles from the earth. These scruples, however, 
were overcome by my cleaning the glasses, preparing a barrel 
for him to stand on, that he might be at the customary ele- 
vation above his horizon, and putting the instrument into his 
hands, the mates standing near, ready to make the calcula- 
tions when he gave the sun's declination. 

" We are drifting south' ard, I know," said Mr. Poke before 
he commenced his sight — " I feel it in my bones. We are, 
at this moment, in '79° 36' 14" — having made a southerly 
drift of more than eighty miles since yesterday noon. Now 
mind my words, and see what the sun will say about it." 

When the calculations* were made, our latitude was found 
to be 79° 35' 47". Noah was somewhat puzzled by the 
difference, for which he could in no plausible way account, 
as the observation had been unusually good and certain. 
But an opinionated and an ingenious man is seldom at a loss 
to find a sufficient reason to establish his own correctness, or 
to prove the mistakes of others. 



THE MONIKINS. 207 

"Ay, I see how it is," he said, after a little cogitation, 
" the sun must be wrong — it should be no wonder if the sun 
did get a little out of his track in these high, cold latitudes. 
Yes, yes ; the sun must be wrong." 

T was too much delighted at being certain we were going 
on our course to dispute the point, and the great luminary 
was abandoned to the imputation of sometimes being in 
error. Dr. Reasono took occasion to say, in my private ear, 
that there was a sect of philosophers in Leaphigh, who had 
long distrusted the accuracy of the planetaiy system, and 
who had even thrown out hints that the earth, in its annual 
revolution, moved in a direction absolutely contrary to that 
which nature had contemplated when she gave the original 
polar impulse ; but that, as regarded himself, he thought 
very little of these opinions, as he had frequent occasion to 
observe that there was a large class of monikins whose 
ideas always went up hill. 

For two more days and as many nights, we continued to 
drift with the floes to the southward, or as near as might be, 
toward the haven of our wishes. On the fourth morning, there 
was a suitable change in the weather ; both thermometer and 
barometer rose ; the air became more bland, and most of our 
cats and dogs, notwithstanding we were still surrounded by 
the ice, began to cast their skins. Dr. Reasono noted these 
signs, and stepping on the floe, he brought back with him a 
considerable fragment of the frozen element. This was car- 
ried to the camboose, where it was subjected to the action 
of fire, which, within a given number of minutes, pretty 
much as a matter of course, as I thought, caused it to melt. 
The whole process was watched with an anxiety the most 
intense, by the whole of the monikins, however ; and when 
the result was announced, the amiable and lovely Chattcrissa 
clapped her prc4ty little jm^^e^ with joy, and gave all the 
other natural indications of delight, which characterize the 
emotions of that gentle sex of Avhich she was so bright an 



208 THE MONIKINS. 

ornament. Dr. Reasono was not backward in explaining the 
cause of so mucli unusual exhilaration, for hitherto her man- 
ner had been characterized by the well-bred and sophisticated 
restraint which marks high training. The experiment had 
shown, by the infallible and scientific tests of monikin chem- 
istry, tiat we were now within the influence of a steam- 
climate, and there could no longer be any rational doubt of 
our eventual arrival in the polar basin. 

The result proved that the philosopher was right. About 
noon the floes, which all that day had begun to assume what 
is termed a " sloppy character," suddenly gave way, and the 
Walrus settled down into her proper element, with great 
equanimity and propriety. Captain Poke lost no time in 
unshii^ping the skids ; and a smacking breeze, that was well 
saturated with steam, springing up from the westward, we 
made sail. Our course was due south, without regard to the 
ice, which yielded before our bows like so much thick water, 
and just as the sun set, we entered the open sea, rioting in 
the luxuriance of its genial climate, in triumph. 

Sail was carrried on the ship all that night ; and just as 
the day dawned, we made the first mile-stone, a proof, not 
to be mistaken, that we were now actually within the moni- 
kin region. Dr. Reasono had the goodness to explain to us 
the history of these aquatic phenomena. It would seem 
that when the earth exploded, its entire crust, throughout the 
whole of this part of the world, was started upward in such 
a way as to give a very uniform depth to the sea, which in 
no place exceeds four fathoms. It follows, as a consequence, 
that no prevalence of northerly winds can force the icebergs 
beyond 78° of south latitude, as they invariably ground on 
reaching the outer edge of the polar bank. The floes, being 
thin, are melted of course ; and thus, by this beneficent pre- 
vention, the monikin world is kept entirely free from the 
very danger to which a vulgar mind would be the most apt 
to believe it is the most exposed. 



THE MONIKINS. 209 

A congress of nations had been held, abont five centuries 
since, which was called the Holy-philo-marine-safety-and-find- 
the-way Alliance. At this congress the high contracting 
parties agreed to name a commission to make provision, gen- 
erally, for i;he secure navigation of the seas. One of the 
expedients of this commission, which, by the way, is said to 
have been composed of very illustrious monikins, was to 
3ause massive blocks of stone to be laid down, at measured 
distances, throughout the whole of the basin, and in which 
other stone uprights were secured. The necessary inscrip- 
tions were graved on proper tablets, and as we approached 
tbe one already named, I observed that it had the image of 
a monikin, carved also in stone, with his tail extended in a 
right line, pointing, as Mr. Poke assured me, S. and by W. 
half W. I had made sufficient progress in the monikin lan- 
guage, to read, as we glided past this water-mark — "To 
Leaphigh, 15 miles." One monikin mile, however, we were 
next told, was equal to nine English statute miles ; and, con- 
sequently, we were not so near our port as was at first sup- 
posed. I expressed great satisfaction at finding ourselves so 
fairly on the road, however, and paid Dr. Reasono some well- 
merited compliments on the high state of civilization to 
which his species had evidently arrived. The day was not 
distant, I added, when it was reasonable to suppose, our own 
seas would have floating restaurants and cafes^ with suitable 
pot-houses for the mariners ; though I did not well see how 
we were to provide a substitute for their own excellent orga- 
nization of mile-stones. The Doctor received my compli- 
ments with becoming modesty, saying that he had no doubt 
mankind would do all that lay in their power to have good 
eating and drinking houses, wherever they could be estab- 
lished ; but as to the marine mile-stones, he agreed with me, 
that there was little hope of their being planted, until the 
crust of the earth should be driven upward, so as to rise 
within four fathoms of the surface of the water. On tho 



210 THE MONIKINS. 

other baud, Captain Poke held this latter improvement very 
cheap. He affirmed it was no sign of civilization at all, for, 
as a man became civilized, he had less need of primers and 
finger-boards ; and, as for Leaphigh, any tolerable navigator 
could see it bore S. by W. half W. allowing for variation, 
distant 135 English miles. To these objections I was silent, 
for I had frequent occasion to observe that men very often 
underrate any advantage of which they have come into the 
enjoyment by a providential interposition. 

Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of "land 
ahead" was heard from aloft. The monikins were all smiles 
and gratitude ; the crew were excited by admiration and won 
der ; and as for myself, I was literally ready to jump out ol 
my skin, not only with delight, but, in some measure also, 
from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere. Our cats 
and dogs began to uncase ; J>ob was obliged to unmask his 
most exposed frontier, by removing the union-jack; and 
Noah himself fairly appeared on deck in his shirt and night- 
cap. The amiable strangers were too much occupied to be 
particular, and I slipped into my state-room to change my 
toilet to a dress of thin silk, that was painted to resemble 
the skin of a polar bear — a contradiction between things 
that is much too common in our species ever to be deemed 
out of fashion. 

We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a 
steam-breeze, and just as the sun sunk in the horizon our 
anchor was let go, in the outer harbor of the f ity of Aggre- 
gation. 



THEMONIKINS. 211 



CHAPTER XV. 

AST ARiaVAL — FORMS OP RECEPTION — SETERAL NEW CURISTENINGS — AN 
OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, AND TERRA FIRMA. 

It is alwa3^s agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long, 
fatiguing, and hazardous journey. But the pleasure is con- 
siderably augmented when the visit is paid to a novel region, 
with a steam-climate, and which is peopled by a new species. 
My own satisfaction, too, was coupled with the reflection 
that I had been of real service to four very interesting and 
well-bred strangers, who had been cast, by an adverse for- 
tune, into the hands of humanity, and who owed to me a 
boon far more precious than life itself — a restoration to their 
natural and acquired rights, their proper stations in society, 
and sacred liberty ! The reader will judge, therefore, with 
what inward self-congratulation I now received the acknowl- 
edgments of the whole monikin party, and listened to their 
most solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all they 
might jointly and severally possess in the way of estates and 
dignities, at my entire disposal, but their persons as my 
slaves. Of course, I made as light as possible of any little 
service I might have done them, protesting in my turn, that 
I looked upon the whole affair more in the light of a party 
of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had not only 
obtained an insight into a new philosophy, but that I w^as 
already, thanks to the decimal system, a tolerable proficient 
in their ancient and learned language. These civilities were 
scarcely well over, before we were boarded by the boat of 
the port-captain. 

The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create 



212 tHEMONIKINS. 

excitement in a monikin country ; and as our approach had 
been witnessed for several hours, preparations had been made 
to give us a proper reception. The section of the academy 
to whom is committed the custody of the " Science of Indi- 
cations," was hastily assembled by order of the king, who, 
by the way, never speaks except through the mouth of his 
oldest male first cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the 
realm, is held responsible for all his official acts (in private, 
the king is allowed almost as many privileges as any other 
monikin), and who, as is due to him in siinple justice, is 
permitted to exercise, in a public point of view, the functions 
of the eyes, ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch. 
The savans were active, and as they proceeded with method, 
and on well-established principles, their report was quickly 
made. It contained, as we afterward understood, seven 
sheets of premises, eleven of argument, sixteen of conjecture, 
and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft on the moni- 
kin intellect, was duly achieved by dividing the work into as 
many parts as there were members of the section present, 
viz. forty. The substance of their labors was, to say that 
the vessel in sight was a strange vessel ; that it came to a 
strange country, on a strange errand, being manned by stran- 
gers ; and that its objects were more likely to be peaceful 
than warlike, since the glasses of the academy did not enable 
them to discover any means of annoyance, with the excep- 
tion of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to bo 
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this was sen- 
tcntiously expressed in the purest monikin language. The 
effect of the report was, to cause all hostile preparations to 
1)0 abandoned. 

No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the 
shore, with th<5 news that the strange ship had arrived with 
my Lord Chatterino, my Lady Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono, 
than there was a general burst of joy along the strand. In 
a very short time, the king — alias his eldest first cousin of 



THE MONIKINS. 213 

the male gender — ordered the usual compliments to be paid 
to his distinguished subjects. A deputation of young lords, 
the hopes of Leaphigh, came off to receive their colleague ; 
whilst a bevy of beautiful maidens, of noble birth, crowded 
around the smiling and graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her 
heart with their caressing manners and felicitations. The 
noble pair left us in separate boats, each attended by an ap- 
propriate escort. We overlooked the little neglect of forget- 
ting to take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both 
beside themselves. Next came a long procession composed 
of high numbers, all of the " brown-study color." These 
learned and dignified persons were a deputation from the 
academy, which had sent forth no less than forty of its number 
to receive Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving 
friends of monildnity and of knowledge, was conducted on 
the most approved principles of reason. Each section (there 
are forty in the academy of Leaphigh) made an address, to 
all of which the Doctor returned suitable replies, always 
using exactly the same sentiments, but varying the subject 
by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to be composed 
by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters of 
the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to 
my surprise paying not a whit more attention to Captain 
Poke and myself, than would be paid in any highly civilized 
country of Christendom, on a similar occasion, by a collec- 
tion of the learned, to the accidental presence of two mon- 
keys. I thought this augured badly, and began to feel as 
became Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in 
the kingdom of Great Britain, when my sensations were 
nipped in the bud by the arrival of the officers of registra- 
tion and circulation. It was the duty of the latter to give 
us the proper passports to enter into and to circulate within 
the country, after the former had properly enregistered our 
numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us within the 
reach of taxation. The ofiicer of registration was very 



214 THE MONIKINS. 

expeditious from long practice. He decided, at once, that 1 
formed a new class by myself; of which, of course, I was 
No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed another, Nos. 
1, 2 and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the honors 
of No. 1 ; and the crew formed a fresh class, being numbered 
according to height, as the register deemed their merits to be 
altogether physical. Next came the important point of 
color, on which depended the quality of the class or caste^ 
the numbers merely indicating our respective stations in the 
particular divisions. After a good deal of deliberation, and 
many interrogatories, I was cnregistered as No. 1, flesh-color. 
Noah as No. 1, sea-water color, and his mates 2 and 3, ac- 
cordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-color, and the crew as Nos. 
1, 2, 3, &c., tar-color. The officer now called upon an assist 
ant to come forth with a sort of knitting-needle heated red- 
hot, in order to affix the official stamp to each in succession. 
Luckily for us all, Noah happened to be the first to whom 
the agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase and to 
prepare for the operation. The result was one of those bursts 
of eloquent and logical vituperation, and of remonstrating 
outcries, to which any new personal exaction never failed to 
give birth in the sealer. His discourse on this occasion 
might be divided into the several following heads, all of 
which were very ingeniously embellished by the usual exple- 
tives and imagery : — " He was not a beast to be branded like 
a horse, nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger ; he saw 
no use in applying the marks to men, who were sufficiently 
distinguished from monkeys already ; Sir John had a handle 
before his name, and if he liked it, he might carry his name 
behind his body, by way of counterpoise, but for his part, he 
wanted no outriggers of the sort, being satisfied with plain 
Noah Poke ; he was a republican, and it was anti-republican 
for a man to carry about with him graven images ; he thought 
it might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures, or what 
was worse, turnino; liis back on them; he said that the 



THE MONIKINS. 216 

Walrus Lad lier name, in o'ood leo-ible characters on lier 
starn, and tliat might answer for both of them ; he protested, 
d — n his eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief ; he 
incontinently wished the keeper of the privy seal to the 
d — 1; he insisted there was no use in the practice, unless one 
threw all aback, and went starn foremost into society, a rude- 
ness at which human natur' revolted; he knew a man in 
Stunin'tun who had fiv^e names, and he should like to know 
what they would do with him, if this practice should come 
into fashion there ; he had no objection to a little paint, but 
no red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance with 
his flesh, so long as he walked his quarter-deck." 

The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance v/ith 
singular patience and decorum ; a forbearance that was 
probably owing to his not understanding a word that had 
been said. But there is a language that is universal, and it 
is not less easy to comprehend when a man is in a passion, 
than it is to comprehend any other irritated animal. The 
oflBcer of the registration department, on this hint, politely 
inquired of me, if some part of his official duties were not 
particularly disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my 
admitting that the captain was reluctant to be branded, he 
merely shrugged his shoulders, and observed that the exac- 
tions of the public were seldom agreeable, but that duty was 
duty, that the stamp act was peremptory, aud not a foot of 
ours could touch Leaphigh until we were all checked off in 
this manner, in exact conformity with the registration. I was 
much puzzled what to do, by this indomitable purpose to 
perform his duty in the officer; for, to own the truth, my own 
cuticle had quite as much aversion to the operation, as that 
of Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle so much 
as the novelty of its application which distressed me; for I 
had travelled too much not to know that a stranger rarely 
enters a civilized country without being more or less skinned, 
the merest savages only permitting him to pass unscathed, 



210 THE MONIKINS. 

It suddenly came to my recollection tliat tlie monikins liad 
left all the remains of their particular stores on board, con- 
sisting of an ample supply of delicious nuts. Sending for a 
bag of the best of them, I ordered it to be put into the regis- 
ter's boat, informing him at the same time, that I was con- 
scious they were quite unworthy of him, but that I hoped, 
such as they were, he would allow me to make an offering 
of them to his wife. This attention was properly felt and 
received ; and a few minutes afterward, a certificate in the 
following words was put into my hands, viz. : — 

" Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance : Where- 
as, certain persons of the human species have lately presented 
themselves to be enregistered, according to the statute ' for 
the promotion of order and classification, and for the collec- 
tion of contributions ;' and ivhereas, these persons are yet in 
the second class of the animal probation, and are more sub- 
ject to bodily impressions than the higher, or monikin spe- 
cies : Now, know all monikins, &c., that they are sia77iped 
in paint, and that only by their numbers ; each class among 
them being easily to be distinguished from the others, by 
outward and indelible proofs. 

" Signed, 

"No. 8,020 office-color." 

I was told that all we had to do now, was to mark our- 
selves with paint or tar, as we might choose, the latter being 
recommended for the crew ; taking no farther trouble than 
to number ourselves ; and when we went ashore, if any of 
the gens-d'armes inquired why we had not the legal impres 
sion on our persons, which quite possibly w^ould be the case, 
as the law was absolute in its requisitions, all we had to do 
was to show the certificate ; but if the certificate was not 
sufiicient, we were men of the world, and understood the 
rature of things so well, that we did not require to be taught 



THE MONIKINS. 217 

SO simple a proposition in philosophy, as that which savs, 
" like causes produce like effects ;" and he presumed I could 
not have so far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole 
of my nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not very sorry to 
hear the officer throw out these hints, for they convinced me 
that my journey through Leaphigh would be accompanied 
with less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since I now 
plainly perceived that monikins act on principles that arc 
not very essentially different from those of the human race 
in general. 

The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal 
Look their departure together, when we forthwith proceeded 
to number ourselves in compliance with his advice. As the 
principle was already settled, we had no difficulty with its 
application, JSToah, Bob, myself, and the largest of the seamen 
being all Nos. 1, and the rest ranking in order. By this 
time it was night. The guard-boats began to appear on the 
water, and we deferred disembarking until morning. 

All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that 
Captain Poke and myself, attended by Bob, as a domestic, 
were to land, in order to make a journey through the island, 
while the AValrus was to be left in charge of the mates and 
the crew; the latter having permission to go ashore, from time 
to time, as is the practice with all seamen in port. There was 
a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving, before 
the whole party could appear on deck, properly attired for 
the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a thin dress of linen, admir- 
ably designed to make him look like a sea-lion ; a conceit 
that he said was not only agreeable to his feelings and habits, 
but which had a cool and pleasant character that was alto- 
gether suited to a steam-climate. For my own part, I agreed 
with the worthy sealer, Seeing but little difference between 
his going in this garb, and his going quite naked. My dress 
was made, on a design of my own, after the social-stake 
system ; or, in other words, it was so arranged as to take an 
10 



218 THE MONIKINS. 

interest in half of the animals of Exeter 'Change, to which 
menagerie the artist by whom it had been painted was sent 
cxpressfy, in order to consult nature. Bob wore the effigy, 
as his master called it, of a turnspit. 

The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us 
when we landed, with an impertinent and troublesome curi- 
osity. So far from this, we were permitted to approach the 
capital itself without let or hindrance. As it is less my 
intention to describe physical things than to dwell upon the 
philosophy and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigb 
world, little more will be said of their houses, domestic econ- 
omy, and other improvements in the arts, than may be gath- 
ered incidentally, as the narrative shall proceed. Let it 
suffice to say on these heads, that the Leaphigh monikins, 
like men, consult, or think they consult — which, so long as 
they know no better, amounts to pretty much the same thing 
— their own convenience in all things, the pocket alone 
excepted; and that they continue very laudably to do as 
their fathers did before them, seldom making changes, unless 
they may happen to possess the recommendation of bemg ex- 
otics ; when, indeed, they are sometimes adopted, probably 
on account of their possessing the merit of having been 
proved suitable to another state of things. 

Among the first persons we met, on entering the great 
square of Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called 
when rendered into English, was my Lord Chatterino. He 
was gayly promenading with a company of young nobles, 
who all seemed to be enjoying their youth, health, rank and 
privileges with infinite gusto. We met this party in a way 
to render an escape from mutual recognition impossible. At 
first I thought, from his averted eye, that it was the intention 
of car late shipmate to consider our knowledge of each 
other as one of those accidental acquaintances which, it is 
known, we all form at watering-places, on journeys, or in the 
country, and which it is ill-mannered to press upon otliers in 



THE MONIKINS. 219 

town ; or, as Captain Poke afterward expressed it, like the 
intimacy between an Englisliman and a Yankee, that has 
been formed in the house of the latter, on better wine than 
is met with anywhere else, and which was never yet known 
to withstand the influence of a British fog. "Why, Sir 
John," the sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to say tooky 
not tucked) a countryman of yours under my wing, at Stun- 
in'tun,' during the last war. He was a prisoner, as we make 
prisoners ; that is, he went and did pretty much as he pleased ; 
and the fellow had the best of every thing — molasses that a 
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to slush down 
a topmast, and New England rum, that a king might set 
down to, but could not get up from — well, what was the end 
on't ? Why, as sure as we are among these monkeys, the 
fellow hooked me. Had I hooked but the half of what he guz- 
zled, the amount, I do believe, w^ould have taken the transac- 
tion out of any justice's court in the state. He said my 
molasses was meagre, the pork lean, and the liquor infernal. 
There were truth and gratitude for you ! He gave the whul 
account, too, as a specimen of what he called American liv- 
ing!" 

Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman 
did not like to receive even favors on compulsion ; that when 
he meets a stranger in his own country, and is master of his 
own actions, no man understands better what true hospitality 
is, as I hoped one day to show him, at Householder Hall ; as 
to his first remark, he ought to remember that an Englishman 
considered America as no more than the country, and that it 
would be ill-mannered to press an acquaintance made there. 

Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all 
subjects that did not interfere with his prejudices or his 
opinions; and he very readily admitted the general justice 
of my reply. 

" It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he continued ; 
" in England you may press men, but it won't do to press 



220 THE MONIKINS. 

hospitality. Get a volunteer in this way, and he is as good 
a fellow as heart can wish. I shouldn't have cared so much 
about the chap's book, if he had said nothin' ag'in the rum. 
Why, Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin'tun 
with eighteen pounders, I proposed to load our old twelve 
with a gallon out of the very same ca-sk, for I do think it 
would have huv' the shot the best part of a mile !" 

But this digression is leading me from the narra- 
tive. My Lord Chatterino turned his head a little on one 
side as we were passing ; and I was deliberating whether, 
under the circumstances it would be well-bred to remind him 
of our old acquaintance, when the question was settled by 
the decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in such a 
position that it was no easy matter to get round him, through 
him, or over him ; or who laid himself what he called " athwart 
hawse." 

" Good morning, my lord," said the straight-forward sea- 
man, who generally went at a subject, as he went at a seal. 
" A fine warm day ; and the smell of the land, after so long 
a passage, is quite agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups 
and downs may be to the legs." 

The companions of the young peer looked amazed ; and 
some of them, I thought, notwithstanding gravity and earn- 
estness are rather characteristic of the monikin physiog- 
nomy, betrayed a slight disposition to laugh. Not so with 
my Lord Chatterino himself. 

He examined us a moment through a glass, and then 
seemed suddenly, and on the whole, agreeably struck at see- 
ing us. 

"How, Goldencalf i" he cried, in surprise, "you in Leap- 
high ! This is, indeed, an unexpected satisfaction ; for it will 
now be in my power to prove some of the facts that I am 
telling my friends, by actual observation. Here arc two of the 
humans, gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you 
some account — " 



THE MONIKINS. 221 

Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he 
continued, looking exceedingly grave : — 

"Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These arc 
very worthy people, I do assure you, in their own way, and 
are not at all to be ridiculed. I scarcely know, even in our 
own marine, a better or a bolder navigator than this honest 
seaman ; and as for the one in the parti-colored skin, I will 
take upon myself to say, that he is really a person of some 
consideration in his own little circle. He is, I believe a 
member of par — par — par — am I right, Sir John ? — a mem- 
ber of '' 

" Parliament, my lord — an M. P." 

"Ay — I thought I had it — an M. P. or a member of Par- 
liament, in his own country, which, I dare say, now, is some 
such thing among his people, as a public proclaimcr of those 
laws which come from his majesty's eldest first cousin of the 
masculine gender, may be among us. Some such thing — ch— * 
now — eh — is it not. Sir John?" 

" I dare say it is, my lord." 

" All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the young mon- 
ikins, with a very long, elaborated tail, which he carried 
nearly perpendicular — " but what would be even a \a,vf-7naker 
— to say nothing of \3iW-bi'eake7's like ourselves — among men ! 
You should remember, my dear fellow, that a mere title, or a 
profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but that 
the prodigy of a village may be a very common monikin in 
town." 

" Poh — poh" — interrupted Lord Chatterino, " thou art ever 
for refining. Hightail — Sir John Goldencalf is a very respect- 
able person in the island of — a — a — a — what do you call 
that said island of yours, Goldencalf? — a — a " 

" Great Britain, my lord." 

" Ay, Great Breeches, sure enough ; yes, he is a respect- 
able person — I can take it upon myself to say, with confi- 
dence, a very respectable person in Great Breeches. I dare 



222 THE MONIKINS. 

say lie owns no small portion of the island himself. How 
much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told ?" 

"Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, 
with a few scattered manors here and there." 

" Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt 
— then you have money at use ?" 

"And who is the debtor?" sneeringly inquired the jack-a- 
napes Hightail. 

" No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great 
Britain." 

" Exquisite, that, egad ! A noble's fortune in the custody 
of the realm of a — Greek — a " 

" Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chatterino ; who, 
notwithstanding he swore he was excessively angry with his 
friend for his obstinate incredulity, very evidently had to ex- 
ercise some forbearance to keep from joining in the general 
laugh. "It is a very respectable country, I do protest; and 
I scarcely remember to have tasted better gooseberries than 
they grow in that very island." 

" What ! have they really gardens, Chatterino ?" 

"Certainly — after a fashion — and houses, and public con- 
veyances — and even universities." 

" You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system I" 

" Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes 
and sevens. I really can't take it upon myself to say that 
they have a system." 

" Oh, yes, my lord — of a certainty ^ve have one — the social 
stake system." 

"Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb 
Hightail, " if he himself, now, has any income." 

" How is it. Sir John — have you an income ?" 

"Yes my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sover- 
eigns a year." 

" Of what ? — of what ?" demanded two or three voices, 
with well-bred, subdued eagerness. 



THE MONIKINS. 223 

" Of sovereigns — wliy tliat means kings !" 

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey 
oiJy the king's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, 
perform all their official acts in the name of the sovereign 
himself, for whose person and character they pretty uniform- 
ly express the profoundest veneration ; just as we men ex- 
press admiration for a virtue that we never practise. My 
declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation, and I was 
soon required to explain myself. This I did, by simply stat- 
ing the truth. 

"Oh, gold, y'clept sovereigns!" exclaimed three or four, 
laughing heartily. " Why then, your famous Great Breeches 
people, after all, Chatterino, are so little advanced in civiliza- 
tion, as to use gold ! Harkee, Signior — a — a — Boldercraft, 
have you no currency in * promises' ?" 

"I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the ques- 
tion." 

" AVhy, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, 
only in a state of simplicity and nature," — there was irony 
in every syllable the impudent scoundrel uttered — " we poor 
wretches, or rather our ancestors, made the discovery, that 
for the purposes of convenience, having, as you perceive, no 
pockets, it might be well to convert all our currency into 
* promises.' Now, I would ask if you have any of that coin?" 

" Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coiu, we have plenty." 

" He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were dis- 
cussing a pedigree ! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, 
60 little advanced in your country, as not to know the im- 
mense advantages of a currency of ' promises' ?" 

" As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this 
currency is, sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish." 

" Let us explain it to him ; for, I vow, I am really curious 
to hear his answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some 
knowledge of the thing's habits, be our interpreter." 

" The matter is thus. Sir John. About five hundred year?. 



1221 THE MONIKINS. 

ftgo, our ancestors having readied tliat pass in civilization 
when they came to dispense with the use of pockets, began 
to find it necessary to substitute a new currency for that of 
the metals, which it was inconvenient to carry, of which 
they might be robbed, and which also vrere liable to be 
counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a lighter sub- 
stitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and cotton, 
in the raw material ; then compounded and manufactured ; 
next, written on, and reduced in bulk, until, having passed 
through the several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown- 
paper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set the plan 
fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly established, the 
system was perfected by a coup de main; — 'promises' in 
words were substituted for all other coin. You see the ad- 
vantage at a glance. A monikin can travel without pockets 
or baggage, and still carry a million ; the money cannot be 
counterfeited, nor can it be stolen or burned." 

" But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property ?" 

"Just the contrary; — an acre that formerly could be 
bought for one promise, would now bring a thousand." 

" This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent 
failures " 

"Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh 
since the law was passed making promises a legal tender." 

" I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought 
of this, at home !" 

" So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino 1" And 
tl.en there was another and a very general laugh. I never 
before felt so deep a sense of national humility. 

" As they have universities," cried another coxcomb, " per- 
haps this person has attended one of them." 

" Indeed, sir," I answered, " I am regularly graduated." 

" It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge 
— for, though my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace 
the smallest sign of a cauda about him." 



THE MONIKINS. 22o 

" All !" Lord Cliattcrino good-naturedly exclaimed, " the 
iuliabitants of Great Breeches carry their brains in their 
heads." 

"Their heads!" 

"Heads!" 

" That's excellent, by his majesty's prerogative ! Here's 
civilization, with a vengeance !" 

I now thonght that the general ridicule would overwhelm 
me. Two or three came closer, as if in pity or curiosity ; 
and, at last, one cried out that I actually wore clothes. 

" Clothes — the wretch ! Chatterino, do all your human 
friends wear clothes ?" 

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and 
then there arose such a clamor as may be fancied took place 
among the peacocks, when they discovered the daw among 
them in masquerade. Human nature could endure no more ; 
and bowing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino, very 
hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded toward the tavern. 

"Don't forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, 
before you sail," cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over 
his shoulder, and nodding in quite a friendly way toward me. 

" King !" exclaimed Captain Poke. " That blackguard ate 
a whole bread-locker-full of nuts, on our outward passage, 
and now he tells us to step into his Chatterino House, before 
we sail !" 

I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his phi- 
losophy. It was true that men never forgot obligations, and 
were always excessively anxious to repay them ; but the 
monikms were an exceedingly instructed species ; they thought 
more of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain by 
comparing the smallness of the latter with the length and 
development of the seat of reason; and oce of his expe- 
rience should know that good-breeding is decidedly an arbi- 
trary quality, and that we ought to respect its laws, however 
opposed to our own previous practices. 



226 THE MONIKINS. 

" I dare say, friend Noali, you may have observed bomic 
material difference in tlie usages of Paris, for instance, and 
tliosc of Stunin'tun." 

" That I have, Sir John, that I have ; and altogether to 
the advantage of Stunin'tun be they." 

** We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our 
own customs best ; and it requires that we should travel 
much, before we are able to decide on points so nice." 

"And do you not call me a traveller! Haven't I been 
sixteen times a sealing, twice a whaling, without counting nay 
cruise overland, and this last run to Leaphigh !" 

" Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. 
Poke ; but your stay in any given place has been just long 
enough to find fault. Usages must be worn, like a shoe, be- 
fore one can judge of the fit." 

It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs 
Vigilance Lynx, at that moment, come wriggling by, in s 
way to show she was much satisfied with her safe return 
home. To own the truth, while striving to find apologies 
for it, I had been a little conirariey as the French term it, by 
the indifference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret 
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner in which 
a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en has, a 
mere baronet of Great Britain— or Great Breeches, as the 
young noble so pertinaciously insisted on terming our illustri- 
ous island. Now as Mrs. Vigilance was of " russet-color," a 
caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt that she would 
be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf of 
Householder Hall, as the other might be willing to shuffle it 
off. 

"Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said familiarly, 
endeavoring to wriggle in a way that ivould have shaken a 
tail, had it been my good fortune to be the owner of one — 
" Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance — I'm glad to meet yor. 
again on shore." 



THE MONIKINS. 227 

I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole 
period of our acquaintance, was particularly squearaisli, or 
topping in her deportment. On the contrary, she had rather 
made herself remarkable for a modest and commendable re- 
serve. But on the present occasion, she disappointed all 
reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side, uttering a 
slight scream, and hurrying past as if she thought we might 
bite her. Indeed, I can only compare her deportment to 
that of a female of our own, who is so full of vanity as to 
fancy all eyes on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog 
or a spider, because she thinks they make her look so much 
the more interesting. Conversation was quite out of the 
question ; for the duenna hurried on, bending her head down- 
ward, as if heartily ashamed of an involuntary weakness. 

" Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern eye follow- 
ed her movements until she was quite lost in the crowd, 
" you would have had a sleepless v'yage, if I had fore-imag- 
ined this ! Sir John, these people stare at us as if we were 
wild beasts !" 

" I cannot say I am of your way of thinking. Captain 
Poke. To me they seem to take no more notice of us, than 
we should take of two curs in the streets of London." 

" I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when 
they talk of the lost condition of man. It's ra'ally awful to 
witness . to what a state of unfeelingness a people can be 
abandoned ! Bob, ge^. out of the way, you grinning black- 
guard." 

Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have de- 
molished his stern-frame, had it not been for the union-jack. 
Just then I was glad to see Dr. Reasono advancing toward 
us, surrounded by a group of attentive listeners, all of whom, 
by their years, gravity and deportment, I made no question 
were savans. As he drew near, I found he was discoursing 
of the marvels of liis late voyage. When within six feet of 
us the whole party stopped, the Doctor continuing to descant 



228 THE MONIKINS. 

with a very projoer gesticulation, and in a way to sliow that 
his subject was of infinite interest to his listeners. Accident- 
ally turning his eye in our direction, he caught a glimpse of 
our figures, and making a few hurried apologies to those 
around him, the excellent plwlosopher came eagerly forward, 
with both hands extended. Here was a difference, indeed, 
between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino and the 
duenna ! The salutation was warmly returned ; and the 
Doctor and myself stepped a little apart, as he lost no time 
in informing me he wislied to say a word in private. 

" My dear Sir John," the philosopher began, " our arrival 
has been the most happily-timed thing imaginable! All 
Leaphigh, by this time, is filled with the subject; and you 
can scarcely conceive the importance that is attached to the 
event. New sources of trade, scientific discoveries, phenomena 
both moral and physical, and results that it is thought may 
serve to raise the monikin civilization still high-er than ever. 
Fortunately, the academy holds its most solemn meeting of 
the year this very day, and I have been formally requested 
to give the assembly an outline of those events which have 
lately passed before my eyes. The king's eldest first cousin 
of the masculine gender is to attend openly ; and it is even 
conjectured, in a way to be quite authentic, that the king 
himself will be present in his own royal person." 

" How !" I exclaimed, " have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of 
rendering conjectures certain ?" 

" Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be 
worth? As to the king's majesty, we always deal in the 
most direct ambiguities. Now as respects many of our cere- 
monies, the sovereign is known morally to be present, when 
he may be actually and physically eating his dinner at the 
other extremity of the island ; this important illustration of 
the royal ubiquity is effected by means of a legal fiction. On 
the other hand, the king often indulges his natural j)ropensities, 
such as curiosity, love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by com 



THE MONIKINS. 229 

ing in person, when, by the court fiction, lie is thought to be 
seated on his throne, in his own royal palace. Oh ! as to all 
these little accomplishments and graces in the art of truths, 
we are behind no people in the universe !" 

" I beg pardon, Doctor — so his majesty is expected to be 
at the academy this morning ?" 

" In a private box. Now this affair is of the last import 
ance to me as a savant, to you as a human being — for it will 
have a tendency to raise your whole species in the monikin 
estimation — and, lastly, to learning. It will be indispensably 
necessary that you should attend, with as many of your 
companions as possible — more especially the better speci- 
mens. I was coming down to the landing in the hope of 
meeting you; and a messenger has gone off to the ship to 
require that the people be sent ashore forthwith. You will 
have a tribune to yourselves ; and, really, I do not like to 
express beforehand what I think concerning the degree of 
attention you will all receive ; but this much I think I can 
say — you will see." 

" This proposition. Doctor, has taken me a little by sur- 
prise, and I hardly know what answer to give." 

"You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty 
hear that you have refused to come to a meeting at which he 
is to be present, it would seriously, and, I might add, justly 
offend him; nor could I answer for the consequences." 

" Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of 
his majesty's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender ; in 
which case I thought I might snap my fingers at his majesty 
himself." 

" Not in opinion. Sir John, which is one of the three es- 
tates of the government. Ours is a government of three 
estates — viz., the Law, Opinion, and Practice. By law the 
king rules, by practice his cousin rules, and by opinion the 
king again rules. Thus is the strong point of practice bal- 
anced by law and opinion. This it is thai constitutes the 



230 



THE MONIKINS. 



harmony and perfection of the system. No, it wonld never 
do to offend his majesty." 

Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor's 
argument, yet, as I had often found in human society, theo- 
ries political, moral, theological, and philosophical, that 
every body had faith in, and which nobody understood, I 
thought discussion useless, and gave up the point by promis- 
ing the Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which 
was the time named for our appearance. Taking the neces- 
sary directions to find the place, we separated ; he to hasten 
to make his preparations, and I to reach the tavern, in order 
to deposit our baggage, that no decency might be overlooked 
on an occasion so solemn. 




TIIEMONIKINS. 231 



CHAPTER XVI. 

AN INN — DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAK TOUCH OJ? HUMAN 
NATURE FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE. 

We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed our 
clothes, and made the other little arrangements that it was 
necessary to observe for the credit of the species. Every- 
thing being ready, wc left the inn, and hurried toward the 
" Palais des Arts et des Sciences.''^ We had not got out of 
sight of the inn, however, before one of its gargons was at 
our heels with a message from his mistress. He told us, in 
very respectful tones, that his master was out, and that ho 
had taken with him the key of the strong-box ; that there 
was not actually money enough in the drawer to furnish an 
entertainment for such great persons as ourselves, and she 
had taken the liberty to send us a bill receipted, with a re- 
quest that we would make a small advance, rather than 
reduce her to the mortification of treating such distinguished 
guests in an unworthy manner. The bill read as follows : — 

No. 1 parti-color and friendc, 

To No. 82,763 grape-color, Dr. 

To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per 

agi'eement,^.^. SOO per diem — one day, p. p. 300 • 

By cash advanced, 50 

Balance due,^;.^. 250 

"This seems all right," I observed to Noah; but I am, at 
this moment, as penniless as the good woman herself. I 
really do not see what we are to do, unless Bob sends her 
back his store of nuts " 



232 THE MONIKINS. 

*' llarkcc, my iiiinblc-go-hop," put in the seaman, " wLat is 
your pleasure ?" 

The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his mistress's 
wants. 

"What are these p. p. that I find noted in the bill — ^play 
or pay, hey ?" 

"Promises, of course, your honor." 

"Oh ! then you desire fifty promises, to provide our dinner.** 

" Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall dine like 
noblemen — ay, sir, like aldermen." 

I was dehghted to find that this worthy class of beings 
have the same propensities in all countries. 

"Here, take a hundred," answered Noah, snapping his 
fingers, " and make no bones of it. And harkee, my worthy 
— lay out every farthing of them in the fare. Let there be 
good cheer, and no one will grumble at the bill. I am ready 
to buy the inn, and all it holds, at need." 

The waiter departed well satisfied with these assurances, 
and apparently m the anticipation of good vails for his own 
trouble. 

We soon got into the current that was setting toward our 
place of destination. On reaching the gate, we found that we 
were anxiously expected ; for there was an attendant in wait- 
ing, who instantly conducted us to the seats that were pro- 
vided for our special reception. It is always agreeable to be 
among the privileged, and I must own that we were all not a 
little flattered, on finding that an elevated tribune had been 
prepared for us, in the centre of the rotunda in which the 
academy held its sittings, so that we could see, and be seen 
by, every individual of the crowded assembly. The whole 
crew, even to the negro cook, had preceded us ; an additional 
compliment, that I did not fail to acknowledge by suitable 
salutations' to all the members present. After the first feelings 
of pleasure and surprise were a little abated, I had leisure to 
look about me and to survey the company. 



THE MONIKINB. 233 

The academicians occupied the whole of the body of the 
rotunda, the space taken up by the erection of our tempora- 
ry tribune alone excepted ; while there were sofas, chairs, 
tribunes and benches arranged for the spectators, in the outer 
circles, and along the side-walls of the hall. As the edifice 
itself was very large, and mind had so essentially reduced 
matter in the monikin species, there could not have been less 
than fifty thousand tails present. Just before the ceremonies 
commenced, Dr. Reasono approached our tribune, passing 
from one to another of the party, saying a pleasant and en- 
couraging word to each, in a way to create high expectations 
in us all, as to what was to follow. We were so very evi- 
dently honored and distinguished, that I struggled hard to 
subdue any unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming human 
meekness, and in order to maintain a philosophical equanimi- 
ty under the manifestations of respect and gratitude that I 
knew were about to be lavished upon even the meanest of 
our party. The Doctor was yet in the midst of his pointed 
attentions, when the king's eldest first cousin of the mascu- 
line gender entered, and the business of the meeting imme- 
diately began. I profited by a short pause, however, to say 
a few words to my companions. I told them that there 
would soon be a serious demand on their modesty. We had 
performed a great and generous exploit, and it did not be- 
come us to lessen its merit by betraying a vainglorious self- 
esteem. I implored them all to take pattern by me ; prom- 
ising, in the end, that their new friends would trebly prize 
their hardihood, self-denial and skill. 

There was a new member of the academy of Latent Sym- 
pathies to be received and installed. A long discourse was 
read by one of this department of the monikin learning, 
which pointed out and enlarged on the rare merits of the 
new academician. He was followed by the latter ; who in 
a very elaborate production, that consumed just fifty-five 
minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade the au- 



234 THE MONIKINS. 

dicncc that tlic defunct was a loss to the world, that no acci- 
dent or application would ever repair ; and that he himself 
was precisely the worst person who could have been selected 
to be his successor. I was a little surprised at the perfect 
coolness with which the learned body listened to a reproach, 
that was so very distinctly and perseveringly thrown, as it 
were, into their very teeth. But a more intimate acquaint- 
ance with monikin society satisfied me, that any one might 
say just what he pleased, so long as he allowed that every one 
else was an excellent fellow, and he himself the poorest devil 
going. When the new member had triumphantly establish- 
ed his position, and just as I thought the colleagues were 
bound, in common honesty, to reconsider their vote, he con- 
cluded, and took his seat among them with quite as much as- 
surance as the best philosopher of them all. 

After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on 
his excellent and self-abasing discourse, the newly admitted 
member again rose, and began to read an essay on some dis- 
coveries be had made in the science of Latent Sympathies. 
According to his account of the matter, every monikin pos- 
sessed a fluid which was invisible, like the animalcula which 
pervade nature, and which required only to be brought into 
command, and to be reduced into more rigid laws, to become 
the substitute for the senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing and 
smelling. This fluid was communicable ; and had already 
been so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it of ser- 
vice in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the operator had 
a bad cold, in tasting when the palate was down, and in 
touching by proxy. Ideas had been transmitted, through its 
agency, sixty-two leagues in one minute and a half. Two 
monikins, who were afflicted with diseased tails, had during 
the last two years, been insulated and saturated, and had then 
lost those embellishments, by operations ; a quantity of the 
fluid having been substituted in their places so happily, that 
the patients fancied themselves more than ever conspicuous 



THE MONIKINS. 235 

for the length and finesse of tlieir caudce. An cxpciiment 
had also been successfully tried on a member of the lower 
house of j)arliament, who, being married to a monihina ol 
unusual mind, had for a long time been supplied with ideas 
from this source, although his partner was compelled to re- 
main at home, in order to superintend the management of 
their estate, forty-two miles from town, during the whole 
session. He particularly recommended to government the 
promotion of this science,- as it might be useful in obtaining 
evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting conspiracies, 
in collecting the taxes, and selecting candidates for trusts of 
a responsible nature- The suggestion was well received by 
the Ring's cousin, more especially those parts that alluded to 
sedition and the revenue. 

This essay was also perfectly well received by the savaois, 
for I afterward found very little came amiss to the academy ; 
and the members named a committee forthwith, to examine 
into " the facts concerning invisible and unknown fluids, theii 
agency, importance, and relations to monikin happiness." 

We were next favored with a discussion on the diflferent 
significations of the word gorstchwzyh ; which, rendered into 
English, means " eh !" The celebrated philologist who treat- 
ed the subject, discovered amazing ingenuity in expatiating 
on its ramifications and deductions. First he tried the letters 
by transpositions, by which he triumphantly proved that it 
was derived from all the languages of the ancients ; the same 
process showed that it possessed four thousand and two dif- 
ferent significations ; he next reasoned most ably and com- 
prehensively for ten minutes, backward and forward, using 
no other word but this, applied in its various senses ; after 
which, he incontrovertibly established that this important 
part of speech was so useful as to be useless, and he conclud- 
ed by a proposition, in Avhich the academy coincided by 
acclamation, that it should be forever and incontinently ex- 
punged from the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was 



230 THE MO NIK INS. 

carried by acclamation, tlie king's cousin arose, and declared 
that tlie writer who should so far offend against good taste, 
as hereafter to make use of the condemned word, should 
have two inches cut off the extremity of his tail. A shudder 
among the ladies, who, I afterward ascertained, loved to carry 
their caudce as high as our women like to carry their heads, 
proved the severity of the decree. 

An experienced and seemingly much respected member 
now arose to make the following proposal. He said it was 
known that the monikin species were fast approaching perfec- 
tion ; that the increase of mind and the decrease of matter 
were so very apparent as to admit of no denial ; that, in his 
own case, he found his physical powers diminish daily, while 
his mental acquired new distinctness and force ; that he could 
no longer see without spectacles, hear without a tube, or 
taste without high seasoning ; from all this he inferred that 
they were drawing near to some important change, and he 
wished that portion of the science of Latent Sympathies 
which was connected with the unknown fluid just treated on, 
might be referred to a committee on the whole, in order to 
make some provision for the wants of a time when monikins 
should finally lose their senses. There was nothing to say 
against a proposition so plausible, and it was accepted nemine 
contradicente, with the exception of a few in the minority. 

There was now a good deal of whispering, much wagging 
of tails, and other indications that the real business of the 
meeting was about to be touched upon. All eyes were 
turned on Dr. Reasono, who, after a suitable pause, entered 
a tribune prepared for solemn occasions, and began his dis- 
course. 

The philosopher, who, having committed his essay to mem- 
ory, spoke extempore, commenced with a beautiful and most 
eloquent apostrophe to learning, and to the enthusiasm which 
glows in the breasts of all her real votaries, rendering them 
alike indifferent to their personal case, their temporal interests, 



THE MONIKINS. 23*? 

danger, sufteriiig, and tribulations of the spirit. After tliia 
exordium, which was pronounced to be unique for its sim- 
plicity and truth, he entered at once on the liistory of his 
own recent adventures. 

First alluding to the admirable character of that Leaphigh 
usage which prescribes the Journey of Trial, our philosopher 
spoke of the manner in which he had been selected to ac- 
company my lord Chatterino on an occasion so important 
to his future hopes. He dwelt on the physical preparations, 
the previous study, and the moral machinery that he had 
employed with his pupil, before they quitted town ; all of 
which, there is reason to think, were well fitted to their 
objects, as he was constantly interrupted by murmurs of 
applause. After some time spent in dilating on these points, 
I had, at length, the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and 
their two w^ards, fairly setting out on a journey which, as he 
very justly mentioned, proved " to be pregnant with events 
of so much importance to knowledge in general, to the happi- 
ness of the species, and to several highly interesting branches 
of monikin science, in particular." I say the satisfaction, 
for, to own the truth, I was eager to witness the eftect that 
would be made on the monikin sensibilities, when he came 
to speak of my own discernment in detecting their real char- 
acters beneath the contumely and disgrace in which it had 
been my good fortune to find them, the promptitude with 
which I had stepped forward to their relief, and the liberality 
and courage with which I had furnished the means and en- 
countered the risks that were necessary to restore them to 
their native land. The anticipation of this human triumph 
could not but diftuse a general satisfaction in our own tribune 
— even the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers 
through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of 
deserving, mingled with that soothing sentiment which is 
ever the companion of a merited reward. As the philosopher 
drew nearer to the time when it would be necessary to speak 



238 THE MO NIK INS. 

of US, I threw a look of triumph at Lord Chatterino, which, 
however, failed of its intended effect — the young peer con- 
tinuing to whisper to his noble companions with just as 
much self-importance and coolness as if he had not been one 
of the rescued captives. 

Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his colleagues, 
for ingenuity and eloquence. The excellent morals that he 
threw into every possible opening of his subject, the beauty 
of the figures with which they were illustrated, and the mas- 
culine tendencies of his argument, gave general delight to 
the audience. The Journey of Trial was made to appear, 
what it had been intended to be by the fathers and sages 
of the Leaphigh institutions, a probation replete with ad- 
monitions and instruction. The aged and experienced, who 
had grown callous by time, could not conceal their exul- 
tation ; the mature and suffering looked grave and fall of 
meditation ; while the young and sanguine fairly trembled, 
and for once, doubted. But, as the philosopher led his party 
from precipice to precipice in safety, as rocks were scaled 
and seductive valleys avoided, a common feeling of security 
began to extend itself among the audience ; and we all fol- 
lowed him in his last experiment among the ice, with that 
sort of blind confidence which the soldier comes, in time, to 
entertain in the orders of a tried and victorious general. 

The Doctor was graphic in his account of the manner in 
which he and his wards plunged among these new trials. 
The lovely Chatterissa (for all his travelling companions were 
present) bent aside her head and blushed, as the philosopher 
alluded to the manner in which the pure flame that glowed 
in her gentle bosom resisted the chill influence of that cold 
region ; and when he recited an ardent declaration that my 
lord Chatterino had made on the centre of a floe^ and the 
kind and amorous answer of his mistress, I thought the ap- 
plause of the old academicians would have actually brought 
the vaulted dome clattering about our ears. 



THE MONIKINS. 2S9 

At length he reached the point in the narrative, where the 
amiable wanderers fell in with the sealers, on that unknown 
island to which chance and an adverse fortune had unhappily- 
led them, in their pilgrimage. I had taken measures secret- 
ly to instruct Mr. Poke and the rest of my companions, as to 
the manner in which it became us to demean ourselves, while 
the Doctor was acquainting the academy with that first out- 
rage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of himself 
and friends. We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our 
faces a little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. 
Less than this, it struck me, could scarcely be done, without 
manifesting an improper indifference to monikin rights ; and 
more than this, might have been identifying ourselves with 
the particular individuals of the species who had perpetrated 
the wrong. But there was no occasion to exhibit this deli- 
cate attention to our learned hosts. The Doctor, with a re- 
finement of feeling that did credit, indeed, to monikin civili- 
zation, gave an ingenious turn to the whole aifair, which at 
once removed all cause of shame from our species ; and 
which, if it left reason for any to blush, by a noble act of 
disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the obligation on 
himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner in 
which he and his friends had been seized, the worthy Doctor 
very tranquilly informed his listeners, that, finding himself, by 
hazard, brought in contact with another species, and that the 
means of pushing important discoveries were unexpectedly 
placed in his power ; conscious it had long been a desidera- 
tum with the savans to obtain a nearer view and more cor- 
rect notions of human society ; believing he had a discretion 
in the matter of his wards, and knowing that the inhabitants 
of Leaplow, a republic which all disliked, were seriously talk- 
ing of sending out an expedition for this very purpose, he 
had promptly decided to profit by events, to push inquiry to 
the extent of his abilities, and to hazard all in the cause of 
learning and truth, by at once engaging the vessel of the 



240 THE MONIKINS. 

sealers, and sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith 
into the very bosom of the world of man ! 

I have listened with awe to the thunder of the tropics — 
I have held my breath as the artillery of a fleet vomited 
forth its fire, and rent the air with sudden concussions — I 
have heard the roar of the tumbling river of the Canadas, 
and I have stood aofhast at the crashino; of a forest in a tor- 
nado ; — but never before did I feel so life-stirring, so thrilling 
an emotion of surprise, alarm and sympathy, as that which 
arose within me, at the burst of commendation and delight 
with which this announcement of self-devotion and enter- 
prise was received by the audience. Tails waved, pattes met 
each other in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there was 
one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of glorification, 
at this proof, not of monildn, for that would have been frit- 
tering away the triumph, but at this proof of Leaphigli 
courage. 

During the clamor, I took an opportunity to express my 
satisfaction at the handsome manner in which our friend the 
Doctor had passed over an acknowledged human delinquency, 
and the ingenuity with which he had turned the whole of 
the unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh. Noah 
answered that the philosopher had certainly " showm a knowl- 
edge of human natur', and he presumed of monikin natur', 
in the matter ; no one would now dispute his statement, 
since, as he knew by experience, no one was so likely to be 
set down as a liar, as he who endeavored to unsettle the good 
opinion that either a community or an individual entertained 
of himself. This was the way at Stunin'tun, and he believed 
this was pretty much the way at New York, or he might say 
with the whole 'arth from pole to pole. As for himself, how- 
ever, he owned he should like to have a few minutes' private 
conversation with the sealer in question, to hear his account 
of the matter ; he didn't know any owner in his part of the 
v/orld, w':o would bear a captain out, should he abandon a 



THE M ON IK INS. 241 

v'yage in this way, on no better security than the promises 
of a monkey, and of a monkey, too, who must, of necessity, 
be an utter stranger to him." 

When the tnmult of applause had a little abated, Dr. Rea- 
sono proceeded with his narrative. He touched lightly on 
the accommodations of the schooner, which he gave us rea- 
son to think were altogether of a quality beneath the condi- 
tion of her passengers ; and he added that, falling in with a 
larger and fairer vessel, which was making a passage between 
Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by the occasion, to 
exchange ships. This vessel touched at the island of St. 
Helena, where, according to the Doctor's account of the 
matter, he found means to pass the greater part of a week 
on shore. 

Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and 
certainly, an interesting account. It was reported to be vol- 
canic, by the human savans, he said, but a minute examina- 
tion and a comparison of the geological formation, &c., had 
quite satisfied him that their own ancient account, which 
was contained in the mineralogical works of Leaphigh, was 
the true one ; or, in other words, that this rock was a frag- 
ment of the polar world that had been blown away at the 
great eruption, and which had become separated from the 
rest of the mass at this spot, where it had fallen and become 
a fixture of the ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain 
specimens of rock, which he submitted to the learned pres- 
ent, inviting their attention to its character, and asking, with 
great mineralogical confidence, if it did not intimately re- 
semble a well-known stratum of a mountain within two 
leagues of the very spot they were in ? This triumphant 
proof of the truth of his proposition was admirably received ; 
and the philosopher was in particular rewarded by the smiles 
of all the females present ; for ladies usually are well pleased 
with any demonstration that saves them the trouble of com- 
parison and reflection. 
11 



242 THE MONIKINS. 

Before quitting tliis branch of his subject, the Doctor 
observed that, interesting as were these proofs of the accura- 
cy of their histories, and of the great revohitions of inanimate 
nature, there was another topic connected with St. Helena, 
which, he felt certain, would excite a lively emotion in the 
breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his visit, 
the island had been selected as a prison for a great conquer- 
or and disturber of his fellow-cre-atures ; and public attention 
was much drawn to the spot by this circumstance, few men 
coming there who did not permit all their thoughts to be ab- 
sorbed by the past acts and the present fortunes of the 
individual in question. As for himself, there was, of course, 
no great attraction in any events connected with mere human 
greatness, the little struggles and convulsions of the species 
containing no particular interest for a devotee of the moni- 
Idn philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were 
drawn in one direction, afforded him a liberty of action that 
he had eagerly improved, in a way that, he humbly trusted, 
would not be thought altogether unworthy of their approbation. 
While searching for minerals among the cliffs, his attention 
had been drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys, 
in the language of those regions ; which, from very obvious 
affinities of a physical nature, there was some reason to believe 
might have had a common origin with the monikin species. 
The academy would at once see how desirable it was to learn 
all the interesting particulars of the habits, language, cus- 
toms, marriages, funerals, religious opinions, traditions, state 
of learning, and general moral condition of this interesting 
people, with a view to ascertain whether they were merely 
one of those abortions, to which, it is known, nature is in the 
practice of giving birth, in the outward appearance of their 
own species, or whether, as several of their best writers had 
plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of those 
whom they had been in the habit of designating as the 
"lost monikins." He had succeeded in getting access to a 



THE MONIKINS. 243 

family of these beings, and in passing an entire clay in their 
society. The result of his investigations was, that they were 
truly of the monikin family, retaining much of the ingenuity 
and many of the spiritual notions of their origin, but with 
their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps their improvable 
qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the elements that 
had scattered them abroad upon the face of the earth, house- 
less, hopeless, regionless wanderers. The vicissitudes of cli- 
mate, and a great alteration of habits, had certainly wrought 
some physical changes ; but there still remained sufficient 
scientific identity to prove they were monikins. They even 
retained, in their traditions, some glimmerings of the awful 
catastrophe by which they were separated from the rest of 
their fellow-creatures ; but they necessarily were vague and 
profitless. Having touched on several other points connect- 
ed with these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor concluded 
by saying that he saw but one way in which this discovery 
could be turned to any practical advantage, beyond the con- 
firmation it afforded of the truth of their own annals. He sug- 
gested the expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among 
these islands and seize upon a number of families, which, 
being transported into Leaphigh, might found a race of useful 
menials, who, while they would prove much less troublesome 
than those who possessed all the knowledge of monikins, 
would probably be found more intelligent and useful than 
any domestic animal which they at present owned. This 
happy application of the subject met with decided commen- 
dation. I observed that most of the elderly females put 
their heads together on the spot, and appeared to be con- 
gratulating each other on the prospect of being speedily 
relieved from their household cares. 

Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, 
and of his finally landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to 
his account, he engaged certain Savoyards to act as his 
couriers and guides during a tour he intended to make through 



244 THE MONIKINS. 

Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, France, &c., &c., &c. I listen- 
ed with admiration. Never before had I so lively a percep- 
tion of the vast difference that is effected in our views of 
matters and things, by the agency of an active philosophy 
as was now furnished by the narrative of the speaker. 
Instead of complaining of the treatment he had received, and 
of the degradations to which he and his companions had 
been subjected, he spoke of it all as so much prudent sub- 
mission, on his part, to the customs of the countries in which 
he happened to find himself, and as the means of ascertaining 
a thousand important facts, both moral and physical, which 
he proposed to submit to the academy in a separate memoir, 
another day. At present, he was admonished by the clock 
to conclude, and he would therefore hasten his narrative as 
much as possible. 

The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he 
could gladly have passed a year or two longer in those dis- 
tant and highly interesting portions of the earth; but he 
could not forget that he had a duty to perform to the friends 
of two noble families. The Journey of Trial had been com- 
pleted under the most favorable auspices, and the ladies natu- 
rally became anxious to return home. They had accordingly 
passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable for maritime 
enterprise, where he immediately commenced the necessary 
preparations for their sailing. A ship had been procured 
under the promise of allowing it to be freighted, free of cus- 
tom-house charges, with the products of Leaphigh. A thou- 
sand applications had been made to him for permission to be 
of his party, the natives naturally enough wishing to see a 
civilized country ; but prudence had admonished him to ac- 
cept of those only who were the most likely to make them- 
selves useful. The king of Great Britain, no mean prince in 
human estimation, had committed his only son and heir-ap« 
parent to his care, with a view to his improvement by travel- 
ling; and the lord high admiral himself had asked permis- 



THE MONIKINS. 245 

sion to take command of an expedition that was of so much _ 
importance to knowledge in general, and to his own profes- 
sion in particular. 

Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune, and presented 
Bob to the academy as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, 
and Captain Poke as her Lord High Admiral ! He pointed 
out certain peculiarities about the former, the smut in partic- 
ular, which had become pretty effectually incorporated with 
the skin, as so many signs of royal birth ; and ordering the 
youngster to uncase, he drew forth the union-jack that the 
lad carefully kept about his nether part as a fender, and 
exhibited it as his armorial bearings — a modification of its 
uses that would not have been very far out of the way, had 
another limb been substituted for the agent. As for Captain 
Poke, he requested the academicians to study his nautical air 
in general, as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and 
of the ordinary appearance of human seamen. 

Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the 
travelling governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a 
very respectable person in my way. He added, that he be- 
lieved, also, I had some pretension to be the discoverer of 
something that was called the social-stake system ; which he 
dared to say, was a very creditable discovery for one of my 
opportunities. 

By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I 
had efi'ectually changed places with the cabin-boy ; who, 
instead of waiting on me, was, in future, to receirc that 
trifling attention at my hands. The mates were presented as 
two rear-admirals at nurse, and the crew was said to be com- 
posed of so many post-captains in the navy of Great Britain. 
To conclude, the audience was given to understand that wo 
were all brought to Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. 
Helena, as so many specimens of the human species! 

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very difier- 
cut view of himself and his acts, as well as of mc and my 



246 THE MONIKINS. 

•lets, from tliose I had all along entertained myself; and yet, 
on reflection, it is so common to consider ourselves in lights 
very different from those in which we are viewed by others, 
that I could not, on the whole, complain as much of his rep- 
resentations as I had at first thought it might become me to 
do. At all events, I was completely spared the necessity of 
blushing for my generosity and disinterestedness, and m 
other respects was saved the pain of viewing any part of my 
own conduct under a consciousness of its attracting attention 
by its singularity on the score of merit. I must say, never- 
theless, that I was both surprised and a little indignant ; but 
the sudden and unexpected turn that had been given to the 
whole affair, threw me so completely off my centre, that for 
the life of me, I could not say a word in my own behalf. 
To make the matter worse, that monkey Chatterino nodded 
to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators that, on the 
whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow ! 

After the lecture was over, the audience approached to 
examine us, taking a great many amiable liberties with our 
persons, and otherwise showing that we were deemed curios- 
ities worthy of their study. The king's cousin, too, was not 
neglectful of us, but he had it announced to the assembly 
that we were entirely welcome to Leaphigh ; and that, out 
of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all promoted to the dig- 
nity of "Honorary Monikins," for the entire period of our 
stay in the country. He also caused it to be proclaimed, 
that if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should have 
their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As for the Doc- 
tor himself, it was proclaimed that, in fiddition to his former 
title of F. U. D. G. E., he was now preferred to be even 
M. 0. K. E., and that he was also raised to the dignity of an 
H. O. A. X., the very highest honor to wLich any savant of 
Leaphigh could attain. 

At length curiosity was appeased, and we were permitted 
to descend from the tribune ; the company ceasing to attend 



THE MONIKINS. 24V 

to US, iu order to pay attention to eacli other. As I liad 
time, now, to recollect myself, I did not lose a moment in 
taking the two mates aside, to present a proposition that we 
should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter a protest 
against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono had 
permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth w^as violated, 
the rights of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the 
Leaphigh philosophy misled. I cannot say that my argu- 
ments were well received ; and I was compelled to quit the two 
rear-admirals, and to go in quest of the crew, with the convic- 
tion that the former had been purchased. An appeal to the 
reckless, frank, loyal natures of the common seamen, I thought, 
would not fail to meet wath better success. Here, too, I was 
fated to encounter disappointment. The men swore a few 
hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was a good country. 
They expected pay and rations, as a matter of course, in 
proportion to their new rank ; and having tasted the sweets 
of command, they were not yet prepared to quarrel with 
their good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the 
tar-pot. 

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be 
turned by their unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt 
up Bob, and by dint of Mr. Poke's ordinary application, 
compel him, at least, in despite of the union-jack, to return to a 
sense of his duty, and to reassume his old post as the servitor 
of my wants. I found the little blackguard in the midst of 
a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were lavishing their 
attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise doing all 
they could to eradicate every thing like humility, or any good 
quality that might happen to remain in him. He certainly 
gave me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for he 
wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in the manner of a 
royal mantle, while the females of inferior rank pressed about 
him to kiss its hem ! The air with which he received this 
adulation, fairly imposed on even me ; and fearful that the 



248 THE M ONI KINS. 

monikinas miglit mob me, should I attempt to undeceive 
them — for monikinas, let them be of what species they may, 
always hug a delusion — I abandoned my hostile intentions, 
for tbe moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little doubting 
my ability of bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind, 
to a right way of thinking, 

The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. 
He even seemed to enter into my feelings with a proper de- 
gree of sympathy. He very frankly admitted that I had not 
been well treated by Dr. Reasono, and he appeared to think 
that a private conversation with that individual might yet pos- 
sibly have the effect of bringing him to a more reasonable rep- 
resentation of facts. But, as to any sudden and violent appeal 
to public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised recourse to a 
notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport of his 
remarks was somewhat as follows: — 

*' He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of pro- 
tests, and in consequence, we might spend our money in 
paying fees, without reaping any advantage; the Doctor, 
moreover, was a philosopher, an F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. 
A. X., and these were fearful odds to contend against in any 
country, and more especially in a foreign country ; he had an 
innate dislike for lawsuits ; the loss of my station was cer- 
tainly a grievance, but still it might be borne ; as for him- 
self, he never asked for the office of lord high admiral of 
Great Britain, but as it had been thrust upon him, why, he 
would do his best to sustain the character; he knew his 
friends at Stunin'tun would be glad to hear of his promotion, 
for, though in his country there were no lords, nor even any 
admirals, his countrymen were always exceedingly rejoiced 
whenever any of their fellow-citizens were preferred to those 
stations by any body but themselves, seeming to think an 
honor conferred on one, was an honor conferred on the whole 
nation ; he liked to confer honor on his own nation, for no 
people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort and divided it 



THE MONIKINS. 2 i9 

among themselves in a way to give eacli a share, soouev than 
the people of the States, though they were very cautious 
about leaving any portion of the credit in first hands, and 
therefore he was disposed to keep as much as he could while 
it was in his power ; he believed he was a better seaman 
than most of the lord high admirals who had gone before him, 
and he had no fears on that score ; he wondered w^hether his 
promotion made Miss Poke lady high admiral ; as I seemed 
gvesiily put out about my own rank, he would give me the act- 
ing appointment of a chaplain (he didn't think I was qualified 
to be a sea-officer), and no doubt I had interest enough at 
home to get it confirmed ; a great statesman in his country 
had said ' that few die and none resigned,' and he didn't like 
to be the first to set new fashions ; for his part, he rather 
looked upon Dr Reasono as his friend, and it was unpleasant 
to quarrel with one's friends ; he was v/ilhng to do any thing 
in reason, but resign, and if I could persuade the Doctor to 
say he had fallen into a mistake in my particular case, and 
that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a lord high ambassador, 
lord high priest, or lord high any thing else, except lord high 
admiral, why, he was ready to swear to it — though he nov/ 
gave notice, that in the event of such an arrangement, he 
should claim to rank me in virtue of the date of his own 
commission ; if he gave up his appointment a minute sooner 
than was absolutely necessary, he should lose his own self- 
respect, and never dare look Miss Poke in the face again ; 
on the whole, he should do no such thing ; and, finally, he 
wished me a good morning, as he was about to make a cajl 
on the lord high admiral of Leaphigh." 



250 THE MONIKINd. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

NE^ LORDS, NEW LAWS — GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NAHONJ 
ALSO AN INVITATION. 

I FELT tliat my situation Lad now become exceedingly pe- 
culiar. It is true that my modesty had been unexpectedly 
spared, by the very ingenious turn Dr. Reasono had given to 
the history of our connection with each other ; but I could 
not see that I had gained any other advantage by the expe- 
dient. All my own species had, in a sense, cut me ; and I 
was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without humilia- 
tion, toward the inn, where the banquet ordered by Mr. Poke 
waited our appearance. 

I had reached the great square, when a ta]3 on the knee 
drew my attention to one at my side. The applicant for 
notice was a monikin, who had all the physical peculiarities 
of a subject of Leaphigh, and yet, who w^as to be distinguish- 
ed from most of the inhabitants of that country, by a longer 
and less cultivated nap to his natural garment, greater shrewd- 
ness about the expression of the eyes and the mouth, a gen- 
eral air of business, and, for a novelty, a hoh-cauda. He was 
accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the 
species I had yet seen. I was addressed by the former. 

*'Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, 
with a sort of jerk, that I afterward learned was meant for a 
diplomatic salutation ; " you have not met with the very best 
treatment to-day, and I have been waiting for a good oppor- 
tunity to make my condolences, and to offer my services." 

" Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged ; 
and I must say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings, 



THE M N I K I N 8 . 261 

You will, Irowcvcr, allow me to express my surprise at your 
being acquainted with my real name, as well as with my mis- 
fortunes ?" 

" Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining 
people. The population is very much scattered in my coun- 
try, and we have fallen into a practice of inquiry that is very 
natural to such a state of things. I think you must have 
observed that in passing along a common highway, you 
rarely meet another without a nod ; while thousands arc met 
in a crowded street- without even a glance of the eye. We 
vievelop this principle, sir ; and never let any fact escape us 
for the want of a laudable curiosity." 

" You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then ?" 

" God forbid ! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great 
and a glorious republic that lies three days' sail from this 
island ; a new nation, which is in the enjoyment of all the 
advantages of youth and vigor, and which is a perfect mira- 
cle for the boldness of its conceptions, the purity of its 
institutions, and its sacred respect for the rights of monikins. 
I have the honor to be, moreover, the envoy-extraordinary 
and minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to the king of 
Leaphigh, a nation from which we originally sprung, but 
which we have left far behind us in the race of glory and 
usefulness. I ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in 
return for the advantage I possess on this head, in relation to 
yourself." 

Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one ot 
his visiting-cards, which contained as follows: — 

General-Commodore- Judge-Colonel 
People's Friend : 
Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipo- 
tentiary from the Kepiiblic of Leaplow, 
near Ms Majesty the King of Leaphigh. 

" Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, 
" T w^as not aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. 



252 THE MONIKINS. 

You appear to fill a variety of employments, and I make nc 
doubt, witli equal skill." 

" Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my pro- 
fessions as at another." 

" You will permit me to observe, however. General — a— a 
Judge — a — a — I scarcely know, dear sir, which of these 
titles is the most to your taste ?" 

" Use which you please, sir. — I began with General, but had 
got as low as Colonel before I left home. People's Friend is 
the only appellation of which I am at all tenacious. Call me 
People's Friend, sir, and you may call me any thing else you 
find most convenient." 

" Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if 
you have really, propria j^crsond^ filled all these different sta- 
tions in life ?" 

" Certainly, sir — I hope you do not mistake me for an im- 
postor!" 

" As far from it as possible. — But a judge and a commo- 
dore, for instance, are characters whose duties are so utterly 
at variance in human affairs, that I will allow I find the 
conjunction, even in a monikin, a little extraordinary." 

" Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my 
time out in them all, and have honorable discharges to show 
in every instance." 

" You must have found some perplexity in the performance 
of duties so very different ?" 

"Ah — I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to 
imbibe some of its prejudices ! It is a sad country for 
prejudice. I got my foot mired in some of them myself, as 
soon as it touched the land. "Why sir, my card is an illus- 
tration of what we call, in Leaplow, rotation in office." 

" Eotation in office !" 

" Yes, sir, rotation in ofiice ; a syskjm that we invented for 
our personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, aa 
it depends on principles that are eternal." 



THE MOKIKINS. 253 

" Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has an}' affin- 
ity to the social-stake system ?" 

" Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationa- 
ry, while this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We 
have in Leaplow two enormous boxes made in the form of 
wheels. Into one we put the names of the citizens, and into 
the other the names of the offices. We then draw forth, in 
the manner of a lottery ; and the thing is settled for a 
twelvemonth." 

" I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple — pray, sir, does 
it work as well as it promises ?" 

" To perfection. — We grease the wheels, of course, period- 
ically." 

" And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who 
are selected to draw their tickets ?" 

" Oh ! they are chosen precisely in the same way." 

" But those who draw their tickets ?" 

" All rotatory — they are drawn exactly on the same prin- 
ciple." 

" But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw 
their tickets — they may betray their trusts ?" 

" Impossible — they are always the most patriotic patriots 
of the land ! No, no, sir — we are not such dunces as to 
leave any thing to corruption. Chance does it all. Chance 
makes me a commodore to-day — a judge to-morrow. Chance 
makes the lottery boys, and chance makes the patriots. It 
is necessary to see in order to understand how much purer 
and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that 
is bred to the calling." 

" Why, this savors after all, of the' doctrine of descents, 
which is little more than matter of chance." 

" It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances 
centre in a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are 
our guarantees against abuses " 

" Hem !" — interrupted the companion of Commodore Peo- 



254 THE MONIKINS. 

pie's Friend, with an awkward distinctness, as if to recall 
himself to our recollection. 

" Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness — allow mc 
to present my fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentle- 
man who is on his travels, like yourself; and as excellent a 
fellow as is to be found in the whole monikin region." 

"Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaint 
ancc. — But, gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of 
politeness. A banquet that has cost a hundred promises 
is waiting my appearance ; and, as some of the expected 
guests are unavoidably absent, if you would favor me with 
your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour, in 
the further discussion of these important interests." 

As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to 
the proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the 
dinner-table. The commodore, who, it would seem, was 
habitually well fed, merely paid a little complimentary atten- 
tion to the banquet ; but Mr. Downright attacked it tooth and 
nail, and I had no great reason to regret the absence of Mr. 
Poke. In the mean time, the conversation did not flag. 

"I think I understand the outline of your system. Judge 
People's Friend," I resumed, " with the exception of the part 
that relates to the Patriots. Would it be asking too much 
to request a little explanation on that particular point ?" 

" Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded 
on a hint from nature ; a base, as you will concede, that is 
broad enough to sustain a universe. As a people, we are a 
hive that formerly swarmed from Leaphigh ; and finding our- 
selves free and independent, we set about forthwith building 
the social system, on not only a sure foundation, but on sure 
principles. Observing that nature dealt in duplicates, we 
pursued the hint, as the leading idea " 

" In duplicates, commodore !" 

" Certainly, Sir John — a monikin has two eyes, two ears, 
two nostrils, two lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two 



THE MONIKINS. 'Joo 

feet, and so on to the end of tlic chapter. On this hint, ^Ye 
ordered that there should be drawn, morally, in every district 
of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines, that should run 
at right angles to each other. These were termed the " po- 
litical landmarks " of the country ; and it was expected that 
every citizen should range himself along one or the other. 
All this you will understand, however, was a moral contriv- 
ance, not a physical one." 

" Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative V 
" Not legally, it is true ; but then, he who does not respect 
it is like one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally 
esteemed a poor devil, that the usage has a good deal more 
than the force of a law. At first, it was intended to make it 
a part of the constitution ; but one of our most experienced 
statesmen so clearly demonstrated that, by so doing, we 
should not only weaken the nature of the obligation, but 
most probably raise a party against it, that the idea was aban- 
doned. Indeed, if any thing, both the letter and the spirit of 
the fundamental law have been made to lean a little against 
the practice ; but having been cleverly introduced, in the way 
of construction, it is now bone of our bone, and flesh of our 
flesh. Well, sir, these two great political landmarks being 
fairly drawn, the first eff'ort of one who aspires to be thought 
a patriot is, to acquire the practice of 'toeing the mark' 
promptly and with facility. But should I illustrate my posi- 
tions by a few experiments, you might comprehend the sub- 
ject all the better. — For though, in fact, the true evolutions 
are purely moral, as I have just had the honor to explain, yet 
we have instituted a physical parallel that is very congenial 
to our habits, with which the neophyte always commences." 
Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two 
very distinct lines, crossing each other at right angles, through 
the centre of the room. When this was done, he placed his 
feet together, and then he invited me to examine if it were 
possible to see any part of the planks between the extremi- 



256 THE MONIKINS. 

ties of Lis toes and the lines. After a rigid look, I was com 
pellcd to confess it was not. 

" Tiiis is what we call ' toeing the mark ;' it is * social 
position, No. 1.' Almost every citizen gets to be expert in 
practising it, on one or the other of the two great political 
lines. After this, he who would push his fortunes further, 
commences his career on the great rotatory principle." 

" Your pardon, commodore ; we call the word rotary, in 
English." 

" Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning ; and 
therefore we term it ' rotatory.' I shall now give you an ex- 
ample of position No. 2." 

Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, 
as a soldier would express it, to the " right about," bringing, 
at the same time, his feet entirely on the other side of the ' 
line ; always rigidly toeing the mark. 

" Sir," said I, " this was extremely well done ; but is this 
evolution as useful as certainly it is dexterous ?" 

"It has the advantage of changing front. Sir John ; a ma- 
noeuvre quite as useful in politics as in war. Most all in the 
line get to practise this, too, as my friend Downright, there, 
could show you, were he so disposed." 

" I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than 
another," growled the brigadier. 

" If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or posi- 
tion No. 3." 

On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commo- 
dore put himself again in position No. 1 ; and then he threw 
what Captain Poke was in the habit of calling a "flap-jack," 
or a summerset ; coming down in a way tenaciously to too 
the mark. 

I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, 
and frankly expressed as much ; inquiring, at the same time, 
if many attained to the same skill. Both the commodore 
and the brigadier laughed at the simplicity of the question ; 



T n E M N I K I N S . ZO I 

the former answering that the people of Leaplow were ex- 
ceedingly active and adventurous, and both lines had got to 
be so expert, that, at the word of command, they would 
throw their summersets in as exact time, and quite as prompt- 
ly as a regiment of guards would go through the evolution 
of slapping their cartridge-boxes. 

*' What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, " the entire pop- 
ulation !" 

"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but 
lie is instantly kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for 
nothing." 

" But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether 
too general to admit of the chance selection of patriots, since 
patriotism is usually a monopoly." 

" Very true. Sir John ; I shall therefore come to the main 
point without delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of 
the whole population, as you say; few refusing to toe the 
mark, or to throw the necessary flap-jacks, as you have in- 
geniously termed them. The lines, as you may perceive, 
cross each other at right angles ; and there is consequently 
some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal of jostling, at 
and near the point of junction. We begin to term a moni- 
kin a patriot when he can perform this evolution." 

Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with 
such rapidity that I could not very well tell what he was 
about, though it was sufficiently apparent that he was acting 
entirely on the rotatory principle. I observed that he alight- 
ed, with singular accuracy, on the very spot where he had 
stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful precision. 

"That is what we call gyration Sd, or position No. 4. He 
who can execute it is considered an adept in our politics ; and 
he invariably takes his position near the enemy, or at the 
junction of the hostile lines." 

"How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with 
citizens of the same country, deemed hostile !" 



258 THE MONIKINS. 

" Arc cats and dogs hostile, sir ? Certainly, altlioiigli 
standing, as it might be, face to face, acting on precisely 
the same principle, or the rotatory impulse, and professing 
to have exactly the same object in view, viz., the common 
good, they are social, political, and I might almost say, the 
moral antipodes of each other. They rarely intermarry, 
never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to one another. 
In short, as the brigadier could tell you, if he were so dis- 
posed, they are antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, 
they are enemies." 

" This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens !" 

" 'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright ; " no 
doubt, sir, men are much wiser ?" 

As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present 
topic, I merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge 
to proceed. 

"Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can easily imagine 
that they who are placed near the point where the two lines 
meet, have no sinecures. To speak the truth, they black- 
guard each other with all their abilities, he who manifests 
the most inventive genius in this high accomplishment, 
being commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now, sir, 
none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, endure this 
without some other motive than his country's good, and so 
we esteem them." 

" But the most patriotic" patriots, commodore ?" 

The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, plac- 
ing himself within a few feet of the point of junction between 
the two lines ; and then he begged me to pay particular at- 
tention to his evolution. When all was ready, the commo- 
dore threw himself, as it were, invisibly into the air, again 
head over heels, so far as I could discover, and alighted on 
the antagonist line, toeing the mark with a most astonishing 
particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a doubt ; and 
the performer looked toward me, as if inviting commendation. 



THE MONIKINS. 259 

** Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one 
to believe tliat you must have paid great attention to the 
practice." 

" I have performed this manoeuvre. Sir John, five times in 
real life ; and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded 
on its invariable success. A single false step might have 
ruined me ; but as you say, practice mates perfect, and per- 
fection is the parent of success." 

" And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a 
desertion of one's own side, to go over, in this active man- 
ner, head over heels, I may say, to another side, constitutes a 
fair claim to be deemed so pure a character as that of a 
patriot." 

" What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly 
into the very middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of 
the combat ? Now, as this is a political struggle, and not a 
warlike struggle, but one in which the good of the country is 
alone uppermost, the monikin who thus manifests the great- 
est devotion to the cause, must be the purest patriot. I give 
you my honor, sir, all my own claims are founded entirely on 
this particular merit." 

"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he 
says," observed the brigadier, nodding. 

" I begin to understand your system, which is certainly 
well adapted to the monikin habits, and must give rise to a 
noble emulation in the practice of the rotatory principle. 
But I understood you to say, colonel, that the people of 
Leaplow are from the hive o Leaphigh ?" 

"Just so, sir." 

"How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the 
nobler member, while the inhabitants of this country cherish 
it as the apple of the eye — nay, as the seat of reason itself?" 

" You allude to our tails ? — Why, sir, nature has dealt out 
these ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may per- 
ceive on looking out of the window. We agree that the tail 



260 THiE MONIKli^S. 

is the seat of reason, and that tlie extremities are the most 
intellectual parts ; but, as governments are framed to equalize 
these natural inequalities, we denounce them as anti-republi- 
can. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, on at- 
taining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a standard 
measure that is kept in each district. Without some such 
expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect among 
us, and there w^ould be an end of our liberties. This is the 
qualification of a voter, too, and of course we all seek to ob- 
tain it." 

Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered 
that a great patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded 
in throwino" a summerset out of his own into the antae'onist 
line, and that, as he carried with him all the sacred princi- 
ples for which his party had been furiously contending for 
many years, he had been unceremoniously dragged back by 
his tail, which unfortunately came within reacli of those 
quondam friends on whom he had turned his back; and 
that the law had, in truth, been passed in the interests of 
the patriots. He added, that the lawful measure allowed a 
longer stump than was commonly used ; but that it was con- 
sidered underbred for any one to wear a dock that reached 
more than two inches and three quarters of an inch into 
society, and that most of their political aspirants, in particu- 
lar, chose to limit themselves to one inch and one quarter of 
an inch, as a proof of excessive humility. 

Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible expla- 
nation, the conversation was resumed. 

" I had thought, as your institutions arc founded on reason 
and nature, judge," I continued, " that you would be more 
disposed to cultivate this member than to mutilate it ; and 
this the more especially, as I understand all monikins believe 
it to be the very quintessence of reason." 

" No doubt, sir ; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the 
vegetable principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch 



THEM ONIKIN S. 2G1 

tliat it may throw out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we 
do not expect to see the tail itself sprouting out anew ; but 
then we look to the increase of its reason, and to its more 
general diffusion in society. The extremities of our caudce, 
as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great intellectual 
mill, where the mind is extracted from the matter, and the 
former is sold, on public account, to the editors of the daily 
journals. This is the reason our Leaplow journalists are so 
distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the rea- 
son, too, why they so faithfully represent the average of the 
Leaplow knowledge." 

"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier. 

" I see the beauty of the system, judge , and very beautiful 
it is ! This essence of lopped tails represents the average of 
Leaplow brains, being a compound of all the tails in the 
country ; and as a daily journal is addressed to the average 
intellect of the community, there is a singular fitness be- 
tween the readers and the readees. To complete my stock 
of information on this head, however, will you just allow mo 
to inquire what is the effect of this system on the totality 
of Leaplow intelligence?" 

" Wonderful ! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary 
to have a unity of sentimeift on all leading matters, and by 
thus compounding all the extremes of our reasons, we get 
what is called ' public opinion ;' which public opinion is utter- 
ed through the public journals " 

" And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the 
inspector of the mill," interrupted the brigadier. 

" Better and better ! you send all the finer parts of your 
several intellects to be ground up and kneaded together ; the 
compound is sold to the journalists, who utter it anew, as 
the results of the united wisdom of the country !" 

" Or, as public opinion. "We make great account of reason 
m all our affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most en- 
lightened nation on earth ; but then we are especially averse 



262 THE MONIKINS. 

to any thing like an insulated eflfort of tlie mind, wliicli ia 
offensive, anti-republican, aristocratic and dangerous. We 
put all our trust in this representation of brains, which is 
singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of our 
society, as you must perceive." 

" We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier ; 
"and being much accustomed to the laws of insurance, wc 
like to deal in averages." 

" Very true, brother Downright ; very true. We are par- 
ticularly averse to any thing like inequality. Ods zooks ! it 
is almost as great an offence for a monikin to know more 
than his neighbors, as it is for him to act on his own impulses. 
No — no — we are truly a free and an independent common- 
wealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to public 
opinion, in all he does, says, thinks or wishes." 

" Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send 
their tails to the same mills, and respect the same general 
sentiments ?" 

" No, sir ; we have two public opinions in Leaplow." 

" Two public opinions !" 

" Certainly, sir ; the horizontal and the perpendicular." 

" This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and 
one that I hold to be almost impossible !" 

Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both 
laughed as hard as they could ; and that, too, directly in my 
face. 

" Dear me. Sir John — why, my dear Sir John ! you are 
really the drollest creature!" — gasped the judge, holding his 
sides — "the very funniest question I have ev — ev — ever en- 
countered !" He now stopped to wipe his eyes ; after which 
he was better able to express himself. "The same public 
opinion, forsooth ! — Dear me — dear me, that I should not 
have made myself understood ! — I commenced, my good Sir 
John, by telling you that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from 
nature ; and that we act on the rotatory principle. In obe- 



THE MONIKINS. 263" 

dicnce to the first, we have always two public opinions ; and, 
although the great political landmarks are drawn in what 
may be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth rota- 
tory. One, which is thought to He parallel to the fundamen- 
tal law, or the constitutional meridian of the country, is 
termed the horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. 
Now, as nothing is really stationary in Leaplow, these two 
great landmarks are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory 
principle, changing places periodically ; the perpendicular 
becoming the horizontal, and vice versa ; they who toe their 
respective marks, necessarily taking new views of things as 
they vary the line of sight. These great revolutions are, 
however, very slow, and are quite as imperceptible to those 
who accompany them, as are the revolutions of our planet to 
its inhabitants." 

"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has 
justnx)w spoken," added the brigadier, are much the same as 
the eccentric movements of the comets that embellish the solar 
system, without deranging it by their uncertain courses." 

" No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but 
one public opinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not 
know what would become of the most patriotic patriots in 
such a dilemma !" 

" Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have 
as many places as there are citizens ?" 

" Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the 
two great subdivisions of the ' inner' and the ' outer.' Those 
who toe the mark on the most popular line occupy the for- 
mer, and those who toe the mark on the least popular line 
take all the rest, as a matter of course. The first, however, 
it is necessary to explain, are the only places worth having. 
As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly 
equally divided " 

"Excuse the interruption — but in what manner is this ef 
fected V 



204 THE MONIKINS. 

'* Why, as only a certain number can toe the marlcy wc 
count all those who are not successful in getting up to the 
line, as outcasts; and, after fruitlessly hanging about our 
skirts for a time, they invariably go over to the other line ; 
since it is better to be first in a village than second in Rome. 
We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in the state, 
which, as you must know, is necessary to liberty. The mi- 
nority take the outer places, and all the inner are left to the 
majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places; 
that is to say, one division is formed of the honorary, and 
another of the profitable places. The honorary, or about 
nine-tenths of all the inner places, are divided, with great 
impartiality, among the mass of those who have toed the mark 
on the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the 
glory of the victory. The names of the remainder are put 
into the wheels to be drawn for against the prizes, on the 
rotatory principle." 

"And the patriots, sir; — are they included in this chance- 
medley?" 

" Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a 
little wheel to themselves, although they, also, are compelled 
to submit to the rotatory principle. Their cases differ from 
those of the others, merely in the fact that they always get 



I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was 
opening a flood of light upon my political understanding ; 
but just then, a fellow with the air of a footman entered, 
carrying a packet tied to the end of his cauda. Turning 
round, he presented his burden, with profound respect, and 
withdrew. I found that the packet contained three notes 
with the following addresses : 

"To his Royal H'ghness Bob, Prince of Wales, &c., &c., &c." 
" To my Lord High Admiral Poke, &c., &c., &c. 
*'To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, &c., &c., &c. 



THE MONIKINS. 205 

Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was 
eagerly opened. It read as follows : 

"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatteriuo, Lord of the Bed-Cham- 
ber in waiting on his Majesty, informs Master John Goldeucalf, Clerk^ 
that he is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when tbo 
nuptial ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the 
Lady Chatterissa, the first Maid of Honor to her Majesty the Queen. 

" N. B. T}i.e gentlemen will appear in full dress" 

On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he 
informed me that he was aware of the approaching ceremony, 
as he had also an invitation to be present, in his official char- 
acter. I begged, as a particular favor, England having no 
representative at Leaphigh, that he w^ould do me the honor 
to present me, in his capacity of a foreign minister. The 
envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to the 
costume necessary to be observed ; as, so far as I had seen, it 
was good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy 
had the goodness to expkin, that, although, in point of mere 
attire, clothing was extremely offensive to the people of both 
Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no one 
could present himself at court, foreign ministers excepted, 
without a Cauda. As soon as we understood each other on 
these points, we separated, with an understanding that I was 
to be in readiness (together with my companions, of whose 
interest I had not been forgetful) to attend the envoy and 
the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an hour that 
was named. 
12 



266 THE MONIKINS. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER — JUSTICE IN VARIOUS AS- 
PECTS, AS WELL AS HONOR. 

My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the land- 
lady, to inquire if any court-dresses were to be had in the 
neighborhood. She told me plenty might certainly be had, 
that were suited to the monikin dimensions, but she much 
doubted whether there was a tail in all Leaphigh, natural or 
artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my stature. This 
was vexatious ; and I was in a brown study, calling up all my 
resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, 
carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember 
ever to have seen. Throwing one toward me, he said the 
lord high admiral of Leaphigh had acquainted him, that 
there was an invitation out for the prince and himself, as well 
as for the governor of the former, to be present at court 
within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a 
very good dinner, considering there was nothing solid (the 
captain was particularly fond of pickled pork), to let me know 
the honor that was intended us ; and on the way home, he 
had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on being acquainted 
with his errand, had not failed to point out the necessity of 
the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a di- 
lemma, with a vengeance ; for the first idea that struck the 
captain was, "the utter impossibility of finding any thing in 
this way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his 
length of keel ; for, as to going in an- ordinary monikin 
queue J why, he should look like a three-decked ship, with a 
brig's spar stepped for a lower mast !" Dr. Reasono, how- 
ever, had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting 



THE MONIKINS. 2G7 

him to the cabinet of natural history, where three suitable 
appendages had been found, viz., two fine relics of oxen,* 
and another, a capital specimen, that had formerly been the 
mental lever, or as the captain expressed it, " the steering 
oar" of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, 
with a kind consideration for the honor of Great Britain, to 
Prince Bob, who was at a villa of one of the royal family, in 
the neighborhood of Aggregation. 

I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in help- 
ing me to a good fit with my court-dress. There was not 
time for much particularity, for we were in momentary ex- 
pectation of Judge People's Friend's return. All we could 
do, therefore, was to make a belt of canvas (the captain 
being always provided with needles, palm, &c., in his bag), 
and to introduce the smaller end of the tail through a hole 
in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the cloth, which, in 
its turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was but an 
indifi'erent substitute for the natural appendage, it is true ; 
and the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that it 
was impossible for the least observant person to imagine 
there was a particle of brains in it. The arrangement had 
also another disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at 
right angles with the position o&the body, and beside occupy- 
ing much more space than would probably be permitted in 
the royal presence, " it gave any jackanapes" as Noah observed, 
" the great advantage over us, of making us yaw at pleasure, 
since he might use the outriggers as levers." But a seaman 
is inexhaustible in expedients. Two " back-stays," or " bob- 
stays" (for the captain facetiously gave them both appella- 
tions), were soon " turned in," and the tails were " stayed in, 
in a way to bring them as upright as trysail masts ;" to 
which spars, indeed, according to Noah's account of the 
matter, they bore no small resemblance. 

* Caxidce Boviim.—Bxrs: 



2C8 THE MONIKINS. 

The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his 
friend, Brigadier Downright, arrived just as we were dressed ; 
and a most extraordinary fio:nre the former cut, if truth 
must be said. Although obliged to be docked, according to 
the Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought dowii to a real 
bob, by both the public opinions of his country, for this was 
one of the few points on which these antagonist sentiments 
were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just the largest 
brush I remember to have seen appended to a monikin ! I 
felt a strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican on 
this coquetry ; but then I remembered how sweet any stolen 
indulgence becomes ; and, for the life of me, I could not give 
utterance to a hon-mot. Tlie elegance of the minister was 
rendered the more conspicuous by the simplicity of the brig- 
adier, who had contrived to moustache his dock, a very short 
one at the best, in such a manner as to render it nearly in- 
visible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr. Downright about 
his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers, 
and gave me to understand he knew better. He appeared 
as a brigadier of Leaplow (I found afterward that he was in 
truth no soldier, but that it was a fashion among his country- 
men to travel under the tiXle of brigadier), and this was his 
uniform; and he should like to see the chamberlain who 
would presume to call in question the state of his wardrobe ! 
As it was no aflfair of mine, I prudently dropped the subject, 
and we were soon in the court of the palace. 

I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the 
sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and 
conduct the reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we 
found the usual throng composed of those 'who live in the 
smiles of princes. There was a great deal of politeness, 
much bowing and curtseying, and the customary amount of 
genteel empressement to be the first to bask in the sunshine 
of royalty. Judge People's Friend, in his character of a 
foreign minister, was privileged ; and we had enjoyed the 



THE MONIKINS. 269 

private entree, and were now, of right, placed nearest to tlie 
great' doors of tlie royal apartments. Most of the diplomatic 
corps were already in attendance, and, quite as a matter of 
course, there were a great many cordial manifestations of the 
ardent attachment that bound them and their masters together, 
in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge Peo- 
ple's Friend, according to his own account of the matter, rep- 
resented a great nation — a very great nation — and yet I did 
not perceive that he met with a warm — a very warm — recep- 
tion. However, as he seemed satisfied with himself, and all 
around him, it would have been unkind, not to say rude, in 
a stranger to disturb his self-esteem ; and I took especial care, 
therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion 
that a good many near his person seemed to think him and 
his artificial queue somewhat in the way. The courtiers of 
Leaphigh, in particular, who are an exceedingly exclusive 
and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of 
the judge with an evil eye ; and one or two of them ac- 
tually held their noses as he flourished his brush a little 
too near their sacred faces, as if they found its odor 
out of fashion. "While making these silent observations, a 
page cried out from the lower part of the saloon, "Koom for 
his royal highness the crown prince of Great Britain!" Tlie 
crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked up the 
avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base 
of his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in 
keeping with the rascal's assumed character. The union-jack 
was thrown over his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and 
it was supported by the cook and steward of the Walrus 
(two blacks), both clothed as alligators. The kangaroo's tail 
was rigged in a way to excite audible evidences of envy in 
the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, the captain whis- 
pered, " did the young dog great credit, for it looked as nat- 
ural as the best wig he had ever seen ; and then, in addition 
to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the yoke- 



270 THE MONIKINS. 

lines of a boat, or in sucli a way, that by holding one in each 
hand, the brush could be worked 'starboard and larboard' 
like a rudder." I have taken this description mainly from 
the mouth of the captain, and most sincerely do I hope it 
may be intelligible to the reader. 

Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages ; for, on 
reaching the upper end of the room, he began whisking his 
tail, and flourishing it to the right and left, so as to excite a 
very perceptible and lively admiration in the mind of Judge 
People's Friend — an effect that so much the more proved 
the wearer's address, for that high functionary was bound ex 
officio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtly vani- 
ties. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, however; and 
when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity 
to turn his back on his master, and to work his brush under 
his very nose, human nature could endure no more. The 
right leg of my lord high admiral slowly retired, with some- 
what of the caution of the cat about to spring, and then it 
was projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted 
the crown prince from the floor. 

The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an ex- 
clamation of pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the 
courtiers ran forward involuntarily to aid him — for courtiers 
always ran involuntarily to the succor of princes. At least a 
dozen of the ladies offered their smelling-bottles, with the 
most amiable assiduity and concern. To prevent any disa- 
greeable consequences, however, I hastened to acquaint the 
crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff" and kick 
the whole royal family ; and that, in short, it is no more than 
the customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof 
of what I said, I took good care to give the saucy young 
scoundrel a touch of my own homage. The monikins, who 
know that different customs prevail in different nations, 
hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in the 
same manner ; and both the cook and steward re licved their 



THE MONIKINS. 27l 

ennui by falling into the track of imitation. Bob could 
not stand the last applications ; and he was about to beat a 
retreat, when the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct 
him to the royal presence. 

The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were 
paid to the imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the 
court of Leaphigh entertained any peculiar respect for that 
of Great Britain. It was merely done on the principle that 
governed the conduct of our own learned sovereign, King 
James I., when he refused to see the amiable Pocahontas of 
Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by intermarrying 
with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and not 
to the individual, to his species, or to his nation. 

Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob 
was glad enough to get out of the presence of Captain Poke 
— Avho had akeady pretty plainly threatened, in the Stunin'- 
tun dialect, to unship his cauda — into that of the majesty of 
Leaphigh. A few minutes afterward, the doors were thrown 
open, and the whole company advanced into the royal apart- 
ments. 

The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs, in many 
essential particulars from the etiquette of any other court in 
the monikin region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, 
is ever visible to any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly 
known. On the present occasion, two thrones were placed at 
opposite extremities of the saloon, and a magnificent crim- 
son damask curtain was so closely drawn before each, that it 
was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest 
step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber, 
who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted 
the parts of the illustrious couple. The reader will under- 
stand, therefore, that all which is here attributed to either of 
these great personages, was in fact perfonned by one or the 
other of the substitutes named, and that I never had the 
honor of actually standing face to face w-^^h ^heir majesties. 



272 THE MONIKINS. 

Every thing that is now about to be related, in short, was ac- 
tually done by deputy, on the part of the monarch and hia 
wife. 

The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the 
power belonging to his eldest first cousin of the masculine 
gender, and any intercourse with him is entirely of a disinter- 
ested or of a sentimental character. He is the head of the 
church — after a very secular fashion, however; — all the 
bishops and clergy therefore got down on their knees and 
said their prayers; though the captain suggested that it 
might be their catechisms ; I never knew which. I observed, 
also, that all his law oflBcers did the same thing ; but as they 
never pray, and do not know their catechisms, I presume the 
genuflections were to beg something better than the places 
they actually filled. After this, came a long train of military 
and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his paw. The 
civilians next had a chance, and then it was our turn to be 
presented. 

' ' I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of 
Great Britain to your majesty," said Judge People's Friend, 
who had waived his official privilege of going first, in order 
to do us this favor in person ; it having been decided, on a 
review of all the principles that touched the case, that noth- 
ing human could take precedence of a monikin at court, 
always making the exception in favor of royalty, as in the case 
of Prince Bob. 

" I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke," the 
king politely rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in 
recognizing Noah by his family name, to the great surprise 
of the old sealer. 

''King!" 

*'You were about to remark? " most graciously in- 
quired his majesty, a little at a loss to understand what his 
visitor would be at. 

"Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your mem 



THE MONIKINS. 273 

ory, Mr. King, wMcli lias enabled you to recall a name that 
you probably never before beard !" 

There was now a great, and to me, a ver} unaccountable 
confusion in the circle. It would seem, that the captain bad 
unwittingly tresspassed on two of the most important of tbe 
rules of etiquette, in very mortal points. He bad confessed 
to tbe admission of an emotion as vulgar as tbat of astonisb- 
ment in tbe royal presence, and be bad intimated tbat bis 
majesty bad a memory ; a property of tbe mind wbicb, as it 
migbt prove dangerous to tbe liberties of Leapbigb, were it left 
in tbe keeping of any but a responsible minister, it bad long 
been decided it was felony to impute to tbe king. By tbe 
fundamental law of tbe land, tbe king's eldest first-cousin of 
tbe masculine gender, may bave as many memories as be 
please, and be may use tbem, or abuse tbem, as be sball see 
fit, botb in private or in tbe public service ; but it is beld to be 
utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by conse 
quence, extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in tbe most re 
mote manner, tbat tbe king bimself bas either a memory, a 
will, a determination, a resolution, a desire, a conceit, an in- 
tention, or, in short, any other intellectual property, tbat of a 
''royal pleasure" alone excepted. It is botb constitutional 
and parliamentary to say the king bas a "royal pleasure" 
provided tbe context goes to prove tbat this "royal pleasure" 
is entirely at the disposition of bis eldest first-cousin of tbe 
masculine gender. 

When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with bis mistake, be 
discovered a proper contrition ; and tbe final decision of tbe 
aff"air was postponed, in order to bave the opinion of the 
judges on tbe propriety of taking bail, wbicb I promptly 
ofi'ered to put in, in behalf of my old shipmate. This dis- 
agreeable little interruption temporarily disposed of, the 
business of tbe drawing-room went on. 

Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much in- 
clined (always by deputy) to overlook tlie little mistake into 



274 THE MONIKINS. 

which he had fallen with her royal consort, and to receive hira 
graciously. 

*'May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present 
to your majesty's royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord 
high admiral of a distant and but little known country, called 
Great Britain," said the gold stick of the evening — Judge 
People's Friend being afraid of committing Leaplow, and de- 
clining to introduce the captain to any one else. 

"Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the 
Prince Bob !" observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious 
manner. 

"No, marm," put in the sealer, promptly, "your cousin 
Bob is no cousin of mine ; and if it were lawful for your 
majesty to have a memory, or an inclination, or any thing else 
in that way, I should beg the favor of you to order the young 
blackguard to be soundly threshed." 

The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy ! It would 
feeem Noah had now actually fallen into a more serious error 
than the mistake he had made with the king. By the law 
of Leaphigh, the queen is not a feme coverte. She can 
sue and be sued in her own name, holds her separate estate, 
without the intervention of trustees, and is supposed to have 
a memory, a will, an inclination, or any thing else in that way, 
except a "royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of right, lay 
claim. As to her, the king's first-cousin is a dead letter; he 
having no more control over her conscience than he has over 
the conscience of an apple-woman. In short, her majesty is 
quite as much the mistress of her own convictions and con- 
science as it probably ever falls to the lot of women in such 
high stations to be the mistress of interests that are of so 
much importance to those around them. Noah, innocently 
enough, I do firmly believe, had seriously wounded all those 
nice sensibilities which are naturally dependent on such an 
improved condition of society. Forbearance could go no 
farther, and I saw, by the dark looks around me, that tho 



THE MONIKINS. 275 

captain had committed a serious crime. lie was immediate- 
ly arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining 
room, into wliich I obtained admission, after a good deal of 
solicitation and some very strong appeals to the sacred char- 
acter of the rights of hospitality. 

It now appeared, that in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are 
decided on a principle very similar to the one we employ in 
England m judging of the quality of our wines, viz., its age. 
The older a law, the more it is to be respected, no doubt be- 
cause, having proved its fitness by outlasting all the changes 
of society, it has become more mellow, if not more palatable. 
Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is coeval with the monarchy, 
he who offends the queen's majesty at a levee, is to lose his 
head; and he who, under the same circumstances, offends 
the king's majesty, necessarily the more heinous offence, is to 
lose his tail. In consequence of the foimer punishment, the 
criminal is invariably buried, and he is consigned to the usual 
course of monikin regeneration and resuscitation ; but in con- 
sequence of the latter, it is thought that he is com^^letely 
thrown without the pale of reason, and is thereby consigned 
to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind dimin- 
ishes, and his body increases; the brain, for want of the 
means of development, takes the ascending movement of sap 
again; his forehead dilates; bumps reappear; and, finally, 
after passing gradually downward in the scale of intellect, he 
becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such, at least, is the 
theory of his punishment. 

By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any 
one who offends in the king's palace may be tried by a very 
summary process, the king's pages acting as his judges ; in 
which case the sentence is to be executed without delay. 

Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion 
at court, was suddenly reduced ; and, but for my prompt in- 
terference, he would probably have been simultaneously de- 
capitated at both extremities, in obedience to an etiquette 



276 THE MONIKINS. 

which prescribes that, under the circumstances of a court 
trial, neither the king's nor the queen's rights shall be entitled 
to precedence. In defence of my client I urged his ignorance 
of the usages of the country, and, indeed, of all other civil- 
ized countries, Stunnin'tun alone excepted. I stated that the 
criminal was an object altogether unworthy of their notice; 
that he was not a lord high admiral at all, but a mere pitifu 
sealer ; I laid some stress on the importance of maintaining 
friendly relations with the sealers, who cruise so near the 
monikin region; I tried to convince the judges that Noah 
meant no harm in imputing moral properties to the king, and 
that so long as he did not impute immoral properties to his 
royal consort, she might very well afford to pardon him. I 
then quoted Shakspeare's celebrated lines on mercy, which 
seemed to be well enough received, and committed the whole 
affair to their better judgment. 

I should have got along very creditably, and most probably 
obtained the immediate discharge of my friend, had not the 
attorney-general of Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into 
the room. Although he had nothing to say to the merits of 
my arguments, he objected to every one of them, on the 
ground of formality. This was too long, and that was too 
short ; one was too high, and another too low ; a fifth was 
too broad, and a sixth too narrow; in short, there was no 
figure of speech of this nature to which he did not resort, 
in order to prove their worthlessness, with the exception that 
I do not remember he charged any of my reasons with being 
too deep. 

Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, 
when a page came skipping in, to say that the wedding was 
about to take place, and that if his comrades wished to wit- 
ness it, they must sentence the prisoner without delay. Many 
a man, it is said, has been hanged, in order that the judge 
might dine ; but, in the present instance, I do believe Cap- 
tain Poke was spared, in order that his judges might not miss 



THE MONIKINS. 277 

a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, in fifty tliou 
sand promises, for the due appearance of the criminal on the 
following morning ; and we all returned, in a body, to the 
presence-chamber, treading on each other's tails, in the eager- 
ness to be foremost. 

Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very 
well know that, while it is the easiest thing in the world to 
throw it into commotion by a violation of etiquette, matters 
of mere life and death are not at all of a nature to disturb its 
tranquillity. There, every thing is a matter of routine and 
propriety ; and, to judge from experience, nothing is so un- 
seemly as to appear to possess human sympathies. The fact 
is not very different at Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, 
apparently, are quite as obtuse as those of men; although 
justice compels me to allow, that in the case of Captain Poke, 
the appeal was made in behalf of a creature of a different 
species. It is also a settled principle of Leaphigh jurispru- 
dence, that it would be monstrous for the king to interfere in 
behalf of justice — justice, however, being always adminis- 
tered in his name; although it certainly is not held to be 
quite so improper for him to interfere in behalf of those who 
have ofiended justice. 

As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it re- 
quires a very advanced stage of civilization fully to compre- 
hend, both the king and queen received our whole party, 
when we came back into the presence, exactly as if nothing 
particular had occurred. Noah wore both head and tail erect, 
like another ; and the lord high admiral of Leaphigh drop- 
ped into a familiar conversation with him, on the subject of 
ballasting ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he were on 
the best possible terms with the whole royal family. This 
moral sangfroid is not to be ascribed to phlegm, but is, in 
fact, the result of high mental discipline, which causes the 
courtier to be utterly destitute of all feeling, except in casea 
that aflcct himself. 



278 THE MONIKINS. 

It was higli time, now; that I should be presented. Judge 
People's Friend, who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah 
with diplomatic unconcern, very politely renewed the offer of 
his services in my favor, and I went forward and stood before 
the throne. 

'^Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary charac- 
ter among men, a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf," said 
the envoy, bowing to his majesty. 

"He is welcome to my court," returned the king by proxy. 
"Pray, Mr. People's friend, is not this one of the human 
beings who have lately arrived in my dominion*, and who 
have shown so much cleverness in getting Chatterino and his 
governor through the ice?" 

"The very same, please your majesty ; and a very arduous 
sciTice it was, and right cleverly performed." 

"This reminds me of a duty. — Let my cousin be sum- 
moned." 

I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of 
the saying which teaches us that justice, though sometimes 
slow, never fails to arrive at last. I had also, now, and for 
the first time, a good view of the king's eldest first-cousin of 
the masculine gender, who drew near at the summons ; and, 
while he had the appearance of listening with the most pro- 
found attention to the instructions of the king of Leaphigh, 
was very evidently telling that potentate what he ought to 
do. The conference ended, his majesty's proxy spoke in a 
way to be heard by all who had the good fortune to be near 
the royal person. 

"Reasono did a good thing," he said; "really, a very 
good thing, in bringing us these specimens of the human 
family. But for his cleverness, I might have died without 
ever dreaming that men were gifted with tails." (Kings 
never get hold of the truth at the right end.) " I wonder if 
the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta, thaf 
men had tails?" 



THE MONIKINS. 270 

"Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better 
opDortunities tlian your majesty enjoys, to study these mat- 
ters," returned His royal consort, by tbe mouth of her lady of 
the bed-chamber. 

^'I dare say I'm very silly — but our cousin, here, thinks 
it might be well to do something for these good people, for 
it may encourage their king himself to visit us some day." 

An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who de- 
clared, one and all, it would be delightful to see a real human 
king — it would be so funny ! 

"Well, well," added the good-natured monarch, "Heaven 
knows what may happen, for I have seen stranger things. 
Really, we ought to do something for these good people ; for, 
although we owe the pleasure of their visit, in a great degree, 
to the cleverness of Reasono — who, by the way, I'm glad to 
hear is declared an H. O. A. X. — yet he very handsomely 
admits, that but for their exertions — none of our seamikins 
being within reach — it would have been quite impossible to 
get through the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the 
cleverest and the most useful of their party." 

Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, 
suggested the propriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob. 

"It would be no more than is due to his rank ; for though 
they are men, I dare say they have feelings hke ourselves." 

The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judg- 
ment on us all, with as much gravity as if accustomed to such 
duties from infancy. It is said that men soon get to be famil- 
iar with elevation, and that, while he who has fallen never 
fails to look backward, he who has risen invariably limits his 
vision to the present horizon. Such proved to be the case 
with the princely Bob. 

"This person," observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, 
"is a very good sort of person, it is true, but he is hardly 
the sort of person your majesty wants just now. There is 
the lord high admiral, too — but — " (Bob's but was cnven- 



280 THE MONIKINS. 

omed by a tliousand kicks!) — "but — you wish, sire, to 
know wliich of my father's subjects was tlie most useful in 
getting the ship to LeapMgli?" 

"That is precisely the fact I desire to know." 

Bob, hereupon, pointed to the cook; who, it will be re- 
membered, was present as one of his train-bearers. 

"I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man. He fed 
us all ; and without food, and that in considerable quantities, 
too, nothing could have been done." 

The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by 
exclamations of pleasure from all around him. — "It was so 
clever a distinction," — "it showed so much reflection," — "it 
was so very profound," — "it proved how much he regarded 
the base of society," — in short, "it was evident England 
would be a happy country, when he should be called to the 
throne!" In the mean time the cook was required to come 
forth, and kneel before his majesty. 

"What is your name?" whispered the lord of the bed- 
chamber, who now spoke for himself. 

"Jack Coppers, your honor." 

The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his 
majesty,- when the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his 
back toward Jack, and, giving him the accolade with his 
tail, he bade him rise, as "Sir Jack Coppers." 

I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this 
act of gross and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me 
aside, and then I recognized the voice of Brigadier Down - 
right. 

"You think that honors have alighted where they are least 
due. You think that the saying of your crown prince has 
more smartness than truth, more malice than honesty. You 
think that the court has judged on false principles, and acted 
on an nnpulse rather than on reason ; that the king has con- 
sulted his own ease in affecting to do justice ; that the cour- 
tiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting to pay 



THE MONIKINS 



281 



a liomage to merit ; and that notMng in tliis life is pure or 
free from the taint of falsehood, selfishness or vanity. Alas ! 
this is too much the case with us monikins, I must allow ; 
though, doubtless, among men you manage a vast deal more 
oleverly." 




282 THE MONIKINS, 



CHAPTER XIX. 

ABODT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, 
A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLO- 
MACY INCLUDED. 

Perceiving that Brio-adicr Downridit liad an observant, 
mind, and tliat he was altogether superior to the clannish feel- 
ing which is so apt to render a particular species inimical to 
all others, I asked permission to cultivate his acquaintance ; 
begging, at the same time, that he would kindly favor me 
with such remarks as might be suggested by his superior 
wisdom and extensive travels, on any of those customs or 
opinions that would naturally present themselves in our actual 
situation. The brigadier took the request in good part, and 
we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the 
Archbishop of Aggregation, who was to perform the mar- 
riage ceremony, was shortly expected, the conversation very 
naturally turned on the general state of religion in the moni- 
kin region. 

I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this in- 
sulated portion of the world were based on principles abso- 
lutely identical with those of all Christendom. The monikins 
believe that they are a miserable lost set of wretches, who 
are so debased by nature, so eaten up by envy, uncharitable- 
ness, and all other evil passions, that it is quite impossible 
they can do any thing that is good of themselves ; that their 
sole dependence is on the moral interference of the great 
superior power of creation ; and that the very first, and the 
one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely 
on this power for support, in a proper spirit of dependence 



THE MONIKINS. 283 

and tumility. As collateral to, and consequent on tliis con- 
dition of tlie mind, they lay the utmost stress on a disregard 
of all the vanities of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of 
the flesh, and an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of 
ambition, riches, power, and the faculties. In short, the one 
thing needful was humihty — humility — humility. Once 
thoroughly humbled to a degree that put them above tho 
danger of backsliding, they obtained glimpses of security, 
and were gradually elevated to the hopes and the condition 
of the just. 

The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this inter- 
esting topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, 
or some other sort of stick, announced the right reverend 
father in God, his grace the most eminent and most serene 
prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious and glorified 
saint, the primate of all Leaphigh ! 

The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which 1 
advanced to get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sub- 
limated as that of the great monikin family. Civilization 
ha\ing made such progress as to strip all the people, even to 
the king and queen, entirely of every thing in the shape of 
clothes, I did not well see under what new mantle of simpli- 
city the heads of the church could take refuge ! Perhaps 
they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of super- 
eminent self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the 
cuticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence, what a 
poor ungainly set of wretches they really were, carnally con- 
sidered ; or perhaps they went on all-fours to heaven, in sign 
of their unfitness to enter into the presence of the pure of 
mind, in an attitude more erect and confident. WeiJ, these 
fancies of mme only went to prove how erroneous and false 
are the conclusions of one whose capacity has not been am- 
plified and concatenated by the ingenuities of a very refined 
civilization ! His grace the most gracious father in God, 
wore a mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, tho 



284 THE MONIKINS. 

material of which was composed of every tenth hair taken 
from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully sub- 
mitted to be shaved, in order that the wants of his most 
eminent humility might be decently supplied. The mantle, 
wove from such a warp and such a woof, was necessarily very 
large; and it really appeared to me that the prelate did not 
very well know what to do with so much of it, more especial- 
ly as the contributions include a new robe annually. I was 
now desirous ot getting a sight of his tail ; for, knowing that 
the Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of 
that appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who 
wore so fine and glorious a robe, by way or humility, must 
have recourse to some novel expedient to mortify himself on 
his sensitive subject, at least. I found that the ample pro- 
portions of the mantle concealed not only the person, but 
most of the movements oi the archbishop ; and it was with 
many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier behind 
the episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed 
expectation again. Instead of being destitute of a tail, or 
of concealing that with which nature had supplied him be- 
neath his mantle, the most gracious dignitary wore no less 
than six caiidce, viz., his own, and five others added to it, by 
some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I shall not at- 
tempt to explain; one "bent on to the other," as the captain 
described them in a subsequent conversation. This extraor- 
dinary train was allowed to sweep the floor ; the only sign of 
humility, according to my uninstructed faculties, I could dis- 
cern about the person and appearance of this illustrious model 
of clerical self-mortification and humility. 

The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. 
In the first place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy 
of Leaphigh was illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, 
a deacon wore one and a half; a curate, if a minister, one 
and three-quarters, and a rector two ; a dean, two and a half; 
an archdeacon, three ; a bishop, four ; the prmaate of Leap* 



THE MONIKINS. 285 

higli, five, and tlie primate of all Leapliigli, six. The origin 
of the custom, which was very ancient, and of course very 
much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a saint of 
great celebrity, who had satisfactorily proved that as the tail 
was the intellectual or the spiritual part of a monikin, the 
farther it was removed from the mass of matter, or the body, 
the more likely it was to be independent, consecutive, logical 
and spiritualized. The idea. had succeeded astonishingly at 
first ; but time, which will wear out even a caiida, had given 
birth to schisms in the church on this interesting subject; 
one party contending that two more joints ought to be added 
to the archbishop's embellishment, by way of sustaining the 
church, and the other that two joints ought to be incontinent- 
ly abstracted, in the way of reform. 

These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of 
the bride and bridegroom, at different doors. The charming 
Chatterissa advanced with a most prepossessing modesty, fol- 
lowed by a glorious train of noble maidens, all keeping their 
eyes, by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal etiquette, dropped to 
the level of the queen's feet. On the other hand, my lord 
Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb Hightail, and others of 
his kidney, stepped toward the altar with a lofty confidence, 
which the same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The 
parties were no sooner in their places, than the prelate com- 
menced. 

The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the 
established church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and impos- 
ing ceremony. The bridegroom is required to swear that he 
loves the bride and none but the bride ; that he has made his 
choice solely on account of her merits, uninfluenced even by 
her beauty ; and that he will so far command his inchnations 
as, on no account, ever to love another a jot. The bride, on 
her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that she will do 
just what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will be 
his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his delight; that 



286 THE MONIKINS. 

slie is quite certain no other monikin could make her happy, 
but, on the other hand, she is absolutely sure that any other 
monikin would be certain to make her miserable. When 
these pledges, oaths and asseverations were duly made and 
recorded, the archbishop caused the happy pair to be wreathed 
together, by encircling them with his episcopal tail, and they 
were then pronounced monikin and monikina. I pass over 
the congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate a short 
conversation I held with the brigadier. 

*'Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the 
prelate said *amen,' "how is this? I have seen a certificate, 
myself, which showed that there was a just admeasurement 
of the fitness of this union, on the score of other considera- 
tions than those mentioned in the ceremony?" 

"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony." 

"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations 
enumerated in the certificate?" 

"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate." 

"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn 
engagement!" 

"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we 
monikins (for in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have 
two distinct governing principles in all that we say or do, 
which may be divided into the theoretical and the practical 
— moral and immoral would not be inapposite — but, by the 
first we control all our interests, down as far as facts, when 
we immediately submit to the latter. There may possibly be 
something inconsistent in appearance in such an arrangement; 
but then our most knowing ones say that it works well. No 
doubt among men, you get along without the embarrassment 
of so much contradiction." 

I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of 
Chatterino, who stood supported by the countess-dowager, a 
lady of great dignity and elegance of demeanor. The mo- 
ment I appeared, the elaborate air of modesty vanislied from 



THE MONIKINS 287 

tlie cliarming countenance of the bride, in a look of natural 
pleasure ; and, turning to lier new mother, she pointed me 
out as a man ! The courteous old dowager gave me a very- 
kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to eat, 
whether I was not much astonished at the multitude of strange 
sights I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged 
to her son for consenting to bring me over, and invited me to 
come and see her some fine morning. 

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the briga- 
dier, with a view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. 
Before I relate the particulars of my interview with that pious 
prelate, however, it may be well to say that this was the last 
I ever saw of any of the Chatterino set, as they retired from 
the presence immediately after the congratulations were end- 
ed. I heard, however, previously to leaving the region, which 
was within a month of the marriage, that the noble pair kept 
separate establishments, on account of some disagreement 
about an incompatibility of temper — or a young officer of the 
guards — I never knew exactly which ; but as the estates suited 
each other so well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, 
the match was as happy as could be expected. 

The archbishop received me with a great deal of profes- 
sional benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally 
into a comparison of the respective religious systems of Great 
Britain and Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we 
had an establishment ; and I believe I was indebted to his 
knowledge of this fact for his treating me more as an equal 
than he might otherwise have done, considering the difference 
in species. I was much relieved by this ; for, at the com- 
mencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a little 
on doctrine, at wmfeh I am far from being expert, never hav- 
ing taken an interest in the church, and I thought he looked 
frowning at some of my answers ; but, when he heard that 
we really had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, 
nor did he once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans 



288 THE MONIKINS. 

or Presbyterians. But when I told him we had actually a 
hierarchy, I thought the good old prelate would have shaken 
my hand off, and beatified me on the spot ! 

"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with 
holy delight ; ''men or monikins, it can make no great dif- 
ference, after all. We shall meet in heaven ; and that, too, 
in the upper mansions !" 

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise un- 
known, I was much elated by this distinction. To go to 
heaven in company with the Archbishop of Leaphigh was in 
itself no small favor; but to be thus noticed by him at court 
was really enough to upset the philosophy of a stranger. I 
was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to particu- 
lars, and that he might have found some essential points of 
difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked 
me, for instance, how many caudce our bishops wear, I should 
have been badgered ; for, as near as I could recollect, their 
personal illustration was of another character. The venerable 
prelate, however, soon gave me his blessing, pressed me 
warmly to come to his palace before I sailed, promised to 
send some tracts by me to England, and then hurried away, 
as he said, to sign a sentence of excommunication against an 
unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed the harmony of 
the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a schism that 
he called "piety." 

The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of rehgion 
at some length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his 
leave. I was told that the monikin world was pretty nearly 
equally divided into two parts, the old and the new. The 
latter had remained uninhabited, until within a few genera- 
tions, when certain monikins, who were^lpo good to live in 
the old woiid, emigrated in a body, and set up for themselves 
in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow 
account of the matter ; the inhabitants of the old countries, 
on the other hand, invariably maintaining that they had 



THE MONIKINS. 289 

peopled the new countries by sending all tliose of their own 
communities there, who were not fit to stay at home. This 
little obscurity in the history of the new world, he considers 
of no great moment, as such trifling discrepancies must al- 
ways depend on the character of the historian. Leaphigh 
was by no means the only country in the elder monikin region. 
There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown ; 
Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort ; Leap- 
round and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a relig- 
ious estabhshment, though Leaplow, being founded on a new 
social principle, had none. The brigadier thought, himself, 
on the whole, that the chief consequences of the two systems 
were, that the countries which had establishments had a great 
reputation for possessing religion, and those that had no es- 
tablishments were well enough oif in the article itself, though 
but indifferently supplied on the score of reputation. 

I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establish- 
ment had the beneficial efi'ect of sustaining truth, by suppress- 
ing heresies, limiting and curtailing prurient theological fan- 
cies, and otherwise setting limits to innovations. My friend 
did not absolutely agree with me in all these particulars; 
though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect of keep- 
ing two truths from falling out, by separating them. Thus, 
Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas under its 
establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By 
keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious haimonj was 
promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel wei-e en- 
abled to turn all their attention to the sins of the community, 
instead of allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each other, 
as was very apt to be the case when there was an antagonist 
interest to oppose. 

Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges, 

Noah and myself got through the crowd without injury to 

our trains, and we separated in the court of the palace ; he to 

go to his bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I to 

13 



290 THE MONIKINS. 

go home with Judge People's Friend and the brigadier, who 
had invited me to finish the evening with a supper. I was 
left chatting with the last, while the first went into his closet 
to indite a dispatch to his government, relating to the events 
of the evening. 

The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the 
incidents of the drawing-room. A republican himself, he 
certainly did love to give royalty and nobility some occasional 
rubs; though I must do this worthy, upright monikin the 
justice to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostility 
which is apt to distinguish many of his caste, and which is 
founded on a principle as simple as the fact that they cannot 
be kings and nobles themselves. 

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, 
and in undress, as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I 
with my tail laid aside, Judge People's Friend rejoined us, 
with his dispatch open in his hand. He read aloud what ho 
had written, to my great astonislmient, for I had been accus- 
tomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. But the 
judge observed, that in this case it was useless to affect se- 
crecy, for two very good reasons; firstly, because he had been 
obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy 
what he had written — his government depending on a noble 
republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into 
difiiculties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still 
have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the 
embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the govern- 
ment itself would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, 
he liked to have the publishing of his own works. Under 
these circumstances, I was even allowed to take a copy of 
the letter, of which I now furnish a fac-simile. 

"Sir: — The undersigned, envoy- extraordinary and minis- 
ter-plenipotentiary of the North- Western Leaplow Confederate 
Union, has the honor to inform the secretary of state, that 



THE MONIKINS. 291 

our interests in tliis portion of the eartli are, in general, on tlie 
best possible footing ; our national cbaracter is getting every- 
day to be more and more elevated ; our riglits are more and 
more respected, and our flag is more and more •wbitening 
e/ery sea. After this flattering and honorable account of the 
state of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the 
following interesting particulars. 

*' The treaty between our beloved North- Western Confed- 
erate Union and Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one 
of its articles ; nineteen Leaplow seamen have been forcibly 
impressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war ; the king of Leap- 
up has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very im- 
proper part of his person, at us ; and the ting of Leapover 
has caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the 
money to be given to his mistress. 

'' Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition- 
of our foreign relations ; which can only be imputed to the 
glorious constitution of which we are the common servants, 
and to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so univer- 
sally inspired in other nations. 

*' The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took 
great care to see that the honor of our beloved country should 
be faithfully attended to. My cauda was at least three inches 
longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the minister 
most favored by nature in this important particular ; and I 
have the pleasure of adding, that her majesty the queen 
deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the sincerity 
of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir ; for, though 
there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain un- 
seemly words to our beloved country, lately, it would quite 
exceed the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained 
by proof, were we to call in question her royal sincerity on 
this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing- 
rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encour- 
aging character, not only from the king, but from all his 



292 THEMONIKINS. 

ministers, liis first-cousin in particular ; and I trust tLey Tvill 
have the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue be- 
tween the kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. 
If they would now only do us justice in the very important 
afiair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which 
we have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last 
seventy-two years, I should say that our relations were on the 
best possible footing. 

*' Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with 
which the Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quar- 
ters of the earth, and on the benign influence this fortunate 
circumstance is likely to exercise on all our important in- 
terests. 

"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my 
special mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the 
sincerity of the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the 
royal family. 

** In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in 
the kindest manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this 
is the title of the head of the Leaplow government], and 
observed that our growth and prosperity put all other nations 
to shame ; and that we might, on all occasions, depend on 
his most profound respect and perpetual friendship. In short, 
sir, all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, are anxious 
to open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us the 
profound est respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You 
can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly 
augmented under his administration, and that it has at least 
quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only re- 
spect its treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking oar seamen, 
Leapup have greater deference for the usages of good society, 
and the king of Leapover would seize no more of our ships 
to supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign rela- 
tions might be considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, 
they are far better off than I could have expected, or indeed 



THE MONIKINS. 293 

had ever hoped to see them ; and of one thing you may he 
diplomatically certain, that we are universally respected, and 
that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all in 
company rising and waving their caudce. 

"(Signed.) Judas People's Friend. 

*'Hon. , &c. 

'*P. S. [Private.] 

**Dear Sir: — If you publish this dispatch, omit the part 
where the difficulties are repeated. I beg you will see that 
my name is put in with those of the other patriots, against 
the periodical rotation of the little wheel, as I shall certainly 
be obliged to return home soon, having consumed all my 
means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail, of which 
our people have no notion, is so very great, that I think none 
of our missions should exceed a week in duration. 

"I would especially advise that the message should dilate 
on the subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character 
in foreign nations ; for, to be frank with you, facts require 
that this statement should be made as often as possible." 

When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to 
religion. The brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh 
had various peculiarities on this subject, that I do not re- 
member to have heard of before. Thus, a monikin could not 
be born without paying something to the church, a practice 
which early initiated him into his duties toward that im- 
portant branch of the public welfare ; and, even when he died, 
he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an admonition to 
those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget their obliga- 
tions. He added that this sacred interest was, in short, so 
rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused to be 
plucked for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a 
method of fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron 
rods, which generally singed so much of his skin, that he was 



294 THE MONIKINS. 

commonly willing, in tlie end, to let the hair-proctors pick 
and choose at pleasure. 

I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesi- 
tate to stigmatize the practice as barbarous. 

" Your indignation is very natural. Sir John, and is just 
what a stranger would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, 
and charity, and brotherly love, and virtue, and, above all, 
humility, made the stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and 
avarice. But this is the way with us monildns ; no doubt, 
men manasre better.'* 



THE MONIKINS. 20£ 



CHAPTER XX. 

A VERY COMMON CASE — OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLK 
JUSTICE. — HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH. 

I WAS early with Noali on the following morning. The 
poor fellow, when it is remembered that he was about to be 
tried for a capital offence, in a foreign country, under novel 
institutions, and before a jury of a different species, mani- 
fested a surprising degree of fortitude. Still, the love of life 
was strong within him, as was apparent by the way in which 
he opened the discourse. 

*'Did you observe how the wind was this morning. Sir 
John, as you came in?" the straightforward sealer inquired, 
with a peculiar interest. 

'' It is a pleasant gale from the southward." 

" Right off shore ! If one knew where all them black- 
guards of rear admirals and post captains were to be found, 
I don't think, Sir John, that you would care much about pay- 
ing those fifty thousand promises?" 

" My recognizances ? Not in the least, my dear friend, were 
it not for our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the 
Walrus to sail, however, leaving an unsettled account of her 
captain's behind us. What would they say at Stunin'tun — • 
what would your own consort think of an act so unmanly ?" 

" Why, at Stunin'tun, we think him the smartest who 
gets the easiest out of any difficulty ; and I don't well see 
why Miss Poke should know it — or, if she did, why she 
should think the worse of her husband, for saving his life." 

*' Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself 
to meet the trial. We shall, at least, get some insight into 



896 THE M0NIK1N8. 

the Leaphigli jurisprudence. Come, I see you are already 
dressed for the occasion ; let us be as prompt as duellists." 

Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity ; although 
he lingered in the great square, in order to study the clouds, 
in a way to show he might have settled the whole affair with 
the fore-topsail, had he known where to find his crew. For- 
tunately for the reputations of all concerned, however, he did 
not ; and, discarding every thing like apprehension from his 
countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the Old Bailey with 
the tread of a man, and the firmness of innocence. I ought 
to have said sooner, that we had received notice early in the 
morning, that the proceedings had been taken from before 
the pages, on appeal, and that a new venue had been laid in 
the High Criminal Court of Leaphigh. 

Brigadier Downright met us at the door ; where also a 
dozen grave, greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in 
a way to show that they were ready to volunteer in behalf of 
the stranger, on receiving no more than the customary fee. 
But I had determined to defend Noah myself (the court con- 
senting), for I had forebodings that our safety would depend 
more on an appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on any 
legal defence it was in our power to offer. As the brigadier 
kindly volunteered to aid me for nothing, I thought proper 
not to refuse his services, however. 

I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling 
of the jury, and the arraignment; for, in matters of mere 
legal forms^ there is no great difference between civilized 
countries, all of them wearing the same semblance of justice. 
The first indictment, for unhappily there were two, charged 
Noah with having committed an assault, with malice pre- 
pense, on the king's dignity, with *' sticks, daggers, muskets, 
blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful weapons, more 
especially with the tongue^ in that he had accused his majesty, 
face to face, with having a memory, &c., &c." The other 
indictment, repeating the fonnula of the first, charged the 



THE MONIKINS. 297 

Konest sealer with feloniously accusing lier majesty the queen, 
"in defiance of tlie law, to tlie injury of good morals and 
tlie peace of society, with having no memory, &c., &c." To 
both these charges, the plea of "not guilty," was entered 
as fast as possible, in behalf of our client. 

I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright 
and myself had applied to be admitted of counsel for the 
accused, under an ancient law of Leaphigh, as next of kin ; 
I as a fellow human being, and the brigadier by adoption. 

The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was 
about to go into proof, in behalf of the crown, when my 
brother Downright arose and said that he intended to save 
the precious time of the court, by admitting the facts ; and 
that it was intended to rest the defence altogether on the law 
of the case. He presumed the jury Avere the judges of the 
law as well as of the facts, according to the rule of Leaplow, 
and that "he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared 
to show that the law was altogether with us, in this affair." 
The court received the admission, and the facts were submit- 
ted to the jury, by consent, as proven ; although the chief- 
justice took occasion to remark, Longbeard dissenting, that, 
while the jury were certainly judges of the law, in one sense, 
yet there was another sense in which they were not judges 
of the law. The dissent of Baron Longbeard went to main- 
tain that while the jury were the judges of the law in the 
"another sense" mentioned, they were not judges of the 
law in the "one sense" named. This difficulty disposed of, 
Mr. Attorney-General arose and opened for the crown. 

I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive 
and philosophical turn of mind against us, in the advocate of 
the other side. He commenced his argument by a vigorous 
and lucid sketch of the condition of the world previously to 
the subdivisions of its difierent inhabitants into nations, and 
tribes, and clans, while in the human or chrysalis condition. 
Frorn this statement, he deduced the regular gradations by 



298 THE MOKIKINS. 

whicli men became separated into communities, and subject- 
ed to the laws of civilization, or wbat is called society. Hav- 
ing proceeded thus far, lie touched ligMly on the different 
pliases that tlie institutions of men had presented, and de- 
scended gradually and consecutively to the fundamental prin- 
ciples of the social compact, as they were known to exist 
among monikins. After a few general observations that 
properly belonged to the subject, he came to speak of those 
portions of the elementary principles of society that are con- 
nected with the rights of the sovereign. These he divided 
into the rights of the king's prerogative, the rights of the 
king's person, and the rights of the king's conscience. Here 
he again generalized a little, and in a very happy manner ; so 
well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt as to what 
he would next be at ; when, by a fierce logical swoop, he 
descended suddenly on the latter of the king's rights, as the 
one that was most connected with the subject. 

He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal im- 
munities that was chiefly affected by the offence of the pris- 
oner at the bar, was very clearly connected with the rights 
of the king's conscience. "The attributes of royalty," ob- 
served the saoracious advocate, "are not to be estimated in 
the same manner as the attributes of the subject. In the 
sacred person of the king are centred many, if not most, of 
the interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal per- 
sonage, in a political sense, can do no wrong ; official infalli- 
bility is the consequence. Such a being has no occasion for 
the ordinary faculties of the monikin condition. Of what 
use, for instance, is a judgment, or a conscience, to a func- 
tionary who can do no wrong ? The law, in order to relieve 
one on whose shoulders was imposed the burden of the 
state, had consequently placed the latter especially in the 
keeping of another. His majesty's first-cousin is the keeper 
of his conscience, as is known throughout the realm of Leap- 
high. A memory is the faculty of the least account to a 



THE MONIKINS. 290 

personage wlio has no conscience ; and, wliile it is not con- 
tended that the sovereign is relieved from the possession of 
his memory by any positive statute law, or direct constitu- 
tional provision, it follows, by unavoidable implication, and 
by all legitimate construction, that, having no occasion to 
possess such a faculty, it is the legal presumption lie is alto- 
gether without it. 

''That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords," 
continued Mr. Attorney-General, "which are necessary to 
every well-ordered mind, would be impaired, in the case of 
his majesty, were his intellectual faculties unnecessarily crowd- 
ed in this useless manner, and the state would be the sufferer. 
My lords, the Idng reigns, but he does not govern. This is 
a fundamental principle of the constitution ; nay, it is more 
— it is the palladium of our liberties ! My lords, it is an easy 
matter to reign in Leaphigh. It requires no more than the 
rights of primogeniture, sufficient discretion to understand 
the distinction between reigning and governing, and a politi- 
cal moderation that is unlikely to derange the balance of the 
state. But it is quite a different thing to govern. His majesty 
is required to govern nothing, the slight interests just men- 
tioned excepted ; no, not even himself. The case is far other- 
wise with his first-cousin. This high functionary is charged 
with the important trust of governing. It had been found, in 
the early ages of the monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed 
one set of faculties generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose 
duty it was both to reign and to govern. "We all know, my 
lords, how insufficient for our personal objects are our own pri- 
vate faculties ; how difficult we find it to restrain even ourselves, 
assisted merely by our own judgments, consciences and 
memories ; and in this fact do we perceive the great import- 
ance of investing him who governs others, with an additional 
set of these grave faculties. Under a due impression of the 
exigency of such a state of things, the common law — not 
statute law, my lords, which is apt to be tainted with the 



300 THE MONIKINS. 

imperfections of monikin reason m its isolated or individual 
state, usually bearing the impress of the single cauda from 
which it emanated ; but the common law, the known recep- 
tacle of all the common sense of the nation — in such a state 
of things, then, has the common law long since decreed that 
his majesty's first-cousin should be the keeper of his majesty's 
conscience; and, by necessary legal implication, endowed 
v/ith his majesty's judgment, his majesty's reason, and finally, 
his majesty's memory. 

"My lords, this is the legal presumption. It would, in 
addition, be easy for me to show, in a thousand facts, that not 
only the sovereign of Leaphigh, but most other sovereigns, 
are and ever have been, destitute of the faculty of a memory. 
It might be said to be incompatible with the royal condition 
to be possessed of this obtrusive faculty. Were a prince en- 
dowed with a memory, he might lose sight of his high estate, 
in the recollection that he was born, and that he is destined, 
like another, to die ; he might be troubled with visions of 
the past ; nay, the consciousness of his very dignity might 
be unsettled and weakened by a vivid view of the origin of 
his royal race. Promises, obligations, attachments, duties, 
principles, and even debts, might interfere with the due dis- 
charge of his sacred trusts, were the sovereign invested with 
a memory; and it has, therefore, been decided, from time 
immemorial, that his majesty is utterly without the properties 
of reason, judgment, and memory, as a legitimate inference 
fi-om his being destitute of a conscience." 

Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention of the 
court and jury to a statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by 
which it was enacted that any person attributing to his majes- 
ty the possession of any faculty, with felonious intent, that 
might endanger the tranquillity of the state, should suff'er de- 
caudization, without benefit of clergy. Here he rested the 
case on behalf of the crown. 

There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had resumed 



THE MONIKINS. 301 

his seat. His argument, logic, and above all, his good sense 
and undeniable law, made a very sensible impression ; and I 
had occasion to observe that Noah began to chew tobacco 
ravenously. After a decent interval, however, Brigadier 
Dowm-ight — who, it would seem, in spite of his military appel- 
lation, was neither more nor less than a practising attorney 
and counsellor in the city of Bivouac, the commercial capital 
of the republic of Leaplow — arose, and claimed a right to bo 
heard in reply. The court now took it into its head to start 
the objection, for the first time, that the advocate had not 
been duly qualified to plead, or to argue, at their bar. My 
brother Downright instantly referred their lordships to the 
law of adoption, and to that provision of the criminal code 
which permitted the accused to be heard by his next of kin. 

"Prisoner at the bar," said the chief-justice, "you hear 
the statement of counsel. Is it your desire to commit the 
management of your defence to your next of kin 2" 

"To anybody, your honors, if the court please," returned 
Noah, furiously masticating his beloved weed ; " to any body 
who will do it weh, my honorables, and do it cheap." 

"And do you adopt, under the provisions of the statute 
in such cases made and provided, Aaron Downright as one 
of your next of kin, and if so, in what capacity?" 

" I do — I do — my lords and your honors — I do, body and 
soul — if you please, I adopt the brigadier as my father ; and 
my fellow human being and tried fiiend, Sir John Golden- 
calf, here, I adopt him as my mother." 

The court now formally assenting, the facts were entered 
of record, and my brother Downright was requested to pro- 
ceed with the defence. 

The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine's 
comedy of Les JPlaideurs^ was disposed to pass over the del- 
uge, and to plunge instantly into the core of his subject. He 
commenced with a review of the royal prerogatives, and with 
a definition of the words "to reiGcn." Referrinc: to the dic< 



302 THE MONIKINS. 

tionary of tlic academy, lie sliowed triumpliaiitly, that to 
reign, was no otlier than to "govern as a sovereign;" while 
to govern, in the familiar signification, was no more than to 
govern in the name of a prince, or as a deputy. Having 
successfully established this point, he laid down the position, 
that the greater might contain the less, but that the less 
could not possibly contain the greater. That the right to 
reign, or to govern, in the generic signification of the term, 
must include all the lawful attributes of him who only gov- 
erned, in the secondary signification ; and that, consequently, 
the king not only reigned, but governed. He then proceeded 
to show that a memory was indispensable to him who gov- 
erned, since, without one he could neither recollect the 
laws, make a suitable disposition of rewards and punish- 
ments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or necessary 
act. Again, it was contended that by the law of the land 
the king's conscience was in the keeping of his first-cousin ; 
now, in order that the king's conscience sliould be in sucli 
keeping, it was clear that he must have a conscience, since a 
nonentity could not be in keeping, or even put in commission ; 
and, having a conscience, it followed, ex necessitate rei, that 
lie must have tbe attributes of a conscience, of whicli mem- 
ory formed one of the most essential features. Conscience 
was defined to be "the faculty by whicli we judge of the 
goodness or wickedness of our own actions." [See John- 
son's Dictionary, page 163, letter C. London edition. Riv- 
ington, publisber.] Now, in what manner can one judge of 
th.e goodness or wickedness of his acts, or of those of any 
other person, if be knows nothing about them ? — and how 
can he know any thing of the past, unless endowed with tke 
faculty of a memory ? 

Again ; it was a political corollary from the institutions of 
Leapliigh, that the king could do no wrong 

" I beg your pardon, my brother Downright," interrupted 
the chief-justice, "it is not a corollary, but a proposition — 



THE MONIKINS. 303 

and oue, too, tLat is held to be demonstrated. It is the par- 
amount law of the land." 

" I thank you, my lord," continued the brigadier, " as your 
lordship's high authority makes my case so much the stronger. 
It is, then, settled law, gentlemonikins of the jury, that the 
sovereign of this realm can do no wrong. It is also settled 
law — their lordships will correct me, if I misstate — it is also 
settled law that the sovereign is the fountain of honor, that 
he can make war and peace, that he administers justice, sees 
the laws executed " 

*'I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright," inter- 
rupted the chief-justice. " This is not the law, but the pre- 
rogative. It is the king's prerogative to be and do all this, 
but it is very far from being law." 

"Am I to understand, my lord, that the court makes a 
distinction between that which is prerogative, and that which 
is law?" 

"Beyond a doubt, brother Downright ! If all that is pre- 
rogative was also law, we could not get on an hour." 

"Prerogative, if your lordship pleases, or prerogativa, is 
defined to be "an exclusive or peculiar privilege.' [Johnson. 
Letter P, page 139, fifth clause from bottom. Edition as 
aforesaid. Speaking slow, in order to enable Baron Long- 
beard to make his notes.] Now, an exclusive inivilege^ I 
humbly urge, must supersede all enactments, and " 

"Not at all, sir — not at all, sir," put in my lord chief- 
justice, dogmatically — looking out of the window at the 
clouds, in a way to show that his mind was quite made up. 
" Not at all, good sir. The king has his prerogatives, be- 
yond a question ; and they are sacred ; a part of the consti- 
tution. They are, moreover, exclusive and peculiar, as stated 
by Johnson ; but their exclusion and peculiarity are not to bo 
constructed in tl>e vulgar acceptations. In treating of the 
vast interests of a state, the mind must take a wide ranee : 
and I hold, brother Longbcard, there is no principle more set 



304 THE MONIKINS. 

tied tlian tlie fact, that j^^'f^^'Offativa is one tiling, and lex, or 
tlie law, another." The baron bowed assent. " By exclu- 
sion, in this case, is meant that the prerogative .touches only 
his majesty. The prerogative is exclusively his property, and 
he may do what he pleases with it ; but the law is made for 
the nation, and is altogether a different matter. Again : by 
peculiar, is clearly meant peculiarity, or that this case is anal- 
ogous to no other, and must be reasoned on by the aid of a 
peculiar logic. No, sir — the king can make peace and war, 
it is true, under his prerogative ; but then his conscience is 
hard and fast in the keeping of another, who alone can per- 
form all legal acts." 

** But, my lord, justice, though administered by others, is 
still administered in the king's name." 

*' No doubt, in his name : — this is a part of the peculiar 
privilege. War is made in his majesty's name, too — so is 
peace. What is war ? It is the personal conflicts between 
bodies of men of different nations. Does his majesty engage 
in these conflicts ? Certainly not. The war is maintained by 
taxes — does his majesty pay them ? No. Thus we see that 
while the war is constitutionally the king's, it is practically 
the people's. It follows, as a corollary — since you quote 
corollaries, brother Downright — that there are two wars — or 
the war of the prerogative, and the war of the fact. Now, 
the prerogative is a constitutional principle — a very sacred one, 
certainly : — ^but a fact is a thing that comes home to every 
monikin's fireside ; and therefore the courts have decided, 
ever since the reign of Timid II., or ever since they dared, 
that the prerogative was one thing, and the law another." 

My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by 
the distinctions of the court, and he concluded much sooner 
than he otherwise would have done ; summing up the whole 
of his arguments, by showing, or attempting to show, that if 
the king had even these j^ccuHccr privileges, and nothing else, 
he must be supposed to have a memory. 



THE MONIKINS. 305 

The court now called upon the attorney-general to reply ; 
but that person appeared to think his case strong enough as 
it was ; and the matter, by agreement, was submitted to the 
jury, after a short charge from the bench. 

" You are not to suffer your intellects to be confused, gen- 
tlemonikins, by the argument of the prisoner's counsel," 
concluded the chief-justice. *' He has done his duty, and it 
remains for you to be equally conscientious. You are, in this 
case, the judges of the law and the fact ; but it is a part of 
my functions to inform you what they both are. By the law, 
the king is supposed to have no faculties. The inference 
drawn by counsel, that, not being capable of erring, the king 
must have the highest possible moral attributes, and conse- 
quently a memory, is unsound. The constitution says his 
majesty can- do no Avrong. This inability may proceed from 
a variety of causes. If he can do nothing, for instance, he 
can do no wrong. The constitution does not say that the 
sovereign loill do no wrong — but, that he can do no wrong. 
Now, gentlemonikins, when a thing cannot be done, it be- 
comes impossible ; and it is, of course, beyond the reach of 
argument. It is of no moment w^hether a person has a 
memory, if he cannot use it, and, in such a case, the legal 
presumption is, that he is without a memory ; for, otherwise, 
nature, who is ever wise and beneficent, would be throwing 
away her gifts. 

*' Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are the judges, 
in this case, of both the law and the fact. The fate of the 
prisoner is in your hands. God forbid that it should be, in 
any manner, influenced by me ; but this is an offence against 
the king's dignity, and the security of the realm ; the law is 
against the prisoner, the facts are all against the prisoner, and 
I do not doubt that your verdict will be the spontaneous de- 
cision of your own excellent judgments, and of such a nature 
as will prevent the necessity of our ordering a new trial." 

The jurors put their tails together, and in less than a minute^ 



306 THE MONIKINS. 

• 

tlieir foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noali sighed, 
and took a fresli supply of tobacco. 

The case of the queen was immediately opened by her 
majesty's attorney-general ; the prisoner having been pre- 
viously arraigned, and a plea entered of ** not guilty." 

The queen's advocate made a bitter attack on the animus 
of the unfortunate prisoner. He described her majesty as a 
paragon of excellences ; as the depositary of all the monikina 
virtues, and the model of her sex. " If she, who was so justly 
celebrated for the gifts of charity, meekness, religion, justice, 
and submission to feminine duties, had no memory, he asked 
leave to demand, in the name of God, who had ? Without a 
memory, in what manner was this illustrious personage to 
recall her duties to her royal consort, her duties to her royal 
offspring, her duties to her royal self ? Memory was pecu- 
liarly a royal attribute ; and without its possession no one 
could properly be deemed of high and ancient lineage. Mem- 
ory referred to the past, and the consideration due to roy- 
alty was scarcely ever a present consideration, but a consider- 
ation connected with the past. We venerated the past. 
Time was divided into the past, present and future. The 
past was invariably a monarchical interest — the present was 
claimed by republicans — the future belonged to fate. If it 
were decided that the queen had no memory, we should 
strike a blow at royalty. It was by memory, as connected 
with the public archives, that the king derived his title to his 
throne ; it was to memory, which recalled the deeds of his 
ancestors, that he became entitled to our most profound re- 
spect." 

In this manner did the queen's attorney-general speak for 
about an hour, when he gave way to the counsel for the pris- 
oner. But, to my great surprise, for I knew that this accu- 
sation was much the gravest of the two, since the head of 
Koah would be the price of conviction, my brother Down- 
right, instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I had fully 



THE MONIKINS. S07 

anticipated, merely said a few words, in whicli lie expressed 
so finn a confidence in tlie acquittal of his client, as to appear 
to think a further defence altogether unnecessary. He had 
no sooner seated himself, than I expressed a strong dissatis- 
faction with this course, and avowed an intention to make an 
effort in behalf of my poor friend, myself. 

"Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother Down- 
light ; " the advocate who makes many unsuccessfal applica- 
tions gets to be disrespected. I charge myself with the care 
of the lord high admiral's interests ; at the proper time they 
shall be duly attended to." 

Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier's legal 
attainments, and no great confidence in my own, I was fain 
to submit. In the mean time, the business of the court pro- 
ceeded ; and the jury, having received a short charge from 
the bench, which was quite as impartial as a positive injunc- 
tion to convict could very well be, again rendered the verdict 
of "guilty." 

In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to Avear clothes, 
it is also esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high func- 
tionaries to adorn their persons with suitable badges of their 
official rank. We have already had an account of the hier- 
archy of tails, and a general description of the mantle com- 
posed of tenth-hairs ; but I had forgotten to say that both 
my lord chief-justice and Baron Longbeard had tail-cases made 
of the skins of deceased monikins, which gave the appearance 
of greater development to their intellectual organs, and most 
probably had some influence in the way of coddling their 
brains, which required great care and attention on account of 
incessant use. They now drew over these tail-cases a sort of 
box-coat of a very bloodthirsty color^ which, we were given 
to understand, was a sign that they were in earnest, and about 
to pronounce sentence ; justice in Leaphig-h being of singu- 
larly bloodthirsty habits. 

"Prisoner at the bar," the chief-justice began, in a voice 



nOS THE MONIKINS. 

of reproof, " you have heard the decision of your peers. You 
have been arraigned and tried on the heinous charge of having 
accused the sovereign of this realm of being in possession of the 
faculty called ' a memory,' thereby endangering the peace of 
society, unsettling the social relations, and setting a dangerous 
example of insubordination and of contempt of the laws. Of 
this crime, after a singularly patient and impartial hearing, 
you have been found guilty. The law allows the court no 
discretion in the case. It is my duty to pass sentence forth- 
with ; and I now solemnly ask you, if you have any thing to 
say why sentence of decaudization should not be pronounced 
against you." Here the chief-justice took just time enough 
to gape, and then proceeded — "You are right in throwing 
yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which better 
knows what is fittest for you, than you can possibly know for 
yourself. You will be taken, Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea- water- 
color, forthwith, to the centre of the public square, between 
the hours of sunrise and sunset of this day, where your cauda 
will be cut off; and after it has been divided into four parts, 
a part will be exposed toward each of the cardinal points of 
the compass ; and the brush thereof being consumed by fire, 
the ashes will be thrown into your face, and this without 
benefit of clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your 
soul!" 

"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea- water-color," put in Baron 
Longbeard, without giving the culprit breathing- time, "you 
have been indicted, tried, and found guilty of the enormous 
crime of charging the queen-consort of this realm of being 
wanting in the ordinary, important, and every-day faculty of 
a memory. Have you any thing to say why sentence should 
not be forthwith passed against you ? No ; I am sure you 
are very right in throwing yourself altogether on the mercy oi 
the court, which is quite disposed to show you all that is in 
its power, which happens, in this case, to be none at all. I 
need not dwell on the gravity of your offence. If the law 



THE MONIKINS. 30& 

should allow tliat the queen has no memory, other females 
might put in claims to the same privilege, and society would 
become a chaos. Marriage vows, duties, affections, and all 
our nearest and dearest interests would be unhinged, and this 
pleasant state of being would degenerate into a moral, or 
rather an immoral pandemonium. Keeping in view these 
all-important considerations, and more especially the impera- 
tiveness of the law, which does not admit of discretion, the 
court sentences you to be carried hence, without delay, to 
the centre of the great square, where your head will be sever- 
ed from your body by the public executioner, without benefit 
of clergy ; after which your remains are to be consigned to 
the public hospitals for the purposes of dissection.'^ 

The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard's mouth, 
before both the attorneys-general started up, to move the court 
in behalf of the separate dignities of their respective principals. 
Mr. Attorney-General of the crown prayed the court so far to 
amend its sentence, as to give precedency to the unishment 
on account of the offence against the king ; and Mr. Attor- 
ney-General for the queen, to pray the court it would not be 
so far forgetful of her majesty's rights and dignity, as to 
establish a precedent so destructive of both. I caught a 
glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my brother Down- 
right, who, waiting just long enough to let the two advocates 
warm themselves over these points of law, arose and moved 
the court for a stay of execution, on the plea that neither 
sentence was legal; that delivered by my lord chief-justice 
containing a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the decau- 
dization to take place between the hours of sunrise and sun^ 
set, and also forthivith : and that delivered by Baron Long- 
beard, on account of its ordering the body to be given up to 
dissection, contrary to the law, which merely made that pro- 
vision in the case of condemned monikins, the prisoner at 
the bar being entirely of another species. 

The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided 



310 



THE MONIKINS 



on its own incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was 
a question for the .twelve judges, who were now on the point 
of assembhng, and to whom they referred the whole aftair on 
appeal. In the mean time, justice could not be stayed. 
The prisoner must be carried out into the square, and matters 
must proceed ; but, should either of the points be finally de- 
termined in his favor, he could have the benefit of it, so far 
as circumstances would then allow. Hereupon, the court 
rose, and the judges, counsel and clerks, repaired in a body 
to the hall of the twelve judges. 







TUB MONIKINS. 3J1 



CHAPTER XXL 

DEITER AND BETTER — MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE — TAILS AND HEADS) 
THE IMPORTANCE OP KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE. 

Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execu- 
tion, wliere I promised to meet him in time to receive his 
parting sigh, curiosity inducing me first to learn the issue on 
the appeal. The brigadier told me in confidence, as we went 
to the other hall, that the affair was now getting to be one 
of great interest ; that hitherto it had been mere boys' play, 
but it would in future require counsel of great reading and 
research to handle the arguments, and that he flattered him- 
self there was a good occasion likely to present itself, for 
him to show what monihin reason really was. 

The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether 
they presented a formidable array of intellectual development. 
As the cause of Noah was admitted to be one of more than 
common urgency, after hearing only three or four other short 
applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights always have 
precedence on such occasions, the attorney-general of the 
king was desired to open his case. 

The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objec- 
tions of both his adversaries, beginning with those of my 
brother Downright. Forthwith^ he contended, might be at 
any period of the twenty-four hours, according to the actual 
time of using the term. Thus, forthwith of a morning, 
would mean in the morning ; forthwith at noon, would mean 
at noon ; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, 
in a legal signification, forthwith must mean between sunrise 
and sunset, the statute commanding that all executions shall 



312 THE MONIKIUB. 

take place by the ligM of the sun, and consequently tlie two 
terms ratified and confirmed each other, instead of conveying 
a contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would most 
probably be contended by the opposite counsel. 

To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such oc- 
casions, objected pretty much the converse. He maintained 
that all light proceeded from the sun ; and that the statute, 
therefore, could only mean that there should be no executions 
during eclipses, a period when the whole monikin race ought 
to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith, moreover, did not 
necessarily mean /or /A2i;i7A, for forthwith meant immediately; 
and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise 
and sunset ; which might be immediately, or might not. 

On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that 
forthiuith did not mean forthwith ; secondly, that forthwith 
did mean forthwith ; thirdly, that forthwith had two legal 
meanings ; fourthly, that it was illegal to apply one of these 
legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose ; and fifthly, that 
the objection was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, 
seawater^color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal lose his 
i2SS. forthwith. 

The objection to the other sentence met with no better 
fate. Men and monikins did not differ more than some men 
dififered from other men, or some monikins differed from 
other monikins. Ordered, that the sentence be confirmed, with 
costs. I thought this decision the soundest of the two ; for 
I had often had occasion to observe, that there were very 
startling points of resemblance between monkeys and our own 
species. 

The contest now commenced between the two attorneys- 
general in earnest ; and, as the point at issue was a question 
of mere rank, it excited a lively — I may say an engrossing — 
interest in all the hearers. It was settled, however, after a vig- 
orous discussion, in favor of the king, whose royal dignity 
the twelve judges were unanimously of opinion was entitled 



THEMONIKINS. 813 

to precedency over tliat of tlie queen. To my great surprise, 
my brother Downriglit volunteered an argument on tliis intri- 
cate point, making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of 
the king's dignity, as was admitted by every one who heard 
it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of the tail 
were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the culprit's face. It 
is true this might be done physically after decapitation, but 
it could not be done morally. This part of the punishment 
was designed for a moral effect ; and to produce that eff'ect, 
consciousness and shame were both necessarj^ Therefore, 
the moral act of throwing the ashes into the face of the crim- 
inal could only be done while he was living, and capable of 
beino; ashamed. 

Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. 
It contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, 
was esteemed as very eloquent in that part which touched 
on the sacred and inviolable character of the royal pre- 
rogatives [prerogativce as he termed them), and was so 
lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of the queen- 
consort, that I felt happy her majesty was not present to hear 
herself and sex undervalued. As might have been expected, 
it allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the briga- 
dier. The decision was in the following words, viz. : '' Rex 
et Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color : ordered, that the 
officers of justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudizate the 
defendant before they decapitate him ; provided he has not 
been forthwith decapitated before he can be decaudizated." 

The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the 
proper officer, Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, 
and led me out of the hall of justice, as if both our lives de- 
pended on our expedition. I was about to reproach him for 
having volunteered to aid the king's attorney-general, when, 
seizing me by the root of the tail, for the want of a button-hole, 
he said, with evident satisfaction : 

"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John ! I do not 
14 



314 THE MONIKINS. 

remember to have been employed, for some years, in a more 
interesting litigation. Now this cause, which, no doubt, you 
think is drawing to a close, has just reached its pivot, or turn- 
ing-point ; and I see every prospect of extricating our client 
with great credit to myself." 

"How! my brother Downright !" I interrupted ; **the 
accused is finally sentenced, if not actually executed !" 

*'Not so fast, my good Sir John — not so fast, by any 
means. Nothing is final in law, while there is a farthing to 
meet the costs, or the criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case 
to be in an excellent way ; much better than I have deemed 
it at any time since the accused was arraigned." 

Surprise left me no other power than that which was neces- 
sary to demand an explanation. 

*' All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my 
brother Downright, *' whether the head is still on the body 
of the accused or not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, 
to the place of execution ; and, should our client still have 
a head, keep up his spirits by a proper religious discourse, 
always preparing him for the worst, for this is no more than 
wisdom ; but, the instant his tail is separated from his body, 
run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the fact. I ask 
but two things of you — speed in coming with the news, and 
perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest 
of the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales 
of justice !" 

" The case seems desperate — would it not be as well for 
me to run down to the palace, at once ; demand an audience 
of their majesties, throw myself on my knees before the royal 
pair, and implore a pardon ?" 

*' Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons : 
firstly, there is not time ; secondly, you would not be admit- 
ted without a special appointment ; thirdly, there is neither a 
king nor a queen !" 

*' No king in Leaphigh !" 



THE MONIKINS. 315 

*' I have said it." 

" Explain yourself, brother DownrigM, or I sliall be obliged 
to refute wbat you say, by the evidence of my own senses." 

" Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. For- 
merly there was a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, 
as well as reigned. But the nobles and grandees of the coun- 
try, deeming it indecent to trouble his majesty with affairs 
of state any longer, took upon themselves all the trouble of 
governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole duty of reigning. 
This was done in a way to save his feelings, under the pretence 
of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of the 
mass. After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive 
to feed and otherwise support the royal family, and all its 
members were privately shipped to a distant region, which 
had not yet got to be so far advanced in civilization, as to 
know how to keep up a monarchy without a monarch." 

*' And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?" 

"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and de- 
caudizations enough, even greater exploits may be per- 
formed." 

*'But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, 
there is no such thing as a monarch in this country?" 

" Literally." 

"And the presentations?" 

"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy." 

"And the crimson curtains? — " 

" Conceal empty seats." 

"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly represen- 
tation?" 

"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne 
is in danger, if there were no throne ? It is one thing to 
have no monarch, and another to have no throne. But all 
this time our client is in great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, 
and be particular to act as I have just instructed you." 

I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying 



316 THEMONIKINS. 

toward the centre of the square. It was easy enough to 
perceive the tail of my friend waving over the crowd ; but 
grief and apprehension had already rendered his countenance 
so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did not recognize his head. 
He was, however, still in the body ; for, luckily for himself, 
and more especially for the success of his principal counsel, 
the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual preparations 
necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court 
had not yet arrived — ^justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as 
her ministers are dilatory — two blocks were prepared, and the 
culprit was about to get down on his -hands and knees be- 
tween them, just as I forced my way through the crowd to 
his side. 

"Ah ! Sir John, this is an awful predicament !" exclaimed 
the rebuked Noah; ''a ra' ally awful situation for a human 
Christian to have his enemies lying athwart both bows and 
starn 1" 

*' While there is life there is hope; but it is always best 
to be prepared for the worst — he who is thus prepared never 
can meet with a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners" 
— ^for there were two, that of the king, and that of the queen, 
or one at each end of the unhappy criminal — "Messrs. Execu- 
tioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment to arrange 
his thoughts, and to communicate his last requests in behalf 
of his distant family and friends !" 

To this reasonable petition neither of the high functionaries 
of the law made any objection, although both insisted if they 
did not forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of prep- 
aration, they might lose their places. They did not see, 
however, but a man might pause for a moment on the brink 
of the grave. It would seem that there had been a little 
misunderstanding between the executioners themselves on the 
point of precedency, which had been one cause of the delay, 
and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that both 
should operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought 



THE MONIKINS. 317 

down to his hands and knees, "moored head and starn," aa 
that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, ex- 
pressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one and 
his tail on the other. While in this edifying attitude, I was 
permitted to address him. 

*'It maybe well to bethink you of your soul, my dear 
captain," I said ; " for, to speak truth, these axes have a very 
prompt and sanguinary appearance." 

" I know it, Sir John, I know it ; and, not to mislead you, 
I will own that I have been repenting with all my might, ever 
since that first vardict. That afiair of the lord high admiral, 
in particular, has given me a good deal of consarn ; and I now 
humbly ask your pardon for being led away by such a mis- 
erable deception, which is all owing to that riptyle Dr. 
Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his desarts. I for- 
give every body, and hope every body will forgive me. As for 
Miss Pope, it will be a hard case ; for she is altogether past 
expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a 
relic the rest of her days." 

"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah — repentance is 
the one thing needful for a man in your extremity." 

" I do — ^I do. Sir John, body and soul — I repent, from the 
bottom of my heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge — nay, 
I don't know but I repent ever having come outside of Mon- 
tank Point. I might, at this moment, have been a school- 
master or a tavern-keeper in Stunin'tun ; and they are both 
good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord love you ! 
Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be par- 
doned on the spot." 

Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, 
and he asked of the executioners, as a last favor, that they 
would have the boy brought near, that he might take an af- 
fectionate leave of him. This reasonable request was com- 
plied with, despite of poor Bob's struggles ; and the young- 
ster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as the 



G18 THEMONIKINS. 

culDrit himself. Just at this trying moment, the mandate 
for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials 
seriously declared that the condemned must prepare to meet 
his fate. 

The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted 
to the mortal process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, 
and awakened sympathy in, every monikin present. Having 
satisfied myself that the tail was actually separated from the 
body, I ran, as fast as legs could carry me, toward the hall 
of the twelve judges. My brother Downright, who was im- 
patiently expecting my appearance, instantly arose and moved 
the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution in the 
case of " Eegina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea- water-color. 
By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it was 
enacted, my lords," put in the brigadier, ''that in no case 
shall a convicted felon sufier loss of life, or limb, while it can 
be established that he is non comjyos mentis. This is also a 
rule, my lords, of common law — but being common sense 
and common monikinity, it has been thought prudent to en- 
force it by an especial enactment. I presume Mr. Attorney- 
General for the queen will scarcely dispute the law of the 
case " 

"Not at all, my lords — though I have some doubts as to 
the fact. The fact remains to be established," answered the 
other, taking snufF. 

"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the 
case of Rex versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punish- 
ment of decaudization to take precedence of that of decapi- 
tatioB,; in the case of Regina versus the same. Process had 
been issued from the bench to that efiect ; the culprit has, in 
consequence, lost his cauda, and with it his reason ; a creature 
without reason has always been held to be non compos mentis, 
and by the law of the land is not liable to the punishments 
of life or limb." 

"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed 



THE MONIKINS. 319 

my lord cliief-justice, *'but it remains for the bencli to bo 
put in possession of tlie facts. At tlie next term, you wiF. 
perhaps be better prepared " 

" I pray you, my lord, to remember tliat this is a case wbicb 
will not admit of three months' delay." 

"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to- 
day; and we have now sat longer in banco ^''^ looking at his 
watch, "than is either usual, agreeable, or expedient." 

"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness 
to establish that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of 
record, has actually been separated from his body " 

" Nay — nay — my brother Downright, a barrister of your 
experience must know that the twelve can only take evidence 
on affidavit. K you had an affidavit prepared, we might 
possibly find time to hear it, before we adjourn ; as it is, the 
affair must lie over to another sitting." 

I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the 
peculiar odor of the burning tail ; the ashes of which being 
ftiirly thrown into Noah's face, there remained no further 
obstacle to the process of decapitation — the sentence, it will 
be remembered, having kept his countenance on his shoulders 
expressly for that object. My brother Downright, however, 
was not a lawyer to be defeated by so simple a stumbling- 
block. Seizing a paper that was already written over in a 
good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he 
read it, without pause or hesitation, in the following manner : 

"Regina versus Noah Poke. 
Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, \ Personally ap- 
this fourth day of the Moon. j peared before me, 

Meditation, Lord Chief- Justice of the Court of King's Bench, 
John Goldencalf, Baronet, of the kingdom of Great Britain, 
who, being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, 
the said deponent, was present at, and did witness, the de- 
caudization of the defendant in this suit, and that the tail of 



320 THE MONIKINS. 

the said Noali Poke, or No. 1, sea- water-color, hath Lccu 
truly and physically separated from his body. — And further 
this deponent sayeth not. Signature, &c." 

Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing 
aflSdavit (which existed only in his OAvn brain), my brother 
])ownright desired the court to take my deposition to its 
truth. 

"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you 
have heard what has just been read; do you swear to its 
truth?" 

"I do." 

Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice 
and myself, and it was duly put on fih. I afterward learned 
that the paper used by my brother Downright on this mem- 
orable occasion was no other than the notes Avhich the chief- 
justice himself had taken on one of the arguments in the 
case in question, and that, seeing the names and title of the 
cause, beside finding it no easy matter to read his own 
Avriting, that high officer of the crown had, very naturally, 
supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench, 
they were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and 
read affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, by the 
following decision : 

"Regina versus Noah Poke, &c. Ordered, that the cul- 
prit be considered non compos mentis, and that he be dis- 
charged, on finding security to keep the peace for the re- 
mainder of his natural life." 

An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square 
with this reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in 
order to enter into the necessary recognizances in behalf of 
Noah, taking up at the same time the bonds given the pre- 
vious night, for his appearance to answer to the indictments. 
These forms being duly complied with, my brother Down- 
right and myself repaired to the place of execution, in order 



THE MONIKINS. 321 

to congratulate our client — tlie former justly elated with his 
success, which he assured me was not a little to the credit of 
his own education. 

We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from 
the hands of the Philistines ; nor was he at all backward in 
expressing his satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had 
taken. According to his account of the matter, he did not 
set a higher value on his head than another ; still, it was con- 
venient to have one ; had it been necessary to part with it, 
he made no doubt he should have submitted to do so like a 
man, referring to the fortitude with which he had borne the 
amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution ; for 
his part, he should take very good care how he accused any 
one with having, a memory, or any thing else, again, and he 
now saw the excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, 
which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the repetition of 
his offences ; he did not intend to stay much longer on shore, 
believing he should be less in the way of temptation on 
board the Walrus than among the monikins ; and, as for his 
own people, he w^as sure of soon catching them on board 
again, for they had now been off their pork twenty-four hours, 
and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after all; 
philosophers might say what they pleased about governments, 
but, in his opinion, tlje only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the 
belly ; he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with 
his belly — and he had a thousand — that the belly didn't get 
the better ; that it would be awkward to lay down the title 
of lord high admiral, but it was easier to lay down that than 
to lay down his head; that as for a cauda^ though it was 
certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could do very well 
without one, and w^en he got back to Stunin'tun, should the 
worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the 
place who could give him as good a fit a^ the one he had lost ; 
that Miss Poke would have been gTeatly scandalized, how- 
ever, had he come home after decapitation ; that it might be 



322 THE MONIKINS. 

well to sail for Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that 
country lie understood bobs were in fashion, and he admitted 
that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for any great 
length of time, unless he could look as other people look ; 
for his part, he bore no one a grudge, and he freely forgave 
every body but Bob, out of whom, the Lord willing, he pro- 
posed to have full satisfaction, before the ship should be 
twenty-four hours at sea, &c., &c., <fec. 

Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain 
Poke, as we proceeded toward the port, where he embarked 
and went on board the Walrus, with some eagerness, having 
learned that our rear-admirals and post-captains had, indeed, 
yielded to the calls of nature, and had all gone to their duty, 
swearing they would rather be foremast Jacks in a well-vic- 
tualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon nuts. 

The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his 
head with him, than I began to make my acknow^ledgments 
to my brother Downright for the able manner in which he 
had defended my fellow human being ; paying, at the same 
time, some well-merited compliments to the ingenious and 
truly philosophical distinctions of the iicaphigh system of 
jurisprudence. 

" Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of 
you, good Sir John," returned the brigadier, as we walked 
back toward my lodgings. *' We did as well as circumstances 
would allow; though our whole defence would have been 
upset, had not the chief-justice very luckily been unable to 
read his own handvTriting. As for the principles and forms 
of the monikin law — for in these particulars Leaplow is very 
much like Leaphigh — as you have seen them displayed ir. 
these two suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not 
pretend that they are faultless ; on the contrary, I could point 
out improvements myself — but we get on with them as well 
as we can : no doubt, among men, you have codes that will 
better bear examination." 



THE MONIKINS. 323 



CHAPTER XXII. 

A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY — DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION — A CALCULA- 
TION — ^A SHIPMENT OP OPINIONS — JIOW TO CUOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH 
AN ASSORTMENT. 

I N.OW began seriously to think of sailing for Lcaplow ; for, 
I confess, I was heartily tired of being tbouglit tlie governor 
of liis royal highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored 
once more to my proper place in society. I was the more 
incited to make the change, by the representations of the 
brigadier, who assured me that it was sufficient to come from 
foreign parts, to be esteemed a nobleman in Leaplow, and 
that I need not apprehend in his country any of the ill- 
treatment I had received in the one in which I now was. 
After talking over the matter, therefore, in a familiar way, 
we determined to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in 
order to ask for our passports, and to offer, at the same time, 
to carry any dispatches that Judge People's Friend might 
have prepared for his government — it being the custom of the 
Leaplowers to trust to these God-sends in carrying on their 
diplomatic correspondence. 

We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure 
he cut, certainly, from that which he made when I saw him 
the previous night at court. Then he was all quezie ; now he 
was all hoh. He seemed glad to see us, however, and quite 
delighted when I told him of the intention to sail for Leap- 
low, as soon as the wind served. He instantly asked a passage 
for himself, with republican simplicity. 

There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, 
he said, and it was quite important to himself to be on the 



324 THE MONIKINS. 

spot; for, altliougli every tiling was, beyond all question, 
managed with perfect republican propriety, yet, someliow, 
and yet lie did not know exactly bow, but someJwiv, those 
who are on the spot always get the best prizes. If I could 
give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it a great 
personal favor ; and I might depend on it, the circumstance 
would be well received by the party. Although I did not 
very well understand what he meant by this party, which was 
to view the act so kindly, I very cheerfully told the judge 
that the apartments lately occupied by my lord Chatterino 
and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I was then 
asked when I intended to sail ; and the answer was, the in- 
stant the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor. 
It might be within half an hour. HereujDon Judge People's 
Friend begged I would have the goodness to wait until he 
could hunt up a charge d'affaires. His instructions were 
most peremptory never to leave the legation without a charge 
d'affaires; but he would just brush his bob, and run into the 
street, and look up one in five minutes, if I would promise to 
wait so long. It would have been unkind to refuse so trifling 
a favor, and the promise w^as given. The judge must have 
run as fast as his legs would carry him ; for, in about ten 
minutes, he w^as back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He 
told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to 
whom he offered the place had plumply refused it, and, in- 
deed, he did not know but he should have a quarrel or two 
on his hands ; but, at last, he had luckily found one who 
could get nothing else to do, and he pinned him on the spot. 
So far every thing had gone on swimmingly ; but the 
new charge had, most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a 
fashion that was inexorably proscribed by the Leaplow usages, 
except in cases where the representative went to court — for it 
seems the LeaploAv political ethics, like your country buck, 
has two dresses ; one for cvery-day wear, and one for Sun- 
days. The judge intimated to his intended substitute, that 



THE MONIKINS. 325 

it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to an am- 
putation, or lie could not possibly confer tlie appointment, 
queues being proscribed at borne by both public opinions, tlie 
horizontal and the perpendicular. To this the candidate ob- 
jected, that he very well hnew the Leaplow usages on this 
head, but that he had seen his excellency himself going to 
court with a singularly apparent brush ; and he had supposed 
from that, and from sundry other little occurrences he did 
not care to particularize, that the Leaj^lowers were not so 
bigoted in their notions but they could act on the principle 
of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this the 
judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in 
all things that were agreeable, and that he knew, from ex- 
perience, how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around 
him went in caudce ; but that tails were essentially anti- 
republican, and, as such, had been formally voted down in 
Leaplovf, where even the Great Sachem did not dare to wear 
one, let him long for it as much as he would ; and if it were 
known that a public charge offended in this particular, al- 
though he might be momentarily protected by one of the 
public opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by 
the opposition public opinion, and then the people might 
order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven it knew! 
occurred now a great deal oftener than was either profitable 
or convenient. 

Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings 
and removed the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it 
was false, and that he was, after all, neither more nor less 
than a Leaplow^er in masquerade ; which, by the way, I after- 
ward learned, was very apt to be the case with a great many 
of that eminently original people, when they got without the 
limits of their own beloved land. Judge People's Friend 
was now perfectly delighted. He. told us this was exactly 
what he could most have wished for. "Here is a bob," 
said he, "for the horizontals and perpendiculars, and thcro 



326 THE MONIKINS. 

is a capital leady-made caiida for liis majesty and his majesty's 
first-cousin ! A Leapliig-liized Leaplower, more especially 
if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very thing 
in our diplomacy." Finding matters so much to his mind, 
the judge made out the letter of appointment on the spot, 
and then proceeded to give his substitute the usual instruc- 
tions. 

"You are on all occasions," he said, ''to take the utmost 
care not to offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of 
the courtiers, by advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all 
of whicli, beyond dispute, you have at your finger-ends ; on 
this score, you are to be so particular tlmt you may even, in 
your own person, pro tempore^ abandon republicanism — yea, 
sacred republicanism itself ! — knowing that it can easily be 
resumed on your return home again ; you are to remember 
there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have 
an opinion on any subject, unless it should be the opinion of 
the persons you may happen to be in company with ; and, as 
we have the reputation of possessing that quality in an emi- 
nent degree, everywhere but at home, take especial heed to 
eschew vulgarity — if you can; you w^ill have the greatest 
care, also, to wear the shortest bob in all your private, and 
the longest tail in all your public, relations, this being one 
of the most important of the celebrated checks and balances 
of our government ; our institutions being expressly fomied 
by the mass, for the particular benefit of all, you will be ex- 
cessively careful not to let the claims of any one citizen, or 
even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony which 
it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain with 
all foreign courts ; which courts being accustomed themselves 
to consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces 
of the state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any 
individual being made of so much importance. Should any 
Leaplower become troublesome on this score, give him a bad 
name at once ; and in order to eff'ect that object with your 



THE MONIKINS. 327 

own single-minded and riglit-loving countrymen, swear tliat 
he is a disorganizer, and, my life on it, both public opinions 
at home will sustain you ; for there is nothing on which our 
public opinions agree so well as the absolute deference wMch 
they pay to foreign public opinions — and this the more espe- 
cially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by derang- 
ing commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point 
to be in constant relations with some of the readiest para- 
graph-^vriters of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are 
properly stated at home. I would advise you to look out 
some foreigner, who has never seen Leaplow, for this em- 
ployment ; one that is also paid to write for the journals of 
Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign country; by 
which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, or 
one who can state things in your own way, who is already 
half paid for his services, and who will not be likely to make 
blunders by meddling with distinctive thought. When a 
person of this character is found, let him drop a line now 
and then in favor of your own sagacity and patriotism ; and 
if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about me, it 
will do no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more 
readily. In order to conceal his origin, let your paragraph- 
agent use the word our freely ; the use of this word, as you 
know, being the only qualification of citizenship in Leaplow. 
Let him begin to spell the word 0-U-R, and then proceed 
to pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it 
H-O-U-R, which might betray his origin. Above all things, 
you will be patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindi- 
cation of your country and its institutions, and satisfying 
yourself with saying that the latter are, at least, well suited 
to the former ; if you should say this in a vv^ay to leave the 
impression on your hearers, that you think the former fitted for 
nothing else, it will be particularly agreeable and thoroughly 
republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy, 
You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states scnsi- 



328 THE MONIKINS. 

tive on tlie point of tlieir peculiar political usages, and prompt 
to defend tlicm ; but tliis is a weakness you will rigidly ab- 
stain from imitating, for our polity being exclusively based on 
reason, you are to sliow a digcified confidence in the potency 
of that fundamental principle, nor in any way lessen tlie high 
cliaracter that reason already enjoys, by giving any one cause 
to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care of 
itself. "With these leading hints, and your own natural ten- 
dencies, which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the 
great objects of diplomacy, being ductile, imitative, yielding, 
calculating, and, above all, of a foreign disposition, I think 
you will be able to get on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all 
things, your foreign dispositions, for you are now on foreign 
duty, and your country reposes on your shoulders and emi- 
nent talents the whole burden of its foreign interests in this 
part of the world.'* 

Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, appar- 
ently well satisfied with himself and Avith his raw-hand in 
diplomacy. He then said — 

" That he would now go to court to present his substitute, 
and to take leave himself; after which he would return as fost 
as possible, and detain us no longer than was necessary to put 
his Cauda in pepper, to protect it against the moths ; for 
heaven knew what prize he might draw in the next turn of 
the little wheel !" 

We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger 
just then informed us, Captain Poke had landed, and was 
anxiously waiting our appearance. With this understanding 
we separated ; the judge imdertaking to redeem all our prom- 
ises paid in at the tavern, by giving his own in their stead. 

The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bar- 
sjaining for some private adventures, with a Leaphigh broker 
or two, who, findiug that the ship was about to sail in ballast, 
were recommending their wares to the notice of these two 
worthies. 



THE M N I K I N B . 82l) 

*'It wouid be a ra'al sin, Sir Jolin," commenced the cap- 
tain, ** to neglect an occasion like this to turn a penny. The 
ship could carry ten thousand immigrunts, and they say there 
are millions of them going over to Leaplow ; or it might stovr 
half the goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate, to 
use my cabin privilege ; and I would advise you, as owner, 
to look out for suthin' to pay port-charges with, to say the 
Jeast." 

" The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke ; but, as we are 
ignorant of the state of the market on the other side, it 
might be well to consult some inhabitant of the country 
about the choice of articles. Here is the Brigadier Down- 
right, whom I have found to be a monikin of experience and 
judgment, and if you please, we will first hear what he has 
to say about it." 

" I dabble very little in merchandise," returned the briga- 
dier ; " but, as a general principle, I should say that no arti- 
cle of Lcaphigh manufacture would command so certain a 
market in Leaplow as opinions." 

*' Have you any of these opinions for sale ?" I inquired of 
the broker. 

" Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities — from the very 
lowest to the very 'ighest prices — those that may be had for 
next to nothing, to those that we think a great deal of our- 
selves. We always keeps them ready packed for exportation, 
and send wast invoices of them, hannually, to Leaplow in 
particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each other ; 
and a ship of the tonnage of yours might stow enough, pro- 
vided they were properly assorted, to carry all before them 
for the season." 

Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immedi- 
ately led into an adjoining warehouse, where, sure enouo-h 
there were goodly lots of the manufactures in question. I 
passed along the shelves, reading the inscriptions of the dif- 
ferent packages. Pointing to several bundles that had " OfJin- 



330 THE MONIKINS. 

ions on Free Trade''* written on tlieir labels, I asted the 
brigadier what lie tbougbt of that article. 

** Wby, tbey would have done better, a year or two since, 
when we were settling a new tariff; but I should think there 
would be less demand for them now." 

''You are quite right, sir," added the broker ; ^^ -we did 
send large invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they 
were all eagerly bought up, the moment they arrived. A 
great many were dyed over again, and sold as of 'ome manu- 
facture. Most of these harticles are now shipped for Leapup, 
with whom we have negotiations that give them a certain 
value." 

" ' Opinions on Democracy^ and on the Polity of Govern- 
ments in general ;' I should think these would be of no use 
in Leaplow ?" 

" Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. 
"We sell powers on 'em on our own continent, near by, and a 
great many do go even to Leaplow ; though what they does 
with 'em there, I never could say, seeing they are all govern- 
ment monikins in that queer country." 

An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the 
brigadier : — 

*' To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up 
these articles with some eagerness. I can only account for 
it, by supposing they think differing in their tastes from the 
mass, makes them more enlightened and peculiar." 

"I'll take tho*n all. An article that catches these propen- 
sities is sure of a sale. '■Opinions on Events ;"* what can 
possibly be done with these ?" 

"That depends a little on their classification," returned 
the brigadier. " If they relate to Leaplow events, while 
they have a certain value, they cannot be termed of current 
value ; but if they refer to the events of all the rest of the 
earth, take them for heaven's sake ! for we trust altogether 
to this market for our supplies." 



THE MONIKINS. 331 

On this hint I ordered tlie whole lot, trusting to dispose 
of the least fashionable by aid of those that were more in 
vogue. 

"* Opinions on Domestic Literature.^ " 

"You may buy all he has ; we use no other." 

" * Opinions on Continental Literature.^ " 

'* Why, we know little about the goods themselves — but I 
think a selection might answer." 

I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a ven- 
ture. 

" ' Opinions on Leaplow Literature^ from No. 1 up to No. 
100.'" 

"Ah! it is proper I should explain," put in the broker, 
" that we has two varieties of them 'ere harticles. One is the 
true harticle, as is got up by our great wits and philosophers, 
they says, on the most approved models; but the other is 
nothing but a sham harticle that is really manufactured in 
Leaplow, and is sent out here to get our stamp. That's all — 
I never deceives a customer — both sell well, I hear, on the 
other side, however." 

I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding as- 
sent, I took the whole hundred bales. 

" '• Opinions of the Lnstitutions of Leaphigh.'' " 

" Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms and 
colors. They came coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic 
consumption ; though I have known 'em sent to Leaplow, 
with success." 

" The consumers of this article among us," observed the 
brigadier, " are very select, and rarely take any but of the xevy 
best quality. But then they are usually so well stocked, that 
I question if a new importation would pay freight. Indeed, 
our consumers cling very generally to the old fashions in this 
article, not even admitting the changes produced by time. 
There was an old manufacturer called Whitcioek, who has a 
sort of BarloAV-knifc rc2)utation among us, and it is not easy 



332 THE MONIKINS. 

to get another article to compete witli liis. "Unless they are 
very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with them." 

*'Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow 
quantities of that 'ere manufacture ; and the more hantiquat- 
ei the harticle, the better it sells ; but then the new fashions 
has a most wonderful run at 'ome." 

"I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt 
me up a bale of his notions ; let them be as old as the flood. 
What have we here? — ^Opinions on the Institutions of Leap- 
low: " 

'' Take them," said the brigadier, promptly. 

" This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own 
market," added the broker, giggling. "Wast lots of these 
things go across yearly — and I don't find that any on 'em 
ever comes back." 

" ' Opinions on the State of Manricrs and Society in Leap- 

lo'w: " 

"I believe I'll take an interest in that article myself. Sir 
John, if you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have 
you many of this manufacture ?" 

"Lots on 'em, sir — and they do sell so ! That 'ere are a 
good harticle both at 'ome and abroad. My eye ! how they 
does go off in Leaplow !" 

"This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by 
your readiness to take an interest !" 

" To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved 
country." 

"Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to pur- 
chase this and the last article, a little singular. If I have 
rightly comprehended our previous conversations, you Leap- 
lowers profess to have improved not only on the ancient prin- 
ciples of polity, but on the social condition generally." 

" We will talk of this during the passage homeward. Sir 
John Goldencalf ; but, by your leave, I will take a share in 
the investment in ' Opinions on the State of Society and 



THE MONIKINS. 333 

Manners in Leaplow,' especially if they treat at large on tlie 
deformities of the government, while they allow us to be 
genteel. This is the true notch — some of these goods have 
been condemned because the manufacturers hadn't sufficient 
skill in dyeing." 

'* You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Brokei ; 
I take it these said opinions come from some very well known 
and approved manufactory?" 

"All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing — 
every thing sells, however. I never was in Leaplow, but we 
says over here, that the Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep 
on our opinions. Lord, sir, it would really do your heart 
good to see the stuff, in these harticles, that they does take 
from us without hio-Hino; !" 

CO o 

" I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement 
— as a means to pass a pleasant hour, of an evening — a sort 
of moral segar?" 

*' No, sir," put in the broker, " they doesn't smoke 'em, 
my word on't, or they would' nt buy 'em in such lots !" 

I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, 
and I turned to see what the captain was about. He was 
higghug for a bale marked " Opinions on the Lost Condition 
of the Monikin Soul." A Httle curious to know why he had 
made this selection, I led him aside, and frankly put the ques- 
tion. 

" Why, to own the truth. Sir John," he said, " religion is 
an article that sells in every market, in some shape or other. 
Now, we are all in the dark about the Leaplow tastes and 
usages, for I always suspect a native of the country to which 
I am bound, on such a p'int ; and if the things shouldn't 
sell there, they'll at least do at Stunin'tun, Miss Poke alone 
would use up what there is in that there bale, in a twelve- 
month. To give the woman her due, she's a desperate con- 
sumer of snuff and religion." 

We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and 



334 THE MONIKINS. 

tlie cook, wlio had come ashore to dispose of liis slusli, had 
not yet been able to get any thing. 

" Here is a small bale as come from Leaplow, and a 
pinched little thing it is," said the broker, laughing; ''it 
don't take at all, here, and it might do to go 'ome again — at 
any rate, you will get the drawback. It is filled with * Dis- 
tinctive Opinions of the Eepublic of Leaplow.' " The cook 
looked at the brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation 
doubtful. Still it was Hobson's choice; and, after a good 
deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah always called his 
cook, consented to take the "harticle," at half the prime 
cost. 

Judge People's Friend now came trotting down to the port, 
thoroughly en rejmhlicain^ when we immediately embarked, 
and in half an hour. Bob was kicked to Noah's heart's con- 
tent, and the Walrus was fairly under way for Leaplow, 



THE MONIKINS. * 335 



CHAPTER XXIIL 

POLITICAL BOUNDARIES — POLITICAL RIGHTS — POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND 
POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS. 

The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been 
already mentioned ; but I believe I omitted to say, that there 
was a line of demarcation drawn in the water, by means of a 
similar invention, to point out the limits of the jurisdiction 
of each state. Thus, all within these water-marks was under 
the laws of Leaphigh ; all between them and those of some 
other country, was the high seas ; and all within those of the 
other country, Leaplow for instance, was under the exclusive 
jurisdiction of that other country. 

With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the water- 
marks in about half a day ; from thence to the water-marks 
of Leaplow was two days' sail, and another half day was 
necessary to reach our haven. As we drew near the legal 
frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing schooners 
were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction of the king, 
quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us, just 
as the outer end of the spanker-boom got clear of the 
Leaphigh sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the 
side of the ship, and before the crew of the boat could get 
on deck, he had ascertained that the usual number of prizes 
had been put into the little wheel. 

A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or 
which appeared to have been subjected to the second ampu- 
tation, being what is called in Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now 
approached, and inquired if there were any emigrants on 
board. He was made acquainted with our characters and 



33G * THE MONIKINS. 

objects. When lie understood tliat our stay would most likely 
be short, he was evidently a little disappointed. 

''Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, "you may still remain 
long enough to make naturalization desirable?" 

"It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries 
— but are there no legal objections?" 

"I see none, sir — you have no tails, I believe?" 

' ' None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, how- 
ever, but the circumstance of our being of a different species 
might throw some obstacles in the way." 

"None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too 
liberal for so narrow an objection. You are but little ac- 
quainted with the institutions and policy of our beloved and 
most happy country, I see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor 
Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor 
Leapunder ; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and independ- 
ent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous beyond example, 
Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system. We 
would as soon naturalize one animal as another, provided it 
be a republican animal. I see no deficiency about any of 
you. All we ask is certain general principles. You go on 
two legs " 

"So do turkeys, sir." 

"Very true — but you have no feathers." 

"Neither has a donkey." 

"All very right, gentlemen — you do not bray, however." 

"I will not answer for that," put in the captain, sending 
•his leg forward in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry 
in Bob, that almost upset tho Leaplower's proposition. 

"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there is a test 
that will put the matter at rest, at once." 

He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word "our" 
• — ' ' Our liberties' ' — ''^ our country' ' — " our firesides' ' — 
" our altars." Whoever expressed a wish to be naturalized, 
and could use this word in the proper manner, and in the 



THE MONIKINS. 337 

proper place, was entitled to be a citizen. We all did very 
well but the second mate, who, being a Herefordsliire man, 
could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the Doric, in 
the latter shibboleth, than *'our halters." Now, it would 
seem that, in carrying out a great philanthropic principle in 
Leaplow, halters had been proscribed ; for, whenever a rogue 
did any thing amiss, it had been discovered that, instead of 
punishing him for the offence, the true way to remedy the 
evil was to punish the society against which he had offend- 
ed. By this ingenious turn, society was naturally made to 
look out sharp how it permitted any one to offend it. This 
excellent idea is like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when 
they cut themselves with an ax, always apply salve and lint 
to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to heal as fast as 
possible. 

To return to our examination : we all passed but the 
second mate, who hung in his halter, and was pronounced to 
be incorrigible. Certificates of naturalization were delivered 
on the spot, the fees were paid, and the schooner left us. 

That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors 
until the following morning. As the sun rose, however, we 
fell in with three schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of 
which seemed bound on errands of life or death. The first 
that reached us sent a boat on board, and a committee of six 
"bob-upon-bobs" hurried up our sides, and lost no time in 
introducing themselves. I shall give their own account of 
their business and characters. 

It would seem that they were what is called a " nominat- 
ing committee" of the Horizontals, for the city of Bivouac, 
the port to which we were bound, where an election was 
about to take place for members of the great National Coun- 
cil. Bivouac was entitled to send seven members ; and 
having nominated themselves, the committee were now in 
quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to 
secure the naturalized interests, it had been determined to 
15 



338 THE MONIKINS. 

select as new a comer as possible. This would also be inain- 
tainiug the principle of liberality, in the abstract. For this 
reason they had been cruising for a week, as near as the law 
would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and they were now 
ready to take any one who would serve. 

To tliis proposition I again objected the difference of species. 
Here they all fairly laughed in my face. Brigadier Downright 
included, giving me very distinctly to understand that they 
thought I had very contracted notions on matters and things, 
to suppose so trifling an obstacle could disturb the harmony 
and unity of a Horizontal vote. They went for a principle, 
and the devil himself could not make them swerve from the 
pursuit of so sacred an object. 

I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as 
admirably as it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throw- 
ing of summersets ; and I feared that when the order was 
given ''to go to the right about," I might be found no better 
than a bungler. This staggered them a little ; and I perceiv- 
ed that they looked at each other in doubt. 

" But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need ?" 
one of them asked, after a pause. 

" Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evidence that I 
was no idle boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, 
in very good time. 

" Very well ! — admirably well !" they all cried in a breath, 
" The great political essential is to be able to perform the 
evolutions in their essence — the facility with which they are 
perform-ed being no more than a personal merit." 

"But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution 
and laws, than I have learned in a few broken discussions 
with my fellow-travellers." 

"This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, 
unlike that of Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs 
can read ; and then we have a political fugleman in the 
house, who saves an immense deal of unnecessary study and 



THE MONIKINS. 339 

reflection to tlie members. All you will have to do, will be 
to watch his movements ; and, my life on it, yon will go as 
well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there." 

" How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvi-es from 
this fugleman ?" 

"All the Horizontals, sir — the Perpendiculars having a 
frgleman of their own." 

" Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which 
I am no judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my 
fi lends." 

This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, 
as they all protested, great political capabilities ; the states- 
man who submitted all to his friends never failing to rise to 
eminence in Leaplow. The committee took my name in 
writing, and hastened back to their schooner, in order to get 
into port to promulgate the nomination. These persons were 
hardly off the deck, before another party came up the oppo- 
site side of the ship. They announced themselves to be a 
nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the 
same errand as their opponents. They, .too, wished to pro- 
pitiate the foreign interests, and were in search of a proper 
candidate. Captain Poke had been an attentive listener to all 
that occurred during the circumstances that preceded my nomi- 
nation ; and he now stepped promptly forward, and declared 
his readiness to serve. As there was quite as little squeam- 
ishness on one side as on the other, and the Perpendicular 
committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for time, 
the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was 
arranged in five minutes, and the strangers departed with the 
name of NOAH POKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE 
PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, 
handsomely placarded on a large board — all but the name 
having been carefully prepared in advance. 

When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah tooh 
me aside, and made his apologies for opposing me in this ira 



340 THE MONIKINS. 

portant election. Ilis reasons were numerous and ingenions, 
and, as usual., a little discursive. Tliey might be summed up 
as follows : He never had sat in a parliament, and he was 
curious to know how it would feel ; it would increase the 
respect of the ship's company, to find their commander of so 
much account in a strange port ; he had had some experience 
at Stunin'tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt 
of his abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of 
making a good legislator ; the congressman in his part of the 
country was some such man as himself, and what was good 
for the goose was good for the gander ; he knew Miss Poke 
would be pleased to hear he had been chosen ; he wondered 
if he should be called the Honorable Noah Poke, and whether 
he should receive eight dollars a day, and mileage from the 
spot where the ship then was ; the Perpendiculars might count 
on him, for his word was as good as his bond ; as for the 
constitution, he had got on under the constitution at home, 
and he believed a man who could do that might get on undei 
any constitution ; he didn't intend to say a great deal in par- 
liament, but what he did say he hoped might be recorded for 
the use of his children ; together with a great deal more of 
the same sort of argumentation and apology. 

The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent 
another committee, who announced themselves to be the 
representatives of a party that was termed the Tangents. 
They were not numerous, but sufiiciently so to hold the bal- 
ance whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars crossed 
each other directly at right angles, as was the case at present ; 
and they had' now determined to run a single candidate of 
their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by the 
foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of 
a proper person. I suggested the first mate ; but against this 
Noah protested, declaring that come what would, the ship 
must on no account be deserted. Time pressed ; and, while 
the captain and the subordinate were hotly disputing the pro- 



THE MONIKINS. 341 

priety of petmitting the latter to serve, Bob, wlio had ah-eady 
tasted the sweets of pohtical importance, in his assumes 
character of prince-royal, stepped slyly up to the committee, 
and gave in his name. Noah was too much occupied to dis- 
cover this well-managed movement ; and by the time he had 
sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly re- 
linquish all ambitious projects of this nature, he found that 
the Tangents were oif. Supposing they had gone to some 
other vessel, the captain allowed himself to be soothed, and 
all went on smoothly again. 

From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, 
the tranquillity and discipline of the Walrus were undis- 
turbed. I improved the occasion to study the constitution 
of Leaplow, of which the judge had a copy, and to glean 
such infoiTuation from my companions as I believed might be 
useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant it would 
be for a foreigner to teach the Leaplowers their own laws, and 
to explain to them the application of their own principles ! 
Little, however, was to be got from the judge, who was just 
then too much occupied with some calculations concerning 
the. chances of the little wheel, with which he had been 
furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating com- 
mittees. 

I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage 
of his country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning 
the Leaplow institutions, society and manners, of so much 
value in the market of the latter. To this I got but an in- 
diflerent answer, except it was to say, that his countrymen, 
having cleared the interests connected with the subjects from 
the rubbish of time, and set every thing at work, on the 
philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were exceed- 
ingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the 
success of the experiment. 

*'I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, briga- 
dier; one in which even the very children are profoundly in- 



342 THE M O N I K I N s . 

structed in the great truths of your system ; and, as to the 
monildnas, I am not without dread of bringing my theoreti- 
cal ignorance in collision with their great practical knowledge 
of the principles of your government." 

"They are early fed on political pap." 

"No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be 
from the females of other countries ! Deeply imbued with 
the great distinctive principles of your system, devoted to the 
education of their children in the same sublime truths, and 
indefiitigable in their discrimination, among the meanest of 
their households !" 

"Hum!" 

" Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not 
the most debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, 
intellectual, accomplished and patriotic, who limit their 
knowledge of these fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, 
and the whole of whose eloquence on great national questions 
is bounded by a few heartfelt wishes for the downfall of their 
opponents." 

"It is very much so .at Stunin'tun, too, if truth must be 
spoken," remarked Noah, who had been a listener. 

"Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling 
to their sides in just notions of general social distinctions, 
nurture their young antipathies with pettish philippics against 
some luckless chief of the adverse party." 

"'Tis pretty much the same at Stunin'tun, as I live !" 

"Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to 
point out to the future statesmen and heroes of the empire 
the beacons of crime, the incentives for public virtue, or the 
charters of their liberties : but who are indefatigable in 
echoing the cry of the hour, however false or vulgar, and 
who humanize their attentive offspring by softly expressed 
wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other frustrator of the 
designs of their friends, were fairly hanged !" 

"Stunin'tun, all over!" 



THE MONIKINS. iHd 

"Beings that are angels in fonn — soft, gentle, refined, and 
tearful as the evening with its dews, when there is a question 
of humanity or suffering ; but who seem strangely transformed 
into she-tigers, whenever any but those of whom they can 
approve attain to power ; and who, instead of entwining their 
soft arms around their husbands and brothers, to restrain 
them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer them on by their 
encouragement, and throw dirt with the volubility and wit 
of fish-women." 

" Miss Poke, to the backbone !" 

" In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of 
things at Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is be- 
spattered with mud, your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease 
anger by mild soothings of philosophy, tempering zeal by 
wisdom, and regulating error by apt and unanswerable quo- 
tations from that gi'eat charter which is based on the eternal 
and immutable principles of right." 

** "Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner 
in the house," cried the delighted Noah, " I shall be shy of 
answering ! I doubt, now, if the brigadier himself could 
repeat all you have just said." 

*' I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a Httle about 
your Leaplow constituency. The sufirage is, beyond ques- 
tion, confined to those members of society who possess a 
' social stake.' " 

"Certainly, Sir John. They who live and breathe." 

" Surely none vote but those who possess the money, aiid 
houses, and lands of the country?" 

" Sir, you are altogether in error ; all vote who possess 
cars, and eyes, and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, 
and wishes, and feelings, and wants. Wants we conceive to 
be a much truer test of political fidelity, than possessions." 

"This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hos- 
tility to the social-stake system." 

" You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your 



344 THE MONIKINS. 

own tlieoiy, or never more wrong as respects the truth. In 
Leaplow we contend — and contend justly — that there is no 
broader or bolder fallacy than to say that a representation 
of mere effects, whether in houses, lands, merchandise, or 
money, is a security for a good government. Property is 
affected by measures ; and the more a monikin has, the 
greater is the bribe to induce him to consult his own inter- 
ests, although it should be at the expense of those of every 
body else." 

"But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of 
the aggregate of these interests." 

" Your pardon. Sir John ; nothing is composed of it, but 
the aggregate of the interests of a class. If your govern- 
ment is instituted for their benefit only, your social-stake 
system is all well enough ; but if the object be the general 
good, you have no choice but to trust its custody to the 
general keeping. Let us suppose two men — since you hap- 
pen to be a man, and not a monikin — let us suppose two 
men perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, public virtue and 
patriotism, one of whom shall be rich and the other shall 
have nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairs of their com- 
mon country, and both are called upon to exercise their fran- 
chise, on a . question — as almost all great questions must — 
that unavoidably will have some influence on property gen- 
erally. Which would give the most impartial vote — ^he who, . 
of necessity, must be swayed by his personal interest, or he 
who has no inducement of the sort to go astray ?" 

"Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go 
wrong. But the question is not fairly put " 

"Your pardon. Sir John — it is put fairly as an abstract 
question, and one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to 
hear you say that a man would be apt to decide in this man- 
ner ; for it shows his identity with a monikin. We hold that 
all of us are apt to think most of ourselves on such occasions." 

"My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. 



THE MONIKINS. ^J 15 

Surely, if power belonged only to the poor — and tlic poor, vi 
the comparatively poor, always compose tlic mass — they 
would exercise it in a way to strip the rich of their posses- 
sions." 

" We think not, in Leaplow% Cases might exist, in which 
such a state of things would occur under a reaction ; but rc' 
actions imply abuses, and are not to be quoted to maintain 
a principle. He who was drunk yesterday, may need an 
unnatural stimulus to-day ; while he who is uniformly temper- 
ate preserves his proper tone of body without recourse to a 
remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a strong 
provocation, might possibly be made ; but it could scarcely 
be made twice among any people, and not even once among 
a people that submits in season to a just division of its au- 
thority, since it is obviously destructive of a leading principle 
of civilization. According to our monikin histories, all the 
attacks upon property have been produced by property's 
grasping at more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If 
you make political power a concomitant of property, both 
may go together, certainly ; but if kept separate, the dangei 
to the latter will never exceed the danger in which it is put 
daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in truth, the 
greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others." 

I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit 
that the brigadier had, at least, some truth on his side. 

" But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates 
the mind, ennobles, and purifies ?" 

'' Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact 
among men, but we hold among monikins, that * the love of 
money is the root of all evil.' " 

" How, sir ! do you account the education which is a 
consequence of property, as nothing?" 

** If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is 
most apt to teach, we hold it to be selfishness ; tut if you 
mean that he who has money, as a rule, will also have infor- 



346 THE MONIKINS. 

mation to guide him aiiglit, I must answer, that experience, 
wliicli is worth a thousand theories, tells us differently. Wc 
find that on questions which are purely between .those who 
have, and those who have not, the haves are commonly united, 
and we think this would be the fact if they were as un- 
schooled as bears ; but on all other questions, they certainly 
do great discredit to education, unless you admit that there 
are, in every case, two rights ; for, with us, the most highly 
educated generally take the two extremes of every argument. 
I state this to be the fact with monikins, you will remember — 
doubtless, educated men agree much better." 

"But, my good brigadier, if your position about the 
greater impartiality and independence of the elector who is not 
influenced by his private interests, be true, a country would 
do well to submit its elections to a body of foreign umpires." 

" It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign 
umpires would not abuse the power to their own particular 
advantage, if they could have the feelings and sentiments 
which ennoble and purify a nation far more than money, and 
if it were possible they could thoroughly understand the 
character, habits, wants, and resources of another people. 
As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to trust our 
own elections to ourselves — not to a portion of ourselves — 
but to all of ourselves." 

" Immigrants included," put in the captain. 

" Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of 
gentlemen like yourselves," returned the brigadier, politely ? 
"but liberality is a virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your 
idea of referring the choice of our representatives to strangers, 
has more merit than you probably imagine, though, certainly, 
impracticable, for the reasons already given. When we seek 
justice, wx commonly look out for some impartial judge. 
Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the matter of the 
interests of a state, for the simple reason that power of this 
sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle 



THE M O N I K I N S . 347 

wliicli, after a most scrupulous analysis, \vc liavc been com- 
pelled to admit is incorporated with tlie very monikin na- 
ture — viz., selfisliucss. I make no manner of doubt tbat you 
men, however, are altogether superior to an influence so un- 
worthy?" 

Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier's 
''Hum!" 

" Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the 
control of our aftairs to utter strangers, or to those whose 
interests are not identified with our own, we set about see- 
ing what could be done with a selection from among our- 
selves. Here we were again met by that same obstinate 
principle of selfishness ; and we were finally driven to take 
shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all, to 
the management of all." 

"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?" 

"Very far from it. The diftcrcnce between Leaphigh and 
Leaplow is just this : the Lcaphighers, being an ancient peo- 
ple, with a thousand vested interests, are induced, as time 
improves the mind, to seek reasons for their facts ; while we 
Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such restraints, have 
been able to make an effort to form our facts on our reasons." 

"Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on 
Leaplow facts?-" 

"Why does every little monikin believe his own father 
and mother to be just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, 
and discreetest old monikins in the whole world, until time, 
opportunity, and experience show him his error?" 

"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but 
admit every citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob 
and wants, to the exercise of the suffrage ?" 

" Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we 
ought to be, since we do not make ignorance and want 
of character bars to the privilege. Qualifications beyond 
mere birth and existence may be useful, but they are 



348 THE MONIKINS. 

badly chosen when they are brought to the test of purely 
material possessions. This practice has arisen in the world 
from the fact that they who had property had power, and 
not because they ought to have it." 

^'My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all ex- 
perience." 

" For the reason just given, and because all experience has 
Jiitherto commenced at the wrong end. Society should be 
constructed as you erect a house ; not from the roof down, 
but from the foundation upward." 

"Admitting, however, that your house has been badly 
constructed at first, in repairing it, would you tear away the 
walls at random, at the risk of bringing all down about your 
ears?" 

'* I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and 
then proceed with vigor, though always with caution. Cour- 
age in such an experiment is less to be dreaded than timidity. 
Half the evils of life, social, personal and political, are as 
much the cfi'ects of moral cowardice as of fraud. 

I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected 
the inducements of property in the selection of the political 
base of their social compact, I expected to find a capital sub- 
stitute in virtue. 

" I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a 
free people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models 
in this important particular ?" 

The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking 
about to the right and left, as if to regale himself with the 
odor of perfection. 

" Many theories have been broached on these subjects," 
he replied, "in which there has been some confusion be- 
tween cause and efi*ect. Virtue is no more a cause of free- 
dom, except as it is connected with intelligence, than vice is 
a cause of slavery. Both may be consequences, but it is not 
easy to say how either is ^necessarily a cause. Tliere is a 



THU MONIKINS. 349 

liomely saying among us monikins, wliicli is quite to the 
point in tliis matter : ' Set a rogue to catch a rogue.' Now, 
the essence of a free government is to be found in the respon- 
sibiHty of its agents. He who governs without responsibility 
is a master, while he who discharges the duties of a function- 
ary under a practical responsibility is a servant. This is the 
only true test of governments, let them be mystified as they 
may in other respects. Responsibility to the mass of the 
nation is the criterion of freedom. Now responsibility is the 
substitute for virtue in a politician, as discipline is the substi- 
tute for courage in a soldier. An army of brave monikins 
without discipline, would be very apt to be worsted by an 
army of monikins of less natural spirit, with discipline. So 
a corps of originally virtuous politicians, without responsi- 
bility, would be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and 
profiigate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who were kept 
rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power 
is a great corrupter of virtue, of itself ; while the liabilities 
of a restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. 
At least, such is the fact with us monikins — men very pos- 
sibly get along better." 

" Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering 
opinions that are diametrically opposed to those of the world, 
which considers virtue an indispensable ingredient in a re- 
public." 

" The world — meaning always the monikin world — knows 
very little about real political liberty, except as a theory. 
We of Leaplow are, in efi*ect, the only people who have had 
much to do with it, and I am now telling you what is the 
result of my own observation, in my own country. If moni- 
kins were purely virtuous, there would be no necessity for 
government at all ; but, being what they are, we think it 
wisest to set them to watch each other." 

" But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; 
and self-restraint is but another word for virtue." 



350 THE M N 1 K 1 N S . 

*'If tliG merit of our system depended on self-government, 
in your signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, 
it would not be worth tlie trouble of tliis argument, Sir Joliii 
Goldencalf. Tliis is one of those balmy fallacies with which 
ill-judging moralists endeavor to stimulate monikins to good 
deeds. Our government is based on a directly opposite prin- 
ciple ; that of watching and restraining each other, instead 
of trusting to our ability to restrain ourselves. It is the 
want of responsibility, and not of constant and active pres- 
ence, which infers virtue and self-control. No one would 
willingly lay legal restraints on himself in any thing, while 
all arc very happy to restrain their neighbors. This refers 
to the positive and necessary rules of intercourse, and the 
establishment of rights ; as to mere morality, laws do very 
little toward enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come 
of instruction ; and when all have political poAver, instruction 
is a security that all desire." 

''But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to 
their own especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the 
consequence." 

''Such a result is impossible, except as especial advan- 
tage is identified with general advantage. A community can 
no more buy itself in this manner, than a monikin can eat 
himself, let him be as ravenous as he will. Admitting that 
all are rogues, necessity would compel a compromise." 

" You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt 
that I shall find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreet- 
est, and the most consistent community I have yet visited. 
But another word : how is it that our friend the judge 
gave such equivocal instructions to his charge ; and why, in 
particular, did he lay so much stress on the employment 
of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have told 
me?" 

Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and ob- 
served that he thought there might possibly be a shift of 



THE MONIKINS. 



351 



wiud ; aud lie also wondered quite audibly, when ^Ye sliould 
make the land. I afterward persuaded him to allow that a 
monikin was but a mouikin, after all, whether he had the 
advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot. 




352 THE M O N I K I K !i 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

AN ARRIVAL — AN ELECTION — ARCHITECTURE — A ROLLING-PIN, AND 
PATRIOTISM OF THE MOST APPROVED WATER. 

In due time the coast of Leaplow made its appearance, 
close under our larboard bow. So sudden was our arrival in 
tliis novel and extraordinary country, tliat we were very near 
running on it, before we got a glimpse of its shores. The 
seamanship of Captain Poke, however, stood us in hand ; and, 
by the aid of a very clever pilot, we were soon safely moored 
in the harbor of Bivouac. In this happy land, there was no 
registration, no passports, "nonothin' " — as Mr. Poke point- 
edly expressed it. The formalities were soon observed, al- 
though I had occasion to remark, how much easier, after all, 
it is to get along in this world with vice than with virtue. 
A bribe offered to a custom-house officer was refused ; and 
the only trouble I had, on the occasion, arose from this awk- 
ward obtrusion of a conscience. However, the difficulty was 
overcome, though not quite as easily as if doucews had hap- 
pened to be in fashion ; and we were permitted to land with 
all our necessary effects. 

The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect as I first 
put foot within its hallowed streets. The houses were all 
covered with large placards, which, at first, I took to be lists 
of the wares to be vended, for the place is notoriously com- 
mercial ; but which, on examination, I soon discovered w^ere 
merely electioneering handbills. The reader will figure to 
himself my pleasure and surprise, on reading the first that 
offered. It ran as follows : 



THE MONIKINS. 353 

"HORIZONTAL NOMINATION. 

* ' Hoiizontal - Systematic - Indoctriirated - Republicans, Atten- 
tion ! 

*' Your sacred riglits are in danger ; your dearest liberties 
are menaced ; your wives and children are on the point of 
dissolution ; tbe infamous and unconstitutional position that 
tlie sun gives light by day, and the moon by night, is openly 
and impudently propagated, and now is the only occasion 
that will probably ever offer to arrest an error so pregnant 
with deception and domestic evils. We present to your notice 
a suitable defender of all those near and dear interests, in the 
person of 

JOHN GOLDENCALF, 

the known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound phi- 
losopher, the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow- 
citizens we need not recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is 
truly one of themselves ; to the native citizens we will only 
say, * Try him, and you will be more than satisfied.' " 

I found this placard of great use, for it gave me the first in- 
formation I had yet had of the duty I was expected to per- 
form in the coming session of the great council ; which was 
merely to demonstrate that the moon gave light by day, and 
that the sun gave light by night. Of course, I immediately 
set about, in my own mind, hunting up the proper arguments 
by which this grave political hypothesis was to be properly 
maintained. The next placard was in favor of — 

"NOAH POKE, 

the experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of state 
into the haven of prosperity — the practical astronomer who 
knows by frequent observations, that lunars arc not to be got 
in the dark. 



854 THE MO NIK INS. 

" ' Perpeiidiculai's, be plumb, and lay your enemies ou 
tlieir backs !'" 

After this I fell in with — 

" THE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT, 

is conj&dently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by 
the nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated- 
Politico-Tangents, as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar,"^' an 
enlightened politician, and a sound democrat." 

But I should fill the manuscript witli nothing else, were I 
to record a tithe of the commendations and abuse that were 
heaped on us all, by a community to whom, as yet, we were 
absolutely strangers. A single sample of the latter will suffice. 

"AFFIDAVIT. 

"Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the 
peace, Peter Veracious, &c., &c., who, being duly sworn 
upon the Holy Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz.: That 
he was intimately acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his 
native country, and that he is personally knowing to the fact 
that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven ille- 
gitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt without character, 
and that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence of having 
stolen a sheep. 

"Sworn, &c. 

"(Signed,) "PETER VERACIOUS." 

I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent state- 
ment, and was about to call upon the first passer-by for the 
address of Mr. Veracious, when the skirts of my skin were 
seized by one of the Horizontal nominating committee, and 

* I afterward found tbis was a common phrase in Lcaplow, being uniformly ap- 
plied to every monikin wbo wore spectacles. 



THE MO NIK INS. 355 

I was covered with congratulations on my being happily 
elected. Success is an admirable plaster for all wounds, and 
I really forgot to have the affair of the sheep and of the ille- 
gitimate children inquired into; although I still protest, that 
had fortune been less propitious, the rascal who promulgated 
this calumny would have been made to smart for his temerity. 
In less than five minutes it was the turn of Captain Poke. 
He, too, was congratulated in due form; for, as it appeared, 
the *' immigrant interest," as Noah termed it, had actually 
carried a candidate on each of the two great opposing tickets. 
Thus far, all was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I 
had not the smallest objection to sit in the Leaplow parlia- 
ment with the worthy sealer; but our mutual surprise, and, 
I believe I might add, indignation, were a good deal excited, 
by shortly encountering a walking notice, which contained a 
programme of the proceedings to be observed at the ^^Recep- 
tion of the Honorable Robert Smut." 

It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars 
had made so many spurious and mystified ballots, in order to 
propitiate the Tangents, and to cheat each other, that this 
young blackguard actually stood at the head of the poll ! — a 
political phenomenon, as I subsequently discovered, however, 
by no means of rare occurrence in the Leaplow history of the 
periodical selection of the wisest and best. 

There was certainly an accumulation of interest on arriv- 
ing in a strange land, to find one's self both extolled and vitu- 
perated on most of the corners in its capital, and to be elected 
to its parliament, all in the same day. Still, I did not permit 
myself to be either so much elated or so much depressed, as 
not to have all my eyes about me, in order to get as coiTectly 
as possible, and as quickly as possible, some insight into the 
characters, tastes, habits, wishes, and wants of my constituents. 

I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell 
chiefly on the moral excellencies and peculiarities of the pco- 
r»le of the monikin world. Still I could not walk through 



350 THE M O N I K I N S . 

the streets of Bivouac without observing a few physical usages, 
that I shall mention, because they have an evident connection 
with the state of society, and the historical recollections of 
this interesting portion of the polar region. 

In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds 
arc just as much at home in the promenades of the town, as 
the inhabitants themselves, a fact that I make no doubt has 
some very proper connection with that principle of equal 
rights on which the institutions of the country are estab- 
lished. In the second place, I could not but see that their 
dwellings are constructed on the very minimum of base, prop- 
ping each other, as emblematic of the mutual support obtained 
by the republican system, and seeking their development in 
height for the want of breadth ; a singularity of customs that 
I did not hesitate at once to refer to a usage of living in trees, 
at an epoch not very remote. In the third place, I noted, in- 
stead of entering their dwellings near the ground like men, 
and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that they 
ascend by means of external steps to an aperture about half- 
way between the roof and the earth, where, having obtained 
admission, they go up or down within the building, as occa- 
sion requires. This usage, I made no question, was pre- 
served from the period, and that, too, no distant one, when 
the savage condition of the country induced them to seek 
protection against the ravages of wild beasts, by having re- 
course to ladders, which were drawn up after the family into 
the top of the tree, as the sun sunk beneath the horizon., 
These steps or ladders are generally of some white material, 
in order that they may, even now, be found in the dark, 
should the danger be urgent; although I do not know that 
Bivouac is a more disorderly or unsafe town than another, in 
the present day. But habits linger in the usages of a people, 
and are often found to exist as fashions, long after the motive 
of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As a proof of 
this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac have still enormous iron 



THE MONIKINS. 357 

chevaicx-de-frise before tlie doors, and near the base of tlio 
stone-ladderfi ; a practice unquestionably taken from the origi- 
nal, unsopliisticated, domestic defences of tbis wary and enter- 
prising race. Among a great many of tbese chevaux-de-frise, 
I remarked certain iron images, that resemble tbe kings of 
oiiess-men, and wHcb I took, at first, to be symbols of tbe 
calculating qualities of tbe owners of tbe mansions, a species of 
republican heraldry ; but wbicb tbe brigadier told me, on in- 
quiry, were no more than a fashion that had descended from 
the custom of having stuffed images before the doors, in the 
early days of the settlement, to frighten away the beasts at 
night, precisely as we station scarecrows in a corn-field. Two 
of -these well-padded sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a fire- 
lock attitude, he assured me, had often been known to main- 
tain a siege of a week, against a she-bear and a numerous 
family of hungry cubs, in the olden times ; and, now that 
the danger was gone, he presumed the families which had 
caused these iron monuments to be erected, had done so to 
record some marvellous risks of this nature, from which their 
forefathers had escaped by means of so ingenious an expedient. 
Every thing in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime 
principle of the institutions. The houses of the private citi- 
zens, for instance, overtop the roofs of all the public edifices, 
to show that the public is merely a servant of the citizen. 
Even the churches have this peculiarity, proving that the 
road to heaven is not independent of the popular will. The 
great Hall of Justice, an edifice of which the Bivouackers 
are exceedingly proud, is constructed in the same recumbent 
style, the architect, with a view to protect himself from the 
imputation of believing that the firmament was within reach 
of his hand, having taken the precaution to run up a wooden 
finger-board from the centre of the building, which points to 
the place where, according to the notions of all other people, 
the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised. So very 
apparent was this peculiarity, Noah observed that it seemed 



358 THE MONIKINS. 

to him as if the whole '"arth" had been rolled down by a 
great political rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its 
finishing touch. 

While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk 
trot, who, Mr. Downright observed, eagerly desired our ac- 
quaintance. Surprised at his pretending to know such a fact 
without any previous communication, I took the liberty of 
asking why he thought that we were the particular objects 
of the other's haste. 

"Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is 
one of a sufficiently numerous class among us, who, devoured 
by a small ambition, seek notoriety — which, by the way, they 
are near obtaining in more respects than they probably de- 
sire — by obtruding themselves on every stranger who touches 
our shore. Theirs is not a generous and frank hospitality 
that would fain serve others, but an irritable vanity that would 
glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened monikin is 
easily to be distinguished from all of this clique. He is 
neither ashamed of, nor bigoted in favor of any usages, sim- 
ply because they are domestic. With him the criterions of 
merit are propriety, taste, expediency, and fitness. He dis- 
tinguishes, while these crave; he neither wholly rejects, nor 
wholly lives by, imitation, but judges for himself, and uses 
his experience as a respectable and useful guide ; while these 
think that all they can attain that is beyond the reacli of their 
neighbors, is, as a matter of course, the sole aim of life. 
Strangers they seek, because they have long since decreed 
that this country, with its usages, its people, and all it con- 
tains, being founded on popular rights, is all that is debased 
and vulgar, themselves and a few of their own particular friends 
excepted ; and they are never so happy as when they are gloat- 
ing on, and basking in, the secondary refinements of what we 
call the ' old region.' Their own attainments, however, 
being pretty much God-sends, or such as we all pick up in 
our daily intercourse, they know nothing of any foreign coun- 



THE MONIKINS. 359 

try but Leapliigli, wliose language we happen to speak ; and, 
as Leaphigh is also the very beau ideal of exclusion, in its 
usages, opinions, and laws, they deem all who come from that 
part of the earth, as rather more entitled to their profound 
homage than any other strangers." 

Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigorously 
pumping the nominating committee on the subject of the 
chances of the little wheel, suddenly left us, with a sneaking, 
self-abased air, and with his nose to the ground, like a dog 
who has just caught a fresh scent. 

The next time we met with the cx-cnvoy, he was in mourn- 
ing for some political backsliding that I never comprehended. 
He had submitted to a fresh amputation of the bob, and had 
so thoroughly humbled the seat of reason, that it was not 
possible fo-r the most envious and malignant disposition to 
fancy he had a particle of brains left. He had, moreover, 
caused every hair to be shaved off his body, which was as 
naked as the hand, and altogether he presented an edifying 
picture of penitence and self-abasement. I afterward under- 
stood that this purification was considered perfectly satisfac- 
tory, and that he was thought to be, again, within the limits 
of the most patriotic patriots. 

In the mean time the Bivouacker had approached me, and 
was introduced as Mr. Gilded Wriggle. 

"Count Poke de Stunin'tun, my good sir," said the brig- 
adier, who was the master of ceremonies on this occasion, 
"and the Mogul Goldencalf — both noblemen of ancient line- 
age, admirable privileges, and of the purest water — gentle- 
men who, when they are at home, have six dinners daily, 
always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are none of 
them less than six leagues in extent." 

"My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, 
gentlemen," interrupted our new acquaintance, "your rank 
and extraction being self-evident. Welcome to Leaplow ! I 
beg you will make free with my house, my dog, my cat, my 



360 THE MONIKINS. 

horse, and myself. I particularly beg that your first, your 
last, and all the intermediate visits, will be to me. Well, 
Mogul, what do you really think of us ? You have now been 
on shore long enough to have formed a pretty accurate no- 
tion of our institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge 
of all of us by what you see in the streets " 

*' It is not my intention, sir." 

" You are cautious, I perceive ? We are in an awful con- 
dition, I confess ; trampled on by the vulgar, and far — very 
far from being the people that, I dare say, you expected to 
see. I couldn't be made the assistant alderman of my ward, 
if I wished it, sir; too much jacobinism — the people are 
fools, sir ; know nothing, sir ; not fit to rule themselves, 
much less their betters, sir — here have a set of us, some hun- 
dreds in this very town, been telling them what fools they 
are, how unfit they are to manage their own aff'airs, and how 
fast they are going to the devil, any time these twenty years, 
and still we have not yet persuaded them to intrust one of 
us with authority ! To say the truth, we are in a most mis- 
erable condition ; and if any thing could ruin this country, 
democracy would have ruined it just thirty-five years ago." 

Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the 
wailings of Count Poke de Stunin'tun. The latter, by gaz- 
ing in admiration at the speaker, had inadvertently struck his 
toe against one of the forty-three thousand seven hundred 
and sixty inequalities of the pavement (for every thing in 
Leaplow is exactly equal, except the streets and highways), 
and fallen forward on his nose. I have already had occasion 
to allude to the sealer's readiness in using opprobrious epi- 
thets. This contre-tcmps happened in the principal street of 
Bivouac, or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of 
more than a league in extent ; but notwithstanding its great 
length, Noah took it up at one end and abused it all the way 
to the other, with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and point, 
that excited general admiration. " It was the dirtiest, worst 



THE MONIKINS. 361 

paved, meanest, vilest street he liad ever seen, and if they had 
it at Stunin'tun, instead of using it as a street at all, they 
would fence it up at each end, and turn it into a hog-lot." 
Here Brigadier Downright betrayed unequivocal signs of 
alarm. Drawing us aside, he vehemently demanded of the 
captain if he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner 
the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality, taste, and 
elegance ! This street was never spoken of except by the 
use of superlatives ; a usage, by the way, that Noah himself 
had by no means neglected. It was commonly thought to 
be the longest and the shortest, the widest and the narrowest, 
th(; best built and the worst built avenue in the universe. 
*' Whatever you say or do," he continued, ''whatever you 
think or believe, never deny the superlatives of the Wide- 
path. If asked if you ever saw a street so crowded, although 
there be room to wheel a regiment, swear it is stifling ; if re- 
quired to name another promenade so free from interruption, 
protest, by your soul, that the place is a desert ! Say what 
you will of the institutions of the country " 

"How!" I exclaimed; "of the sacred rights of moni- 
kins?" 

"Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikius, too, with 
just as much filth as you please. Indeed, if you wish to cir- 
culate freely in genteel society, I would advise you to get a 
pretty free use of the words, 'jacobins,' 'rabble,' 'mob,' 
'agrarians,' '• canaille y'' and 'democrats;' for they recom- 
mend many to notice who possess nothing else. In our 
happy and independent country, it is a sure sign of lofty sen- 
timent, a finished education, a regulated intellect, and a 
genteel intercourse, to know how to bespatter all that portion 
of your fellow-creatures, for instance, who live in one-story 
edifices." 

" I find all this very extraordinary, your government being 
professedly a government of the mass !" 

"You have intuitively discovered the reason — is it not 
16 



362 THE MONIKINS. 

feshionaLle to abuse the government everywhere ? Whatever 
you do, in genteel life, ought to be based on liberal and 
elevated principles; and therefore, abuse all that is ani- 
mate in Leaplow, the present company, with their relatives 
and quadrupeds, excepted ; but do not raise your blaspheming 
tongues against any thing that is inanimate ! Respect, I en- 
treat of you, the houses, the trees, the rivers, the mountains, 
and, above all, in Bivouac, respect the Wide-path ! We are 
a people of lively sensibilities, and are tender of the reputa- 
tions of even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow phi- 
losophers are all of a mind on this subject." 

" King !" 

" Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity, 
brigadier?" 

" Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property 
is sacred ! We have a great respect for property, sir, and do 
not like to hear our wares underrated. But lay it on the mass 
so much the harder, knd you will only be thought to be in 
possession of a superior and a refined intelligence." 

Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to 
be noticed once more. 

*' Ah ! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh !" — he had been 
questioning one of our attendants — ''How comes on that 
great and consistent people?" 

"As usual, sir ; — great and consistent." 

" I think, however, we are quite ther equals, eh ? — chips of 
the same blocks?" 

" No, sir — ^blocks of the same chips." 

Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the com- 
pliment ; and I wished I had even laid it on a little thicker. 

" Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about ? Still 
pulling to pieces that sublime fabric of a constitution, which 
has so long been the wonder of the world, and my especial 
admiration ?" 

*' They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they 



THE MONIKINS. 363 

have eftectcd no great matter. The prhnate of all Leaphigh, 1 
had occasion to remark, still has seven joints to his tail." 

'* Ah ! they are a wonderful j)eople, sir !" said Wriggle, 
looking ruefully at his own bob, which, as I afterward under- 
stood, was a mere natural abortion. "I detest change, sir; 
w^ere I a Leaphigher, I would die in my tail !" 

"One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is 
to be excused a little enthusiasm." 

" A most miraculous people, sir — the wonder of the worJd 
—and their institutions are the greatest prodigy of the times !" 

" That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the brigadier ; 
" for they have been tinkering them, and altering them, any 
time these five hundred and fifty years, and still they remain 
precisely the same !" 

" Very true, brigadier, very true — the marvel of our times ! 
But, gentlemen, what do you indeed think of us? I shall 
not let you off with generalities. You have now been long 
enough on shore to have formed some pretty distinct notions 
about us, and I confess I should be glad to hear them. Speak 
the truth with candor — are we not most miserable, forlorn, 
disreputable devils, after all?" 

I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social condition of 
a people on so short an acquaintance ; but to this Mr. Wrig- 
gle would not listen. He insisted that I must have been par- 
ticularly disgusted with the coarseness and want of refinement 
in the rabble, as he called the mass, who, by the way, had 
already struck me as being relatively much the better part of 
the population, so far as I had seen things ! — more than com- 
monly decent, quiet and civil. Mr. Wriggle, also, very earn- 
estly and piteously begged I would not judge of the whole 
country by such samples as I might happen to fall in with in 
the highways. 

*' I trust, Mogul, you will have charity enough to believe 
we are not all of us quite so bad as appearances, no doubt, 
make us in your polished eyes. These rude beings are spoil* 



364 THE MONIKINS. 

ed by our Jacobinical laws ; but we liavc a class, sir, that ia 
different. But, if you will not touch on the people, how do 
you like the town, sir ? A poor place, no doubt, after your 
own ancient capitals ?" 

"Time will remedy all that, Mr. "Wriggle." 

" Do you then think we really want time ! — now, that house 
at the corner, there, to my taste is fit for a gentleman in any 
country — eh !" 

"No doubt, sir; fit for one." 

" This is but a poor street in the eyes of you travellers, I 
know, this Wide-path of ours ; though we think it rather 
sublime ?" 

"You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle — though not 
equal to many of the " 

" How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to any thing on earth ! 
I know several people who have been in the old world" — so 
the Leaplowers call the region of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leap- 
down, &c. — " and they swear there is not as fine a street in 
any part of it. I have not had the good fortune to travel, 
sir ; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir, that some of them, 
sir, that have travelled, sir, think, sir, the Wide-path, sir, 
the most magnificent public avenue, sir, that their experi- 
enced eyes ever beheld, sir — yes, sir, that their very experi- 
enced eyes ever beheld, sir." 

" I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, that you 
will pardon me if I have spoken hastily." 

" Oh ! no ofi*ence — I despise the monikin who is not 
above local vanities and provincial admiration ! You ought 
to have seen that, sir, for I frankly admit, sir, that no rabble 
can be worse than ours, and that we are all going to the 
devil, as fast as ever we can. No, -sir, a most miserable rab- 
ble, sir. — But as for this street, and our houses, and our cats, 
and our dogs, and certain exceptions — you understand me, 
sir — it is quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul, who is the 
greatest personage, now, in your nation <" 



THE MONIKINS. 3G5 

** Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir." 

*' Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house 
than that before us ? — I see you are delighted, eh ? We are 
a poor, new nation of pitiful traders, sir, half savage, as 
every body knows ; but we do flatter ourselves that we know 
how to build a house ! Will you just step in and see a new 
sofa that its owner bought only yesterday — I know him in- 
timately, and nothing gives me so much pleasure as to show 
his new sofa." 

I dechned the invitation on the plea of fatigue, and by 
this means got rid of so troublesome an acquaintance. On 
leaving me, however, he begged that I would not fail to 
make his house my home, swore terribly at the rabble, and 
invited me to admire a very ordinary view that was to be ob- 
tained by looking up the Wide-path in a particular direction, 
but which embraced his own abode. When Mr. Wrio-o-le 
was fairly out of ear,-shot, I demanded of the brigadier if 
Bivouac, or Leaplow, contained many such prodigies. 

"Enough to make themselves very troublesome, and us 
ridiculous," returned Mr. Downright. "We are a young 
nation, Sir John, covering a great surface, with a compara- 
tively small population, and, as you are aware, separated 
from the other parts of the monikin region by a belt of 
ocean. In some respects we are like, people in the coun- 
try, and we possess the merits and failings of those who are 
so situated. Perhaps no nation has a larger share of reflect- 
ing and essentially respectable inhabitants than Leaplow ; 
feut, not satisfied with being what circumstances so admirably 
fit them to be, there is a clique among us, who, influenced 
by the greater authority of older nations, pine to be that 
which neither nature, education, manners, nor facilities will 
just yet allow them to become. In short, sir, we have the 
besetting sin of a young community — imitation. In our case 
the imitation is not always happy, either; it being neces- 
sarily an imitation that is founded on descriptions. If the 



3GG THE MO NIK INS. 

evil were limited to mere social absurdities, it miglit bo 
laughed at — but tliat inbereiit desire of distinction, wbich is 
the most morbid and irritable, unhappily, in the minds of 
those who are the least able to attain any thing more than a 
very vulgar notoriety, is just as active here, as it is else- 
where ; and some who have got wealth, and who can never 
get more than what is purely dependent on wealth, affect 
to despise those who are not as fortunate as themselves in 
thij particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they 
turn to other states — Leaphigh, more especially, which is the 
beau ideal of all nations and people, who wish to set up a 
caste in opposition to despotism — for rules of thought, and 
declaim against that very mass which is at the bottom 
of all their prosperity, by obstinately refusing to allow of 
.^ny essential innovation on the common rights. In addi- 
tion to these social pretenders, we have our political Indoc- 
trinated." 

*' Indoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning of the 
term?" 

''Sir, an Indoctrinated is one of a political school who 
holds to the validity of certain theories which have been 
made to justify a set of adventitious facts, as is eminently the 
case in our own great model, Leaphigh. We are peculiarly 
placed in this country. Here, as a rule, facts — ^meaning po- 
litical and social facts — are greatly in advance of opinion, 
simply because the former are left chiefly to their own fl'ee 
action, and the latter is necessarily trammelled by habit and 
prejudice ; while in the *old region' opinion, as a rule, and» 
meaning the leading or better opinion, is greatly in advance 
of facts, because facts are restrained by usage and personal 
interests, and opinion is incited by study, and the necessity 
of change." 

" Permit me to say, brigadier, that I find your present 
institutions a remarkable result to follow such a state of 
things." 



THE MO NIK INS. 367 

" Tliey are a cause, ratlier than a consequence. Opinion, 
as a whole, is everywhere on the advance ; and it is further 
advanced, even here, as a ivhole, than anywhere else. Acci- 
dent has favored the foundation of the social compact ; and 
once founded, the facts have been hastening to their consum- 
mation faster than the monikin mind has been able to keep 
company with them. This is a remarkable but true state of 
the whole region. In other monikin countries, you see 
opinion tugging at rooted practices, and making desperate 
efforts to eradicate them from their bed of vested interests, 
while here you see facts dragging opinion after them like a 
tail wriggling behind a kite.* As to our purely social imi- 
tation and social follies, absurd as they are, they are neces- 
sarily confined to a small and an^ immaterial class ; but the 
Indoctrinated spirit is a much more serious affair. That un- 
settles confidence, innovates on the right, often innocently 
and ignorantly, and causes the vessel of state to sail like a 
ship with a drag towing in her wake." 

" This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened moni- 
kin nation." 

"No doubt, men manage better; but of all this you will 
learn more in the great council. You may, perhaps, think 
it strange that our facts should preserve their ascendency in 
opposition to so powerful a foe as opinion ; but you will re- 
member that a great majority of our people, if not absolutely 
on a level with circumstances, being purely practical, are 
much nearer to this level, than the class termed the endoc- 
trinated. The last are troublesome and delusive, rather than 
overwhelming." 

* One •would think that Brigadier Downright had lately paid a visit to our own 
happy and much enlightened land. Fifty years since, the negro was a slave in 
New York, and incapable of contracting marriage with a Avhito. Facts have 
however, been progressive ; and, from one privilege to another, he has at length 
obtained that of consulting his own tastes in this matter, and, so far as he himself 
is concerned, of doing as he pleases. This is ihefact; but he who presumes to 
speak of it has his ■windows broken by opinion, for his pains ! 

Note by tue Editoe. 



368 THE MONIKINS. 

" To return to Mr. Wriggle — is Ms sect numerous ?" 

" His class flourishes most in the towns. In Leaplow we 
are greatly in want of a capital, where the cultivated, edu- 
cated, and well-mannered can assemble, and, placed by their 
habits and tastes above the ordinary motives and feelings of 
the less instructed, they might form a more healthful, inde- 
pendent, appropriate, and manly public sentiment than that 
which now pervades the country. As things are, the real 
elite of this community are so scattered, as rather to receive 
an impression from, than to impart one to society. The 
Leaplow Wriggles, as you have just witnessed, are selfish and 
exacting as to their personal pretensions, irritably confident 
as to the merit of any particular excellence which limits their 
own experience, and furiously proscribing to those whom 
they fancy less fortunate than themselves." 

*' Good heavens ! — ^brigadier — all this is excessively hu- 
man !" 

"Ah! it is — is it? Well, this is certainly the way with 
us monikins. Our Wriggles are ashamed of exactly that 
portion of our population of which they have most reason to 
be proud, viz., the mass; and they are proud of precisely 
that portion of which they have most reason to be ashamed, 
viz., themselves. But plenty of opportunities will offer to look 
further into this ; and we will now hasten to the inn." 

As the brigadier appeared to chafe under the subject, I 
remained silent, following him as fast as I could, but keeping 
my eyes open, the reader may be very sure, as we went 
along. Tliere was one peculiarity I could not but remark in 
this singular town. It was this : — all the houses were 
smeared over with some colored earth, and then, after all 
this pains had been taken to cover the material, an artist was 
employed to make white marks around every separate par- 
ticle of the fabric (and they were in millions), which ingeni- 
ous particularity gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of 
detail, imparting to the architecture, in general, a sublimity 



THE MONIKINS. 300 

that is based on the multiplication table. If to this be added 
the black of the chevaux-de-frisey the white of the entrance- 
ladders, and a sort of standing-collar to the whole, immedi- 
ately under the eves, of some very dazzling hue, the effect is 
not unlike that of a platoon of drummers, in scarlet coats, 
cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of white. What renders the 
similitude more striking, is the fact that no two of the same 
platoon appear to be exactly of a size, as is very apt to be 
the case with your votaries in military music. 



370 TUE MONIKINS. 



CHAPTER XXV. 

A raNDAJIENTAL rRINClTLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A IUXDA:MKM- 
TAL ERROR. 

The people of Leaplow are remarkable for tlie deliberation 
of tlieir acts, tlie moderation of their views, and the accumu- 
lation of tlieir wisdom. As a matter of course, such a people 
is never in an indecent baste. Although I have now been 
legally naturalized, and regularly elected to the great coun- 
cil fully twenty-four hours, three entire days were allowed for 
the study of the institutions, and to become acquainted with 
the genius of a nation, who, according to their own account 
of the matter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in the 
waters under the earth, before I was called upon to exercise 
my novel and important functions. I profited by the delay, 
and shall seize a favorable moment to make the reader ac- 
quainted with some of my acquisitions on this interesting 
topic. 

The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great mor- 
al categories, viz. : the legal and the substitutive. The former 
embraces the provisions of the great elementary, and the latter 
all the provisions of the great alimentary principle. The first, 
accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the Great 
National Allegory, while the last is limited by nothing but 
practice; one contains the proposition, and the other its 
deductions; this is all hypothesis, that, all corollary. The 
two great political land-marks, the two public opinions, the 
bob-upon-bobs, the rotatory action, and the great and little 
wheels, are merely inferential, and I shall, therefore, say 
nothing about them in my present treatise, which has a strict 



THE MONIKINS. 371 

relation only to tlie fundamental law of tlie land, or to the 
Great and Sacred National Allegory. 

It lias been already stated that Leaplow was originally a 
scion of Leaphigh. The political separation took place in 
the last generation, when the Leaplowers publicly renounced 
Leaphigh and all it contained, just as your catechumen is 
made to renounce the devil and all his works. This renun- 
ciation, which is also sometimes called the denunciation, Avap 
mnch more to the liking of Leaplow than to that of Leap- 
high; and a long and sanguinary war was the consequence. 
The Leaplowers, after a smart struggle, however, prevailed 
in their firm determination to have no more to do with Leap- 
high. The sequel will show how far they were right. 

Even preceding the struggle, so active w^as the sentiment 
of patriotism and independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, 
though ill-provided with the productions of their own indus- 
try, proudly resorted to the self-denial of refusing to import 
even a pin from the mother country, actually preferring naked- 
ness to submission. They even solemnly voted that their 
venerable progenitor, instead of being, as she clearly ought 
to have been, a fond, protecting, and indulgent parent, was, 
in truth, no other than a rapacious, vindictive and tyrannical 
step-mother. This was the opinion, it will be remembered, 
when the two communities were legally united, had but one 
head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued a multitude of 
their interests in common. 

By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically 
changed. Leaplow pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and dc' 
clared her intention henceforth to manage her own affairs in 
her own way. In order to do this the more effectually, and, 
at the same time, to throw dirt into the countenance of hef 
late- step-mother, she determined that her own polity should 
run so near a parallel, and yet should be so obviously an im- 
provement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the imper- 
fections of tjic latter to the most superficial observer. That 



372 THE MONIKINS. 

this patriotic resolution was faithfully carried out in practice, 
I am now about to demonstrate. 

In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, 
that political authority came from God; though why such a 
theory should ever have prevailed anywhere, as Mr. Down- 
right once expressed it, I cannot see, the devil very evidently 
having a greater agency in its exercise than any other influ- 
ence, or intelligence, whatever. However, the jus divinum 
was the regulator of the Leaphigh social compact, until the 
nobility managed to get the better of the jus, when the divi- 
num was left to shift for itself. It was at this epocha the 
present constitution found its birth. Any one may have ob- 
served that one stick placed on end will fall, as a matter of 
course, unless rooted in the earth. Two sticks fare no better, 
even with their tops united ; but three sticks form a standard. 
This simple and beautiful idea gave rise to the Leaphigh polity. 
Three moral props were erected in the midst of the commu- 
nity, at the foot of one of which was placed the king, to pre- 
vent it from slipping; for all the danger, under such a system, 
came from that of the base slipping; at the foot of the second, 
the nobles; and at the foot of the third, the people. On the 
summit of this tripod was raised the machine of state. This 
was found to be a capital invention in theory, though prac- 
tice, as practice is very apt to do, subjected it to some essen- 
tial modifications. The king, having his stick all his own 
way, gave a great deal of trouble to the two other sets of 
Btick-holders; and, unwilling to disturb the theory, for that 
was deemed to be irrevocably settled and sacred, the nobility, 
who, for their own particular convenience, paid the principal 
workmen at the base of the people's stick to stand steady, 
set about the means of keeping the king's stick, also, in a 
more uniform and serviceable attitude. It was on this occa- 
sion that, discovering the king never could keep his end of 
the great social stick in the place where he had sworn to keep 
it, they solemnly declared that he must have forgotten where 



TIIEMONIKINS. 3/3 

the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had iiTctrievably 
lost his memory — a decision that was the remote cause of 
the recent calamity of Captain Poke. The king was no sooner 
constitutionally deprived of his memory, than it was an easy 
matter to strip him of all his other faculties; after which it 
w^as humanely decreed, as indeed it ought to be in the case 
of a being so destitute, that he could do no wrong. By way of 
following out the idea on a humane and Christian-like princi- 
ple, and in order to make one part of the practice conform to 
the other, it was shortly after determined that he should do 
nothing; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender being 
legally proclaimed his substitute. In the end, the cnmson 
curtain was drawn before the throne. As, however, this 
cousin might begin to wriggle the stick in his turn, and de- 
range the balance of the tripod, the other two sets of stick- 
holders next decided that, though his majesty had an unde- 
niable constitutional right to say who should he his eldest 
first-cousin of the masculine gender, they had an undoubted 
constitutional right to say who he should not he. The result 
of all this was a compromise; his majesty, who, like other 
people, found the sweets of authority more palatable than the 
bitter, agreeing to get up on top of the tripod, where he might 
appear seated on the machine of state, to receive salutations, and 
eat and drink in peace, leaving the others to settle among them- 
selves who should do the work at the bottom, as well as they 
could. In brief, such is the history, and such was the polity 
of Leaphigh, when I had the honor of visiting that country. 

The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was 
fadically wTong. They determined, in the first place, that 
there should be but one great social beam ; and, in order that 
it should stand perfectly steady, they made it the duty of 
every citizen to prop its base. They liked the idea of a tri- 
pod well enough, but, instead of setting one up in the Leap- 
high fashion, they just reversed its form, and stuck it on top 
of their beam, legs uppermost, placing a separate agent on 



374 THE MONIKINS. 

eacli leg, to work their macliine of state ; taking care, also, 
to send a new one aloft periodically. They reasoned thus : 
If one of the Leaphigh beams slip — and they will be very apt 
to slip in wet weather, with the king, nobles, and people 
wriggling and shoving against each other — down will come 
the whole machine of state, or, to say the least, it will get so 
much awry as never to work as well as at first ; and therefore 
we will have none of it. If, on the other hand, one of our 
agents makes a blunder and falls, why, he will only break his 
own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the midst of us, and, 
should he escape with life, we can either catch him and 
throw him back again, or we can send a better hand up in 
his place, to serve out the rest of his time. They also main- 
tain that one beam, supported l5y all the citizens, is much 
less likely to slip than three beams, supported by three pow- 
ers of very uncertain, not to say unequal, forces. 

Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national 
allegories of Leaphigh and of Lcaplow ; I say allegories, for 
both governments seem to rely on this ingenious form of ex- 
hibiting their great distinctive national sentiments. It would, 
in fact, be an improvement, were all constitutions henceforth 
to be written in this manner, since they would necessarily be 
more explicit, intelligible, and sacred than they are by the 
present attempt at literality. 

Having explained the governing principles of these two 
important states, I now crave the reader's attention, for a 
moment, while I go a little into the details of the modus ope- 
randi, in both cases. 

Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that 
Leaplow totally disclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. 
Being an only child myself, and having no occasion for re- 
search on this interesting subject, I never knew the basis of 
this peculiar right, until I came to read the great Leaphigh 
commentator, Whiterock, on the governing rules of the social 
compact. I there found that the first-born, moralh/ consid- 



THE MONIKINS. 375 

ercd, is thought to have better claims to the honors of the 
genealogical tree, on the father's side, than those oflspring 
whose origin is to be referred to a later period in connubial 
life. On this obvious and highly discriminating principle, 
the crown, the rights of the nobles, and indeed all other 
rights, are transferred from father to son, in the direct male 
line, according to primogeniture. 

Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the sup- 
2')Osition of legitimacy is as much in favor of the youngest as 
of the oldest born, and the practice is in conformity. As 
there is no hereditary chief to poise on one of the legs of the 
gi'cat tripod, the people at the foot of the beam choose one 
from among themselves, periodically, who is called the Great 
Sachem. The same people choose another set, few in num- 
ber, who occuj^y a common seat, on another leg. These 
they term the Riddles. Another set, still more numerous 
and popular in aspect, if not in fact, fills a large seat on the 
third leg. These last, from their being supposed to be super- 
eminently popular and disinterested, are familiarly known as 
the Legion. They are also pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees, 
an appellation that took its rise in the circumstances that 
most of the members of their body have submitted to the 
second dock, and, indeed, have nearly obliterated every sign 
of a Cauda. I had, most luckily, been chosen to sit in the 
House of Bobees, a station for which I felt myself well quah- 
fied, in this great essential at least ; for all the anointing and 
forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage 
out, and our residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so 
much as a visible sprout in either. 

The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had con- 
joint duties to perform, in certain respects, and separate 
duties in others. All three, as they owed their allegorical 
elevation to, so were they dei^endent on, the people at the 
foot of the great social stick, for approbation and reward — 
that is to say for all rewards other than those which they 



376 THE MONIKINS. 

have it in tlicir power to bestow on tliemselves. There was 
another authority, or agent of the public, that is equally 
perched on the social beam, though not quite so dependent 
as the three just named, upon the main prop of the people — 
being also propped by a mechanical disposition of the tripod 
itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and their 
duties are to revise the acts of the other three agents of the 
people, and to decide whether they are or are not in confor- 
mity with the recognized principles of the Sacred Allegory. 

I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study 
of the Leaplow institutions. In the first place, I soon dis- 
covered that the principal thing was to reverse the political 
knowledge I had acquired in Leaphigh, as one would turn a 
tub up-side-down, when he wished to draw from its stores at 
a fresh end, and then I was pretty sure of being within at 
least the spirit of the Leaplow law. Every thing seemed 
simple, for all was dependent on the common prop, at the 
base of the great social beam. 

Having got a thorough insight myself, into the governing 
principles of the system under which I had been chosen to 
serve, I went to look up my colleague. Captain Poke, in 
order to ascertain how he understood the great Leaplow Alle- 
gory. 

I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful 
form of speech already introduced in this narrative, '' consid- 
erably exercised," on the several subjects that so naturally 
presented themselves to a man in his situation. Li the first 
place, he was in a towering passion at the impudence of Bob 
in presuming to offer himself as a candidate for the great 
council ; and having offered himself, the rage of the Captain 
was in no degree abated by the circumstance of the young 
rascal's being at the head of the poll. He most unreservedly 
swore " that no subordinate of his should ever sit in the same 
legislative body with himself; that he was a republican by 
birth, and knew the usages of republican governments quite as 



THE MONIKINS. 377 

well as tlie best patriot among them ; and altliougli lie ad- 
mitted that all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his 
country, no man ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being 
sent there. They might elect just as much as they pleased ; 
but coming ashore, and playing politician were very different 
things from cleaning his boots, and making his coffee, and 
mixing his grog." The captain had just been waited on by 
a committee of the Perpendiculars (half the Leaplow com- 
munity is on some committee or other), by whom he had 
been elected, and they had given notice, that instructions 
would be sent in, forthwith, to all their representatives, to 
perform gyration No. 3, as soon after the meeting of the 
council as possible. He was no tumbler, and he had sent 
for a master of political saltation, who had just been with 
him practising. According to Noah's own statement, his 
success was any thing but flattering. * ' If they would give a 
body room. Sir John," he said, in a complaining accent, " I 
should think nothing of it — but you are expected to stand 
shcalder to shoulder — yard-arm and yard-arm — and throw 
a flap-jack as handy as an old woman would toss a johnny- 
cake ! It's unreasonable to think of wearing ship without 
room ; but give me room, and I'll engage to get round on 
the other tack, and to luff into the line again, as safely as the 
oldest cruiser among 'em, though not quite so quick. They 
do go about spitefully, that's sartain !" 

Nor were the Great National Allegories without their diffi- 
culties. Noah perfectly understood the images of the two 
tripods, though he was disposed to think that neither was 
properly secured. A mast would make but bad weather, he 
maintained, let it be ever so well rigged and stay'd, without 
being also securely stepped. He saw no use in trusting the 
heels of the beams to any body. Good lashings were what 
were wanted, and then the people might go about their private 
affairs, and no fear the work would fall. That the king of Leap- 
high hal no memory, he could testify from bitter experience ; 



378 THE MONIKINS. 

nor did lie believe tliat he liad any conscience ; and, chiefly 
he desired to know if we, when we got up into our places on 
the top of the three inverted beams, among the other Bobees, 
were to make war on the Great Sachem and the Riddles, ox 
whether we were to consider the whole affair as a good thing, 
in which the wisest course would be to make fair weather of it ? 

To all these remarks and questions, I answered as wxU as 
my own limited experience would allow ; taking care to 
inform my friend that he had conceived the whole matter 
a little too literally, as all that he had been reading about the 
great political beams, the tripods, and the legislative boxes, 
was merely an allegory. 

'* And pray, then. Sir John, what may an allegory be 2" 

" In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution." 

" And what is a constitution V 

" Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory," 

"And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to 
the book?" 

"Figuratively, only." 

" But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, 
and Riddles, and above all, the Bobees ! — We are boncy fie- 
diddle-di-dee elected?" 

"Boney fie-diddle-di-dee." 

" And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty 
to do?" 

"We are to act practically, according to the literality of 
the legal, implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the 
Great National Compact under a legitimate construction." 

" I fear we shall have to work double tides. Sir John, to do 
so much in so short a time ! Do you mean that, in honest 
truth, there is no beam ?" 

"There is, and there is not." 

" No fore, main, and mizzen- tops, according to Avliat is hertj 
written down ?" 

" There is jiot, and there is." 



THE MONIKINS. 379 

" Sir John, in the name of God, speak out ! Is all this 
about eight dollars a day, no better than a take in?" 

"That, I believe is strictly literal." 

As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the oppor- 
tunity to tell him he must beware how he attempted to stop 
Bob from attending the council. Members were privileged, 
going and coming ; and unless he was guarded in his course, 
he might have some unpleasant collision with the serjeant-at- 
arais. Besides, it was unbecoming the dignity of a legislator 
to be wranoflinsc about trifles, and he to whom was confided 
the gTeat afiairs of a state, ought to attach the utmost impor- 
tance to a grave exterior, which commonly was of more ac- 
count with his constituents than any other quality. Any one 
could tell whether he was grave or not, but it was by no 
means so easy a matter to tell whether he or his constituents 
had the greatest cause to appear so. Noah promised to be 
discreet, and we parted, not to meet again until we assembled 
to be sworn in. 

Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we 
disposed of our commercial investments that morning. All 
the Leaphigh opinions brought good prices ; and I had occa- 
sion to see how well the brigadier understood the market, by 
the eagerness with which, in particular, the opinions on the 
state of society in Leaplow, were bought up. But, by one 
of those unexpected windfalls which raise up so many of the 
chosen of the earth to their high places, the cook did better 
than any of us. It will be remembered, that he had bartered 
an article of merchandise that he called slush against a neglect- 
ed bale of Distinctive Leaplow Opinions, which had no suc- 
cess at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did from abroad, 
these articles had taken as a novelty in Bivouac, and he sold 
them all before night, at enormous advances; the cry being that 
something new and extraordinary had found its way into the 
market 



880 THE MONIKINS. 



CHAPTER XXVL 

now TO ENACT LAWS — ORATORY, LOGIC AND ELOQUENCE, ALL CONSIDERED 
IN THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS. 

Political oatlis are very mucli the same sort of thing 
everywhere, and I shall say no more about our inauguration 
than simply to state it took place as usual. The two houses 
were duly organized, and we proceeded, without delay, to the 
transaction of business. I will here state that I was much re- 
joiced to find Brigadier Downright among the Bobees, the 
captain whispering that most probably he had been mistaken 
for an " immigrunt," and chosen accordingly. 

It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a 
communication, which contained a compte rendu of the state 
of the nation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to 
receive, I thought it particularly long. Agreeably to the opin- 
ions of this docmnent, the people of Leaplow were, by a good 
deal, the happiest people in the world : they were also con- 
siderably more respected, esteemed, beloved, honored, and 
properly appreciated, than any other monikin community ; 
and, in short, they were the admiration and glory of the uni- 
verse. I was exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the 
facts were quite new to me ; a circumstance which shows one 
can never get correct notions of a nation except from itself. 

These important facts properly digested, we all of us set 
about our several duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our 
industry and integrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and 
it was not long before the Riddles sent us a resolution for 
concurrence, by way of opening the ball. It was conceived 



THE MONIKINS. 381 

m the following tenns: ^^ Resolved, that the color which has 
hitherto been deemed to be black, is really white." 

As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on 
which w^e had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the 
propriety of our going r(5und to the brigadier, and inquiring 
what might be the drift of so singular a proposition. Our 
colleague answered the question with great good-nature^ 
giving us to understand that the Perpendiculars and the 
Horizontals had long been at variance on the mere coloring 
property of various important questions, and the real matter 
involved in the resolution was not visible. The former had 
always maintained (by always, he meant ever since the time 
they maintained the contrary) the doctrine of the resolution, 
and the latter its converse. A majority of the Riddles, just 
at this moment, are Perpendiculars; and, as it was now 
seen, they had succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite 
principle. 

"According to this account of the matter. Sir John," ob- 
served the captain, "I shall be compelled to maintain that 
black is white, seeing that I am in on the Parpendic'lar 
interest?" 

I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own 
legislative debut was not to be characterized by the promul- 
gation of any doctrine so much at variance with my precon- 
ceived ways of thinking. Curious, however, to know his 
opinion, I asked the brigadier in what light he felt disposed 
to view the matter himself. 

"I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and, by what 
I can learn, it is the intention of our friends to steer a middle 
course ; and one of our leaders is already selected, who, at a 
proper stage of the affair, is to move an amendment." 

"Can you refer me, my^ear friend, to any thing connectf»,d 
with the Great National Allegory that bears on this point?*' 

"Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and im- 
mutable laws, wLich it is thouo-ht was intended to meet this 



'jiS'Z THE MONIKINS. 

very case; but, unhappily, the sages by whom our Allegory 
was drawn up, have not paid quite as much attention to the 
phraseology as the importance of the subject demanded." 

Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, 
and I returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was con- 
ceived as follows: — Art. IV. Clause 6 : "The Great National 
Council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or resolu- 
tion, declaring white to be black." 

After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, 
turning it on every side, and finally considering it upside- 
down, I came to the conclusion that its tenor was, on the 
whole, rather more favorable than unfavorable to the Hori- 
zontal doctrine. It struck me, a very good argument was to 
be made out of the constitutional question, and that it pre- 
sented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture on a 
maiden speech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my 
own satisfaction, I held myself in reseiTC, waiting for the 
proper moment to produce an effect. 

It was not long before the chairman of the committee on 
the judiciary (one of the effects of the resolution was entirely 
to change the coloring of all testimony throughout the vast 
republic of Leaplow) made his report on the subject-matter 
of the resolution. This person was a Tangent, who had a 
besetting wish to become a Riddle, although the leaning of 
our house was decidedly Horizontal ; and, as a matter of course, 
he took the Riddle side of this question. The report, itself, 
required seven hours in the reading, commencing with the 
subject at the epocha of the celebrated caucus that was ad- 
journed sine die, by the disruption of the earth's crust, and 
previously to the distribution of the great monikin family 
into separate communities, and ending with the subject of 
the resolution in his hand. The ^-eporter had set his politi- 
cal palette with the utmost care, having completely covered 
the subject with neutral tints, before he got through with it, 
and glazing the whole down with ultramarine, in such a way 



THE MONIKINS. 383 

^s to cause the eye to regard tlie matter tlirougli a fictitious 
atmosphere. Finally, he repeated the resolution, verhatim^ 
and as it came from the other house. 

Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their 
sentiments. To my utter amazement, Captain Poke arose, 
put his tohacco back into its box, and opened the debate 
without apology. 

The honorable captain said he understood this question to 
be one implicating the liberties of every body. He under- 
stood the matter literally, as it was propounded in the Alle- 
gory, and set forth in the resolution ; and, as such, he intended 
to look at it with unprcjudyced eyes. "The natur' of this 
proposal lay altogether in color. What is color, after all? 
Make the most of it, and in the most favorable position, 
which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely young woman, and 
it is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a cer- 
tain female in another part of the univarse, who is commonly 
called Miss Poke, might have out-rosed the best rose in a 
place called Stunin'tun; and what did it all amount to? He 
shouldn't ask Miss Poke herself, for obvious reasons — but he 
would ask any of the neighbors how she looked now? Quit- 
ting female natur', he would come to human natur' generally. 
He had often remarked that sea water was blue, and he had 
frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the water brought 
on deck, to see if he could come at any of this blueing mat- 
tor — for indigo was both scarce and dear in his part of the 
world, but he never could make out any thing by the experi- 
ment ; from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was 
pretty much no such thing as color, at all. 

"As for the resolution before the house, it depended en- 
tirely on the meaning of words. Now, after all, what is a 
word? Why, some people's words are good, and other peo- 
ple's words are good for nothing. For his part, he liked 
sealed instruments — which might be because he was a sealer 
— -but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He 



384 THE MONIKINS. 

once tuck a man's word for liis wages; and tlie long and 
short of it was, that lie lost his money. He had known a thou- 
sand instances in which words had proved to be of no value, 
and he did not see why some gentlemen Avished to make them 
of so much importance here. For his part, he was for puff- 
ing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color, above its de- 
sarts. The people seemed to call for a change in the color 
of things, and lie called upon gentlemen to remember that 
this was a free country, and one in which the laws ruled; and 
therefore he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws 
to the wants of the people. What had the people asked of 
the house in this matter? So far as his knowledge went, 
they had really asked nothing in words, but he understood 
there was great discontent on the subject of the old colors ; 
and he construed their silence into an expression of contempt 
for words in general. He was a Parpendic'lar, and he should 
always maintain Parpendic'lar sentiments. Gentlemen might 
not agree with him, but, for one, he was not disposed to 
jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he 
gave the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without 
altering a letter — although he did think there was one word 
misspelt — he meant 'really,' which he had been taught to 
spell 'ra'ally' — but he was ready to sacrifice even his opinions 
on this point to the good of the country; and therefore he 
went with the Kiddles, even to their misprints. He hoped 
the rizolution would pass, with the entire unanimity so im- 
portant a subject demanded." 

This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this 
time, the principal orators of the house had been much in the 
practice of splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the 
Great Allegory ; but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly 
great mind, had made a home thrust at the root of the whole 
matter ; laying about him with the single-heartedness of the 
illustrious Manchechan, when he couched his lance against 
the wind-mills. The points admitted, that there were no 



THE MONIKINS. 385 

such tilings as colors, and that words were of no moment, 
this, or indeed any other resolution, might be passed with 
impunity. The Perpendiculars in the house were singularly 
satisfied, for, to say the truth, their arguments hitherto had 
been rather flimsy. Out of doors, the effect was greater still ; 
for it wrought a complete change in the whole tenor of the 
Perpendicular argument. Monikins who the day before had 
strenuously affirmed that their strength lay in the phraseology 
of the Great Allegory, now suddenly had their eyes opened, 
clearly perceiving that words had no just value. The argu- 
ment had certainly undergone some modifications ; but, 
luckily, the deduction was undisturbed. The brigadier 
noticed this apparent anomaly ; explaining, however, that it 
was quite common in Leaplow, more especially in all matters 
affecting politics; though he felt persuaded men must be 
more consistent. 

No great time is required to put a well-organized politi- 
cal corps to the right-about, when proper attention has been 
paid to the preparatory drills. Although several of the best 
speakers among the Perpendiculars had appeared in their 
places, with ample notes, and otherwise in readiness to show 
that the phraseology of the resolution was altogether in favor 
of their views of the question, every monikin of them promptly 
rejected his previous argument for the simple and more con- 
clusive views of Captain Poke. On the other hand the Hori- 
zontals were so completely taken by surprise, that not an orator 
among them all had a word to say for himself. So far from 
replying, they actually permitted one of their antagonists to 
rise and to follow U]) the blow of the captain ; a pretty cer- 
tain sign that they were bothered. 

The new speaker was a very prominent leader of the Per- 
pendiculars. He was one of those politicians who are only 
th^ more dexterous from having been of all sides, knowing by 
experience the weak and the strong points of each, and being 
familiar with every subdivision of political sentiment that had 
17 



386 THE MONIKINS. 

ever existed in tlie country. This ingenious orator took up 
the subject with spirit, treating it throughout on the principle 
of the honorable member who had last spoken. According 
to his vicAvs of the question, the gist of a resolution, or a law, 
was to be found in things and not in words. Words were so 
many false lights to mislead, and — he need not tell this 
house a fact that was familiar to all who heard him — 
words would be, and were, daily moulded to suit the con- 
venience of all sorts of persons. It was a capital error in po- 
litical life to be lavish of words, for the time mught come 
when the garrulous and voluble would have cause to repent 
of having used them. He asked the house if the tiling pro- 
posed were necessary — did the public interests require it — 
w^as the public mind prepared for it ; if so, he begged gentle- 
men to do their duty to themselves, their characters, their 
consciences, their religion, their property, and, lastly, their 
constituents. 

This orator had endeavored to destroy words by words, 
and I thought the house regarded his effort rather favorably. 
I now determined to make a rally in favor of the fundamental 
law, which evidently had as yet been but little regarded in 
the discussion. I caught the speakers eye, accordingly, and 
was on my feet in a moment. 

I commenced by paying elaborate compliments to the 
talents and motives of those who had preceded me, and 
made some proper allusions to the known intelligence, patri- 
otism, virtue, and legal attainments of the house. All this 
was so well received, that taking courage, I determined to 
come down upon my adversaries at once, with the text of the 
written law. Prefacing the blow with a eulogium on the 
admirable nature of those institutions which were universally 
admitted to be the wonder of the world, and which were 
commonly pronounced to be the second perfection of moni- 
kin reason, those of Leaphigh being invariably deemed the 
first, I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of re- 



THE MO NIK INS. 387 

specting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked 
the attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular 
clause, which it had struck me had some allusion to the very 
point now in consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I 
had not the folly to defeat the objects of so much prepara- 
tion, by an indiscreet precipitancy. So far from it, pre- 
viously to reading the extract from the constitution, I waited 
until the attention of every member present was attracted 
more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation, and gravity of my 
manner, than by the substance of what had yet been said. 
In the midst of this deep silence and expectation I read 
aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in the hall — 

*' The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any 
law, or resolution, declaring white to be black." 

If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I 
was equally self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking 
about me, I saw surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder and un- 
certainty, in every countenance, if I did not find conviction. 
One fact embarrassed even me. Our friends the Horizontals 
were evidently quite as much at fault as our opponents the 
Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I had good reason to 
hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their cause sus- 
tained by an authority so weighty. 

*' "Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain 
from what author he has quoted?" one of the leading Per- 
pendiculars at length ventured to inquire. 

"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I re- 
sumed, believing that now was the favorable instant to follow 
up the matter, " is language that must find an echo in every 
heart — it is language that can never be used in vain in this 
venerable hall, language that carries with it conviction and 
command" — I observed that the members were now fau-ly 
gaping at each other with wonder — "Sir, I am asked to 
name the author from whom I have quoted these sententious 
and explicit words — Sir, nvhat you have just heard is to be 



388 THE MONIKINS. 

found in tLe Article IV., Clause 6, of the Great National Al 
Icgory " 

" Order — order — order !" shouted a hundred raven throats. 

I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had 
been only the instant before. 

"Order — order — order — order — order!" continued to bo 
yelled, as if a million of demons were screeching in the hall. 

''The honorable member will please to recollect," said the 
bland, and ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was 
a Perpendicular, elected by fraud, " that it is out of order to 
use personalities." 

"Personalities ! I do not understand, sir " 

"The instrument to which the honorable member has 
alluded, his own good sense will tell him, was never written 
by itself — so far from this, the very members of the conven- 
tion by which it w\t,s drawn up, are at this instant members 
of this house, and most of them supporters of the resolution 
now before the house ; and it will be deemed personal to 
throw into their faces former official acts, in this unheard-of 
manner. I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the honorable 
member is entirely out of order." 

"But, sir, the Sacred National " 

" Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt — but in a sense different from 
what you imagine — much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded 
to here. There are the works of the commentators, the books 
of constructions, and especially the writings cf various foreign 
and perfectly disinterested statesman — need I name Ekrub in 
particular ! — that are at the command of members ; but so 
long as I am honored with a seat in this cliair,"^! shall per- 
emptorily decide against all personalities." 

I was dumb-founded. The idea that the authority itself 
would be refused never crossed my mind, though I had antici- 
pated a sharp struggle on its construction. The constitution 
only required that no law should be passed declaring black to 
be white, whereas the resolution nferely ordered that hence- 



THE MONIKINS. 389 

fortli wliite should be black. Here was matter for discussion, 
nor was I at all sanguine as to tbe result; but to be thus 
knocked on tlie bead by a club, in the outset, was too much 
for the modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in con- 
fusion ; and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their 
sneers, now expected to carry every thing triumphantly their 
own way. This, most probably, would have been the case, 
had not one of the Tangents immediately got the floor, to 
move the amendment. 

To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in some 
degree, to my own mortification, this duty was intrusted to 
the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut commenced with entreat- 
ing members not to be led away by the sophistry of the first 
speaker. That honorable member, no doubt, felt himself 
called upon to defend the position taken by his friends ; but 
those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to know him, 
must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least, undergone 
a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member 
denied the existence of color, at all ! He would ask that 
honorable member if he had never been instrumental himself 
in producing what is generally called *' black and blue color ?'' 
he should like to know if that honorable member placed as 
little value, at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on 
words — ^he begged pardon of the house, but this was a matter 
of great interest to himself — he knew that there never had 
been a greater manufacturer of " black and blue color " than 
that honorable member, and he wondered at his now so per- 
tinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his wish to 
underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understood 
the importance of words, and the value of hues ; and while 
he did not exactly see the necessity of deeming black so in- 
violable as some gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not 
by any means prepared to go as far as those who had intro- 
duced this resolution. He did not believe that public opinion 
was satisfied with maintaining that black was black, but he 



390 THE MONIKINS. 

thouglit it was not jet disposed to aflSrm tliat black wa3 
white. He did not say that sucli a day might not arrive ; he 
only maintained that it 'had not yet arrived, and with a view 
to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he 
should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole 
of the resolution after the word *' really," and insert that which 
would cause the whole resolution to read as follows viz. : 

" Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed 
to be black, is really lead-color.'''' 

Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving 
the house to its own ruminations. The leaders of the Per- 
pendiculars, foreseeing that if they got half-way this session, 
they might effect the rest of their object the next, determin- 
ed to accept the compromise ; and the resolution, as amend- 
ed, passed by a handsome majority. So this important point 
was finally decided for the moment, leaving great hopes 
among the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizon- 
tals even flatter on their backs than they were just then. 

The next question that presented itself was of far less inter- 
est, exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, 
it will be necessary to refer a little to history. The govern- 
ment of Leapthrough had, about sixty-three years before, 
caused one hundred and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burn- 
ed on the high seas, or otherwise destroyed. The pretence 
was, that they incommoded Leapthrough. Leaplow was much 
too great a nation to submit to so heinous an outrage, while, 
at the same time, she was much too magnanimous and wise 
a nation to resent it in an every-day and vulgar manner. 
Instead of getting in a passion and loading her cannon, she 
summoned all her logic and began to reason. After reasoniug 
the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until all 
the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no 
longer be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two- 
thirds of her pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her 
pretensions in an honorary sense, and to compromise the af 



THE MONIKINS. 391 

fair by accepting a certain insignificant sum of money as a salve 
to the wliole wrong. Leapthrougli conditioned to pay this 
money, in the most solemn and satisfactory manner ; and 
every body was delighted with the amicable termination of a 
very vexatious and a seemingly interminable discussion. Leap- 
through was quite as glad to get rid of the matter as Leaplow, 
and very naturally, under all the circumstances, thought the 
whole thing at length done with, when she conditioned to 
pay the money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most unfor- 
tunately, however, had a '' will of iron," or, in other words, 
he thought the money ought to be paid as well as conditioned 
to be paid. This despotic construction of the bargain had 
given rise to unheard-of dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as in- 
deed might have been expected ; but it was, oddly enough, 
condemned with some heat even in Leaplow itself, where it 
was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious logicians, that the 
only true way to settle a bargain to pay money, was to make 
a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell due ; a plan 
that, with a proper moderation and patience would be certain, 
in time, to extinguish the whole debt. 

Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in 
hand, and it was now about to be presented to the house un- 
der four difiisrent categories. Category No. 1, had the merit 
of simplicity and precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow 
should pay the money itself, and take up the bond, using its 
own funds. Category No. 2, embraced a recommendation of 
the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay itself, using, however, 
certain funds of Leapthrough. Category 3d, was a proposal 
to ofier ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more about the 
transaction at all. Category 4th, was to commence the nego- 
tiating or abating system mentioned, without delay, in order 
to extinguish the claim by instalments as soon as possible. 

The question came up on the consideration of tlic different 
projects connected with these four leading principles. My 
limits will not admit of a detailed history of the debate. All 



392 THE MONIKINS. 

I can do, is merely to give an outline of the logic that these 
various propositions set in motion, of the legislative ingenuity 
of which they were the parents, and of the multitude of legit- 
imate conclusions that so naturally followed. 

In favor of category No. 1, it was urged that, by adopting 
its leading idea, the affair would be altogether in our own 
hands, and might consequently be settled with greater atten- 
tion to purely Leaplow interests ; that further delay could only 
proceed from our own negligence ; that no other project was 
so likely to get rid of this protracted negotiation in so short 
a time ; that by paying the debt with the Leaplow funds, we 
should be sure of receiving its amount in the good legal cur- 
rency of the republic ; that it would be singularly economi- 
cal, as the agent who paid might also be authorized to 
receive, whereby there would be a saving in salary; and, 
finally, that under this category, the whole affair might be 
brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the compass of 
any one's understanding. 

In favor of category No.' 2, little more than very equivocal 
sophisms, which savored strongly of common-place opinions, 
were presented. It was pretended, for instance, that he who 
signed a bond was in equity bound to pay it ; that, if he re- 
fused, the other party had the natural and legal remedy of 
compulsion ; that it might not always be convenient for a 
creditor to pay all the obligations of other people which he 
might happen to hold ; that if his transactions were exten- 
sive, money might be wanting to carry out such a principle ; 
and that, as a precedent, it would comport much more with 
Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintain the old and 
tried notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the un- 
known ocean of uncertainty that was connected with the 
new opinions, by admitting which, we could never know 
when we were fairly out of debt. 

Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system 
of logic, which appeared to have great favor with that class 



THE MONIKINS. 393 

of tlie members who were of the more refined school of 
ethics. These orators referred the whole matter to a seiiti 
ment of honor. They commenced by drawing vivid pictures 
of the outrages in which the original wrongs had been com- 
mitted. They spoke of ruined families, plundered mariners, 
and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical cal- 
culations to show that just forty times as much wrong had, 
in fact, been done, as this bond assumed ; and that, as the 
case actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to re- 
ceive exactly forty times the amount of the money that was 
actually included in the instrument. Turning from these in- 
teresting details, they next presented the question of honor. 
Leapthrough, by attacking the Leaplow flag, and invading 
Leaplow rights, had made it principally a question of honor, 
and, in disposing of it the principle of honor ought never to 
be lost sight of. It was honorable to pay one's debts — tJiis 
no one could dispute ; but it was not so clear, by any means, 
that there was any honor in receiving one's dues. The na 
tional honor was concerned ; and they called on members, as 
they cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and 
sustain it by their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had 
the best of it. In compounding with her creditor, as had 
been done in the treaty, Leapthrough lost some honor — in 
refusing to pay the bond, she lost still more ; and now, if we 
should send her the ten millions proposed, and she should 
have the weakness to accept it, we should fairly get our foot 
upon her neck, and she could never look us in the face 
again ! 

The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made 
pohtical economy his chief study. This person presented 
the following case : — ^According to his calculations, the wrong 
had been committed precisely sixty-three years, and twenty- 
six days, and two-thirds of a day, ago. For the whole of 
that long period Leaplow had been troubled with this vexa- 
tious questioTi, which had hung like a cloud over the other- 



304 THE MONIKINS. 

wise unimpaired briglitness of her political landscape. It 
was time to get rid of it. The sum stipulated was j ist 
twenty-five millions, to be paid in twenty-five annual instal- 
ments, of a million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the 
instalments to one half the number, but in no way to change 
the sum. That point ought to be considered as irrevocably 
settled. This would diminish the debt one half. Before the 
first instalment should become due, he would efiect a post- 
ponement, by diminishing the instalments again to six, refer- 
ring the time to the latest periods named in the last treaty, 
and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely tho 
same. It would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he 
repeated, ought to be considered as sacred. Before the ex- 
piration of the first seven years, a new arrangement might 
reduce the instalments to two, or even to one — always re- 
specting the sum; and finally, at the proper moment, a 
treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be no 
instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there had been 
an instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce 
it below one million. The result would be, that in about 
five-and-twenty years the country would be fairly rid of the 
matter, and the national character, which it was agreed on 
all hands was even now as high as it well could be, would 
probably be raised many degrees higher. The negotiations 
had commenced in a spirit of coripromise ; and our charac- 
ter for consistency required that this spirit of compromise 
should continue to govern our conduct as long as a single 
farthing remained unpaid. 

This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would 
have passed by a handsome majority, had not a new propo- 
sition been presented, by an orator of singularly pathetic 
powers. 

The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. 
He said that each and every one of them would lead to war. 
Leapthrough was a chivalrous and high-minded nation, as 



THE MONIKINS. 395 

was apparent by the present aspect of things. Should we 
presume to take up the bond, using our own funds, it would 
mortally offend her pride, and she would fight us ; did we 
presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would offend 
her financial system, and she would fight us ; did we presume 
to offer her ten milUons to say no more about the matter, it 
would offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be 
bought off from her rights, and she would fight us ; did we 
presume to adopt the system of new negotiations, it would 
mortally offend her honor, by intimating that she would not 
respect her old negotiations, and she would fight us. He 
saw war in all four of the categories. He was for a peace 
category, and he thought he held in his hand a proposition, 
that by proper management, using the most tender delicacy, 
and otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and 
honorable nation in question, we might possibly get out of 
this embarrassing dilemma without actually coming to blows 
— he said to blows, for he wished to impress on honorable 
members the penalties of war. He invited gentlemen to re- 
collect that a conflict between two great nations was a serious 
affair. If Leapthrough were a little nation, it would be a dif- 
ferent matter, and the contest might be conducted in a cor- 
ner ; our honor was intimately connected with all we did 
with great nations. What was war ? Did gentlemen know ? 
He would tell them. 

Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering 
monikinity to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading 
points : its religious, its pecuniary, its political, and its do- 
mestic penalties. He described war to be the demon-state 
of the monikin mind; as opposed to worship, to charity, 
brotherly love, and all the virtues. On its pecuniary penal- 
ties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. Buttons which 
cost sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would shortly 
cost sevenpence a gross. — Here he was reminded that moni- 
kins no longer wore buttons. — No matter, they bought and 



396 THE MONIKINS. 

sold buttons, and the effects on trade were just tlie same; 
The pohtical penalties of war he fairly showed to be fright- 
ful; but when he came to speak of the domestic penalties, 
there was not a dry eye in the house. Captain Poke blub- 
bered so loud that I was in an agony lest he should be called 
to order. 

''Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has 
been in the whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the 
sod that covers the hero of his country, the husband of her 
virgin affections. In vain the orphan at her side turns its 
tearful eye upward, and asks for the plumes that so lately 
pleased its infant fancy; in vain its gentle voice inquires when 
he is to return, when he is to gladden their hearts with his 
presence" — ^but I can write no more. Sobs interrupted the 
speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of godliness and 
benevolence. 

I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would in- 
troduce me to this just monikin without a moment's delay. 
I felt as if I could take him to my heart at once, and swear 
an eternal friendship with a spirit so benevolent. The briga- 
dier was too much agitated, at first, to attend to me; but, 
after wiping his eyes at least a hundred times, he finally suc- 
ceeded in arresting the torrents, and looked upward with a 
bland smile. 

"Is he not a wonderful monikin?" 

"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to 
shame ! — Such a monikin can only be influenced by the purest 
love for the species." 

"Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. 
Nothing excites our zeal like the principles of the class of 
which he is a member I" 

" How ! Have you more than one class of the humane ?" 

"Certainly — the Original, the Representative, and the 
Speculative." 

"I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinc- 
tion.s, my dear brigadier." 



THE MONIKINS 



307 



** The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the 
natural impulses. The Eepresentative is a more intellectual 
division, that feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are 
those whose sympathies are excited by positive interests, like 
the last speaker. This person has lately bought a farm by 
the acre, which he is about to sell, in village lots, by the foot, 
and war will knock the whole thing in the head. It is this 
which stimulates his benevolence in so lively a manner." 

*' Why, this is no more than a development of the social- 
stake system " 

I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to 
order. The vote on the resolution of the last orator was to 
be taken. It read as follows: — 

^^Resolvedy that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity 
and character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the 
subject of so petty a consideration as a certain pitiful treaty 
between the two countries." 

"Unanimity — unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. 
Unanimity there was ; and then the whole house set to work 
shaking hands and hugging each other, in pure joy at the 
success of the honorable and ingenious manner in which it 
bad got rid of this embarrassing and impertinent question. 



o 08 T II E M O N 1 K 1 N S . 



CHAPTER XXVII. 

AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS — AN OBSCURATION, A DISSER- 
TATION, AND A CALCULATION. 

The house liad not long adjourned before Captain Poke 
and myself were favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. 
Downright, who came on an aftair of absorbing interest. He 
carried in his hand a small pamphlet; and the usual saluta- 
tions were scarcely over, before he directed our attention to 
a portion of its contents. It would seem that Leaplow was 
on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse. The periods 
and dates of the phenomenon (if that can be called a phe- 
nomenon which was of too frequent occurrence) had been 
calculated, with surprising accuracy, by the academy of Leap- 
high, and sent, through its minister, as an especial favor, to 
our beloved country, in order that we should not be taken by 
surprise. The account of the affair read as follows: — 

* ' On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the 
commencement of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the 
monikin region which lies immediately about the pole. The 
property in eclipse will be the great moral postulate usually 
designated by the term Principle ; and the intervening body 
will be the great immoral postulate, usually known as Inter- 
est. The frequent occurrence of the conjunction of these two 
important postulates has caused our moral mathematicians to 
be rather neghgent of their calculations on this subject, of 
late years; but, to atone for this inexcusable indifference to 
one of the most important concerns of life, the calculating 



THE MONIKINS. 399 

committee was instructed to pay unusual attention to all the 
obscurations of tlie present year, and this phenomenon, one 
of the most decided of our age, has been calculated with the 
utmost nicety and care. We give the results. 

" The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity 
coming in contact w^ith the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. 
M. The postulate in question mil be totally hid from view, 
in the course of 6 h. 17 m. from the moment of contact. 
The passage of a political intrigue will instantly follow, when 
the several sub-postulates of truth, honesty, disinterestedness, 
and patriotism, will all be obscured in succession, beginning 
with the lower limb of the first, and ending with all the limbs 
of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment of con- 
tact. The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will first 
be deepened by the approach of prosperity, and this will be 
soon succeeded by the contact of a great pecuniary interest, 
at 10 h. 2 m. 1 s.; and in exactly 2 s. and 3-7 s., the whole 
of the great moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid 
from view. In consequence of this early passage of the 
darkest shadow that is ever cast by Interest, the passages of 
the respective shadows of ambition, hatred, jealousy, and all 
the other minor satellites of Interest, will be invisible. 

"The country principally aficcted by this eclipse will be 
the republic of Leaplow, a community whose known intelli- 
gence and virtues are perhaps better qualified to resist its in- 
fluence than any other. The time of occultation will be 9 y. 
7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s. Principle will begin to reappear 
to the moral eye at the end of this period, first by the ap- 
proach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere being much less 
dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect views 
of the obscured postulate ; but the radiance of the latter 
will not be completely restored until the arrival of Mis- 
ery, whose chastening colors invariably permit all truths to 
be discernible, although through a sombre medium. To re- 
sume : 



400 THE MONIKINS. 

"Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M. 

Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 li. from begin- 
ning of eclipse. 

Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. d. 7 li. 9 m. from be- 

ginning of eclipse. 

End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from be- 

ginning. 

Period of occultation, 9 y. V m. 26 d. 4 b. 16 m. 2 s." 
I gazed at tbc brigadier in admiration and awe. There 
■was nothing remarkable in the eclipse itself, which was quite 
an every-day affair ; but the precision with which it had been 
calculated added to its other phenomena the terrible circum- 
stance of obtaining a glimpse into the future. I now began 
to perceive the immense difference between living consciously 
under a moral shadow, and living under it unconsciously. The 
latter was evidently a trifle compared with the former. Prov- 
idence had most kindly provided for our happiness in denying 
the ability to see beyond the present moment. 

Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He 
told me, with a rueful and prognosticating countenance, that 
we were fast drawing near to the autumnal equinox, when we 
should reach the commencement of a natural night of six 
months' duration ; and although the benevolent substitute of 
steam might certainly in some degree lessen the evil, that it 
was a furious evil, after all, to exist for a period so weary 
without enjoying the light of the sun. He found the external 
glare of day bad enough, but he did not believe he should be 
able to endure its total absence. Natur' had made him a 
" watch and watch" critter'. As for the twilight of which so 
much was said, it was worse than nothin', being neither one 
thing nor the other. For his part, he liked things *' made 
out of whole cloth." Then he had sent the ship round to 
a distant roadstead, in order that there might be no more 
post-captains and rear-admirals among the people ; and here 
had he been as much as four days on nothing but nuts. Nuts 



THE MONIKINS. 401 

miglit do for tlie pliilosopliy of a monkey, but lie found, on 
trial, tliat it played tlie devil witli tlie pliilosopliy of a man. 
Tilings were bad enough as they were. He pined for a little 
pork — he cared not who knew it ; it might not be very senti- 
mental, he knew, but it was capital sea-food ; his natur' was 
pretty much pork ; he believed most men had, in some way 
or other, more or less pork in their human natur' s ; nuts 
might do for monikin natur', but human natur' loved meat ; 
if monikins did not like it, monikins need not eat it ; there 
would be so much the more for those who did like it — he 
pined for his natural aliment, and as for living nine years in an 
eclipse, it was quite out of the question. The longest Stun- 
in' tun eclipses seldom went over three hours — he once knew 
Deacon Spiteful pray quite through one, from cqjogee to per- 
igee. He therefore proposed that Sir John and he should re- 
sign their seats without delay, and that they should try to get 
the Walrus to the north' ard as quick as possible, lest they 
should be caught in the polar night. As for the Hon. Eobert 
Smut, he wished him no better luck than to remain where he 
was all his life, and to receive his eight dollars a day in acorns. 

Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, 
not to record the sentiments of Noah, still my attention was 
much more strongly attracted by the demeanor of the briga- 
dier, than by the jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious in- 
quiry if he were not well, our worthy colleague answered 
plaintively, that he mourned over the misfortune of his country. 

*'I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and 
of the minor motives, across the disk of the great moral pos- 
tulate. Principle ; but an occultation of its light by a Pecuni- 
ary Interest, and for so long a period, is fearful ! Heaven 
only knows what will become of us !" 

*' Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations 
of the social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of 
which you seem to have so much dread, is not so formidable 
a thing, on reflection, as it at first appeared to be." 



402 THE M O N I K I N S . 

** You are quite riglit, Sir Joiiu, as to the cliaracter of tlio 
eclipse itself, whicli, as a matter of course, must depend on 
the character of the intervening body. But the wisest and 
best of our philosophers hold that the entire system of which 
we are but insignificant parts, is based on certain immutable 
truths of a divine origin. The premises, or postulates, of all 
these truths, are so many moral guides in the management of 
monikin affairs ; and, the moment they are lost sight of, as 
will be the case during these frightful nine years that are to 
come, w^e shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness. Now 
selfishness is only too formidable when restrained by Princi- 
ple ; but left to its own grasping desires and audacious soph- 
isms, to me the moral perspective is terrible. We are only 
too much addicted to turn our eyes from Principle, when it is 
shining in heavenly radiance, and in full glory, before us ; it is 
not difficult, therefore, to foresee the nature of the consequences 
which are to follow its total and protracted obscuration." 

"Youthen conceive there is a rule superior to interest, 
which ought to be respected in the control of monikin af- 
fairs?" 

*' Beyond a doubt ; else in what should we differ from the 
beasts of prey?" 

" I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord 
with the notions of the political economists of the social-stake 
system.'* 

** As you say. Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your 
social-stake system supposes that he who has what is termed a 
distinct and prominent interest in society, w^ill be the most 
likely to conduct its affairs wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. 
This would be true, if those great principles which lie at the 
root of all happiness were respected ; but unluckily, the stake 
in question, intead of being a stake in justice and virtue, is 
usually reduced to be merely a stake in property. Now, all 
experience shows that the great property-incentives are to in- 
crease property, protect property, and to buy with property 



THE MONIKINS. 403 

those a i vantages wMcli ouglit to be independent of property, 
viz.: honors, dignities, power and immunities. I cannot say 
how it is with men, but our histories are eloquent on this head. 
We have had the property-principle carried out thoroughly in 
our practice, and the result has shown that its chief operation 
is to render property as intact as possible, and the bones, and 
sinews, and marroAV of all who do not possess it, its slaves. In 
fihort, the time has been, when the rich were even exempt 
from contributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. 
But it is quite useless to theorize on this subject, for, by that 
cry in the streets, the lower limb of the great postulate is be- 
ginning to be obscured, and, alas! we shall soon have too 
much practical information." 

The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it 
was found that, in truth, the eclipse had commenced some 
time before, and that we were on the verge of an absolute 
occultation of principle, by the basest and most sordid of all 
motives, pecuniary interest. 

The first proof that was given of the true state of things, 
was in the language of the people. The word interest was in 
every monikin's mouth, while the word principle, as indeed 
w^as no more than suitable, seemed to be quite blotted out of 
the Leaplow vocabulary. To render a local term into EngUsh, 
half of the vernacular of the country appeared to be com- 
pressed into the single word ' ' dollar. " * ' Dollar — dollar — dol- 
lar' ' — nothing but ' ' dollar ! " " Fifty thousand dollars — twen- 
ty thousand dollars — a hundred thousand dollars" — met one 
at every turn. The words rang at the corners — in the public 
ways — at the exchange — in the drawing-rooms — ay, even in 
the churches. If a temple had been reared for the worship 
of the Creator, the first question was, how much did it cost? 
If an artist submitted the fruits of his labors to the taste of 
his fellow-citizens, conjectures were whispered among the spec- 
tators, touching its value in the current coin of the republic. 
If an author presented the oftspring of his genius to the same 



404 THE MONIKINS. 

arbiters, its merits were settled by a similar standard ; and 
one divine, wlio bad made a strenuous, but an ill-timed ap- 
peal to the charity of his countrymen, by setting forth the 
beauties as well as the rewards of the god-like property, was 
fairly put down by a demonstration that his proposition in- 
volved a considerable outlay, while it did not clearly show 
much was to be gained by going to heaven ! 

Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre an- 
ticipations, for all the acquirements, knowledge, and experi- 
ence, obtained in many years of travel, were now found to 
be worse than useless. If my honorable colleague and co- 
voyager ventured a remark on the subject of foreign policy, 
a portion of politics to which he had given considerable at- 
tention, it was answered by a quotation from the stock- 
market ; an observation on a matter of taste was certain to 
draw forth a nice distinction between the tastes of certain 
liquors, together with a shrewd investigation of their several 
prices; and once, when the worthy monikin undertook to show, 
from what struck me to be singularly good data, that the foreign 
relations of the country were in a condition to require great 
firmness, a proper prudence, and much foresight, he was 
completely silenced by an antagonist showing, from the last 
sales, the high value of lots up town ! 

In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could 
not resolve itself into dollars, by means of the customary ex- 
changes. The infatuation spread from father to son ; from 
husband to wife ; from brother to sister ; and from one col- 
lateral to another, until it pretty effectually assailed the whole 
of what is usually termed " society." Noah swore bitterly 
at this antagonist state of things. He affirmed that he could 
not even crack a walnut in a corner, but every monikin that 
passed appeared to grudge him the satisfaction, small as it 
was ; and that Stunin'tun, though a scramble-penny place as 
any he knew, was paradise to Leaplow, in the present state 
of things. 



THE MONIKINS. 405 

It was melanclioly to remark how the histre of the ordi- 
nary virtues grew dim, as the period of occultation contimied, 
and the eye gradually got to be accustomed to the atmos- 
phere cast by the shadow of pecuniary interest. I involun- 
tarily shuddered at the open and undisguised manner in 
which individuals, who might otherwise pass for respectable 
monildns, spoke of the means that they habitually employed 
in eflfecting their objects, and laid bare their utter forgetful- 
ness of the great postulate that was hid. One coolly vaunted 
how much cleverer he was than the law ; another proved to 
demonstration that he had outwitted his neighbor ; while a 
a third, more daring or more expert, applied the same 
gi'ounds of exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had 
the merit of cunning ; that of dissimulation ; another of de- 
ception, and all of success ! 

The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest con- 
nected with monikin life. Temples were raised to God on 
speculation ; the government was perverted to a money- 
investment, in which profit, and not justice and security, was 
the object ; holy wedlock fast took the aspect of buying and 
selling, and few prayed who did not identify spiritual bene- 
fits with gold and silver. 

The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to 
appear in Leaplow. Many of those pure and unsophisticated 
republicans shouted, " Property is in danger !" as stoutly as 
it was ever roared by Sir Joseph Job, and dark allusions 
were made to "revolutions" and "bayonets." But certain 
proof of the prevalence of the eclipse, and that the shadow 
of pecuniary interest lay dark on the land, was to be found 
in the language of w^hat are called the " few." They began 
to throw dirt at all opposed to them, like so many fish- 
women ; a sure symptom that the spirit of selfishness was 
thoroughly awakened. From much experience, I hold this 
sign to be infallible, that the sentiment of aristocracy is active 
and vigilant. I never yet visited a country in which a mi- 



406 THE MONIKINS. 

nority got into its head the crotchet it was alone fit to dictate 
to the rest of its fellow-creatures, that it did not, without de- 
lay, set about proving its position, by reviling and calling 
names. In this particular "the few" are like women, wdio, 
conscious of their weakness, seldom fail to make up for the 
want of vigor in their limbs, by having recourse to the vigor 
of the tongue. The * ' one' ' hangs ; the * ' many' ' command by 
the dignity of force ; the "few" vituperate and scold. This 
is, I believe, the case all over the world, except in those pecu- 
har instances, in which the " few" happen also to enjoy the 
privilege of hanging. 

It is worthy of remark that the terms, "rabble," disorgan- 
izers," "jacobins," and "agrarians,"* were bandied from 
one to the other, in Leaplow, under this malign influence, 
with precisely the same justice, discrimination, and taste, as 
they had been used by my ancestor in London, a few years 
before. Like causes notoriously produce like effects ; and 
there is no one thing so much like an Englishman under the 
property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin suffering under the 
same malady. 

The eff'ect produced on the state of parties by the passage 
of the shadow of Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to de- 
serve our notice. Patriots who had long been known for an 
indomitable resolution to support their friends, openly aban- 
doned their claims on the rewards of the little wheel, and 
went over to the enemy ; and this, too, without recourse to 
the mysteries of the "flap-jack." Judge People's Friend 
was completely annihilated for the moment — so much so, in- 

* It is scarcely necessary to tell the intclligeut reader there is no proof that any 
political community was ever so bent on self-destruction as to enact agi'arian laws, 
in the vulgar sense in which it has suited the arts of narrow-minded politicians to 
represent them ever since the revival of letters. The celebrated agrarian laws of 
Eome did not essentially differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or 
perhaps the similitude is greater to the modern Kussian military colonies. Those 
who feel an interest in this subject would do well to consult Niebuhr. 

Note by the Editor., 



THE M O N I K I N S . 407 

deed, as to tliink seriously of taking another mission — for, 
during tliese eclipses, long service, public virtue, calculated 
amenity, and all the other bland qualities of your patriot, 
pass for nothing, when weighed in the scale against profit 
and loss. It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was, in 
its essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness of those 
who bought and sold land by the inch, pushed even that in- 
terest before the public again by insisting that a few millions 
should be expended in destroying the munitions of war, lest 
the nation might improvidently be tempted to make use of 
them in the natural way. The cruisers were accordingly 
hauled into the stream and converted into tide-mills, the gun- 
barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts were 
converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gar- 
dens. After this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the 
advanced state of civilization had rendered all future wars 
quite out of the question. Indeed, the impetus that was 
given, by the effects of the shadow, in this way, to humanity 
in gross, was quite as remarkable as were its contrary ten- 
dencies on humanity in detail. 

Public opinion was not backward in showing how com- 
pletely it was acting under the influence of the shadow. Vir- 
tue began to be estimated by rent-rolls. The affluent, with- 
out hesitation, or, indeed, opposition, appropriated to them- 
selves the sole use of the word respectable, while taste, judg- 
ment, honesty, and wisdom, dropped like so many heir-looms 
quietly into the possession of those who had money. The 
Leaplowers are a people of great acuteness, and of singular 
knowledge of details. Every considerable man in Bivouac 
soon had his social station assigned him, the whole commu- 
nity being divided into classes of "hundred-thousand-dollar 
monikins' ' — " fifty - thousand - dollar monikins' ' — " twenty- 
thousand-dollar monikins. Great conciseness in language 
was a consequence of this state of feeling. The old questions 
of "is he honest?" "is he capable?" "is he enlightened?" 



408 THE MONIKINS. 

"is he wise?" *'is lie good?" being all compreliended in tlie 
single interrogatory of "is lie ricli?" 

There was one effect of this very uuusual state of things, 
that I had not anticipated. All the money-getting classes, 
without exception, showed a singular predilection in favor of 
what is commonly called a strong government; being not 
only a republic, but virtually a democracy, I found that much 
the larger portion of this highly respectable class of citizens, 
were not at all backward in expressing their wish for a change. 

"How is this?" I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely 
quitted ; for his advice and opinions were of great moment 
to me, just at this particular crisis — "how is this, my good 
Mend ? I have always been led to think that trade is especially 
favorable to liberty ; and here are all your commercial inter- 
ests the loudest in their declamations against the institutions." 

The brigadier smiled ; it was but a melancholy smile, after 
all ; for his spirits appeared to have quite deserted him. 

"There are three great divisions among politicians," he 
said — " they who do not like liberty at all — they who like it, as 
low down as their own particular class — and they who like it 
for the sake of their fellow-creatures. The first are not nu- 
merous, but powerful by means of combinations; the second 
is a very irregular corps, including, as a matter of course, 
nearly every body, but is wanting, of nece§sity, in concert 
and discipline, since no one descends below his own level ; 
the third are but few, alas, how few ! and are composed of 
those who look beyond their own selfishness. Now, your 
merchants, dwelling in towns, and possessing concert, means, 
and identity of interests, have been able to make themselves 
remarkable for contending with despotic power, a fact which 
has obtained for them a cheap reputation for liberality of 
opinion ; but, so far as monikin experience goes — men may 
have proved to be better disposed — no government that is 
essentially influenced by commerce has ever been otherwise 
than exclusive, or aristocratic." 



THE MONIKINS. 409 

I bctliouglit me of Yeuico, Genoa, Pisa, tlie Hanse Towns, 
and all the other remarkable places of this character in Eu- 
rope, and I felt the justice of my friend's distinction, at the 
same time I could not but observe how much more the minds 
of men are under the influence of names and abstractions than 
under the influence of positive things. To this opinion the 
brigadier very readily assented, remarking, at the same time, 
that a well- wrought theory had generally more eff"ect on opin- 
ion than fifty facts ; a result that he attributed to the circum- 
stance of motiikins having a besetting predisposition to save 
themselves the trouble of thinking. 

I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occulta- 
tion of Principle on motives. I had often remarked that it 
was by no means safe to depend on one's own motives, for 
two sufficient reasons; first, that we did not always know 
what our own motives were ; and secondly, admitting that 
we did, it was quite unreasonable to suppose that our friends 
would believe them what we thought them to be ourselves. 
In the present instance, every monikin seemed perfectly aware 
of the difficulty ; and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances 
to attribute some moral enormity as his governing reason, he 
prudently adopted a moderately selfish inducement for his 
acts, which he proclaimed with a simplicity and frankness 
that generally obtained credit. Indeed, the fact once con- 
ceded that the motive was not offensively disinterested and 
just, no one was indisposed to listen to the projects of his 
friend, who usually rose in estimation, as he was found to be 
ingenious, calculating, and shrewd. The eff'ect of all this 
was to render society singularly sincere and plain-spoken; 
and one unaccustomed to so much ingenuousness, or who 
was ignorant of the cause, might, plausibly enough, suppose, 
at times, that accident had thrown him into an extraordinary 
association with so many artistes, who, as it is commonly 
expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow that, had it been 
the fashion to wear pockets at Leaplow, I should often have 
18 



410 THE MONIKINB. 

been concerned for their contents ; for sentiments so purely 
unsopliisticated, were so openly advanced under the influence 
©f the shadow, that one was inevitably led, oftener than was 
pleasant, to think of the relations between meum and iuu7n, 
as well as of the unexpected causes by which they were some- 
times disturbed. 

A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among 
the representatives of Bivouac, and the candidate of the Hori- 
zontals would certainly have been chosen to fill it, but for a 
contre-temios connected with this affair of motives. The indi- 
vidual in question had lately performed that which, in most 
other countries, and under other circumstances, would have 
passed for an act of creditable national feeling ; but which, 
quite as a matter of course, was eagerly presented to the 
electors, by his opponents, as a proof of his utter unfitness to 
be intrusted with their interests. The friends of the candi- 
date took the alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of 
the Perpendiculars, affirming that their monikin had been 
well paid for what he had done. In an evil hour, the candi- 
date undertook to explain, by means of a handbill, in which 
he stated that he had been influenced by no other motive 
than a desire to do that which he believed to be right. Such 
a person was deemed to be wanting in natural abilities, and, 
^ a matter of course, he was defeated ; for your Leaplow 
elector was not such an ass as to confide the care of his 
interests to one who knew so little how to take care of his 
own. 

About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a 
piece in which the hero performed prodigies under the ex- 
citement of patriotism, and the labor of his pen was inconti- 
nently damned for his pains ; both pit and boxes — ^the gal- 
leries dissenting — deciding that it was out of all nature to rep- 
resent a monikin incurring danger in this unheard-of man- 
ner, without a motive. The unhappy wight altered tlie last 
Bcen(?, by causing his hero to be rewarded by a good, round 



THK MONIKIN 



411 



sum of money, wlien the piece liad a very respectable run for 
the rest of the season, though I question if it ever were as 
popular as it would have been, had this precaution been taken 
before it was first acted. 




412 THEMONIKTNB, 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

T1I3 IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR — MORAL CONSECLJTIVn- 
NESS, COMETS, KITES, AND A CONYOT ; WITH SOME EYERT-DAY LEGIS- 
LATION ; TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT. 

Legislation, during tlie occultation of the great moral 
postulate Principle by the passage of Pecuniary Interest, is, at 
the best, but a melancholy affair. It proved to be peculiarly 
SO with us just at that moment, for the radiance of the divine 
property had been a good deal obscured in the houses, for a 
long time previously by the interference of various minor 
satellites. In nothing, therefore, did the deplorable state of 
things which existed make itself more apparent, than in our 
proceedings. 

As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding our having 
taken different stands in politics, still continued to live to- 
gether, I had better opportunities to note the workings of the 
obscuration on the ingenuous mind of my colleague than on 
that of most other persons. He early began to keep a diary 
of his expenses, regularly deducting the amount at night from 
the sum of eight dollars, and regarding the balance as so 
much clear gain. His conversation, too, soon betrayed a 
leaning to his personal interests, instead of being of that pure 
and elevated cast which should characterize the language of 
a statesman. He laid down the position, pretty dogmatically, 
that legislation, after all, was work; that "the laborer was 
worthy of his hire ;" and that, for his part, he felt no great 
disposition to go through the vexation and trouble of helping 
to make laws, unless he could see, with a reasonable cer- 
tainty, that something was to be got by it. He thought 



THE MONIKINS. 413 

Leaplow had quite laws enougli as it was — more tLan slie re- 
spected or enforced — and if she wanted any more, all she 
had to do was to pay for them. He should take an early 
occasion to propose that all our wages — or, at any rate, his 
own ; others might do as they pleased — should be raised, at 
the very least, two dollars a day, and this while he merely 
sat in the house ; for he wished to engage me to move, by 
way of amendment, that as much more should be given to 
the committees. He did not think it was fair to exact of a 
member to be a committee-man for nothin', although most of 
them were committee-men for nothin' ; and if we were called 
on to keep two watches, in this manner, the least that could 
be done would be to give us two pays. He said, considering 
it in the most favorable point of view, that there was great 
wear and tear of brain in legislation, and he should never be 
the man he was before he engaged in the trade ; he assured 
me that his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that he 
did not know where to find the one he wanted, and that he 
had wished for a cauda^ a thousand times, since he had been 
in the house, for, by keeping the end of it in his hand, like 
the bight of a rope, he might always have suthin' tangible to 
cling to. He told me, as a great secret, that he was fairly 
tired of rummaging among his thoughts for the knowledge 
necessary to understand what was going on, and that he had 
finally concluded to put himself, for the rest of the session, 
under the convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out 
for a fit fugleman of this sort, and he had pretty much deter- 
mined to follow the signals of the great God-like of the Par- 
pendic'lars, like the rest of them, for it would occasion less 
confusion in the ranks, and enable him to save himself a vast 
deal of trouble in making up his mind. He didn't know, on 
the whole, but eight dollars a day might give a living profit, 
provided he could throw all the thinking on his God-like, and 
turn his attention to suthin' else ; he thought of writing his 
v'y'ges, for he understood that any thing from foreign parts 



414 THE MO NIK INS. 

took like wild-fire in Leaplow ; and if tliey didn't take, ho 
could always project charts for a living. 

Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what Noah meant 
by saying that he thought of engaging a God-like. The 
reader has had some insight into the nature of one set of 
political leaders in Leaplow, who are known by the name of 
the Most Patriotic Patriots. These persons, it is scarcely 
necessary to say, are always with the majority, or in a situ- 
ation to avail themselves of the evolutions of the little wheel. 
Their great rotatory principle keeps them pretty constantly 
in motion, it is true ; but while there is a centrifugal force to 
maintain this action, great care has been had to provide a 
centripetal counterpoise, in order to prevent them from bolt- 
ing out of the political orbit. It is supposed to be owing to 
this peculiarity in their party organizations, that your Leap- 
low patriot is so very remarkable for going round and round 
a subject, without ever touching it. 

As an ofi*set to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars 
have taken refuge in the God-Hkes. A God-like, in Leaplow 
politics, in some respects resembles a saint in the Catholic 
calendar ; that is to say, he is canonized, after passing 
through a certain amount of temptation and vice with a 
whole sMh ; after having his cause pleaded for a certain num- 
ber of years before the high authorities of his party ; and, 
usually, after having had a pretty good taste of purgatory. 
Canonization attained, however, all gets to be plain sailing 
with him. He is spared, singular as it may appear, even a 
large portion of his former "wear and tear" of brains, as 
Noah had termed it, for nothing puts one so much at liberty 
in this respect, as to have full powers to do all the thinking. 
Thinking in company, like travelling in company, requires 
that we should have some respect to the movements, wishes, 
and opinions of others ; but he who gets a carte blanche for 
his sentiments, resembles the uncaged bird, and may fly in 
whatever direction most pleases himself, and feel confident, as 



THE MONIKINS. 415 

lie goes, tliat Ms ears will be saluted witlitlie usual traveller's 
signal of " all's riglit." I can best compare tlie operation of 
your God-like and his votaries, to the action of a locomotive 
with its railroad train. As that goes, this follows ; faster or 
slower, the movement is certain to be accompanied ; when 
the steam is up they fly, when the fire is out they crawl, and 
that, too, with a very uneasy sort of motion ; and when a 
bolt is broken, they who have just been riding without the 
smallest trouble to themselves, are compelled to get out and 
push the load ahead as well as they can, frequently with very 
rueful faces, and in very dirty ways. The cars whisk about, 
precisely as the locomotive whisks about, all the turn-outs 
are necessarily imitated, and, in short, one goes after the 
other very much as it is reasonable to suppose will happen 
when two bodies are chained together, and the entire moving 
power is given to only one of them. A God-like in Leaplow, 
moreover, is usually a Riddle. It was the object of Noah to 
hitch on to one of these moral steam-tugs, in order that he 
too might be dragged through his duties without eflfort to 
himself; an expedient, as the old sealer expressed it, that 
would, in some degree remedy his natural want of a cauda, 
by rendering him nothing but tail. 

*' I expect. Sir John," he said, for he had a practice of eX' 
pecting by way of conjecture, " I expect this is the reason 
why the Leaplowers dock themselves. They find it more con- 
venient to give up the management of their afiairs to some 
one of these God-likes, and Ml into his wake like the tail of 
a comet, which makes it quite unnecessary to have any other 
cauda.^'' 

*' I understand you ; they amputate to prevent tautology." 
Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind was fairly 
made up ; and the execution usually soon followed the propo- 
sition. The next thing I heard of him, therefore, he was 
fairly under the convoy, as he called it, of one of the most 
prominent of the Riddles. Curious to know hoAv he liked 



416 THEMONIKINS. 

the experiment, after a week's practice, I called Lis attention 
to the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry. 

He told me it was altogether the pleasantest mode of legis- 
lating that had ever been devised. He was now perfectly 
master of his own time, and in fact, he was making out a set 
of charts for the Leaplow marine, a task that was likely to 
bring him in a good round sum, as pumpkins were cheap, and 
in the polar seas he merely copied the monikin authorities, and 
out of it he had things pretty much his own way. As for the 
Great Allegory, when he wanted a hint about it, or, indeed, 
about any other point at issue, all he had to do was to inquire 
what his God-like thought about it, and to vote accordingly. 
Then he saved himself a great deal of breath in the way of 
argument out of doors, for he and the rest of the clientele of 
this Riddle, having officially invested their patron with all 
their own parts, the result had been such an accumulation of 
knowledge in this one individual, as enabled them ordinarily 
to floor any antagonist by the simple quotation of his author- 
ity. Such or such is the opinion of God-like this or of God- 
like that, was commonly sufficient ; and then there was no 
lack of material, for he had taken care to provide himself with 
a Riddle who, he really believed, had given an opinion, at some 
time or other, on every side of every subject that had ever been 
mooted in Leaplow. He could nullify, or mollify, or qualify, 
with the best of them ; and these, which he termed the three 
fies^ he believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow legis- 
lator. He admitted, however, that some show of indepen- 
dence was necessary, in order to give value to the opinions of 
even a God-like, for monikin nature revolted at any thing like 
total mental dependence ; and that he had pretty much made 
up his mind to think for himself on a question that was to be 
decided that very day. 

The case to which the captain alluded was this. The city 
of Bivouac was divided in three pretty nearly equal parts, 
which were separated from each other by two branches of a 



THE M0NIKI1SI3. 



417 



marsli ; one part of the town being on a sort of island, and 
the other two parts on the respective margins of the low land. 
It was very desirable to connect these different portions of the 
capital by causeways, and a law to that effect had been intro- 
duced in the house. Every body, in or out of the house, was 
in favor of the project, for the causeways had become, in some 
measure, indispensable. The only disputed point was the 
length of the works in question. One who is but little ac- 
quainted with legislation, and who has never witnessed the 
effects of an occupation of the great moral postulate Princi- 
ple, by the orb Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly sup- 
pose that the whole affair lay in a nutshell, and that all we 
had to do was to pass a law ordering the causeways to extend 
just as far as the public convenience rendered it necessary. 
But these are mere tyros in the affairs of monikins. The fact 
was that there were just as many different opinions and inter- 
ests at work to regulate the length of the causeways, as there 
were owners of land along their line of route. The great 
object was to start in what was called the business quarter of 
the town, and then to proceed with the work as far as circum- 
stances would allow. We had propositions before us in favor 
of from one hundred feet as far as up to ten thousand. Every 
inch was fought for with as much obstinacy as if it were an 
important breach that was defended ; and combinations and 
conspiracies were as rife as if we were in the midst of a rev- 
olution. It was the general idea that by filling in with dirt, 
a new town might be built wherever the causeway terminated, 
and fortunes made by an act of parliament. The inhabitants 
of the island rallied en masse against the causeway leading one 
inch f7'om their quarter, after it had fairly reached it ; and, 
so throughout the entire line, monikins battled for what they 
called their interests, with an obstinacy worthy of heroes. 

On this great question, for it had, in truth, become of the 
last importance by dragging into its consideration most of the 
leading measures of the day, as well as six or seven of the 



418 THE MONIKINS. 

principal ordinances of the Great National Allegory, tlic 
respective partisans logically contending that, for the time 
being nothing should advance a foot in Leaplow that did not 
travel along that causeway. Noah determined to take an in- 
dependent stand. This resolution was not lightly formed, for 
he remained rather undecided, until, by waiting a sufficient 
time, he felt quite persuaded that nothing was to be got by 
following any other course. His God-like luckily was in the 
same predicament, and every thing promised a speedy occa- 
sion to show the world what it was to act on principle ; and 
this, too, in the middle of a moral eclipse. 

When the question came to be discussed, the landholders 
along the first line of the causeway were soon reasoned down 
by the superior interests of those who lived on the island. 
The rub was, the point of permitting the work to go any fur- 
ther. The islanders manifested great liberality, according 
to their account of themselves; for they even consented that 
the causeway should be constructed on the other marsh to 
precisely such a distance as would enable any one to go as 
near as possible to the hostile quarter, without absolutely en- 
tering it. To admit the latter, they proved to demonstration, 
would be changing the character of their own island from that 
of an entrepot to that of a mere thoroughfare. No reasonable 
monikin could expect it of them. 

As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I never un- 
derstood, had satisfied themselves it might better answer their 
purposes to construct the entire work, than to stop anywhere 
between the two extremes, my duty was luckily, on this oc- 
casion, in exact accordance with my opinions; and, as a 
matter of course, I voted, this time, in a way of which I could 
approve. Noah, finding himself a free agent, now made his 
push for character, and took sides with us. Very fortunately 
we prevailed, all the beaten interests joining themselves, at 
the last moment, to the weakest side, or, in other words, to 
that which was right ; and Leaplow presented the singular 



THE MONIKINS. 419 

spectacle of having a just enactment passed during tlic occul- 
tation of the great moral postulate, so often named. I ought 
to mention that I have termed principle a postulate, through- 
out this narative, simply because it is usually in the dilemma 
of a disputed proposition. • 

No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague 
came round to the Horizontal side of the house, to express 
his satisfaction with himself for the course he had just taken. 
He said it was certainly very convenient and very labor-saving 
to obey a God-like, and that he got on much better with his 
charts now he was at liberty to give his whole mind to the 
subject ; but there was suthin' — he didn't know what — but 
"a sort of Stunin'tun feeling" in doing what one thought 
right, after all, that caused him to be glad that he had voted 
for the whole causeway. He did not own any land in Leap- 
low, and therefore he concluded that Avhat he had done, he 
had done for the best ; at any rate, if he had got nothin' by 
it, he had lost nothin' by it, and he hoped all would come 
right in the end. The people of the island, it is true, had 
talked pretty fair about what they would do for those who 
should sustain their interests, but he had got sick of a cur- 
rency in promises ; and fair words, at his time of life, didn't 
go for much ; and so, on the whole, he had pretty much con- 
cluded to do as he had done. He thought no one could call 
in question his vote, for he was just as poor and as badly off 
now he had voted, as he was while he was making up his 
mind. For his part, he shouldn't be ashamed, hereafter, to 
look both Deacon Snort and the Parson in the face, when he 
got home, or even Miss Poke. He knew what it was to have 
a clean conscience, as well as any man ; for none so well knew 
what it was to be without any thing, as they who had felt by 
experience its want. His God-like was a very labor-saving 
God-like ; but he had found, on inquiry, that he came from 
another part of the island, and that he didn't care a straw 
which way his kite-tail (Noah's manner of proi^uncing clieiQr 



420 THE MONIKINS. 

tele) voted. In sliort, he defied any one to say ouglit ag'in 
liim this time, and he was not sorry the occasion had oiFered 
to show his independence, for his enemies had not been back- 
ward in remarking that, for some days, he had been little 
better than a speaking-trumpet to roar out any thing his God- 
like might wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stat- 
ing that he could not hold out much longer without meat of 
some sort or other, and by begging that I would second a 
resolution he thought of offering, by which regular substan- 
tial rations were to be dealt out to all the human part of the 
house. The inhumans might live upon nuts still, if they liked 
them. 

I remonstrated against the project of the rations, made a 
strong appeal to his pride, by demonstrating that we should 
be deemed little better than brutes if we were seen eating 
flesh, and advised him to cause some of his nuts to be roast- 
ed, by way of variety. After a good deal of persuasion, he 
promised further abstinence, although he went away with a 
singularly carnivorous look about the mouth, and an eye that 
spoke pork in every glance. 

I was at home the next day, busy with my friend the brig- 
adier, in looking over the Great National Allegory, with a 
view to prevent falling, unwittingly, into any more offences 
of quoting its opinions, when Noah burst into the room, as 
rabid as a wolf that had been bitten by a w^hole pack of 
hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some measure, his situation; 
for, according to his statement, he had been baited that morn- 
ing, in the public streets even, by every monikin, monikina, 
monikino, brat, and beggar, that he had seen. Astonished 
to hear that my colleague had fallen into this disfavor with 
his constitutents, I was not slow in asking an explanation. 

The captain affirmed that the matter was beyond the reach 
of any explanation it was in his power to give. He had voted 
in the affair of the causeway, in strict conformity with the 
dictates of \iig> conscience, and yet here was the whole popu- 



THE MONIKINS. 421 

Jation accusing liim of bribery — nay, even tlie journals bad 
openly flouted at bim for wbat tbey called bis barefaced and 
flagrant corruption. Here tbe captain laid before us six or 
seven of tbe leading journals of Bivouac, in all of wbicb bis 
late vote was treated witb quite as little ceremony as if it bad 
been an unequivocal act of sbeep-stealing. 

I looked at my friend tbe brigadier for an explanation. 
After running bis eye over tbe articles in tbe journals, tbe 
latter smiled, and cast a look of commiseration at our colleague. 

"You bave certainly committed a grave fault bere, my 
friend," be said, "and one tbat is seldom forgiven in Leap- 
low — perbaps I miglit say never, during tbe occultation of 
tbe great moral postulate, as bappens to be tbe case at pres- 
ent." 

"Tell me my sins at once, brigadier," cried Noab, witb tbe 
look of a martyr, "and put me out of pain." 

"You bave forgotten to display a motive for your stand 
during tbe late bot discussion; and, as a matter of course, 
tbe community ascribes tbe worst tbat monikin ingenuity can 
devise. Sucb an oversigbt would ruin even a God-like'i" 

"But, my dear Mr. Downrigbt," I kindly interposed, 
"our colleague, in tbis instance, is supposed to bave acted 
on principle." 

Tbe brigadier looked up, turning bis nose into tbe air, like a 
pup tbat bas not yet opened its eyes, and tben intimated tbat be 
could not see tbe quality I bad named, it being obscured by 
tbe passage of tbe orb of Pecuniary Interest before its disk. 
I now began to comprebend tbe case, wbicb really was mucb 
more grave tban, at first, I could bave believed possible. 
Noab bimself seemed staggered; for, I believe, be bad fallen 
on tbe simple and natural expedient of inquiring wbat be 
bimself would bave tbougbt of tbe conduct of a colleague 
wbo bad given a vote on a subject so weigbty, witbout ex- 
posing a motive. 

"Had tbe captain owned but a foot square of cartb, at tbe 



422 THE M O N I K I N S . 

end of the causeway," observed the brigadier, mournfully, 
*' the matter miglit be cleared up ; but as tilings are, it is, 
beyond dispute, a most unfortunate occurrence." 

" But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more a freebold- 
cr in Leaplow, than I am myself." 

" True ; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his political 
friends." 

** All the Horizontals were not in the majority; for at least 
twenty went, on this occasion, with the minority." 

*' Undeniable — yet every monihin of them had a visible 
motive. This owned a lot by the way-side ; that had houses 
on the island, and another was the heir of a great proprietor 
at the same point of the road. Each and all had their distinct 
and positive interests at stake, and not one of thCm was guilty 
of so great a weakness as to leave his cause to be defended by 
the extravagant pretension of mere principle !" 

*'My God-like, the greatest of all the Kiddles, absented 
himself, and did not vote at all." 

" Simply because he had no good ground to justify any 
course he might take. No public monikin can expect to 
escape censure, if he fail to put his friends in the way of 
citing some plausible and intelligible motive for his conduct." 

" How, sir ! cannot a man, once in his life, do an act with- 
out being bought like a horse or a dog, and escape with an 
inch of character?*" 

*' I shall not take upon myself to say what men can do," 
returned the brigadier; "no doubt they manage this affair 
better than it is managed here ; but, so far as monikins are 
concerned there is no course more certain to involve a total 
loss of character — I may say so destructive to reputation even 
for intellect — as to act without a good, apparent and substan- 
tial motived 

" In the name of God, what is to be done, brigadier ?" 

"I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents 
must very naturally have lost all confidence in you ; for one 



THE MONIKINS. 423 

wlio so very obviously Deglects his ovv-n interests, it cannot 
be supposed will be very tenacious about protecting the inter- 
ests of others. If you would escape with the little character 
that is left, you will forthwith resign. I do not perceive the 
smallest chance for you by going through gyration No. 4, 
both public opinions uniformly condemning the monikin who 
acts without a pretty obvious, as well as a pretty weighty mo- 
tive." 

Noah made a merit of necessity ; and, after some further 
deliberation between us, he signed his name to the following 
letter to the speaker, which was drawn up on the spot, by 
the brigadier. 

"Mr. Speaker: — The state of my health obliges me to 
return the high political trust which has been confided to me 
by the citizens of Bivouac, into the hands from which it was 
received. In tendering my resignation, I wish to express the 
great regret with which I part from colleagues so every way 
worthy of profound respect and esteem, and I beg you to as 
sure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead me, I shall 
ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable member 
with Avhom it has been my good fortune to serve. The emi- 
grant interest, in particular, will ever be the nearest and dear- 
est to my heart. '* Signed, *' NOAH POKE." 

The captain did not affix his name to this letter without 
many heavy sighs, and divers throes of ambition ; for even a 
mistaken pohtician yields to necessity with regret. Having 
changed the word emigrant to that of *' immigrunt," however, 
he put as good a face as possible on the matter, and wrote the 
fatal signature. He then left the house, declaring he didn't 
so much begrudge his successor the pay, as nothing but nuts 
were to be had Avitli the money ; and that, as for himself, he 
felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with Nebuchad- 
nezzar, when he was compelled to get down on all-fours, and 
cat grass. 



424 THE MONIKINB 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

SOIvfE EXPLANATIONS — A HUMAN APPETITE — A DINNER AND i BONNE 
BOUCHE. 

The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss tlie 
general Ijearings of this unexpected event. 

" Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," I remark- 
ed, "reduces the Leaplow political morality very much, after 
aU, to the level of the social-stake system of our part of the 
world." 

"They both depend on the crutch of personal interests, it 
is true ; though there is, between them, the difference of the 
interests of a part and of the interests of the whole." 

"And could a part act less commendably than the whole 
appear to have acted in this instance ?" 

" You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a 
moral eclipse. I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur 
often, but they occur quite as frequently in other parts of the 
region, as they occur here. We have three great modes of 
controHing monikin affairs, viz., the one, the few, and the 
many- 



Precisely the same classification exists among men !" I 
interrupted. 

" Some of our improvements are reflected backward ; twi- 
light following as well as preceding the passage of the sun," 
quite coolly returned the brigadier. "We think that the 
many come nearest to balancing the evil, although we are far 
from believing even them to be immaculate. Admitting that 
the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three systems (which 
we do not, however, for we think our own has the least), it 



THE MONIKINS. 425 

is contended that tlie many escape one great source of oppres- 
sion and injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which 
physical weakness is compelled to make, in order to protect 
itself against physical strength." 

"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, 
su", who usually maintain that the tyranny of the many is the 
worst sort of all tyrannies." 

" This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has 
not been permitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is 
commonly the concomitant of cowardice, so is oppression 
nine times out of ten the result of Aveakness. It is natural 
for the few to dread the many, while it is not natural for the 
many to dread the few. Then, under institutions in which 
the many rule, certain great principles that are founded on 
natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly recognized ; 
and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less, influence 
the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few re- 
quires that these same truths should be either mystified or en- 
tirely smothered: and the consequence is injustice." 

"But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards 
the few and the many, you must yourself allow that here, in 
your beloved Leaplow itself, monikins consult their own in- 
terests ; and this, after all, is acting on the fundamental prin- 
ciple of the great European social-stake system." 

" Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the 
test of political power. By the sad confusion which exists 
among us, at this moment. Sir John, you must perceive that 
we are not exactly under the most salutary of all possible in- 
fluences. I take it that the great desideratum of society is 
to be governed by certain great moral truths. The infer- 
ences and corollaries of these truths are principles, which 
come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, 
the love of money is * of the earth, earthy ;' and, at the 
first blush, it would not seem to be quite safe to receive such 
an inducement as the governing motive of one monikin, and, 



426 THE MONIKINS. 

by a pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equally un- 
wise to admit it for a good many. You will remember, also, 
that wlien none but tlie ricb have authority, they control not 
only their own property, but that of others who have less. 
Your principle supposes, that in taking care of his own, the 
elector of wealth must take care of what belongs to the rest 
of the community ; but our experience shows that a monikin 
can be particularly careful of himself, and singularly negli- 
gent of his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a 
bad foundation for power." 

" You unsettle every thing, brigadier, without finding a 
substitute." 

'' Simply because it is easy to unsettle every thiug and very 
difficult to find substitutes. But, as respects the base of 
society, I merely doubt the wisdom of setting up a qualifica- 
tion that we all know depends on an unsound principle. I 
much fear. Sir John, that, so long as monikins are monikins, 
we shall never be quite perfect ; and as to your social-stake 
system, I am of opinion that as society is composed of all, it 
may be well to hear what all have to say about its manage- 
ment." 

'' Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not 
to be trusted even with the management of their own con- 
cerns." 

"Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or 
other monikins, will lose sight of their own interests on this 
account, if vested with the right to act as their substitutes. 
You have been long enough a legislator, now, to have got 
some idea how difficult it is to make even a direct and re- 
sponsible representative respect entirely the interests and 
wishes of his constituents ; and the fact will show you how 
little he will be likely to think of others, who believes that 
he acts as their master and not as their servant." 

" The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little 
faith in monikin disinterestedness, in any shape ; that you 



THE MONIKINS. 427 

believe he who is iutrustcd with power will abuse it ; and 
therefore, you choose to divide the trust, in order to divide 
the abuses ; that the love of money is an * earthy^ quality, 
and not to be confided in as the controlling power of a state ; 
and, finally, that the social-stake system is radically wrong, 
inasmuch as it is no more than carrying out a principle that 
is in itself defective." 

. My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter 
there. I wished him a good morning, and walked up stairs 
in quest of Noah, whose carnivorous looks had given me 
considerable uneasiness. The captain was out ; and, after 
searching for him in the streets for an hour or two, I re- 
turned to our abode fatigued and hungry. 

At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge 
People's Friend, shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a 
kind word, before going up the ladder. It was quite impos- 
sible to see a gentleman, whom one had met in good society 
and in better fortunes, with every hair shaved from his body, 
his apology for a tail still sore from its recent amputation, 
and his entire mien expressive of republican humility, with- 
out a desire to condole with him. I expressed my regrets, 
therefore, as succinctly as possible, encouraging him with the 
hope of seeing a new covering of down before long, but del- 
icately abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, whose loss 
I knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, however, 
the judge answered cheerfully ; discarding, for the moment, 
every appearance of self-abasement and mortification. 

" How is this ?" I cried ; *' you are not then miserable ?" 

" Yery far from it, Sir John — I never was in better spirits, 
or had better prospects, in my life." 

I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the 
brigadier had saved Noah's head, and was fully resolved 
not to be astonished at any manifestation of monikin in- 
genuity. Still I could not forbear demanding an expla- 
nation. 



428 THE MONIKINS. 

"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir Joliu, to find a 
politician, who is apparently in the depths of despair, really 
on the eve of a glorious preferment. Such, however, is in 
fact my case. In Leaplow, humility is every thing. The 
monikin who will take care and repeat sufficiently often 
that he is just the poorest devil going, that he is abso- 
lutely unfit for even the meanest employment in the land, 
and in other respects ought to be hooted out of society, may 
very safely consider himself in a fair way to be elevated to 
some of the dignities he declares himself the least fitted to 
fill." 

"In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to 
make his choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his 
especial disqualifications for that very station?" 

" You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you 
would only consent to remain among us!" said the judge, 
winking. 

" I begin to see into your management — after all, you are 
neither miserable nor ashamed ?" 

"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance 
for monikins of my calibre to seem to be any thing than to 
be it. My fellow-citizens are usually satisfied with this sacri- 
fice ; and, now principle is eclipsed, nothing is easier." 

" But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising 
dexterity and agility should be caught tripping? I had 
thought you particularly expert, and infallible in all the 
gyrations. Perhaps the little aff'air of the cauda has leaked 
out ?" 

The judge laughed in my face. 

"I see you know little of us, after all. Sir John. Here 
have we proscribed caudce, as anti-republican, both public 
opinions setting their faces against them ; and yet a monikin 
may wear one abroad a mile long with impunity, if he will 
just submit to a new dock when he comes home, ai;d swear 
that he is the most miserable wretch going. If he can throw 



THE MONIKINS. 429 

in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and 
dogs — Lord bless you, sir! they would pardon treason !" 

"I begin to comprehend your poHcy, judge, if not your 
polity. Leaplow being a popular government, it becomes 
necessary that its public agents should be popular too. Now, 
as monikins naturally delight in their own excellences, noth- 
ing so disposes them to give credit to another, as his profes- 
sions that he is Avorse than themselves." 

The judge nodded and grinned. 

"But another word, dear sir — as you feel yourself con- 
strained to commend the cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you 
belong to that school of philocats, who take their revenge for 
their amenity to the quadrupeds, by berating their fellow- 
creatures?" 

The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded 
a thief-taker. Then earnestly imploring me to respect his 
situation, he added in a whisper, that the subject of the peo- 
ple was sacred with him, that he rarely spoke of them with- 
out a reverence, and that his favorable sentiments in relation 
to the cats and dogs were not dependent on any particular 
merits of the animals themselves, but merely because they 
were the people's cats and dogs. Fearful that I might say 
some thing still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to take 
his leave, and I never saw him afterward. I make no doubt, 
however, that in good time his hair grew as he grew again 
into favor, and that he found the means to exhibit the proper 
length of tail on all suitable occasions. 

A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On ap« 
proaching it, a colleague who was there w^as kind enough to 
explain its cause. 

It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling 
m Leaplow; and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had ac- 
tually written books concerning things that they had seen, 
and things that they had not seen. As respects the latter, 
neither of the public opinions was very sensitive, although 



430 TIIEMONIKINS. 

many of tliem reflected on tlie Great National Allegory and 
the sacred riglits of monikins;. but as respects the former, 
there was a very lively excitement. These writers had the 
audacity to say that the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudcE^ 
and the whole community was convulsed at an outrage so 
unprecedented. It was one thing to take such a step, and 
another to have it proclaimed to the world in books. If 
the Leaplowers had no tails, it was clearly their own fault. 
Nature had formed them with tails. They had bobbed them- 
selves on a republican principle; and no one's principles ought 
to be thrown into his face, in this rude manner, more espe- 
cially during a moral eclipse. 

The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened 
vengeance ; caricaturists were put in requisition ; some grinned, 
some menaced, some swore, and all read ! 

I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, 
pondering on this singular state of society, in which a pecu- 
liarity that had been deliberately and publicly adopted, should 
give rise to a sensitiveness of a character so unusual. I very 
well knew that men are commonly more ashamed of natural 
imperfections than those which, in a great measure, depend 
on themselves; but then men are, in their own estimation at 
least, placed by nature at the head of creation, and in that 
capacity it is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous of 
their natural privileges. The present case was rather Leap- 
low than generic; and I could only account for it, by sup- 
posing that nature had placed certain nerves in the wrong 
part of the Leaplow anatomy. 

On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat sa- 
luted my nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to 
the olfactory nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, 
too, on the gastric juices of the stomach. In plain ikiglish, 
I had very sensible evidence that it was not enough to trans- 
port a man to the monikin region, send him to parlia- 
ment, and keep him on nuts for a week, to render him exclu* 



THE MONIKINS. 481 

sively ethereal. I found it was vain "to kick against the 
pricks." The odor of roasted meat was stronger than all the 
facts just named, and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and 
surrender to the belly. I descended incontinently to the 
Idtchen, guided by a sense no more spiritual than that which 
directs the hound in the chase. 

On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious per- 
fume greeted the nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at 
the murmur of a waterfall, and, losing sight of all the sub- 
lime truths so lately acquired, I was guilty of the particular 
human weakness which is usually described as having the 
"mouth water." 

The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbear- 
ance, and was enjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. 
A dish of roasted meat was lying before him, and his eyes 
fairly glared as he turned them from me to the viand, in a way 
to render it a little doubtful whether I was a welcome visitor. 
But that honest old principle of seamen which never refuses 
to share equally with an ancient messmate, got the better 
even of his voracity. 

"Sit down, Sir John," the captain cried, without ceasing 
to masticate, "and make no bones of it. To own the fact, 
the latter are almost as good as the flesh. I never tasted a 
sweeter morsel!" 

I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be 
sure ; and in less than ten minutes the dish w^as as clear as a 
table that had been swept by harpies. As this work is in- 
tended for one in which truth is rigidly respected, I shall avow- 
that I do not remember any cultivation of sentiment which 
gave me half so much satisfaction as that short and hurried 
repast. I look back to it, even now, as to the very heau ideal 
of a dinner ! Its fault was in the quantity, and not in quality. 

I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a 
glimpse of a face that seemed looking at me with melancholy 
reproach. The truth flashed upon me in a flood of horrible 



432 THE MONIKINS. 

remorse. Rusliing upon Noah like a tiger, I seized liim by 
the throat, and cried, in a voice of despair: 

"Cannibal! what hast thou done?" 

"Loosen your grip. Sir John — we do not relish these hugs 
at Stunin'tun." 

"Wretch ! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime ! 
We have eaten Brigadier Downright!" 

"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel." 

"Monster! give up thy unholy repast — dost not see a mil- 
lion reproaches in the eyes of the innocent victim of thy in- 
satiable appetites?" 

"Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care 
not if I have swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow — off 
hands!" 

"Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!" 

Noah could endure no more ; but, seizing me by the throat, 
on the retaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations 
as one would be apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I 
shall not attempt to describe very minutely the miracle that 
followed. Hanging ought to be an effectual remedy for many 
delusions; for, in my case, the bowstring I was under cer- 
tainly did wonders in a very short time. Gradually the whole 
scene changed. First came a mist, then a vertigo ; and finally, 
as the captain relaxed his hold, objects appeared in new forms, 
and instead of being in our lodgings in Bivouac, I found my- 
self in my old apartment in the Rue de Rivoli, Paris. 

"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in 
the face with exertion ; "this is no boy's play, and if it's to 
be repeated, I shall use a lashing ! Where would be the 
harm, Sir John, if a man had eaten a monkey?" 

Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had 
left it the morning we started for London, on our way to 
Leaphigh, was there. A table, in the centre of the room was 
covered with sheets of paper closely written over, which, on 
examination, I found contained this manuscript as far as the 



THE MONIKINS. 433 

last chapter. Both the captain and myself were attired as 
usual; 1 a la Parisien, and he a la Stunin'tun. A small 
ship, very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay 
on the floor, with "Walrus" written on her stem. As my 
bewildered eye caught a glimpse of this vessel, Noah inform- 
ed me that, having nothing to do except to look after my 
welfare (a polite way of characterizing his ward over my per- 
son, as I afterward found), he had employed his leisure In 
constructing the toy. 

All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. 
I had also that peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to 
succeed a dinner, and a dish well filled with bones was in plain 
view. I took up one of the latter, in order to ascertain its 
genus. The captain kindly infoimed me that it was the re- 
mains of a pig, which it had cost him a great deal of trouble 
to obtain, as the French viewed the act of eating a pig as very 
little less heinous than the act of eating a child. Suspicions 
began to trouble me, and I now turned to look for the head 
and reproachful eye of the brigadier. 

The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over 
the top of a trunk ; but it was so far raised as to enable n>e 
to see that it was still planted on its shoulders. A second 
look enabled me to distinguish the meditative, philosophical 
countenance of Dr. Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket 
and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had vg'y prop- 
erly laid aside the Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers. 

A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried 
conversation, in a low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain 
disappeared, and joined the speakers. I listened intently, but 
could not catch any of the intonations of a dialect founded 
on the decimal principle. Presently the door opened, and 
Dr. Etherington stood before me ! 

The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears 
filled his eyes, and, stretching out both hands toward me, he 
asked : 
19 



434 THE MONIKINS. 

"Do you know me, Jack?" 

" Know you, dear sir ! — Why sliould I not ?" 

*' And do you forgive me, dear boy ?" 

" For what, sir ? — I am sure, I have most reason to demand 
your pardon for a thousand folhes." 

" Ah ! the letter — the unkind — the inconsiderate letter I" 

" I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth ; 
the last was any thing but unkind," 

"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation." 

I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the 
truth. 

"Anna?" 

" Is here — in Paris — and miserable — most miserable ! — 
on your account." 

Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system in- 
stantly gave way to a flood of human sensations. 

" Let me fly to her, dear sir — a moment is an age I" 

"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each 
other, nor is she in this hotel. To-morrow, when both are 
better prepared, you shall meet." 

"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a 
lamb." 

" Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say." 

I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious re- 
lief froiji a most oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow 
of tears. 

Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. 
In the course of the day, many matters were discussed and 
settled. I was told that Captain Poke had been a good nurse, 
though in a sealing fashion ; and that the least I could do was 
to send him back to Stunin'tun, free of cost. This was 
agreed to, and the worthy but dogmatical mariner was prom- 
ised the means of fitting out a new "Debby and Dolly." 

" These philosophers had better be presented to some 
academy," observed the doctor, smiling, as he pointed to tho 



THE MONIKINS. 136 

family of amiable strangers, " being already F. U. D. G. E.'s 
and H. O. A. X.'s. Mr. Reasono, in particular, is unfit for 
ordinary society." 

*'Do with tbem as you please, my more tban father. Let 
the poor animals, however, be kept from physical sufi"ering." 

"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical 
and moral." 

" And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory V 

" The day after to-morrow, if you have strength." 

" And to-morrow 2" 

*' Ajma will see you." 

" And the next day «" 

*' Nay, not quite so soon. Jack ; but the moment we think 
you perfectly restored, she shall share your fortunes for the 
remainder of your common probation." 



436 TIIEMOJTIKINS 



CHAPTER XXX. 

EXTLANATIONS — A LEAVE-TAKING — LOVE — CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENI- 
TENCE. 

A NIGHT of sweet repose left me refreslied, and with a pulse 
that denoted less agitation than on the preceding day. 
I awoke early, had a bath, and sent for Captain Poke to take 
his coifee with me, before we parted ; for it had been settled, 
the previous evening, that he was to proceed toward Stunin'tun 
forthwith. My old messmate, colleague, co-adventurer, and 
fellow-traveller, was not slow in obeying the summons. I con_ 
fess his presence was a comfort to me, for I did not like look- 
ing at objects that had been so inexplicably replaced before 
my eyes, unsupported by the countenance of one who had 
gone through so many grave scenes in my company. 

" This has been a very extraordinary voyage of ours. Cap- 
tain Poke," I remarked, after the worthy sealer had swal- 
lowed sixteen eggs, an omelet, seven cotelettes, and divers 
accessories. *' Do you think of publishing your private jour, 
nal?" 

** Why, in my opinion. Sir John, the less that either of us 
says of the v'y'ge the better." 

"And why so ? We have had the discoveries of Colum- 
bus, Cook, Vancouver and Hudson — why not those of Captain 
Poke?" 

" To own the truth, we sealers do not like to speak of our 
cruising grounds — and, as for these monikins, after all, what 
are they good for ? A thousand of them wouldn't make a 
quart of 'ile, and by all accounts their fur is worth next to 
nothin'." 



THE MONIKINS. 437 

"Do you account their pliilosophy for iiotliing ? and tlieir 
jurisprudence? — you, wlio were so near losing your liead, 
and who did actually lose your tail, by the axe of the execu- 
tioner?" 

Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling about the seat 
of reason, with evident uneasiness. Satisfied that no harm 
had been done, he very coolly placed half a muflSn in what 
he called his " provision hatchway." 

"You will give me this pretty model of our good old 
Walrus, captain?" 

"Take it, o' Heaven's sake. Sir John, and good luck to 
you with it. You, who give me a full-grown schooner, will 
be but poorly paid with a toy." 

"It's as like the dear old craft as one pea is like an- 
other !" 

" I dare say it may be. I never knew a model that hadn't 
suthin' of the original in it." 

" Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You know I 
am to go and see the lady who is soon to be my wife, 
and the diUgence will be ready to take you to Ha\Te, before 
I return." 

" God bless you ! Sir John — God bless you !" Noah blew 
his nose till it rung like a French horn. I thought his little 
coals of eyes were glittering, too, more than common, most 
probably with moisture. "You're a droll navigator, and 
make no more of the ice than a colt makes of a rail. But 
though the man at the wheel is not always awake the heart 
seldom sleeps." 

" When the Debby and Dolly is fairly in the water, you 
will do me tlie pleasure of letting me know it." 

"Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, how- 
ever, a small favor to ask." 

"Name it." 

Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso relievo 
carved in pine. It represented Neptune armed with a bar- 



438 THE MONIKINS. 

poon instead of a trident ; tlie captain always contending that 
tlie god of the seas should never carry the latter, but that, in 
its place, he should be armed either with the weapon he had 
given him, or with a boat-hook. On the right of Neptune 
was an English gentleman holding out a bag of guineas. On 
the other was a female who, I was told, represented the god- 
dess of liberty, while it was secretly a rather flattering like- 
ness of Miss Poke. The face of Neptune was supposed to 
have some similitude to that of her husband. The captain, 
with that modesty which is invariably the companion of 
merit in the arts, asked permission to have a copy of this de- 
sign placed on the schooner's stern. It would have been 
churlish to refuse such a compliment; and I now oJQfered 
Noah my hand, as the time for parting had arrived. The 
sealer grasped me rather tightly, and seemed disposed to say 
more than adieu. 

"You are going to see an angel. Sir John." 

*' How ! — Do you know any thing of Miss Etherington ?" 

"I should be as blind as an old bumboat else. During 
our late v'y'ge, I saw her often." 

" This is strange ! — But there is evidently something on 
your mind, my friend ; speak freely." 

" "Well, then. Sir John, talk of any thing but of our v'y'ge, 
to the dear crittur. I do not think she is quite prepared yet 
to hear of all the wonders we saw." 

I promised to be prudent ; and the captain, shaking me 
cordially by the hand, finally wished me farewell. There 
were some rude touches of feeling in his manner, which re- 
acted on certain chords in my own system ; and he had been 
gone several minutes before I recollected that it was time to 
go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to wait for a car- 
riage, I flew along the streets on foot, believing that my own 
fiery speed would outstrip the zigzag movement of Vi fiacre 
or a cabriolet de place. 

Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his opjmrtemenff 



THE MONIKINS. 439 

and led me to an inner room Vkitliout speaking. Here lie 
stood gazing, for some time, in my face, with paternal con- 
cern. 

*' SLe expects you. Jack, and believes that you rang the 
bell." 

** So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose a mo- 
ment ; let me fly and throw myself at her feet, and implore 
her pardon." 

'* For what, my good boy ?" 

** For believing that any social-stake can equal that which 
a man feels in the nearest, dearest, ties of earth !" 

The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to curb my im- 
patience. 

"You have already every stake in society. Sir John Gold- 
encalf," he answered — assuming the air which human beings 
have, by a general convention, settled shall be dignified — 
*' that any reasonable man can desire. The large fortune left 
by your late father, raises you, in this respect, to the height 
of the richest in the land ; and now that you are a baronet, 
no one will dispute your claim to participate in the councils 
of the nation. It would perhaps be better, did your creation 
date a century or two nearer the commencement of the 
monarchy ; but, in this age of innovations, we must take 
things as they are, and not as we might wish to have them." 

I rubbed my forehead, for the doctor had incidentally 
thrown out an embarrassing idea. 

" On your principle, my dear sir, society would be obliged 
to begin with its great-grandfathers to qualify itself for its 
own government." 

"Pardon me. Jack, if I have said any thing disagreeable — 
no doubt all will come right in heaven. Anna will be uneasy 
at our delay. 

This suggestion drove all recollection of the good rector's 
social-stake system, which was exactly the converse of the 
Bocial-stake system of my late ancestor, quite out of my 



440 THE MONIKINS. 

head. Springing forward, I gave liim reason to see that he 
would have no farther trouble in changing the subject. When 
we had passed an antechamber, he pointed to a door, and 
admonishing me to be prudent, withdrew. 

My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, but the 
lock yielded. Anna was standing in the middle of the room 
(she had heard my footsteps), an image of womanly loveli- 
ness, womanly faith, and womanly feeling. By a desperate 
effort, she was, however, mistress of her emotions. Though 
her pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet me, she obviously 
restrained the impulse, in order to spare my nerves. 

" Dear Jack !" — and both her soft, white, pretty little 
hands met me, as I eagerly approached. 

"Anna! — dearest Anna!" — I covered" the rosy fingers 
with kisses. 

" Let us be tranquil. Jack, and if possible, endeavor to be 
reasonable, too." 

" If I thought this could really cost one habitually discreet 
as you an effort, Anna?" 

*' One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel strongly 
on meeting an old friend, as another." 

" I think it would make me perfectly happy, could I see 
thee weep." 

As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into a flood of 
tears. I was frightened, for her sobs became hysterical and 
convulsed. Those precious sentiments which had been so 
long imprisoned in her gentle bosom, obtained the mastery, 
and I was well paid for my selfishness, by experiencing an 
alarm little less violent than her own outpouring of feel- 
ing. 

Touching the incidents, emotions, and language of the 
next half hour, it is not my intention to be very communica- 
tive. Anna was ingenuous, unreserved, and, if I might judge 
by the rosy blushes that suffused her sweet face, and the 
manner in which she extricated herself from my protecting 



THE MONIKINS. 44J 

arms, I believe I must add, she deemed herself indiscreet in 
that she had been so unreserved and ingenuous. 

"We can now converse more calmly, Jack," the dear 
creature resumed, after she had erased the signs of emotion 
from her cheeks — " more calmly, if not more sensibly." 

" The wistlom of Solomon is not half so precious as the 
words I have just heard — and as for the music of the 
spheres " 

" It is a melody that angels only enjoy." 

*' And art not thou an angel ?" 

" No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl ; one instinct with 
the affections and weaknesses of her sex, and one whom it 
must be your part to sustain and direct. If we begin by call- 
ing each other by these superhuman epithets, we may awake 
from the delusion sooner than if we commence with believino; 
ourselves to be no other than what we really are. I love you 
for your kind, excellent, and generous heart, Jack ; and as 
for these poetical beings, they are rather proverbial, I be- 
lieve, for having no hearts at all," 

As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of language — 
after ten years of marriage I am unwilling to admit there 
was any exaggeration of idea — she placed her Httle velvet 
hand in mine again, smiling away all the severity of the re- 
proof. 

''Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly assured, 
dear girl," I resumed, after a moment's reflection. " All my 
old opinions concerning expansion and contraction are radi- 
cally changed. I have carried out the principle of the social- 
stake system in the extreme, and cannot say that I have been 
at all satisfied with its success. At this moment I am the 
proprietor of vested interests which are scattered over half 
the world. So far from finding that I love my kind any 
more for all these social stakes, I am compelled to see that 
the wish to protect one, is constantly driving me into acts of 
injustice against all the others. There is something wrong, 



442 T II E M O N I K I N S . 

depend on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of the pohtical econo* 
mists!" 

** I know little of these things, Sir John, but to one igno- 
rant as myself, it would appear that the most certain security 
for the righteous exercise of power is to be found in just 
principles." 

*'• If available, beyond a question. They who contend that 
the debased and ignorant are unfit to express their opinions 
concerning the public weal, are obliged to own that they can 
only be restrained by force. Now, as knowledge is power, 
their first precaution is to keep them ignorant ; and then 
they quote this very ignorance, with all its debasing conse- 
quences, as an argument against their participating in au- 
thority with themselves. I believe there can be no safe 
medium between a frank admission of the whole prin- 
ciple " 

* ' You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a 
subject on which I know but little. It ought to be sufficient 
for us that we find things as they are ; if change is actually 
necessary, we should endeavor to efiect it with prudence and 
a proper regard to justice." 

Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, 
looked both anxious and pained. 

** True — true" — I hurriedly rejoined, for a world would not 
tempt me to prolong her sufiering for a moment. " I am 
foolish and forgetful, to be talking thus at such a moment ; 
but I have endured too much to be altogether unmindful of 
ancient theories. I thought it might be grateful to you, at 
least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look for happiness 
in my afi'ections for all, and am only so much the better dis- 
posed to turn in search of it to one." 

"To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest and highest 
of the divine commands," the dear girl answered, looking a 
thousand times more lovely than ever, for my conclusion was 
very far from being displeasing to her. " I do not know that 



THE MONIKINS. 443 

this object is to be attained by centring in our persons as 
many of tlie goods of life as possible ; but I do tliink, Jack, 
that the heart which loves one truly, will be so much the 
better disposed to entertain kind feelings toward all others." 

I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now began to 
talk a little more like people of the world, concerning our 
movements. The interview lasted an hour longer, when the 
good doctor interposed and sent me home, to prepare for our 
return to England. 

In a week we were again in the old island. Anna and 
her father proceeded to the rectory, while I was left in town, 
busied with lawyers, and looking after the results of my nu- 
merous investments. 

Contrary to what many people will be apt to suppose, 
most of them had been successful; on the whole, I was richer 
for the adventures, and with such prospects accompanying the 
risks, I had little difficulty in disposing of them to advantage. 
The proceeds, together with a large balance of dividends 
that had accrued during my absence, were lodged with my 
banker, and I advertised for further landed property. 

Knowing the taste of Anna, I purchased one of those town 
residences which look out on St. James's Park, where the 
sight of fragrant shrubbery and verdant fields will be con- 
stantly before her serene eyes, during the period of what is 
called a London winter — or from the Easter holidays to mid- 
summer. 

I had a long and friendly interview with my Lord Pledge, 
who was not a man to abandon a ministry, but who con- 
tinued in place just as active, as respectable, as logical, and 
useful as ever. Indeed, so conspicuous was he for the 
third of these qualities, that I caught myself peeping, once or 
twice, to see if he were actually destitute of a cauda. He 
gave me the comfortable assurance that all had gone on well 
in parliament during my absence, politely intimating, at the 
Bame time, that he did not believe I had been missed. We 



444 THE MONIKINS. 

settled certain preliminaries together, wliicli will be explained 
in the next chapter ; when I hurried, on the wings of love, 
alias, in a post-chaise and four, toward the rectory, and to 
the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, truest girl in an island which 
has so many of the sweet, the kind, the gentle, and tin; 
true. 



THK MONIKINS. 445 



CHAPTER XXXI. 

HrJSS— THE BEST INVESTMENT IN SOCIETY — TDE RESULT OP MUCU 
EXPERIENCE, AND THE END. 

That day two montlis found me at the rectory of Tentli- 
pig, the happiest man in England. The season had advanced 
to the middle of July, and the shrubbery near the bow- win- 
dow of my excellent father-in-law's library, was in full verdure. 
The plant, in particular, whose flowers had so well emulated 
the bloom of Anna's cheek, was rioting in the luxuriance of 
renewed fertility, its odors stealing gently over the senses of 
my young wife and myself, as we sat alone, enjoying the holy 
calm of a fine summer morning, and that delicious happiness 
which is apt to render the bliss of the first months of a well- 
assorted union almost palpable. 

Anna was seated so near the window that the tints of the 
rose-bush sufi*used her spotless robe, rendering her whole fig- 
ure a perfect picture of that attractive creature the poets have 
so often sung — a blushing bride. The quiet light had to 
traverse a wilderness of sweets before it fell on her bland fea- 
tures, every polished lineament of which was eloquent of feli- 
city, and yet, if it be not a contradiction, I would also add, 
not entirely without the shadow of thought. She was nevei 
more lovely, and I had never known her so subdued and ten- 
der, as within the last half-hour. We had been speaking, 
without reserve, of the past, and Anna had just faithfully de- 
scribed the extreme suffering with which she had complied 
with the command of the good rector, in writing the letter 
that had so completely unmanned me. 

^'I ought to have known you better, love, than to suspect 



446 THE MONIKINS. 

you of tlie act," I rejoined to one of her earnest protestations 
of regretj and gazing fondly into those eyes whicli have so 
mncli of the serenity, as they have the hues, of heaven. ''You 
never yet were so unkind to one who was offensive; much 
less could you willingly have plotted this cruelty to one you 
regard!" 

Anna could no longer control herself, but her cheeks were 
wetted with the usual signs of feeling in her sex. Then smil- 
ing in the midst of this little outbreaking of womanly sensi- 
bility, her countenance became playful and radiant. 

"That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, 
Jack. Had it not been written, you would never have visited 
Leaphigh, nor Leaplow, nor have seen any of those wonderful 
spectacles which are here recorded." 

The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of manuscript 
which she had just returned to me, after its perusal. At the 
same time, her face flushed, as vivid and transient feelings are 
reflected from the features of the innocent and ingenuous, and 
she made a faint efibrt to laugh. 

I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this subject 
is alluded to between us, I invariably feel that there is a species 
of mistiness, in and about the region of thought. I was not 
displeased, however, for I knew that a heart which loved so 
truly would not willingly cause me pain, not would one habit- 
ually so gentle and considerate, utter a syllable that she might 
have reason to think would seriously displease. 

*'Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey would al- 
ways be remembered as one of the pleasantest events of my 
life, for, while it had its perils and its disagreeables, it had 
also its moments of extreme satisfaction." 

''You will never be an adept in political saltation, John!" 

"Perhaps not — but here is a document that will render it 
less necessary than formerly." 

I threw her a packet which had been received that morning 
from town, by a special messenger, but of whose contents I 



THE MONIKINS. 447 

had not jet spoken. Anna was too young a wife to open it 
without an approving look from my fond eye. On glancing 
over its contents, she perceived that I was raised to the House 
of Peers by the title of Viscount Householder. The purchase 
of three more boroughs, and the influence of my old friend 
Lord Pledge, had done it all. 

The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is in female 
nature to like to be a viscountess; but, throwing herself into 
my arms, she protested that her joy was at my elevation and 
not at her own. 

"I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment 
for your faith and disinterestedness in the affair of Lord 
M'Dee." 

"And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, nor red 
hair; and his accent was such as might please a girl less ca- 
pricious than myself ! " 

This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a way to 
make me feel how near folly would have been to depriving 
me of a treasure, had the heart I so much prized been less in- 
genuous and pure. I drew the dear creature to my bosom, 
as if afraid my rival might yet rob me of her possession. 
Anna looked up, smiling through her tears; and, making an 
effort to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered as to 
prove how delicate she felt the subject to be : — 

"We will speak seldom of this journey, dear John, and try 
to think of the long and dark journey which is yet before us. 
We will speak of it, however, for there should be nothing 
totally concealed between us." 

I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated what she 
had just said, syllable for syllable. Anna has not been un- 
mindful of her words; for rarely, indeed, has she touched on 
the past, and then oftener in allusion to her own sorrows, 
than in reference to my impressions. 

But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region 
IS, in a measure, forbidden between me and my wife, there 



448 TIIEMONIKINS. 

exists no such restraint as between me and other people. 
The reader may like to know, therefore, what eff'ect this ex- 
traordinary adventure has left on my mind, after an interval 
of ten years. 

There have been moments when the whole has appeared a 
dream; but, on looking back, and comparing it with other 
scenes in which I have been an actor, I cannot perceive that 
this is not quite as indelibly stamped on my memory as those. 
The facts themselves, moreover, are so very hke what I see 
daily in the course of occurrence around me, that I have come 
to the conclusion, I did go to Leaphigh in the way related, 
and that I must have been brought back during the tempo- 
rary insanity of a fever. I believe, therefore, that there are 
such countries as Leaphigh and Leaplow; and after much 
thought, I am of opinion that great justice has here been 
done to the monikin character in o-eneral. 

The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has 
been to produce sundry material changes in my former opin- 
ions, and to unsettle even many of the notions in which I 
may be said to have been born and bred. In order to con- 
sume as little of the reader's time as possible, I shall set down 
a summary of my conclusions, and then take my leave of 
him, with many thanks for his politeness in reading what I 
have written. Before completing my task in this way, how- 
ever, it will be well to add a Avord on the subject of one or 
two of my fellow-travellers. 

I never could make up my mind relating to the fact whether 
we did or did not actually eat Brigadier Downright. The 
flesh was so savory, and it tasted so delicious after a week of 
philosophical meditation on nuts, and the recollection of its 
pleasures is so very viAdd, that I am inclined to think nothing 
but a good material dinner could have left behind it impres- 
sions so lively. I have had many melancholy thoughts on 
this subject, especially in November ; but observing that men 
arc constantly devouring each other, in one shape or another. 



THE M O N I K I N S . 449 

I endeavor to make tlie best of it, and to persuade ^ayself that 
a slight difference in species may exonerate me from the im- 
putation of cannibalism. 

I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not -very ex- 
plicit on the subject of our voyage, it is true ; but, on the 
whole, I have decided that the little ship he constructed was 
built on the model of, and named after, our own Walrus, in- 
stead of our own Walrus being built on the model of, and 
named after^ the little ship constructed by Captain Poke. 
I keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as a proof of 
what I tell them, knowing the importance of visible testimony 
with ordinary minds. 

As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any more of them. 
The former most probably continued a *' kichee^'' until years 
and experience enabled him to turn the tables on humanity, 
when, as is usually the case with Christians, he would be very 
likely to take up the business of a "kicker" with so much 
the greater zeal, on account of his early sufferings. 

To conclude, my own adventures and observations lead to 
the following inferences, viz. : 

That every man loves liberty for his own sake and very few 
for the sake of other people. 

That moral saltation is very necessary to political success 
at Leaplow, and quite probably in many other places. 

That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one thing in 
France, another thing at Leaphigh, and still a third in Dor- 
setshire. 

That there is no sensible difference between motives in the 
polar region and motives anywhere else. 

That truth is a comparative and local property, being much 
influenced by circumstances ; particularly by climate and by 
different public opinions. 

That there is no portion of human wisdom so select and 
faultless that it docs not contain the seeds of its own refuta- 
tion. 



450 THE MONIKINS. 

That of all the 'ocracies (aristocracy and democracy includ« 
ed) hypocrisy is the most flourishing. 

That he who is in the clutches of the law may think him- 
self lucky if he escape with the loss of his tail. 

That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive 
privileges in one country, no privileges in another, and inclu- 
sive privileges in all. 

That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humil- 
ity are proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every 
man's senses. 

That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one 
being quite as demonstrable as the other, and more 
too. 

That philosophy, sound principles, and virtue, are really 
delightful ; but, after all, that they are no more than so many 
slaves of the belly ; a man usually preferring to eat his best 
friend to starving. 

That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the 
motion of a commonwealth, as to the motion of a stage-coach, 
and that what this gains in periphery that makes up in activity, 
on the rotatory principle. 

That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, 
and another to have neither. 

That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, 
is no reasoning for general uses. 

That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle 
would break our necks ; whereas, in Germany we travel at a 
good pace, allowing the horse the use of his eyes ; and in 
Naples we fly, without even a bit ! 

That the converse of what has just been said of horses is 
true of men, in the three countries named. 

That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora 
borealis, and quite as easily accounted for. 

That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of 
penetrating the polar basin, will shrink from the trouble of 



THE MO NIK INS. 451 

doing their own thinking, and put themselves, like Captain 
Poke, under the convoy of a God-like. 

That all our Tvisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, 
one outwitting us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by 
adding new joints to the cauda. 

That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due 
to God, but are so tenacious of their own privileges in this 
particular, they will confide in plausible rogues rather than in 
plain-dealing honesty. 

That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are 
People's Friends, and become the salt of the earth — yea, even 
the Most Patriotic Patriots ! 

That it is fortunate " all will come right in heaven," for it 
is certain too much goes wrong on earth. 

That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit ; that 
of causing the owners of vested rights to set their own inter- 
ests in motion, while those of their fellow-citizens must follow, 
as a matter of course, though perhaps a little clouded by the 
dust raised by their leaders. 

That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in 
humanity ; and that if he has any repetition of his treasure, 
it is better still. 

That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches 
thirst ; and therefore it is wise to commit all our concerns to 
the keeping of those who have most of it. 

That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard 
ourselves ; witness the manner in which Dr. Reasono converted 
me from a benefactor into the travelling tutor of Prince Bob. 

That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown 
by the satisfaction of Noah in being made a lord high ad- 
miral. 

That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good 
moneyed stake in its advancement. 

That though the mind may be set on a very improper and 
base object, it will not fail to seek a good motive for its justi 



452 THE MONIKINS. 

fication, few men being so hardened in any grovelling passion, 
tliat they will not endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as 
their neighbors. 

That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, 
and good fellowship in knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.'s, 
andH. O. A. X.'s. 

That a political rolHng-pin, though a very good thing to 
level rights and privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, 
temples, and other matters that might be named. 

That the system of governing by proxy is more extended 
than is commonly supposed ; in one country a king resorting 
to its use, and in another the people. 

That there is no method by which a man can be made to 
covet a tail, so sure as by supplying all his neighbors, and ex- 
cluding him by an especial edict. 

That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock 
itself at home, while its foreign agents furiously cultivate 
caudce abroad. 

That names are far more useful than thmgs, being more 
generally understood, less liable to objections, of greater cir- 
culation, besides occupying much less room. 

That ambassadors turn the back of the throne outward, 
aristocrats draw a crimson curtain before it, and a king sits 
on it. 

That nature has created inequalities in men and things, 
and, as human institutions are intended to prevent the strong 
fi'om oppressing the weak, ergo, the laws should encourage 
natural inequalities as a legitimate consequence. 

That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man 
wise and another man foolish — this strong, and that weak, 
human laws should reverse it all, by making another man 
wise and one man foolish — that strong and this weak. On 
this conclusion I obtained a peerage. 

That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with 
many people, are, as a matter of course, God-likes. 



THE MONIKINS. 453 

That the expediency of establishing the base of society on 
a principle of the most sordid character, one that is denounced 
by the revelations of God, and proved to be insufficient by 
the experience of man, may at least be questioned without 
properly subjecting the dissenter to the imputation of being 
a sheep-stealer. 

That we seldom learn moderation under any political ex- 
citement, until forty thousand square miles of territory are 
blown from beneath our feet. 

That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement 
to bespatter our fellow-creatures, while every ner\^e is writh- 
ing in honor of our pigs, our cats, our stocks and our stones. 

That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates 
much questionable knowledge. 

That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of 
the people infallible. 

That love for the species is a godlike and pure sentiment ; 
but the philanthropy which is dependent on buying land by 
the squai-e mile, and selling it by the square foot, is stench in 
the nostrils of the just. 

That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity 
invariably squeezes himself into a little wheel, in order to 
show how small he can become at need. 

That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale's 
blubber to beef-steak, a native of the Gold Coast cherishing 
his tom-tom before a band of music, and certain travelled 
countrymen of our own saying, "Commend me to the Enc;- 
lish skies." 

That an*anging a fact by reason is emban-assing, and ad- 
mits of cavilling ; while adapting a reason to a fact is a very 
natural, easy, every-day, and sometimes necessary, process. 

That what men affirm for their own particular interests 
they will swear to in the end, although it should be a propo- 
sition as much beyond the necessity of an oath, as that 
"black is white." 



454 



THE M ONIKIN 



That national allegories exist everywhere, the only differ- 
ence between them arising from gradations in the richness of 
imaginations. 

And finally : — 

That men have more of the habits, propensities, disposi- 
tions, cravings, antics, gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of 
monikins, than is generally known. 




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